Love Letter Lunacy
Obligatory Disclaimer: Nope, don't own 'em; Nintendo does.
Author's Note: This is the result of me losing the *real* ending to the fic (the gist of it is still here but everything else went kaput with my disk). I'm sorry it took a long time for me to post this and this chapter definitely doesn't make up for it… -_- Anyways, let me know how much you hate it in a review.
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Mario Mario was led by Ralph into a quiet and dimly lit room adjacent to the assembly hall where the planned meeting of all the Smashers was to take place. Purposefully, he arrived five minutes early so he could watch their entries, hoping to spot any suspicious activity and the like.
"Okay, this is the place," Ralph said as he began giving the Italian a mini-tour. "You could see what's going on through this here magic mirror."
Ralph gestured to a large window, about as wide as the wall it was on. Mario wrinkled his nose. "That's not a mirror though. It looks like a window," he said.
"Nah. You ever see those cop shows where they'll line up the suspects on one side of a mirror, and tell the witness to identify the criminal?" Mario nodded. "Well this is one of them. On the other side, your friends can't hear or see you, only their reflections; they think this is nothing but a pretty mirror. But you can see everything they're doing."
Mario was impressed. But also kind of suspicious. Why would HAL Laboratory have something like this in the first place? It made him rather uneasy to think of the possibilities of there being other hidden mirrors like this around the hotels. He thought of that movie Sliver and shivered. Then he remembered Sharon Stone in the movie as well and recovered.
"So, are you *sure* they can't see us?" Mario wanted to be 100% sure.
"Sure I'm sure." Ralph noticed the first entry. It was a rather tall and dark-skinned man with fiery red hair. Ganondorf Dragmire. The Gerudo skulked into the hall, the perpetual look of annoyance on his face present; nevertheless, he didn't seem to notice the two figures watching his every move. "See? He doesn't know we're watching him."
"Let me try this out…" Mario thought of something. He smirked and shouted at the figure of Ganondorf: "HEY Ganondork! Yo' momma's so ugly, yo' daddy takes her to work with him just so he doesn't have to kiss her good-bye!"
"GYA HA HA HA!" Ralph cackled insanely as Ganondorf simply waited, oblivious to the two men ridiculing him.
"This is fun," Mario commented. "Ooh, there's Bowser. The eternal thorn in my side…"
"Go get 'em, plumber."
"HEY BOWSER!" Mario shouted. Like Ganondorf, Bowser didn't seem to hear or see Ralph and Mario. "Yo momma's so fat, she fell in love and BROKE IT!"
Nope, Bowser couldn't hear a damn thing.
"HA HA HA HA!" Ralph clutched his sides as he laughed. "This is rich!"
"And there's Falco; you know, he's an a-hole half the time, so he's not spared… HEY FALCO…!"
This went on for a good five more minutes.
Some more time passed by as more and more Smashers appeared in the assembly hall, all of them wondering why they were summoned there. It seemed they had all arrived and were now waiting for Mario.
Mario, on the other hand, stared with Ralph blankly at what went on through the magic mirror during those twenty or so minutes it took for everyone to arrive. Everything could be seen and, unfortunately for a frustrated Mario, heard:
"Did you know that a shrimp's heart is in its head?"
"I gotta go pee pee!"
"Pichu, *pi pi*!"
"Guano bowls… Collect the whole set!"
"You know, I can't believe I'm missing The Osbournes for this crap…"
"Popeye's chicken is the shiznit!"
"Dominoes pizza to you too!"
"What is this!? A center for ants!?"
"Roy, are you sure you don't want a back rub?"
"…Break down the *Walls of Jericho*!"
"Er, uh, n-no th-thanks, Zelda!"
"Hee hee. Whoa oh, here he comes… Watch out Roy, he'll beat you up! Whoa oh, here he comes… He's a man beater!"
"Damn it, Fox! Quit it with those 80s songs, you dork!"
"'Dork'? Dude, you don't even know what it means! So take a chill pill!"
"Yeah I do! A dork is a whale's…"
~ Meanwhile, in some other part of the world ~
"DICK! DICK CLARK IS OUR HOST!" An audience applauded and cheered loudly for the longtime celebrity.
~ Back to where we were ~
Mario's forehead banged against the thick surface of the mirror. By now, he was at the point where his health was at risk---what with his skyrocketing blood pressure, migraines a plenty, and uncontrollable urges to consume alcohol and nicotine.
Concerned with his good pal's well being, security man Ralph spoke. "Uh, Mario…"
"Ralph, is it going to rain tonight?"
"I was hoping that after this, I can walk outside in the rain with my mouth open wide so I can drown and never see these hooligans again. Sure, on the outside, they're great fighters and entertainers, but when you peel away that charisma and smile and waterproof mascara… BADA-BING! You---"
The Nintendo icon stopped in mid-rant. "What…?"
"You sound like Joe Pesci's character from Goodfellas, and quite frankly, you're scaring me," Ralph admitted. "Why don't you go out there and settle this once and for all, as soon as possible? You're the so-called Hero."
"'Hero'? You think I'm to Nintendo what that Ryu is to Capcom!? I'll have you know---"
"…Mario. Think of why you're doing this. Think of your little brother Luigi."
Even though it was for a bit, Mario relaxed. "Okay… Think of Luigi. Right." He collected himself and straightened out his trademarked overalls. With a few relaxing breaths, he strolled out of the observation room with his papers in hand.
When the Italian stepped out fully, Ralph picked up the nearest telephone and dialed some numbers. Someone on the other end picked up. "Hello? Mental ward? Yeah, this is Ralph… Uh-huh. Listen, I think you might have a few new check-ins tonight so get ready…"
The assembled Smashers fell silent as Mario Mario, their fearless leader and representative to the world, solemnly made his way to the podium in the center of the main hall. All eyes were on him. He shuffled some index cards in his hands and adjusted a small Bob Barker microphone before him. He cleared his throat before speaking. "Sorry I'm late. Thank you all for coming. I'm assuming everyone's here…"
Of course, they didn't know that he *wasn't* late and was just spying on them moments ago.
"Anyway," he continued, "you're all probably wondering why you're here. Well, it has come to my attention that---"
Mario was interrupted when Young Link raised his stubby lil' arm in the air and waved it around like he just didn't care. He leveled his hard gaze on the child. A child who crossed his legs and fidgeted incessantly as he stood. Almost as if he…
"I gotta go pee!"
Mario scowled, miffed at being interrupted for something so trivial. "Hold it."
"But I've been holding it in ever since we got here!"
"Be a man!" Mario barked. "Be like Adult Li---" the plumber cut himself off when he saw Link trying to hold up an annoyed Falco Lombardi with a half-chewed carrot stick. "…Be like… Hell, I don't care! Just hold it in!"
Young Link whined. Princess Peach spoke up in defense for the child, "Oh c'mon, Mario. He drank too much Lon Lon Milk today…"
"Would you rather have him pee or be *very* lactose intolerant right about now?" What Mario wouldn't do for the cigarette Link suddenly began to smoke. Like a natural, to boot.
The Smashers gave each other puzzled looks. They huddled and began to confer within themselves. After a few seconds---during which Mario considered downing a bottle of Jack and nail polish remover---Peach raised her delicate, gloved hand.
"We think having him pee is the better option because Solid Snake---" Link smirked and released several O's of smoke from his cigarette, "says that Raiden---Young Link, apparently---doesn't… Well, he goes Commando and if he *were* very lactose intolerant, it'd be really messy and stinky in here."
Concurringly, the other Smashers nodded.
"…WHO CARES!" Mario bellowed. "Would you rather have a discussion of Young Link's *lack* of Dukes of Hazzard underoos or what I brought you all here for!?"
The Smashers gave each other puzzled looks. They huddled and began to confer within themselves.
Once again, Peach was their spokeswoman. She raised her hand daintily. "According to Solid Snake, Raiden actually wears *He-Man* underoos to formal events. So this discu---"
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"
Several pieces of furniture and HAL Laboratory property met their untimely demise, thanks to the rampaging, short-tempered *and* Italian Mario. "Young Link, go drown in your pee for all I care!"
Relieved beyond words, Young Link made a mad dash to the little boys' room. Mario looked to the remaining Smashers, figuratively shooting them with ice from his eyes. "The rest of you: SHUT UP!"
They all fell quiet then, for they all feared Mario. Silence prevailed until Fox challenged it by meekly raising his paw.
"…What is it FOX!? Did I forget to invite the members of Bananarama!?"
"Actually, I was going to say that your fly's unzipped…"
"Oh! Hee hee…" Mario fixed that discrepancy real quick! Afterwards, he held up a letter for all to see, pointing at it. "In my hand, I hold a letter. A love letter. Addressed to whom exactly? I don't know. Written by whom? I don't know either. In fact, no one seems to know! And that's why we're here: to find out. Why? Because if this news reaches the higher-ups, we're all in for it."
Mario knew that if he paused any longer than necessary, some idiot among the group would ask more inane questions. He read the letter, the bane of his existence, out loud as the Smashers listened extremely carefully, taking each word in, some faster than others. When he was done, shock lingered throughout the assembly hall. Eyes went wide, mouths gaped, and carrot sticks fell to the ground.
Fox was the first one to react verbally. "That's the letter Zelda wrote for me!" he exclaimed.
"No!" Zelda argued. "I didn't write that! *Roy* did. For me!"
"Hell no I did not," Roy said bluntly, taken aback by Zelda's statement who, in turn, was taken aback by his. "I didn't write you a letter like that…"
Zelda nearly broke down in tears. "But Nana gave me the letter; she said it was from you!"
"Zelda, I didn't write a letter for you. I wrote down a list of Donkey Kong's weaknesses for your upcoming match against him. I told *Kirby* to deliver it to you. Not Nana."
Hearing her name being mentioned, the Ice Climber politely intervened. The last thing she wanted was to be more involved in this chaotic web than she already was. "Kirby was on his way to the ball game with Ness, and when he saw me, he asked me to deliver it to Zelda. So I did."
"And," Kirby piped up, in the same boat as Nana apparently, "I found the letter in Roy, Link, and Marth's room. It was folded and on a desk. I didn't read it because it's rude, and I assumed that was it, since it was the only paper left out in the room…"
Marth saw the crestfallen look on Zelda's beautiful face. He *hated* seeing her like that. He growled. Now he had two people to kill. Or was it just one? Or maybe even three? He wasn't exactly sure, obviously. But he knew that he was pissed and someone was going to get beat up, and that was all that mattered.
Confusion continued to run amuck.
"Wait, wait, wait…" Fox tried to gather his jumbling thoughts. "How did the letters get from me to the Three Stooges' room!? I had it with me and then I suddenly lost it, but I know I didn't stop by there."
"That's simple, kid," Link spoke up. His voice was rather scratchy. That was probably because of the lit cigarette dangling from betwixt his lips. "The Evil Blue Bird of Death dropped it off in front of my room's door."
"I didn't drop anything off for you, you son of a goat's one night stand!" Falco angrily squawked.
"Don't give me that crap!" Link argued. "I heard you and your conspiring friend walking by my room this morning. And *you* said: 'I'm going to give him a love letter from me and not sign it! I hope he reads it!'!!"
"…That's because I was mocking Fox! And the dumb letter probably fell outta his pocket!"
Link blanched. "…So, you mean you're not with the Sons of Liberty?"
"…And you're not… Er… You don't 'play for the other team'?"
"And you're not hot for my body…?"
"I'd rather kiss a weed whacker!"
Suddenly, that cigarette 'Solid Snake' had been smoking wasn't so relaxing. In fact, it was as if something inside his mind clicked and robbed him of the ability to smoke properly. With a vehement cough and hack, he flung the cancer stick away. Immense bodily twitching ensued.
While Daisy and Peach apologized to Luigi after getting it through their heads that he *wasn't* the one responsible for the letter, Mario thought: Okay, as confusing as it is, we *are* getting somewhere… Time for the speech.
"All right, all right," he announced to the room when it became bustling again. He captured the Smashers' attention instantly. "Maybe we can get to the bottom of this if we'd all listen and calm down…"
Everyone seemed to agree, much to Mario's delight.
"As you all can see, this is proving to be kinda chaotic. And ridiculous! For *no* reason! People are beating each other up, losing their minds, smoking… Geez. Is one letter really worth all of this lunacy? Is it worth our reputations? I mean come on! If you wrote it, speak up!"
And I spent the last two hours writing that speech, too. Mario groaned and crumbled up the index card. Despite wearing blue and red, he lacked the moving charisma of William Wallace.
At the rate things were going, he was never going to get to the bottom of this. The Super Smash Brothers tournament was ruined for years to come! And all because of one stupid, anonymous love letter!
All heads in the hall turned to look at Captain Falcon closing the door of the little boys' room. He had made an effort to go in but something inside drove him away. He stepped towards the others casually and fanning the air with a hand. "Do *not* go in there! I think Young Link was slipped some SERIOUS Ex-Lax instead of chocolates today."
"Where the Hell were you?" Mario asked, realizing now, of all times, the F-Zero racer was not present since the beginning of their congregation. "Didn't you know we had an important meeting today?"
"Yeah, and I'm sorry about that, man. But Roger Buster  dragged me and some of the other racers aside to watch Gone in 60 Seconds and The Fast and the Furious…" Captain Falcon walked up to the podium and gave Mario what appeared to be an apologetic two-finger salute. "But now that I'm here, mind telling me what's up?"
"We're trying to find a culprit."
"A culprit? What kind? What happened?"
"Some schmuck wrote and misplaced an anonymous love letter and just about everyone's been a recipient of it. And… Let's just say it's been crazy ever since," Mario replied.
The only part of Captain Falcon's face revealed was the lower part of his muscular face, so when his jaw clenched, it was very apparent. Skeptical, Mario handed the letter over to him. "Here. Read it."
The bounty hunter slash racer took the letter and skimmed it over. A simper formed. "Hah! So *that's* where it is!"
Mario and everyone else could only stare, an invisible exclamation mark appearing over their heads. "Wh…what?" Mario could barely squeeze that word out.
Captain Falcon nonchalantly pointed to the letter. "This's the love letter I was writing for Samus. -Whew-! Thank God you found it! For a minute there, I thought I was going to have to write it out all over again!"
At long last, Marth realized whom he had to beat up.
For the umpteenth time that evening, the main hall of HAL Laboratory's headquarters fell quiet. Captain Falcon quirked a brow when he noticed everyone was staring at him, crossly. And for a minute there, it looked as if they were approaching him slowly. "…What?"
"Hey Ralph, is there a marathon going on tonight or something?" A fellow security officer at the main gate to the Super Smash Resort asked.
"Can't say that I know about that, Gus." Ralph looked at an incredibly large (and colorful) pack chasing after one lone person through the wide and open spaces of the resort. The pack consisted of people, Hylians, Gerudo, Pokémon, foxes, falcons, apes---you name it, it was probably there. "Holy cow!"
"Will you look at that? It's Captain Falcon they're chasin'!"
Ralph chuckled, amused at the site of the man running for his life at virtually the speed of light. He bit his jelly doughnut. "Haw haw! Wonder what they're all chasin' him for?"
Gus popped open a can of cola. "I don't know," the spectator said, "but I think they're pissed! I just heard one of them yell they were going to castrate him with a rusty pink Lady Bic™ razor once they caught him."
"That could be unpleasant." Ralph squinted to get a better view of the fast-moving action in the growing dark. He saw that the Smashers were now chasing the Captain in an endless zigzag around the football field. "YEOW! There goes an arrow in the butt! Now *that's* unpleasant!"
"Haw haw! You said it Ralph! But you gotta admit: this is some good entertainment." Gus took a swig of soda. "Man! Look at Captain Falcon *GO*!"
"No kidding! …! Whoops! There goes a thrown Bob-Omb! Hope he's got life insurance!"
"Hand me a cola, will ya Gus? I have a feeling we're going to be watchin' this all night."
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 -- For those of you that do not know, Roger Buster is also an F-Zero racer (F-Zero X). He pilots the 'Mighty Hurricane'. ^_^
A/N: The most disappointing fic I've ever written. *puts on her riot gear* Please don't kill me…
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