Chapter 3

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Another night feeling miserable, what a surprise, this feeling had been going on for months now. He had already cut class from it; a day spent in the city had helped. He was in school and was on lunch, as he waited for it to end he couldn't get his mind to stop. His body ached as the feeling of being alone increased. Unable to take it anymore he got up from his seat, grabbed his things and left the building. Jumping on the train he put his headphones in and put on songs reserved for days like this. Days when he needed to feel worse to feel better. The train ride back to the dorm seemed to take forever but that was good. He didn't want to rush, he wanted to think.

Dropping his school bag in the room he made sure he had his wallet and left again. He needed to walk, to go where ever his legs would take him. Keeping his headphones in he started just walking down the main road in front of the dorm. His mind was swirling about everything, about life, about school, and about being alone no matter what. It seemed that no matter what he did it didn't change the fact that he was replaceable to everyone he knew. He could move anywhere he liked and that fact would remain the same. He didn't know how to be a friend or act like a best friend when he really never had one. Sure people acted friendly to him but he could disappear and they probably wouldn't even notice. Even here, sure he was friendly with his classmates but it wasn't like they were actually friends or anything, not really. Once classes ended for the day they would all leave he wouldn't hear from them until tomorrow. He couldn't recall the number of times he would turn from grabbing his school bag and see he was alone in the classroom. What had he done to deserve this? All he had ever wanted was to feel a part of something. To hold a friendship that was cherished by both of them. To know if they ever said good-bye both would be saddened by it. To know he could call that person and invite them out to enjoy a day.

Coming across a park he sat in one of the open benches. There was nothing he could do to change these facts. That was the given, the only thing he could do was accept it and try to make the best of it. His life would always be like this, coming out here was stupid, he saw that now. He moved away from home hoping to start new but now he saw that nothing would change. This was the fate he was given. Standing up he headed back to the dorm. It was getting late and he was getting hungry. He could try to talk to his family but they made it seem like it was such an inconvenience when he asked so he didn't bother anymore. And he talked to no one from back home but Tamaki on occasion and when they did talk he hated it. All Tamaki did was complain and no one's problems were as bad as his were. It was always a one sided conversation and he was tired of calling him. Even their text messages were pointless, looked like he would write again tonight or watch a movie online.

Entering the housing he saw a classmate of his waiting for the elevator. Roger was one of those he didn't talk to. He wasn't sure why, they just didn't talk to each other. Well he did scare him a little bit because he could snap at the drop of a hat but overall he seemed pretty cool.
"Kyouya, what happened? Why weren't you in class after lunch?"
"I wasn't feeling well. Sorry."
"Will you be back on Friday?"
"Yea I think so. I think it's just a bug."
"Oh okay, well see you Friday then."
"See you." Roger stepped onto the elevator to go into the basement to use the gym while he waited for the next one. Well at least someone noticed he wasn't there. He guessed that was a good sign.

Making a quick meal of rice in the microwave he watched a few things online while he ate before clearing his desk enough for him to write at it. He had been writing quite a lot lately. He stopped writing little things and actually started a novel. He wouldn't dare say it was good enough to even think about a future publication but it still meant a lot to him, he had a plot and a character that faced hardships and okay it was teenage drama story but he just wasn't that good at anything else. In this story his main character faced bulling in a new school just because he was new and no matter what he did he couldn't seem to fit in. Now he stood in his backyard watching the waves crash below. Seeing the waves and rocks he debated jumping. It would be an easy way to go with no mess for anyone to deal with. As he wrote the scene out he stopped as a different scene flashed before his own eyes. He was waiting for the subway when he stepped off the platform into the coming train. He wondered if anyone, besides the others waiting would care. Would anyone attend his funeral? Probably Tamaki, he would probably make a big thing about it. About how he left him all alone and he would miss him. Though he didn't even realize that they didn't talk now and sure he may be saddened it wouldn't be like he needed him. He would find someone else to talk to, he had someone else to talk to, to hang out with already. He would cry but they would be wasted tears for sure. Closing his notebook he put it away for now and opened his laptop. He needed a break from all of this; he wanted to get his mind off such thoughts. Pulling up a show he was watching online he picked up where he left off and watched until it was getting late.

The next morning he felt a little better, maybe he just needed a day to think, a day for himself. Sure he had days off from class but for some reason he preferred staying in the dorm. That could be from knowing he had the room to himself until six because Chris had class until five, five-thirty. Either way though he knew he needed yesterday and was glad he took it. He jumped right back into his classes after telling those that asked that he hadn't felt too well yesterday and that's why he missed his afternoon classes with them. It didn't take long to figure out what homework he missed and make sure he had it done for the next class, even though a few didn't remember what they had done and what was due. Sometimes he really worried about his classmates.

Christmas break had been nice, he went home the day after classes let out and had no plan to return to the dorm until they day before they started back up . Being home he missed living alone but knew this beat being alone all the time like he was at school. They day before he went back he saw Tamaki. He had helped him a week or so earlier with some emergency though after he realized that what Tamaki did was pointless. Having him panic wasn't pointless but it wasn't like he could really do anything and should have just waited for his father. But, this was Tamaki and he couldn't think anything through, still, helping him felt nice. It made him think that maybe they were on the right track to becoming close again. The following week that all changed again when he was the last to know something and had found out originally by a third party source. Once he had talked to Tamaki later that night it felt like he had to drag the information out of him. It wasn't even bad news and they had been texting the night before so it wasn't even like he didn't know what was going on. Tamaki had bluntly told him before he had to stop which was understandable. As a "best friend" he should have been told something by someone over there. Had the roles been reversed Tamaki would have been the first to know no matter what. He only spent an hour or so at Tamaki's even though he had been invited he felt out of place and was basically ignored anyway. God, when was Tamaki going to see this friendship was dead? And, when was he going to stop trying to have it go back to the way it was? It never could and he should stop wishing for it.

The trip back to the dorm was nice; Fuyumi and her husband drove him up. They helped him restock his fridge and closet with food. They hadn't stayed long which was fine he appreciated the gesture more than anything else. With nothing better to do once they left he opened his notebook to work on this story a little more. He had done a lot of writing during the break and got a lot of ideas for it so he couldn't wait to get them out of his head and onto paper. Sadly most of the ideas were still chapters away but if he worked on it then he would get there.

Chris got back to the dorm a little later in the day and they talked for a minute while he unpacked. It felt so awkward to talk when they rarely did the entire time they lived here. This was not what he had hoped for when he came out here that was for sure. They were both surprised they didn't have a new roommate. They had a short term guy with them until late November but not since then. That guy had been cool, a little odd but cool. Much better than slob that was for sure. Once Chris went on his laptop to start some new paper or whatever Kyouya went back to writing though he was playing around on his computer it seemed. Closing his notebook and putting it aside he watched some shows for a little while. This one was really funny and though he wasn't usually a fan of stupid funny he was hooked.

Classes picked right back up the next day as did the routine he had. Go to class, feel a part of something, eat lunch alone staring out the window, go back to class, then go home. He stopped trying to change how he felt because he could tell it was a lost cause. So long as his classmates didn't mine working with him then everything was okay in his book. Being alone outside of class wasn't so bad so long as class itself was fine. Well that's what he kept telling himself anyway. The class seemed to let him be, unless they were in class but even then he could be alone depending on the class. In one if he wasn't needed he could sit and write, usually two people did something during a class time so if that wasn't him then he could relax with the rest of them. He loved that class and the teacher because you still learned a lot just by watching.

As the semester ended and they prepped for finals everyone buckled down. None of the finals were super hard but they took a lot of work in class so they could be prepared for it. They all had to work together and help each other which was fine. Everyone had each other's back normally so that wasn't a problem. Together they all did really well and passed their finals. After the really big one they all had some time off until next semester started. Everyone said good-bye as if they would never see each other again. Kyouya knew one girl was leaving but that didn't mean it was good-bye for the rest of them. They would all see each other next week. Saying good-bye as they left made it feel like they were leaving for the year.

A few days before classes started again Kyouya saw his friend post something online about the section they were in being torn apart. Funny he had heard nothing about it. Right after he had asked him about it his cell phone went off. Picking up it was the director of his classes telling him his section was separated due to not enough people in the class for the second semester. Apparently you could have a minimum of eight in a class but not six. With that though, he was in a new group starting Monday. The good news his two closest friends from class were also with him. Thank god for that one. Still, why did he want to cry hearing this? He wasn't super close with most of them but knowing their section was disbanded upset him as much as it did the rest of them. He was grateful to be with his friends, or the ones he was closest to in the class. And who knew, maybe he would find what he was looking for this way.


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