Funny Fates 1.

I was going to kill him.

The second I found my colleagues and we got our shit together, I would give it everything I had and annihilate him from the very existence of this goddamned earth.

The direction of my thoughts fuelled my anger, and fed up of running, I stood in the middle of the field I'd just landed in. Oh, I was pissed, and ready. Uchiha Madara wanted me, he was going to have to come for me.

It had been my third year as a missing nin. The last person I had contact with was Ten-Ten, and that was two and a half months ago. I hadn't seen her prior to that meeting since we fled Konoha together, and though we had just about half an hour to spend, I was so happy to see her, I was crying like a toddler and blubbering all over the place in my extreme joy. Neji and Hinata were fine, she said, and Chouji had smuggled out another few booklets of food vouchers. Kami-sama bless his soul. I literally survived on that stuff. Ino, Shikamaru, Kiba, and Shino were all fine too, and Shikaku-san, Shikamaru's father was constantly in touch with Jiraiya-sama. Madara and his cromies still hadn't discovered he was using the Nara forest animals to do so. He really was the most brilliant Shinobi of his time, a true genius.

"Come on the fuck out, you bastards, because if you make me come and look for you, I'm not really sure that fossilized excuse of a shinobi will ever find you, eternal mangekyou sharingan notwithstanding," I snarled, sending chakra to my fists.

Breaking up the ground and surrounding areas would only give me a disadvantage, since it's four against one. This was a battle of stealth.

I looked up to the sky, tears clouding my eyes slightly. I clenched my fists, the leather grinding against itself. This battle was for Kakashi-sensei, who taught me that stealth would be my best weapon, particularly as an ANBU. I hadn't heard from him in two or so years. Ten-Ten assured me he was fine. After all, he was the Copy Ninja, and he never died easily. Despite this, I could see the worry in her eyes.

I really wondered if he always knew if all this shit would happen, if we would all become missing nin eventually. He taught us about ANBU inside out, brutally training us until were the best. I guess he always did, and never really told us because he knew we were too immature to understand it yet, and ruthless as she was, life really was the best teacher.

I let out a harsh bark of laughter. He may have been the crappiest, laziest, and the worst influence as a teacher, but as a shinobi, he indeed was one of the most brilliant in the village, a true genius.

I reached up for the special kunai in my pocket, the ones with a silver handle and fingerless gloves carved on the blade and a wolf face on the handle. I'd win this. For my sensei, I'd fucking win this.

A reckless, sadistic smirk curved on my lips, and the tears flowed freely from my eyes.

"Showtime," I muttered.


I was conscious. My head was killing me, and the last time I had pain going through my body this badly was the day we snuck back into Konoha to get Kurenai-sensei and her baby out. I had run so far and so fast, that I just collapsed from chakra, mental and physical exhaustion, fell right of a tree I was supposed to have landed on. I had a fully packed first aid box next to me, bandages, ointments and antiseptics, and I was surrounded by a strong genjutsu when I woke up. There was a note next to me and it was written in Shihsou's hand, and she downright demanded that I survived to see her again.

"Why do I have to go check on her, yeah? I've been doing it for the past week, and she's still out cold, yeah," I heard a familiar, cocky voice say.

"Just shut the fuck up, shitface and get get your fucking gay ass in there. Jeez, you asshole," a rougher, louder, much less refined voice replied. I furrowed my eyebrows with my eyes still closed, not at all appreciating the volume.

"Fucking Konoha shinobi," the earlier voice grumbled.

"Stupid pink haired brat. What the fuck is she goo-"

Moving with a speed Kakashi-sensei would be damn proud of, I lifted my fist and it connected with jawbone. There were many loud crashes and a final boom. I cracked my eyes open slightly, and I saw a thick cloud of smoke arising, teetering on the periphery of my vision. I opened my eyes fully, glare firmly placed on my face, and saw the chakra glowing on my fist.

I released the chakra from my fist, before I heard a familiar lazy baritone drawl "It seems she's awake, and she's never changed."

I slowly eased myself to sitting position, and the pounding in my head tripled. I closed my eyes again, and slowly willed the pain away. God I hated chakra exhaustion.

I opened my eyes and saw a human-shaped hole through about four or so walls. There was rubble at the very end, and it seemed the idiot I punched was stopped by something hard which prevented his further momentum.

My eyes widened as I saw the person jumping over said rubble and the idiot in it, walking through the series of holes I made. The silver hair was an unruly mop on his head, slanted as usual to some degree. The ever-present mask, jounin jacket, navy blue slacks, navy blue shirt, fingerless ANBU gloves and the green cover of the famed Icha Icha Tactics.

"Hello Sakura."

I wanted to cry, laugh, dance and yell all at the same time. "Kakashi-sensei," I croaked. Forgetting my pain, I lunged myself onto him and I never let go. I felt him wrap his arms around me, and he buried his head onto my shoulder.

"I'm so glad to see you. I'm so glad that you're alive. Most importantly, I'm so glad those bastards didn't get you," he mumbled gently in my shoulder, his voice cracking with emotion.

"Sakura?" I heard another familiar voice. I lifted my head from Kakashi-sensei's shoulder and looked up. Slowly, one by one, the people I fled my beloved home with appeared.

Shizune nee was the one that called my name. Then Lee appeared. He was followed closely behind by Ten-Ten, Gai-sensei and Kurenai-sensei and her little boy, Roku. He was the only member of a clan that was not in Konoha, for Madara held them all hostage when he invaded the village.

I opened my mouth to say something, but I was lost for words. Some of these shinobi, like Lee and Gai-sensei I hadn't seen for three years.

"Oh my God," I choked on my tears. "Everyone, you're all here."

Shizune nee smiled, tears threatening to flow from her eyes. "Yes, Sakura, we're all here."

"Naruto...where's Naruto?" I asked, remembering how he almost lost his life causing havoc in Konoha so the rest of us could escape.

Right on cue, I heard a cool, calm collected baritone. "Do be quiet, Naruto. You're exceptionally noisy today. Yes, you defeated the brat, but really, that is no legitimate reason to render the rest of us deaf."

"Did you see that, Pein? I pwned him. I pwned his pretty boy ass, dattebayo. I suck at genjutsu, but I still got past him and pwned his lazy ass self into next year. I'm awesome. Sakura-chan will be so happy with me, then she'll beat you up, temee."

That voice. Loud, obnoxious and every inch as knuckle-headedly bratty as I last heard it. It could only belong to one person.

"Shut up, gaki. No wonder we left when we did." A demanding yet feminine voice ordered.

A numerous number of sighs could be heard, before I heard a mischievous voice. "Ne, Sasuke-chan, I have to agree with Naruto on this one. You really sucked today."

"Naruto? Naruto? Where are you?"I yelled suddenly, my joy overriding all other senses.

It was suddenly quiet, before I saw the blindingly orange tracksuit, the bright blonde hair. He turned to look at me, and those bright blue eyes had never changed even one bit.

"Saukra-chan," he said in a more sedate, mature manner. Ten-Ten was right. Being a missing nin had forced him to grow up. "You're awake. How are you feeling?"

Without missing a beat and promptly answering his question, I let go of Kakashi-sensei and immediately flung myself onto him, the tears pouring freely from my eyes.

"I missed you, you obnoxious idiot. I really, really missed you," I whispered, voice hoarse from a combination of chakra exhaustion and crying.

"I missed you too, Sakura-chan," he replied as he wrapped his arms around me. He had become so much more muscular. "Ne, Sakura-chan, is it just me, or have your boobs gotten a-"

I hit his head, hard, like I used to back in Konoha. That short memory brought back untold joy I've never felt in a very long time, and I could not help but fling myself onto him again.

He had never changed, and he would never, ever change. He was still Naruto. Disturbingly powerful, but my ever lovable, loud, obnoxious, annoying, idiot, bratty Naruto.

"This really does bring up nostalgic memories, doesn't it, Tsunade?" I heard Jiraiya-sama, the older senin say, his voice soft.

"It does," Shihsou replied, the very few times she was gentle. "Hello, Sakura."

"Sh-shishou? Oh my God, Shihsou, Jiraiya-sama. You're alive. You're alright," I said, as I let go of Naruto and jumped onto her, hugging her hard.

"Of course we are, kid. We're both sannin and I'm the Godaime Hokage. You expect us to go down that easily?" she berated me, returning the feeling in her embrace as well.

"Orochimaru did." I said.

"Well, he was battling two Uchiha, both of whom have the mangekyou sharingan."

"Now that introductions are over, I believe it is time we got some semblance of order, yes?" the calm baritone voice I heard before said again.

I looked at the direction where the voice came from, and I must admit I was quite shocked.

Nagato Pein.

I turned toward Shishou and raised an eyebrow. She smirked back at me. "The enemy of your enemy is your friend, right?"

I turned my gaze back to Pein. "When Madara left us to go for Konoha, he absolutely disowned us. He took the seven bijuu he has in his possession with him, and I knew that my organisation was at risk as well," he explained.

"Have any of your members changed at all?" I asked.

"Zetsu betrayed us as well, but I'm not concerned in the least. Kakashi is excellent at information gathering, not to mention some of you Konoha shinobi have well above average recon abilities."

I nodded. "Sooooooo, were basically allies?"

"I suppose we are."

I suddenly heard a grunt, condescending in its sound. I turned around to see where the sound came from, and I could not help but smirk sarcastically.

Standing on one of the walls, almost hidden by the shadows were three Uchiha. The last three Uchiha.

First was an Uchiha I could not recognise. He has an unruly mass of ebony hair on his head. It was curly, and kind of like Kakashi-sensei's, the only difference was that this guy's hair was unruly. It was all over the place, and I strongly doubted if that hair had ever experienced a brush. He had no bangs, which was kind of a shock. The rest was stereotypical of all Uchiha; deep onyx eyes, haughty expression and patrician features that proved their nobility and smooth pale skin. This particular Uchiha, however, had a smirk permanently planted on his face. It was the usual panty-dropping smirk women world over swooned over, but it was always there.

He had the usual Uchiha clothes; high collard navy blue shirt, navy blue pants and standard issue shinobi sandals. His holster was strapped to his thigh.

"Yo," he greeted cheerfully, in a mellow tenor. "The name's Shisui. I'm Itachi and Sasuke-chan's older cousin. Judging by the way you just pounded Deidara through five walls there, you must be Haruno Sakura, the infamous student of Hokage-sama. Sasuke-chan claims you're weak, I, however must beg to differ. I'm sure you know he's an idiot. He's never worked under Tsunade-sama, hence the stupidity of his statement. Really looking forward to working with you, and seeing that monstrous strength of yours in action," he said, bringing his hand forward.

I took it and greeted him. I think I'm really gonna like this guy.

Second was the infamous Uchiha Itachi. I'd heard of his prowess as a shinobi and also of his sex appeal. Both were definitely unquestionable.

"Hello Itachi," I said slowly.

"Hello, Sakura," he responded, lilting tenor emotionless, like the rest of his gorgeous face.

I turned my gaze to Sasuke, and couldn't help the sarcastic smirk that lifted my lips.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't the avenger himself. What happened to your grandiose plan of avenging your clan, Sasuke-kun? How is it that you're on the same side of the very shinobi you were supposed to kill? What happened to your quest for power, hmm? Or after one and a half years of having your ass raped by the most disgusting creature of them all you had to go grovelling to your brother and your cousin to come save you?" I asked him sarcastically.

He said nothing, only glaring hell murder at me.

No one said anything, but at the corner of my eye I could see Shisui trying (and failing) to stifle his sniggering and Itachi was smirking.

"Nice one, Sakura," Shishou said, punching me in the shoulder playfully. If it was anyone else, they would have been thrown a few feet away.

"Enough. I believe it's time you were introduced to Akatsuki, Sakura."

I think this missing nin business was starting to

Finally. Here it is, folks. Funny Fates chapter one. This is somewhat of an intro, and most of the unanswered questions will come out as the story continues. I can't promise regular updates; a new semester has begun, and as you know, school takes priority. I'll try my best though, and I hope you guys enjoy this. :D