"Hey Butters...isn't that your gay-ass Hello Kitty pencil Clyde's using?"
Cartman nudged the blonde, pointed in the direction of Clyde Donovan; chewing on the eraser (shaped like Hello Kitty's head, of coarse.)
Now Cartman had no intention of letting his boyfriend fight his own battles. Dating the school's designated whipping boy was starting to make him look bad (in addition to actually making him...CARE about someone else.) And he wasn't about to wait for Butters to grow a spine for all of that to change.
But that didn't mean he wasn't going to teach Butters how to stand up for himself. And while everyone else in the 6th grade class were finding their seats, Cartman was giving Butters his first lesson in assertiveness; demanding that dickhole Clyde give him his pencil back!
"Y-yeah...I let him borrow it weeks ago for that math test."
"And he hasn't given it back yet?" Cartman asked, in mock surprise.
"W-well no, but I don't see what the big deal is. I can always get more pencils."
Cartman smacked his own forehead, before running his fat fingers through his mousey brown hair with a heavy sigh. He knew getting Butters to stand up for himself was gonna be tough but Jesus...
"That's not the point, Butters! That's YOUR propertah, and that turd-burgler Clyde is denying you YOUR propertah because he knows you're not gonna do anything about it! Don't you get it, Butters? In order to be assertive and get the respect you deserve, you have to think Clyde stealing your pencil is a big fucking deal!"
"Okay Eric, I'll try..."
Cartman gave him a quick little slap on the ass before sitting his own tubby butt down in his seat, watching...
"H-hey there Clyde."
"Waddya want, wuss."
'Well, strike one for Clyde...'
Eric thought, while bending a paper clip then digging it into his desk.
"Um...I was just wonderin', I let you borrow that pencil a while ago and...I was thinking, maybe you could give it back to me now."
Clyde looked up at him, frowning. "Yeah...the thing is, I just keep forgetting to bring my own pencils so I'm gonna have to use yours for a little while longer. You understand right?"
'Strike two...' Eric shook his head, still scratching his paperclip on the surface of the desk.
Butters straightened his back, feeling courageous.
"Ok, Clyde I'll let you borrow it for one more day and then I want it back. So, you should try to remember to bring your own tomorrow."
Cartman chuckled to himself, kinda proud of how his boyfriend was handling himself...
But Clyde was much less impressed.
"Hm, I'll try to keep that in mind...now get away from me, gaywad. I don't want people to get the wrong idea."
'Aaaaaaaaand strike three.' Cartman furiously scribbled on the desk, while Butters dejectedly went back to his seat in front of his boyfriend.
"I don't think it worked, Eric." Butters said sheepishly, afraid to turn around and see what was sure to be a very disappointed Eric Cartman. But Cartman just leaned over his desk and whispered in his ear reassuringly.
"Nah, you did fine, babeh...don't worry about it...an' I gotta feelin' Clyde will turn around..."
"Ok everyone, shut the hell up!" Their teacher announced, clearly just trying to work through yet another hangover. "That means queermos too!" Cartman grumbled, sitting back in his seat while the class erupted with laughter...watching the back of Butters head try to hide in his own sweater.
Once Mr. Dickface decided to continue with the lesson, Cartman passed the time by scribbling their teacher's name on his desk right underneath Clyde's.
By Lunch, Cartman's desk was completely littered with names.
It was hardly Butters fault though – he really was trying! Honest! He asked Leroy a little louder than usual for him to stop kicking the back of his seat during math...and he gave a firm 'no' when Kevin asked to borrow his lunch money. And he even tried shoving Craig back when he pushed him into the lockers in gym class!
But that just got him punched in the face.
"I'm s-sorry Eric...you must be awful disappointed in me..." Butters sniffled, walking out of the bathroom stall with a fistful of toilet paper for his bloody nose.
"Butters, don't be a douche..." Cartman rolled his eyes, snatching the wad of toilet paper from Butters fist before gently dabbing it on his boyfriend's face. "You did great for your first day of not being a total pussy. I'm actually pretty proud of you."
"I just said I was, Jesus! Here, just keep putting pressure on that..." Butters did what he was told, but gave his chubby boyfriend a funny sorta look...Eric was being so...so calm! He wasn't screaming, wasn't kicking, wasn't shouting...he wasn't doing anything really other than pacing back and forth in the boys bathroom...thinkin' awfully deep about somethin'. Butters knew this meant one of two things – either Eric Cartman didn't care that Craig had given Butters a bloody nose and was preoccupied by somethin' else, or he was planning something really, REALLY terrible. Like, feeding Scott Tennorman his own parents, terrible.
And honestly, Butters hoped it was the later.
At this point, he thought while nursing in bloody nose, he was sick of being pushed around and made fun of all the time! He was sick of bein' patient and kind to everybody when the only person who deserved it was Eric. He just wanted to be as assertive as his boyfriend was aggressive-
"Butters...why are you lookin' at me like that?"
Butters quickly dropped his head to the floor...watching little flecks of blood fall on his shoes.
"N-nothin'...I just wish I could get people to...what do you say all the time? 'Respect my authority?'"
And as soon as the bloody, vulnerable, adorable little Butters used what Cartman always considered to be his catch phrase, he found him self in the rare position of feeling...really loving and affectionate.
So he pulled Butters in for a hug...an honest to Christ gentle, loving hug.
"Babeh...you don't have to worry about anybody respectin' your authoritah. Because once I'm done with them, they're sure as fuck going to respect mine."
Butters looked up from the floor, beaming at Cartman, and wiping the blood from his lower lip.
"R-really, Eric? Ya mean it?"
"Butters, I just said I'd take care of it! Open your fucking ears! Trust me...ah'm gonna make sure nobody ever fucks with you ever again."
Cartman brushed the blonde's hair with his fingers and kissed his forehead before releasing him.
"Hey, why don't ya go get lunch and save me a seat? I'll be right there...I just gotta take care of some things."
And he was gone...how does he do that? He weighs like 160 pounds!
So while Butters was pondering how his chubby boyfriend could move so fast with so much fat, Eric was puffing and panting in the hallway...until he noticed Clyde in the nearly empty hallway, putting his books away in his locker.
Well, Clyde's name was the first one etched on his desk...
"Oh haaaai Clyde..."
"Hi, lard-butt...you're kinda in the wa-HEY!"
Clyde was shoved hard into the lockers, then pinned in place by Cartman...who still looked eerily calm.
"Look Clyde, even though you're a total dick, I just want to let you know that it's nothing personal."
"What's not personal?"
Clyde asked, not actually giving a shit.
"Well, I've been watching and I couldn't help but notice you treated mah Butters like a sack of crap or a minority today. So now I have to use you as an example."
"Actually, that sounds totally personal..."
"Oh. Well I guess your right, Clyde! That's great news – this is going to be so much more rewarding now!"
"H-how is that good news?" Clyde squeaked...trying to get by Cartman but was pushed into the lockers again.
"Oh, Ah'm sorry...I meant good news for me! This is totally gonna suck for you..."
Meanwhile, back in the cafeteria, Butters was trying to balance three lunch trays (2 for Eric, 1 for himself.) The trays wobbled back and forth while he scanned the cafeteria for two open seats. Every time he got close to a table, kids would place their things over the precious few available seats and glare. After circling the cafeteria three and a half times, Stan took pity on him and waved, silently inviting him to their table much to the dismay of Kyle.
"Dude, don't! Aw shit, now he's coming over..."
"What? You saw Craig punch Butters in the face today, the least we can do is let him sit with us. Plus, Cartman-"
"Fuck Cartman! And I still think he's up to something."
"Oh not this again..."
"H-hey fellers...thanks for letting me sit with you guys."
Butters interrupted, setting all three trays down. Kyle crossed his arms and sulked.
"Whrtevrr" Kenny shrugged, not really paying attention...Bebe was wearing a low-cut top today.
"Yeah no problem, Butters." Stan smiled, trying to be friendly. Or friendlier than his friends, at least. "...so where's Cartman? I thought he would be by your side as usual."
Butters coughed, choking on his applesauce a little bit.
"Eh...heh, I'm not sure. He just told me he had to take care of something and to save him a seat."
Now Kyle was paying attention...
"Oh did he now..."
"Kyle, not now seriously."
Stan rolled his eyes, while Kyle stood up.
"What, Stan? You saw those list of names on tubby's desk too! I'm just saying!"
"C-couldya not call my boyfriend 'tubby?'"
Stan and Kenny snickered at their friend, who was just told off by the school pussy, while Kyle sat back down...jew-rage boiling under his hat.
"Shut up, Butters."
Butters sighed, stabbing his green beans with a fork...then jumped as a pair of large hands touched his shoulders.
"Hey babeh I- AW SWEET! Two pudding cups?"
And Cartman sat down next to Butters, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek before shoveling chocolate pudding into his face. Butters relaxed, scooching a bit closer to Cartman.
"N-no problem Eric...I know you didn't eat much for breakfast this morning. S-so where did you run off to?"
"Yeah, ERIC, where did you run off to? And since when do you run?" Kyle added, glaring at his fat rival from across the table.
"Or don't eat much for breakfast..." Stan added, while Kenny laughed.
Cartman looked up from his lunch and glared at them.
"Oh fuck you guys!" He spat, while they dodged little bits of pudding flying at them. "And you'll find out in a minute, so just let me me eat my goddamn lunch!" He tossed his now empty pudding cups aside before jamming his fork into his first loaf of meat. "By the way, Butters...I got your gay-ass pencil back from Clyde. So you know...whatever."
Cartman shrugged, while Butters gushed.
"W-wow really, Eric? How did you get him to do that?"
"Like I said, no big deal...but I gotta feeling you're not going to want it now..." He snickered, grabbing a distracted Kenny's chocolate milk...before Kyle snatched it away. "AY!"
"What do you mean, you fat turd-"
And that's when one of the unnamed fourthies busted through the cafeteria door, screaming...and about to answer Kyle's question.
"HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Someone shanked Clyde with a pencil! He's in the hallway bleeding all over the place! Guys, you gotta fucking see this before they call an ambulance!"
Not long after the primary school children (unable to resist the allure of blood and gore) rushed into the hallway to get a good look, Cartman was called to the principal's office.
Leaving 4 very confused and horrified boys alone in the cafeteria.
"Wahrt thrr furrk?"
"...Ha! I fucking told you, didn't I Stan?"
Well, 3 confused and horrified boys and 1 very smug Jew.