Chapter Two: Meet Geoff Harvey
Many people can't say they've had a day like Jimmy and Stu. Drunk, lost, and in a band with a multi-million dollar recording contract. The best of it is that neither of them play any instruments. As they drove in Jimmy's truck to the famed house of drummer Geoff Harvey, they listened to the radio. The song that played seemed to go on endlessly. The lyrics to Bloodhound Gang's "Fire Water Burn" seemed to drone on until the end of time.
The roof is on fire
We don't need no water let the motherfucker burn
Burn motherfucker, burn
The verse was very much the same.
Hello, my name is Jimmy Pop and I'm a dumb white guy
I'm not old or new but middle school, fifth grade like junior high
I don't know mofo' if y'all peeps be buggin' give props to my ho 'cause she fly
But I can take the heat 'cause I'm the other white meat known as Kid Funky Fry
"Man..." thought Stu. "Who the hell wrote that song?"
"No idea," replied Jimmy. "But he had to have been high, that's for sure."
"High enough to merge without looking?" asked Stu.
"Wait... What? Oh, shit!"
Jimmy panicked and tried to switch back to the other lane, but he couldn't. The Prius in front of him wasn't driving fast enough, meaning he was trapped in the middle of two lanes with no easy way to get out. Hoping he wouldn't be run over by the jerk in the Hummer behind him, Jimmy veered off into the left lane of the highway, hoping the Hummer wouldn't follow behind. However, his hopes would become useless, as the guy in the Hummer, who was on his phone, followed closely behind and stayed on Jimmy's bumper for a good two miles down the road. Finally, the Hummer Jerk exited into town and towered over the guy in the Prius from the other lane. Three miles and two fiery car crashes later, Jimmy and Stu miraculously made it to Geoff Harvey's house in one piece.
"Dude, should we just tell him we don't play guitar or sing?" wondered Stu.
"I guess so. But then there would be no Poison Control anymore. It would be a shame to see such a band just go down the crapper like that. Could you imagine if they had broken up Nirvana just because Kurt Cobain committed suicide?" reasoned Jimmy.
"They did do that, though," reminded Stu.
"What? Did what?" asked Jimmy.
"Nirvana did break up because Kurt Cobain committed suicide. That's why they haven't released an album in 20 years," said Stu.
"See? So just don't commit suicide and Poison Control won't have to break up," said Jimmy.
Stupid! Stupid! he thought to himself.
Jimmy and Stu approached Geoff's front door. Jimmy knocked on the door, but Stu insisted on ringing the doorbell. He rang it incessantly for about ten seconds until Geoff opened the door.
"Stop ringing the damn doorbell!" cried Geoff.
"You answered the door, didn't you?" Stu reminded him.
"I guess I did... hmm. Well, uh, welcome to my house, guys. I see you forgot your guitars," said Geoff.
"That's because we don't play any instru-"
"What he's trying to say is that we don't have them with us because... um..." Jimmy thought about it for awhile after cutting off Stu. "We had to sell them. To-to pay the rent. Our apartment building has been charging a crap-ton of money since the cockroaches stopped infesting the place," added Jimmy.
"Ouch. I feel your pain, dudes," said Geoff. "You know what, though? I have guitars here that you could play! Why don't you come inside and I'll show you."
As the two new friends walked into Geoff's house, Stu whispered to Jimmy two critical and true words that could sum up their entire situation.
Geoff led the two gentlemen downstairs to his basement recording studio. It was carpeted and soundproofed and full of solid gold records, just like the ones at the Hard Rock, only cooler. Stu played with as many mixing board buttons as he could before going into the recording area. In there was a shiny, double kick drumset that looked like it had never been touched. On the contrary, however, this was the only drum set Geoff had ever used, and he intended to keep it that way. Also in the recording area were two Fender Stratocasters, one black and one red, with whammy bars and modified, solid gold necks.
"How the hell do you afford these things?" asked Stu in shock.
"Easy, I'm the drummer of Poison Control," replied Geoff.
"What do you do when you're not the drummer of Poison Control?" asked Jimmy.
"Well, I usually take long vacations with my girlfriend on my own private beach in Maui. Then, retreat to my private cabana to play video games and have wild beach parties with the members of Pearl Jam and Limp Bizkit," replied Geoff.
Stu and Jimmy were just too stunned to speak. Then Stu said,
"Aww, I hate them!"
"What?" asked Geoff in disbelief. "How can you hate the band that made the song Even Flow?"
"No, not them. Limp Bizkit. They suck," corrected Stu.
"I think I agree with you on that one, man," said Geoff. "Now, what's say you guys get playing those guitars. I mean, you are official members of Poison Control and all."
"Cool!" they both interjected at once. It was in the same instant that they both remembered. Crap! They thought.
"Um... Geoff. Do you have any closets that lock from the outside?" asked Jimmy.
Geoff was a little surprised at that, but still, in his charming, matter-of-fact manner, directed them to the outside locking closet. It was upstairs, just outside of Geoff's bedroom. Jimmy and Stu shoved Geoff in the closet and ran back downstairs to the ground level.
"Dude, what are we gonna do?" asked a frantic Stu.
"I don't know," Jimmy responded. "But there's no way we can get out of this. We just have to come clean and confess that we're not really musicians."
"But dude," began Stu. "He just called us official members of Poison Control. That means if we back out now, we'll experience severe media backlash! Severe!"
"Dude, you're over-thinking it. We're not that famous. If anything, Geoff will just say that the band is done and won't make any mention of us at all," said Jimmy.
"I don't know, man. Something about that just doesn't seem right," said Stu.
"Something about what? Explain, dude!" yelled Jimmy urgently.
"No, no. I mean something about that!" Stu pointed to the gargoyle statuette on Geoff's dresser. "That's just odd. Do you see that?"
"Yeah, I do. But dude, we've got bigger problems!"
"You're right. Let's just tell him."
Even though Geoff was in the dark as to why he was in the closet, he would not soon be in the dark about the two newest members of the band.