A/N: Something that popped into my head and needed to be written.
I should be getting a new cell phone soon...so I thought about this.
Warning: Language, violence, OOC, etc...
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Do you honestly think I'd be on here if I did? No! I'd be out producing episodes! :P
It was a calm, placid day in the Akatsuki's hidden base.
Which just so happened to be a giant-ass boulder towering high above the surrounding trees.
Four of the more…senior members of Akatsuki were gathered in the living room, watching the television set they stole from the next door neighbors. Well actually, Kisame and Kakuzu were watching a movie. Itachi was reading the only book he had brought with him from his home for the hundredth time and Sasori was on his cell phone.
A cell phone. Brand-new and also stolen from the next door neighbors! Good thing they had so many children. Pein would hate to have any of his members feel left out.
It was a great way of communicating amongst themselves, despite the fact that they all lived within a five yard radius of one another and were paired in groups for missions now. But that didn't matter. Now they were a part of society!
So far it hadn't given them any problems and had proven somewhat useful for waking everyone up in the morning by constantly texting and calling until they got up and tried to kill whoever's turn it was to wake them all up that day.
Now the group of four's actions were interrupted by their youngest member, wandering into the room with his blonde hair let down and cloak off. The fishnet and midriff shirt always did get to them. But it didn't matter. The kid was always so…goddamn happy and innocent.
"Hey un!" Deidara cheerfully greeted.
Everyone looked at him and was forced to smile. They didn't want to, but the aura the kid radiated was ridiculous in a way that you had to smile or feel horrible for not doing it.
"Hi Deidara," Kisame said. "What are you up to today?"
Deidara rocked back on his heels, arms behind his back. "Nothing much un. Just making flyers to stop the pollution of Amegakure's rivers."
"Really?" Kakuzu raised his brows. "Do you have any idea how much using all that paper costs?"
Deidara grinned. "Don't worry. I used the paper we had lying around and were about to recycle," he cheerfully said.
Itachi blinked. "What else do you do in your free time?"
"I dunno un. Just trying to figure out ways to make this world a better place," Deidara replied a little bit too innocently. Of course, no one noticed except for his ever perceptive danna.
"Okay brat. What horrible thing are you planning now?" Sasori asked, tearing his gaze from the game of Snake he was playing.
Deidara blinked. "What are you talking about danna? And here I was going to make tea for everyone."
Sasori narrowed his eyes. "And probably put poison in it."
"Sasori!" Kisame admonished. "Deidara would never do such a thing!"
It was like everyone but the puppet master missed the way Deidara snickered behind his hand.
"See! Look! He's laughing!" Sasori cried.
All heads swiveled around in the blonde's direction who was just standing there.
Deidara smiled at them. "It seems like Sasori-no-danna's gone crazy, so I'm gonna go to my room un. Are you sure you guys don't want any tea?"
"No," Kisame grinned. "We're fine. Thanks for asking kiddo."
Deidara shook his head, starting to back away. "Okay. Just making sure." He left quietly, a bounce in his step.
Those in the living room were left with a warm fuzzy feeling.
"He's so cute," Kisame gushed, fake tears pouring out of his eyes.
"Now I know why you can't kill him," Kakuzu grouched.
"Oh shut up," Sasori muttered. "Beneath that smile is the devil's spawn I tell you…"
"Because his smile is just oh-so-demonic," Itachi said with a roll of his eyes.
Sasori glared. "You guys don't know anything about the brat. He's probably plotting something right now."
True to the puppet master's word, Deidara was indeed plotting at the moment.
Just like he had bought an entire stock of paper from the store using Kakuzu's money and filled all of Amegakure's rivers with the trash from their base. He would have gotten away with the tea plot had it not been for his danna, but oh well. There was always tomorrow! And today!
Kisame would never suspect him of killing his goldfish. He was too innocent to do something so horrid.
"Hahahahaha un! Sucker!" Deidara eagerly raised a large knife in front of the Kiri nin's fish tank.
The poor goldfish inside cowered in the farthest corner, eyes wide.
As everyone else tended to their business throughout the base, there was one man who had become slightly obsessed with his new cellular device.
His name was Hidan.
As of right now, he was lounging around on his bed upside down, trying out several games, cursing when he lost, and moving on to texting. It would have been great fun had it not been for the fact that every member except Tobi and Deidara blocked him.
"Damn bitches," Hidan mumbled.
Oh well. If he couldn't text them- he'd just call them. And who else to call but his best friend in the organization?
'Sorry un. I can't make it to the phone because I'm busy baking cakes and raising money for the poor. But if you need me, just knock on my door and I'll see what I can do. I'm almost done knitting my 'Save the Planet!' sweaters un!'
Hidan blinked at the message and then started to crack up, beginning to type in the Iwa nin's phone number. He listened to the line on the other end ring twice before it was picked up.
Hidan grinned to himself. "What the fuck are you doing?"
"Killing Kisame's fish. Why?"
"That's what I fuckin' thought. Your voice mail does you no justice."
There was muted laughing on the other end. "Tell me about it hmm. I gotta go. The fish is trying to escape me."
"Alright, alright. Have fun bitch!"
"Yeah, Ja." Hidan snickered as the line disconnected, deciding to listen to everyone else's voice message. If Deidara's was that misleading, then what was everyone else's like? "Let's see…" he cackled to himself. "Next is Itachi's…" This time the phone didn't ring, dark opera music with bells playing in it place. Hidan was immediately terrified.
'This is…Uchiha Itachi's number. I suggest you don't call me if you want to keep what's left of your sanity in tact. But now that you have called, know that I will be watching you twenty-four seven. You cannot escape me or my eyes. They'll always be following. Don't be surprised if you wake up with a kunai in your head. Thank you and have a pleasant day.'
Hidan turned his head away, tears pouring out of his eyes with a popped vein. "Why the hell is he so scary…?" His fingers went down to the next number for him, seeming to sense his inner turmoil. I think it's Kisame next…. he thought to himself.
'Hello fellow members and friends! This is Kisame speaking. Sorry I couldn't come to the phone, but if you leave your name and number I'll be sure to get back to you~'
Hidan gagged a little. "A part of me just died…. Well…he always was kind of… chipper…" He scrolled down a name. "Next is…Konan. But she's one of the more sane ones around this damn place." Hidan's eyes bugged out of his head when he called and the background started to play hellish music, followed by a dark sadistic chuckle and raspy voice.
'You have reached Konan's number…my services include body mutilation, removal of precious organs, and origami folding. I also work with Zetsu on occasion in the flower garden. But that's not the point. You want to off somebody, you better have plenty of money. If not- it'll be your head mounted on the wall. Thank you and have a nice day.'
Hidan dropped his phone, staring at it from where it lay on the phone. "OK, what the fuck?" It was now proven that Akatsuki was indeed full of psychopathic crazies and he was the only remotely normal one in the entire organization.
With reluctance, he slid off his bed and went to retrieve his phone. "At least Leader-san should have something good. I mean, he's the fucking leader of this whole evil organization!" he exclaimed, sitting on the edge of his mattress.
'This is Leader-san.'
"…" Hidan listened to the long period of silence with a brow raised and then hung up. "That was weird. Doesn't he have anything else to fucking say? Geez…" He quickly went to the name under his ever elusive Leader's, calling immediately.
Unlike the other phones, this one rang for a while before the voice mail came on. Which meant the redhead was on his phone at the moment.
Hidan scowled. "Well why didn't he fuckin' pick up?" he asked himself as the message came on.
'This is Sasori. I didn't pick up because I don't like you and could care less for what you want. Thank you and don't ever call again or I'll fuck you up with a piece of wood. And yes- I'm talking to you Hidan.'
Hidan blinked. "O-fucking-kay then… I won't be calling that bitch anytime soon." He went down to the name below it, dreading it slightly. "Ugh. Tobi," he said with a shudder. Slowly he brought the phone to his ear, and pushed the call button.
'Hello everyone~ You have reached TOBI'S NUMBER! Hooray! If you ever need a hug or bath, you can go to TOBI'S ROOM! Hooray! If you don't need anything that requires physical contact than you have reached NON-TOBI'S NUMBER! Non-hooray! Please call Kakuzu-san if you want a good backrub! Or if you need a good brush up you-know-where, then let Kisame-san handle it-'
Hidan threw his still talking phone away from him, screaming loudly. "OH DEAR JASHIN! I'M FUCKIN' SCARRED FOR LIFE!" he wailed, ears beginning to bleed.
After several more minutes of screaming and cleaning his ears with cotton swabs, Hidan was able to cut off Tobi's voice message which had yet to shut the hell up, and go on to Zetsu's.
His brows flew high onto his forehead when elevator music started playing in the background followed by White Zetsu's calming voice. 'Hello. You have reached the number of Zetsu's phone! Please leave your name, number, and address so we can STALK YOU! I mean, contact you back immediately. If you ever need help gardening, our services are available- But you better have money or we're not planting shit bitch!'
Hidan rolled his eyes at Zetsu's, slightly disturbed, but not as disturbed as Tobi's made him. He shook his head to himself several times before scrolling to the last name on his Contacts List that he had edited as Zealot Mc Money Fuck. At least his own partner ought to have something good….
He called the number.
'This is Kakuzu's number. Unless you have business dealing with finances or transactions, don't call me or leave a message. I will hunt you down and kill you. Thanks for calling and have a blessed day.'
"…What the fuck?" Hidan stared at his phone. "WHAT THE FUCK!" he roared. "KAKUZU YOU GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKER! I'LL KILL YOU!"
Kakuzu looked up from where he sat in the living room couch. "Did you hear something?" he asked the redhead next to him.
Sasori scoffed, playing a game on his phone. "Nope."
Kisame tilted his head to the side, listening to the sound of glass breaking and stuff being thrown from upstairs. "I dunno…something doesn't seem right."
"You're overreacting Kisame," Itachi told him from where he sat reading a book. "It's probably just Tobi messing around."
Tobi walked into the room. "Hi guys!" he cheerfully said. "What? Why is everyone staring at Tobi like that?"
Sasori slowly blinked. "Where's Zetsu?"
Tobi flailed his arms. "Out in the garden."
The group of four sitting around the couch glanced at one another.
Kisame looked concerned. "And Konan?"
Tobi started to dance in place. "On a walk with Leader-san!"
"Then…" Itachi glanced at Sasori. "Where's Deidara?"
Sasori shook his head. "I didn't see him yet. Where is he Tobi?" he asked the masked man.
"Sempai is…." Tobi thoughtfully brought a finger to his chin. "Tobi doesn't know where sempai is~"
They all blanched.
"Dear Kami…" Kakuzu muttered.
Deidara walked into Hidan's bedroom, a concerned look on his face and bloodied knife still in his hand. "Hey, I heard all the shouting. What's going on?"
Hidan's head snapped around to him like a whip. "A BLESSED DAY? I'LL SHOW YOU A BLESSED DAY!"
Deidara backed away, knife protectively raised. "Look Hidan un, I don't know what you're talking about but-"
Hidan started to charge.
"Holy crap!" Deidara turned around and made a run for it.
He never quite made it to the door.
The living room was quiet, everyone's eyes on Hidan and Deidara.
Or rather- what was left of Deidara.
Pein stared at the mummified blonde in front of him before turning to glare at Hidan. "What. Did. You. Do?"
Hidan threw his arms up in his defense. "Nothing! Fucking nothing I swear!"
"Hidan," Pein hissed. "The boy is in a full body cast!"
"Courtesy of me," Kakuzu intervened from his position on the couch.
"Yes, thank you Kakuzu," Pein politely said. "NOW TELL ME WHAT YOU FUCKING DID HIDAN!" he screamed at the Jashinist.
"HOLY SHIT! LEADER'S ON SOMETHING!" Hidan screamed back before the orange-haired man moved in on him and ripped his limbs off one-by-one until the Jashinist told him what he had done to poor Deidara.
When Pein found out what had been the cause, he took all of the member's cellphones and used them as firewood for their next bonfire.
Kisame sobbed to himself having just found out his fish died as well, Tobi danced around, Itachi sulked, Konan sighed, Kakuzu began planning the next neighbor heist, Hidan was putting his head back on since his partner was busy, and Deidara was trying to figure out how to push them all into the bonfire and make it look like an accident. It was kind of hard with his body in a cast. And Zetsu- well…
Zetsu was pouring petroleum into the tiny fire, causing it to explode out and up in a shoot of flames. "Hooray!" "Burn baby burn!"
"Give me the phone!" Pein yelled, in a mini tug-o-war with Sasori who refused to unhand his cellular device.
"Never! It's mine!"
"Give it to me now!" Pein gave a fierce tug, popping off both of Sasori's arms. He threw them into the fire as well, not able to unclench the wooden fists around the phone.
The next door neighbors saw this time perfectly fit for getting their revenge on the bunch of troublemakers and made a phone call.
Five minutes later Pein was arrested for polluting the air with harmful substances.
And perfectly good electronics.
"BYE FUCKER!" Hidan cheerfully called as the cop car drove away.
Konan punched him over the head. "This is all your fault baka!"
"Ow!" Hidan scowled, looking at her. "Don't get mad bitch! Now we can make a fucking jail break!" he excitedly shouted.
The group of Akatsuki members looked at one another.
Of course Deidara had to be wheeled to the jail in a stretcher, but it was all good.
It was a helluva break out.
A/N: Wow. The things that go through my head.
Well I had a good laugh writing this- I hope you did the same while reading.