Author's Note: Well, I saw it again. For the third time. And I present to you this: from four hours sleep and too much caffeine – Light of the Moon: A Parody! While I think Dark of the Moon was the best Transformers movie by far, this needed to be written.
Summary: The moon reveals a badly kept secret, Lennox wants a talk about pets, Bumblebee has ditched the Autobots and…Megatron has fleas? Where has Sam gotten to? Major spoilers.
Characters: Basically everyone from Dark of the Moon. A few 'bots and 'cons running around where they shouldn't be.
Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers, '45 Bordeaux, a 1961 Continental, Christine, or any of Bumblebee's songs and/or movie quotes. I've also cut out some of the scenes, otherwise I'd be writing a lot more, and added some stuff in to (try) and make it funnier.
The Gould Estate, 1961
Nathaniel Gould watched suspiciously as a silver 1961 Continental slowly made its way up the Gould Estate driveway like the evil car Christine. Then again, Christine hadn't been written yet, so the imagery was moot. Moving along, fellow beings.
His wandering thoughts may have had something to do with the fact that he had been nursing a bottle of 1945 Bordeaux since seven am. Said bottle was clutched in his hand. Almost-billionaire he might be, but working for NASA was not fun.
The car came to a smooth halt. Nathaniel saw silver plating shift in an unnatural, alien way. Whirring gears added to this strange phenomenon. After thirty seconds, a sixteen foot robot stood above him, blocking out the noon sun in an extremely dramatic way.
"Wow." was all he could think to say. Not scream, not pray, but 'wow'. Finding his brain was still in his head after a minute, he added, "Wait till the guys at Roswell hear about this!"
An up close and personal close encounter with the third kind!
The alien cocked his head in what was probably a very curious (or very annoyed) way. This motion allowed the sun to shine in Nathaniel Gould's face. Blinking away sunlight, he tried to stare into the alien robot's eyes. It simply stared back.
Was it mentally deficient? Did it have some circuits loose?
"Human," it said finally after another moment of staring. "I require your services."
"Like supplies?" Were they here to steal Earth's resources? "Like a lozenge?"
The alien did sound horrible, like someone enjoyed cutting his vocal chords.
"Negative," it bent down to his level, red eyes meeting his. "I require contacts, information. Intelligence."
"You're stupid?" Nathaniel asked stupidly. Well, that was the Bordeaux asking stupidly. Speaking of the drink, he had also dropped the precious bottle a moment ago, shattering it to pieces.
The alien dramatically slammed a fist into the sidewalk, creating a rather large crater. Picking him up with one hand, the alien dropped him into it. Nathaniel (thankfully) landed on his feet with a jarring thud. With one finger, the alien pointed upwards, toward a crescent moon that was barely visible.
"So you want information? Like about the moon?"
The alien nodded and began projecting images onto the crater's floor. Colorful pictures circled about, looking like they had been colored by cross-eyed five year olds. Pictures of the moon, of UFOs, and giant alien robots made pretty afterimages on the ground, making his eyes water.
"Affirmative, human. My companion and I also require sanctuary."
Nathaniel looked around nervously, fully expecting Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster to appear. Instead, the alien's plating shifted yet again, revealing a birdlike thing. Well, it had wings, but a forked tongue. It hissed at him and flapped its wings.
"I am Soundwave. Human, this is Laserbeak."
The human managed a smile and hoped this was all a dream. He had another bottle of Bordeaux. This fantasy could work.
"Well. This looks to be the beginning of a beautiful partnership." was all he said.
Washington DC, 2014
Carly Spencer stormed upstairs and began hitting Sam with a huge, stuffed white rabbit.
"Sam, your parents are here. Wake up."
The man in question peeked out from under the pillow and decided to burrow under again.
"No. They're early."
"No. You slept in late. It's nearly nine and I have to get to work! And you have interviews."
"It's nine?" Sam leapt out of bed and began throwing on a wrinkled orange shirt and bright green tie. Not finding his dress pants, he opted for some khakis.
Carly nearly cried. How was he going to get a job looking like that? They barely had any money as it was. She had been borrowing clothes from a friend at work for three weeks now.
In addition to his clothes, Sam appeared to be on some kind of caffeine high, running around their apartment like it was a war zone, ducking under tables and leaping over chairs, collecting his briefcase, papers and sweatshirt he was using in place of a jacket.
"Bumblebeeee!" he was shouting at his car, waking several neighbors (and Bumblebee) in the process. He was out the doorbefore Carly could say another word.
Cold metal arms embraced her lower leg, and she used one high heel to stab the offending alien in the optic without even looking down.
"So shouldn't you be with the other Autobots, 'bee?"
"They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said no no no!" the radio blared.
"You know she's dead, right? So like, using her songs to speak is kind of rude, isn't it?" Sam tried to change the radio station, but the yellow Autobot refused to allow it.
"You know, some Autobots let their guardians drive. And choose their radio stations," Sam thought for a moment. "I bet even if the Decepticons allowed humans inside them, they'd let the humans pick!"
Bumblebee gave an electronic snort and appeared to slow down, allowing a monstrous RV to pass them. Sam caught a horrifying glimpse of his parents, wearing jackets that matched the color of his tie trying to get him to stop.
"Keep going 'bee!" Sam shrieked. "Faster! Faster!"
"Affirmative captain!" Bumblebee sped up, tearing down at least six streets, ditching three police cars and Sam's first job interview.
"Turn around!" screamed Sam, looking forlornly at the McDonalds. "That was my first appointment."
"Nope. Nada. Any bad robots in there – safety, safety!"
"You mean there are Decepticons in there?" Sam squinted, trying to see if the building was blowing up. It wasn't. "Then shouldn't we call…Optimus? Ironhide? Wheeljack?"
"Bad boy bad girl whatcha gonna do when they come for you?"
It hit Sam with the force of Megatron's fusion cannon blasting Starscream. He had had a nagging suspicion for a while, but this was it!
"You've ditched the Autobots! No wonder Optimus has been calling every night wanting to know where you are! I've just been telling him 'you know where he is! Why do you keep calling?'"
"Freedom is the right of all sentient beings." The Prime's own motto was quoted, putting Sam at a rare loss for words.
"Fine. You want to be a delinquent? Just take me to my next interview! A Decepticon-free one!"
Three hours later, Bumblebee had deemed every place of work a place full of Decepticons. Sam was ready to cry. And he couldn't really even do anything about it, seeing as his guardian was ten feet taller than him.
His phone blasted the Inspector Gadget theme as he received a text. Fully expecting a message that went something like this: SaM whY dId U Run AwaY? ;:ddd) MoM, he was surprised to find a neatly, correctly worded alert that there was one more job interview.
"'Bee, get me to Accuretta Systems."
The building was decrepit, ramshackle. It looked haunted. The horrifying statue of a robotic bird posed on a broken fountain as if it was going to swoop down on Sam and try to kill him. At the base of the fountain, 'Aut neca aut necatus eris' was inscribed.
As if to make the atmosphere even more dramatic, thunder boomed and it began raining.
Sam instantly liked the place. The Decepticons had a flair for not blending in. Though this was the most conspicuous building around, and he could see a police car, a Mercedes and an Audi lined up on the street looking suspicious, it couldn't possibly house Decepticons.
Bumblebee, however, was a different matter. His radio wailed, trying to get out of the parking space he had somehow been parked into, wedged in between the Mercedes and the police car. Getting the strangest feeling that the motionless cars (and the robot bird statue) were all staring at him, Sam tried reason.
"C'mon Bee. I can't stay with Carly if I don't get a job. She's totally into working guys."
"Bros before hoes."
Deciding to ignore the very true statement, Sam unlocked the car door and stepped into a muddy puddle, getting his flip-flops (he had also lost his dress shoes) all wet and dirty.
"Stay," he ordered the Autobot. "I want a ride when I get the job, and I don't want to ask that nice policeman for one. He's probably on a stakeout or something."
Bumblebee screeched plaintively, but had to listen. After all, he was bound to the boy by law. He was going to bunker down, hope Sam was out quickly and –
"The boy is losing brain cells. Does he not remember me?"
Bumblebee was so surprised at this idiocy that his engine revved up.
"Affirmative. Allspark: Probable cause."
"But he's still dangerous! What if he unleashes superpowers?"
"Probability: extremely unlikely."
"Then why are we all here?"
He was surrounded by Decepticons. Decepticons that felt totally comfortable speaking aloud on an open street, right in front (and behind) him. They were either stupid, or completely confident in their victory. Bumblebee assumed the former was true.
"To have reinforcements against the Autobot."
"I don't see any Autobot."
So his disguise was working. They didn't recognize him.
"Look in front of you."
Out of the corner of his sensors, he noticed the robot bird leave its post at the fountain and glide slowly, dramatically, menacingly, over to rest on the Mercedes' hood and glare at him. Then he realized they had said Autobot. Not Autobots.
Bumblebee shut his optical sensors and prayed they would kill him quickly. That would show Sam, when he showed up. All his parts strewn about the grass…Sam would lament leaving his friend on the street.
A car door opened. Bumblebee perked up, hoping Sam had entered, devastated at not getting the job. But the car was empty, meaning someone had entered one of the Decepticons.
"What is with you?" a new voice asked. "Can you start?"
"Negative. Autobot: ahead."
The new voice screamed, banging the car as he tried to get out.
"Operative: cease. Autobot will not attack."
"Then why are you all here?"
All was silent for half an hour. Finally, thank Primus, Sam ran out, tripping over his flip-flops and sweatshirt until he finally landed in the car.
"Guess what 'bee?"
"What?" he carefully pulled out, making sure to dent the Mercedes and rear-end the police car in the process.
"I got the job! They were impressed by my casual wear, since that's their new motto. The old one's old, outdated. Now everyone wears flip flops and t-shirts to work! And I'll be the assistant to the guy who mapped the moon! How cool is that?"
"Very. Sa-am, there were – bad guy – out here. Talking – just having a think, when a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink! He had a – Mercedes – and the devil's eyes!"
"Love the Time Warp, 'bee! How'd you know? We should watch it tonight, to celebrate!" Sam pulled out his phone, not even pretending to drive, and dialed his parents.
"Mom! Yeah, I got a job!"
Unknown to Sam, the police car was pulling them over. Wanting to run away, Bumblebee complied. He had turned his Autobot communicator off and it would take a while to turn on. And four against one was not good odds.
"Excuse me," the policeman said, flickering slightly. "You're not supposed to rear end a police car, dent a Mercedes or talk on your phone."
"Oh. Gotta go mom." Sam hung up. "Sorry officer."
The officer smiled, revealing an empty mouth. No teeth, nothing.
"No problem, Ladiesma—Mr. Witwicky. Move along now."
"Thank officer!" Sam put his hands on the wheel and drove Bumblebee off into the midday sun.
William Lennox was tired. He had had six coffees in the past hour in an attempt to get over the jetlag of being in Russia (or wherever they were) now and having been in Hawaii yesterday (or something like that).
So don't blame him if he was a little slow when a massive Mongolian Death Worm appeared from the ground and began tearing up the place.
After the Graboid had gotten the part they had been after, Lennox and his team finally realized something was wrong.
"Optimusss!" Lennox screamed into his earpiece, then winced. "That sounded a lot like Sam. Anyway, we've got this huge Graboid thing that just stole our part!"
"I'm headed your way, Colonel!"
Lennox and his team raced back to the surface to meet their flamed red-and-blue comrade.
The Graboid had beaten them to the fight! Covering up a Decepticon, it burrowed underground again after conveniently dropping the wanted part in a severed tentacle.
"What was that thing?" Lennox shouted, all jet lag forgotten.
"That is Shockwave."
Well, the name was better than 'Graboid'.
Just then, 'Shockwave' appeared, impaling several of Lennox's team with his tentacles. Shockwave also unleashed the strange unnamed Decepticon, who began to shoot at Optimus, missing every time.
"Distract him!" the Prime shouted, gesturing at Shockwave, who was waving his tentacles about, knocking down trees and other chattel while trying to advance on Optimus, who had turned to destroy the other Decepticon's face.
Lennox waved his arms around at 'Shockwave', screaming "Shockwave! Shockwave!"
The unnamed purple Decepticon leapt over Optimus to crouch down in front of Lennox.
Lennox met the Decepticon's optic with horror.
"What do you require, human?" he asked.
"Well. I was trying to get Shockwave over here, but I guess you'll do! Optimus, kill-"
The Decepticon plucked Lennox up with one claw (the Colonel noticed the other arm formed a cannon) and stared at him.
"I am Shockwave, human."
"Then who's that?" Lennox gestured to the Graboid with one flailing arm. Why had Optimus given him the wrong name? Was he trying to get him killed, extending his bloodthirstiness to humans now?
"That," Shockwave said evilly, "is THE DRILLER. My pet."
"You guys keep pets?" Lennox asked dumbly, looking at the ground. It was very, very far down. It wasn't that far down when they practiced with Bumblebee, possibly because this one was twice his size. Maybe they needed a bigger volunteer…
"Of course. Haven't you seen—oww!"
Optimus had impaled Shockwave with one hook. Screeching in anger, THE DRILLER raced to his owner's side, knocking Lennox out of the Decepticon's hand and into Optimus's hand. Enveloping Shockwave, the two of them went into the Earth. Out of sight, but not out of Lennox's mind.
"We were just talking!" Lennox shouted at the Autobot, waving his arms around. "I wanted to hear about their pets!"
"All Decepticons must be terminated," Optimus said darkly "No matter of their status as pet-owners."
"What if the pets were adopted?"
"Then we would…find new homes."
Lennox tried to imagine THE DRILLER taking up residence in Health and Human Services.
He sighed and wondered what would be next.
Tentatively up next: Sam finds out why Bumblebee isn't with the Autobots, Megatron and the Decepticons talk Scrabble – I mean strategy, and Carly's new boss is giving her dogs to watch for the weekend.
Suggestions and/or reviews are appreciated!