Disclaimer: I'm sitting on my sofa. It' a nice sofa and all, but if I owned Glee, I would probably had a better one. Therefore, by default you should realize that I don't own Glee.
A/N: Okay. This is based off a true event in my life. Basically this happened. This is an actually chat conversation my friend and I had and sent to two of our other friends who were on the other side of the sofa (it's a sectional so it's rather large). Only they didn't ignore us like in this story. True, they didn't ever reply, but they laughed. Not beta'd. Right, well, I'm going to stop talking now. Enjoy.
It was movie night at the Hudmels and Finn smiled to himself, arm around Rachel. Tonight's movie was 'Howl's Moving Castle' and it was a bit weird. Not because it was a cartoon, but because the main chick, she like, would suddenly become older and younger and he didn't understand why Howl's hair changed color halfway through the movie. Of course, it might have made more sense if he didn't have his laptop open and right beside him. But he had to have a tab of face book open! His feed was letting him know the score of the big game that was on.
They weren't actually that far into the movie when it started. Facebook chat popped up and Finn glanced at it. Very confused. For one thing, it was Kurt. Now, Kurt had been known to use the chat if he were in his room and wanted to tell Finn something, but honestly? He was across the room. Not even the distance of the room. He looked over to Kurt who had his own laptop open and was sitting next to Puck. They were freakin' giggling with each other.
He'd noticed how his brother and friend had been growing closer together and he figured that Puck would want to date Kurt soon. Probably would've already had a few dates if Kurt had been a girl, because Puck was freaked out about dating Kurt. Puck told Finn that. But Puck wasn't freaked out because Kurt was a dude, he was freaked out because Kurt was a dude. In the way that he was okay that Kurt was a dude and he'd be up for kissing Kurt and junk but he didn't know how to court a dude because a dude was a dude and not a chick and you didn't do chick things with dudes. Heh. He used the word 'court'. Rachel would be proud. He could maybe get to second base if he mentioned he was courting her. Hopefully.
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL WHEN YOU ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH.
YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL EYES. CAN I TOUCH THEM?
ITS YOUR MOM.
OR MAYBE A CAT.
'The Fuck?' was right. Finn stared at his computer. For one thing, why the caps lock? And why the creepy eye compliment? Glancing back at Puck and Kurt he stared at them a bit longer, trying to figure it out.
They only laughed as Puck typed something out and Kurt's grin grew.
I WAS IN YOUR BATHROOM. I SMELT YOUR SHAMPOO.
I WANTED TO EAT IT.
Finn ignored them and looked at the movie, trying to figure out what was going on. He didn't want Rachel to yell at him for not paying attention. That would contradict his use of the word 'court' earlier and he wouldn't get the second base. But oh, contradict was a good word. He should use both that and 'court' in the sentence. But how could he work both into one sentence?
DO YOU LIKE TO WATCH MOVIES ABOUT GLADIATORS?
I DO. MM. BIG SWORDS. MUSCLE-Y. MM. BIG MUSCLE-Y SWORDS.
Oh Cheesus. Finn looked over to them, horrified. Kurt had the computer now. It seemed as if Puck had written the first message but Kurt finished it. What in the world was going on with them?
But they seemed to quiet down and look at the screen, so Finn ignored them some more and did as well.
WANT TO PLAY MORTICIANS? I'LL BE THE CORPSE.
WANT TO PLAY HIDE AND GO SEEK UNDER MY APRON?
I'VE HEARD OF UNISEX, BUT I'VE NEVER HAD IT.
Where they on drugs? Did Puck make some sort of drug food and give it to Kurt? And what was unisex? Turning to Rachel, he thought about asking, but if he did she wouldn't let him get to second base. Asking about unisex and not paying attention wouldn't trump 'court' and 'contradict'.
WANT TO TRADE HEARTS? I'VE GOT A BLOODY MACHETE.
WANT TO SEE MY DOOR IN THE SIDE OF A MOUNTAIN?
I'VE GOT TWO.
PLEASE BE MY LOVE SPIRIT.
LOVE SPIRIT. I WANT TO DRINK YOU FROM A GLASS. MMMM...
Wait. What? Blinking at the computer screen he frowned then looked at the movie. 'Want to see my door in the side of a mountain'? That was what was going on in the movie right now. There was a door, in the side of a mountain.
Looking once more, at the two, Finn wondered what they were up to. Clearly it was something evil. Why else would they be sending him some creepy pick-up lines. Or at least, that's what it seemed like to Finn. Not only creepy because of what they said but because Puck and Kurt were sending them. Probably thought they were being funny.
I HAVE SEEN THE FUTURE. IT IS WRAPPED IN PLASTIC.
I HAVE FUCKED YOU IN THE FUTURE.
Oh Cheesus. What fresh hell is this? Which one of them fucked him in the future? Rachel tilted her head at Finn, "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, Rach." Finn lied. "Just enjoying the movie."
WILL YOU BE MY TURNIP HEAD? FOR EVAHZ?
I HEAR YOU GIVE GREAT TURNIP HEADS.
WE HEARD YOU DO STRANGE THINGS WITH NECTARINES.
I WILL NAME EVERY CHILD FROM MY LITTER AFTER YOU.
Oh no, they mentioned Turnip Head. The chick who couldn't decide if she wanted to be young or old called this one moving scarecrow Turnip Head. They ruined a perfectly fine character by making him a dirty pick-up line.
Also, Finn was offended about the nectarine comment. Sure, he played with them a bit before eating them but neither Puck nor Kurt should've brought that up. It wasn't that weird. So what if his slices of Nectarines were soldiers marching into his mouth to do battle against his belly? Of course, the soldiers always lost, but still. Not cool man.
MMMM. SQUEEZY SQUEEZY.
COME HIDE IN MY ELBOW WRINKLE WITH ME.
Now they defiled satsumas? How dare they? And while Finn was thinking about it, what exactly was a satsuma? Wasn't it some sort of over-weight Asian dude in undies who fought in a circle with other satsumas? He should ask Mike to make sure…
Looking away from both the television and computer screen, he looked at Puck and Kurt. Giving a sigh of relief, he was glad to see that Kurt's computer was closed. Only he had to look away quickly because they had started to make out and that was something he didn't really want to see. Not because it was two dudes but because he know the two dudes well and it was his brother and his best friend. Happy for them, but didn't want to see it.
Finn then heard Rachel let out a squeak. "What?"
"That's hot." Rachel said, eyes wide and staring at Kurt and Puck.
Finn decided he didn't want to know. Giving a sigh, he tried to ignore the sounds of them and pay attention to the end of the movie when Rachel whispered something into his ear about how after the movie maybe they could go to his room.
Okay. His brother and best friend making out wouldn't be too bad if he managed to get to second base because of it.