Author's Note: FINALLY. FINALLY this is done. It's nine days late but tough love.
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha. I do not profit from this story.
Thanks a Bunch
(But I'm Not Getting Married)
I stood in the bedroom, looking at myself in the mirror critically. My long black hair was down and flawless, bangs professionally done around my face. The tuxedo was fitted and expensive as hell, making me look even richer than I already was. The white collared shirt underneath stood in contrast to the fancy-knotted tie. The vest was barely noticeable, but it too was expensive and well-tailored. At the end of the night when I removed my jacket, I'd look just as good as I did now.
…Still, I feel like a fucking butler.
I grabbed the champagne at the corner of the room, a glass poured by Mr. Higurashi himself as he laughed at me. The bastard. I barely planned this wedding. I paid for it all, barely denting my bank account since Kagome was so overly money conscious, but Kagome's the one who organized the whole thing. Her and Sango, because Sango's OCD and very neat and well… It's kind of up her alley.
Taking a swig of the champagne, I winced at the bubbles and tried to relax. It's okay. All I'm doing is getting married to the woman I love.
And, you know, forever is a very long time.
I thought about it, letting ideas whirl around and around and around. Someone probably should have told me that thinking prior to your own wedding was a disaster waiting to happen. As it stands, no one was with me. Miroku was probably finding stronger alcohol to bring us and Sota and Shippo were out front with the guests. Kagome decided a small wedding party was best, where only Sango and Miroku were up there with us.
I don't know a thing about weddings so I assume that's grand.
But, you know, getting back to the forever thing. Forever is a long ass time. Kagome and I will be living in a big house just outside of the city we live in now. Bang will be with us, because he's awesome, and Sota and Shippo will be with us, because Sota's in university with student loans and Shippo's still too young. Whatever. I don't mind them. They've warmed up to me a lot more since I proposed and didn't run away again. Yes, the house we live in…forever…will be great.
I frowned. Was it hot in here or was it just me? I looked at the champagne glass warily before putting it down. That was my first sip. Surely I wasn't already drunk.
And where the hell was Miroku? That bastard better not be sleeping with his wife in the closet or I swear I will murder him with my bare hands – tuxedo and all. I'll be like James Bond, only hotter. And Sango….dear lord I'm not even sure how she handles him on the daily basis, especially with their damn child.
Right. Yes. Sango and Miroku had their baby just over a year ago, the little girl a horrible, terrible mixture of the both of them. Imagine this: an OCD neat freak combined with an alcoholic, perverted, smart-at-math person. Yeah. Her career choices will be scary. So Ayane Tsujitani would be, undoubtedly, the one to destroy the world if Sango never got around to it.
At least we have a back-up plan for the apocalypse. I'm sure the devil is rolling around laughing right now.
Tugging at my tie a little – because I swear to you it's stifling in here – I stared back at my reflection in the mirror. I looked hot, probably a little hotter than I normally do, which is a miracle in itself. And Kagome…well I can only imagine what she would look like. Oh god.
I can't wait to rip off whatever big and poofy wedding dress she's wearing with my teeth. I will shred it with scissors if I have to. I'll even buy her a new one if she wants but the sex we're having tonight? It'll be epic. Thanks.
I reached out for the champagne again, taking a large gulp to cool down. I paced around the room, waiting until Miroku showed up to tell me it was time to walk down and wait.
Oh god. Wait… Wait for my marriage to officially commence.
To one Kagome Higurashi, who will soon be one Kagome Taisho, who will soon be my bride and my wife and my partner forever.
Ever notice how the word forever just seems…ominous? It's like the word eternity only… Forever.
…Just seems like it'll be a long time, you know?
And if Kagome and I are going to be married for a long time, well…
I twitched. No. Oh god, I hadn't thought of that. I…I really didn't think these plans through, did I? Oh no. Oh no. What if… What if Kagome is going to hate it? What if Kagome is going to roll her eyes at me when the time comes and…
When the time comes, that's it. There's no changing things.
I looked at the glass of champagne, wondering why it was so empty so fast. Where was Miroku? Wasn't the best man supposed to be there to calm you down? Wasn't he supposed to be the one to smack you on the head and tell you to stop thinking so you didn't do anything horribly rash?
There was no best man in the room right now. There was no Miroku.
Slowly I put the glass down, edging my way closer to the door.
Was I really going to make that mistake and ruin everything down the road?
With one last look at my face in the mirror, I made up my mind.
I grabbed the doorknob, slammed it open and made a run for it. If I was lucky, I'd have just enough time.
Miroku was quite pleased with himself to say the least. He had a glass of something that was definitely not champagne but a shitload stronger, and he had his daughter perched on his shoulders, her legs wrapped loosely around his neck as she waved her hands in the air.
Clearly Miroku was the best roller coaster the one year-old had ever been on. Miroku was quite proud to have that title. Holding her little legs, he carefully weaved his way through the building. It was relatively empty, most of the guests outside since the wedding was still an hour away. It had been a huge turnout so far, with a ton more to come despite the fact it was mostly family.
Inuyasha had been right. Kagome had a massive, insane family. But the insanity part was the most endearing.
The room Inuyasha was waiting in was just down the hall so he finished his drink, slammed the tumbler on some random pedestal – because he was the best man and he wasn't cleaning that shit up – and continued on to his best friend who was getting married.
Miroku grinned evilly, feeling the own weight of his heavy band. Marrying Sango, while interesting, was the best thing he had ever done. Looking up at his daughter Ayane, he laughed at her wide open and smiling face. Oh, she was definitely going to be a charmer when she was older. "Ready to see your uncle?" he asked playfully, bouncing her up and down a little before making obscene jet-like noises as he took off the rest of the way.
So sue him. He was a jet-slash-roller coaster. If Ayane was happy, he would tell everyone else to suck it. And then laugh at the ones that actually tried to as they got pounded the shit out of by his gorgeous, fiery wife.
Miroku couldn't wait until the reception, because he and Sango had a date in the coatroom later, if you caught his drift.
The door was already open so Miroku bounded in and cheered. Ayane giggled gleefully on top of him, clapping like this was the best show ever. "Here's Uncle Yasha!" Miroku yelled, looking around the room.
…Where was Inuyasha?
Miroku hesitated for a moment, waiting for the second when the groom-to-be would jump out and scream "surprise!"
The seconds ticked. Nothing happened.
Frowning, Miroku hefted Ayane off of his shoulders, bringing her down to sit comfortably in his arms. Her hands were in her mouth, but as a father he learned to accept drool everywhere. There were just some things in life you had to deal with.
But this…Inuyasha gone wasn't one of them.
Where the hell would he go? Miroku looked around every square inch of the room, wondering if maybe in a panic he knocked himself out and was dying somewhere. It was entirely possible. Inuyasha's life was nothing if not eventful, and well, insane. Miroku thought he'd be a nice addition to the Higurashi family at least.
When he couldn't find him, Miroku sat down in a chair and waited. He played with Ayane a bit, listening to her giggle with her piercing blue eyes staring up at him in delight. Her little purple dress matched the colour of Sango's, and Kagome had even made sure she had a little bracelet of flowers like the others in the wedding party.
Five minutes passed and Miroku knew, without a doubt, that something was very, very wrong. Bathroom? No. It wouldn't take this long. Finding more alcohol? There was a bar just around the corner so that shouldn't have been a problem. Getting Kagome? Sango was in the room with her so that wouldn't happen in his lifetime. His wife had pulled out a baseball bat when Miroku had tried to get a sneak peek at Sango's wedding dress when it was their time to marry.
So…where was Inuyasha then?
Staring at the open door, Miroku realized that it had been like that before he even came in. It was left open, like Inuyasha had been in too much of a rush to shut it behind him.
Oh no no no no.
I stole a car.
Holy fucking shit I stole a car.
Gripping the steering wheel tight, I pushed my foot down on the gas and tore off. I had no clue whose vehicle this was, but I came in a limo with Miroku after our photos had been taken. I didn't have my car here so really, if you think about it, I had no choice okay?
I stole a car.
First thing, I know, is who the hell leaves the key to their car in the actual car? What are they, stupid and one-hundred and fifty years-old? Is it so hard to remember to take the key out when the car has turned off? It was practically begging to be stolen. Okay? That was my excuse.
Oh god I was in so much trouble.
But I had to do this. I had to. Forever. Twitching, I turned down a side street, thanking whoever cared from above that our wedding took place not too far away. The garden was just outside of the city, a good solid twenty minutes away from my destination.
Checking the time, I tried not to think too hard about what was happening. In one hour I was supposed to be getting married…forever.
The engine screamed in protest as I pushed the gas harder.
Miroku was cradling Ayane, who seemed to be thinking this was all so very funny. He, on the other hand, thought it was anything but.
Sango was going to kill him. Somehow, someway, this was going to be his fault.
Alas, that was marriage for you.
"What?" Sango hissed, peeking through the crack when she barely opened the door. "Miroku, what are you doing here? You should be with Inuyasha."
Miroku nodded. "I know, you're absolutely right I should. Only I went to check on him and he was gone."
"Gone, like where, to the washroom?" Sango rolled her eyes. "Dear lord, you're not going to freak him out by bringing the baby. The man is getting married."
Miroku nodded again. The nodding thing was very, very useful. He wondered vaguely if anyone else ever found that to be true. "Inuyasha's gone, as in…not here. At all."
It took a moment, understanding dawning in her eyes before Sango slammed the door in his face. Typical. He could hear Sango's soothing voice on the other end, probably speaking to Kagome. He waited patiently, cradling little Ayane and stepping aside so when his wife walked out the door Kagome couldn't see him. It took two minutes, but finally Sango was there in her beautiful purple dress, hair long and flowing with the barest hint of purple makeup.
Said makeup did nothing to camouflage the anger. "HE WHAT?"
By now, Miroku learned several things about Sango. The first big thing was that his wife was naturally an angry person towards everyone except their daughter. Miroku could only guess it came along with the motherly instincts crap, but Ayane was the only person in the entire world that Sango would never be angry to. Maybe even Kagome. Whatever. That was number one.
Number two, the second thing, was that at all times Sango should never go from mad to furious. They were two different levels that spoke volumes, as one contained a gun and the other didn't. You know, life saving reasons and all.
Right now, Miroku was trying to keep number two under control. "I don't know where Inuyasha is. I've checked everywhere – the bathroom, the bar, outside with the guests, down the aisle, everything. I don't know where he went."
"Oh god, I'm going to kill that fucker," Sango groaned, making sure to cover Ayane's ears before she actually swore. "What do you think he's doing? You don't…" She paused, her eyes meeting Miroku's. "Oh my god, you don't actually think he would…run do you?"
"Like Runaway Bride, only the male version?" Miroku asked, trying to lighten the mood but realizing that he was failing miserably. The death glare directed his way was enough to have him never try that option again. "I don't know. He seemed fine this morning during the photo shoot."
Sango didn't look any more relieved. "This is Inuyasha we're talking about. The guy is about as level-headed as a–" she put her hands back on Ayane's ears "–fucking psychopath."
Yeah, that was probably true.
"So what do we do?" Miroku asked, biting his lower lip as he bounced Ayane a little. "How are we going to find him?"
"How else?" Sango asked, taking their baby girl and kissing her forehead. "We go and look for the idiot."
"Will not know," Sango interrupted sharply.
Miroku gulped. His wife – while hot, sexy, fiery, intelligent, gun-crazy, and all the other fluffy things he could call her – was sometimes scary as fuck. "Yes ma'am."
Oh shit. Oh fuck.
I groaned, smacking my head against the wheel. The car was finally pulled over at the destination I couldn't have gotten to fast enough. But there was one problem:
I forgot Bang.
Shit. Fuck he was going to be so pissed at me. I mean, yeah, Popcorn the Bladder Challenged Chihuahua was with him, but still. Bang was going to be greatly unhappy with me that I left him.
It was too late. I couldn't turn back now.
Surely Kagome would take care of him. The stupid (–ly awesome) Great Dane clearly loved her more anyways.
Hopping out of the stolen vehicle – Jesus Chris I stole a fucking car – I took a look at my surroundings.
Too late to go back.
Leaving the keys in the ignition I continued on, walking towards the sun that was still high in the sky.
Sango liked to think that she was a woman of many talents: she was strong both physically and mentally, she was undoubtedly loyal to her friends and most of all, she didn't take shit from any fucker no matter what.
Which was why, when Miroku came to the door and told her that Inuyasha was gone, she wanted to have a reason to trust him. Inuyasha Taisho wasn't exactly the brightest when it came to clutch situations, but he was still smart. And okay, yeah, she thought he was a fucking dumbass most of the time with regards to his social life but… Whatever. She could deal with the stupidity that was Inuyasha "The Unobservant Rich Bastard" Taisho.
And then he met Kagome. OH GOD did he meet Kagome. And then there was crap. And then there was shit. And then there was fuck-all of anything until somehow, someway, Inuyasha getting shot translated into epic never-ending love and now, six years later, they were getting married.
Of course, it's not like she should talk. Her and Miroku attacked each other with steak knives on their first date. So. Maybe shit just happened to fuckers that liked each other. Maybe it was all about testing limits, finding true love and all that bullshit.
When Miroku told her that Inuyasha was gone, something inside of her just…wanted to blow something up. It was the reason her father taught her how to shoot a gun, because there was no better release of anger than shooting at an outline of a person in the head fifty-fucking-thousand times. Seriously, no better feeling at all.
"Where do we even start?" Miroku asked, his blue eyes wide. "We have less than an hour to find him and bring him back."
Sango took a deep breath, letting it out slowly and processing. If she was a fucking moron, where would she run to? "Okay, so his options would be his house, her house… Yeah, not much."
"Well it doesn't make sense to go to her house unless he's planning on getting his belongings to flee the country," Miroku pointed out.
Sango blinked at the idea, twitching with rage. Miroku liked to call it her Pre-Fem!Hulk Stage, but she really didn't think her anger translated to the Hulk. Like really, she wasn't that bad. "He wouldn't flee the country, I have his passport. And I know he doesn't have any sort of credit cards or ID on him because I made sure I took it last night." When her husband just raised an eyebrow in question, she shrugged. "I'm not stupid. The–" she covered her daughter's ears "–fucker could've thought of seeing her the night before. That's forbidden shit you know."
"Right," Miroku laughed, clamping his mouth shut when he saw Sango's gaze. "So with that logic he'd still be walking around somewhere near here. He couldn't have gotten too far."
Sighing, Sango held out her hand. "I need your phone."
"You have one, don't you?" Miroku retorted, narrowing his eyes at her. "Why do you want mine? This isn't the time for a porn check."
"You are insufferable!" Sango yelled, glaring. "Give me the- the darn phone! I need to get on the internet and mine doesn't do that!"
Miroku balked a little then, slowly passing over his phone as he juggled Ayane in his arms. "Oh."
"Yeah oh, you moron."
"I love you too sweetie."
"F off." Sango wasn't too used to Miroku's smart phone – and why did they call them smart phones anyways? To make the others sound like cell phones for idiots? – but she managed to pull up the site she wanted and then dialled the number on her own cell phone. "I have Inuyasha micro-chipped, so I'll be able to find him."
"You what?" Miroku looked absolutely horrified.
"It was a long time ago. How else do you think I find him when he's drunk and lost and stumbling around alleys twenty cities over? Seriously, you need to think ahead." Sango shook her head, speaking to the operator for a few precious minutes and then plugging in coordinates on the website.
A little pretty blue ball came on the screen.
"There he is!" Sango cheered, hanging up and then zooming in on the little map. "How the hell did he get all the way over there?"
"Where is he?"
"Twelve miles from here," Sango murmured, studying the screen. She looked at the closest intersection, groaning when she realized where he was. "That- That-" Sango looked at her daughter, who was sucking on her finger in Miroku's arms. "That motherbleeper."
Miroku laughed. "How did he even get that far?"
"With Inuyasha, how would you even know?" Sango said through gritted teeth. "Come on, we'll need to hurry up if we're going to make it on time. I swear to god, when I see that jackass, I'm going to rip him a new one. I will kill him slowly, feed him to piranhas and laugh as he struggles."
Her husband didn't even blink, merely nodding along. "Yes dear." Really, Sango's way was the only way.
Sango was rather pleased with that.
"You know, jackass is a bad word," Miroku hummed lightly, trying to but failing to be subtle.
"Donkey then," she sighed with exasperation. "When I see that donkey…"
Miroku grinned wide and charming. "That's my girl."
So much for Sango's way or the highway.
It was like staring at the future and realizing that you are super fucked. Like no matter what, it was not going to be good enough.
I'm standing here wondering what the hell to do now. I'm supposed to be getting married in forty minutes and here I am – not at my wedding, not prepared to walk down the aisle and smile at all the folks who came to see me wed Kagome, not ready for the foreverness of my situation.
Is foreverness even a word? No?
Well fuck you, it is now.
I'm not sure how long I was just standing and staring, like an entranced monkey looking reverently at a banana. Like Aladdin and his damn lamp on the pedestal, or like Miroku with Sango's ass in tight jeans, I was transfixed by a whirling in my brain that just wouldn't shut up.
I was so utterly, uselessly fucked, and it was all my fault.
It only got worse when there was a screech of tires, gravel flying down the driveway still yet to be paved. I turned around confused, because no one should be here. Only select people knew about this place – my secret hideaway – and oh god, who was here? Who found out?
When I saw Sango's Camaro gleaming in the sun, with Miroku stepping out of the passenger seat and Sango…
Well, what Sango's doing couldn't be considered stepping out, because she's currently pissed off, angry and well… Furious. So stepping out is too calm sounding, too…normal for a woman predicted to blow up the world with her fury alone.
I shrank back in fear, doing the only thing I could do:
"You motherfucker, get back here asshole!" Sango screamed, and despite the fact that she was in the purple dress and stupidly high silver heels, she was still trying.
But she wouldn't catch me. I couldn't let her. "You don't understand!" I yelled back, grabbing the front door and swinging it wide open. It was unlocked because there was nothing of value in it – not yet at least. I made it to the one room that had me so troubled, the one thing that had me questioning forever.
"Inuyasha!" Miroku shouted, and man, did he sound worried. I stopped on instinct, because if Miroku was panicked that meant something seriously messed up was happening.
Like, for example, Sango pointing a gun at me.
Not exactly a common occurrence, although I must admit it's happened a few times in my life. It's happened quite a few in Miroku's lifetime too, so both of us have to take care of each other.
"Inuyasha I'll fucking shoot you in the leg! Then you won't be running too hotly!" Sango was in the house, getting closer, her heels on the wood obnoxiously loud.
I had no doubt that if prompted, she would. Sango saw red when she was angry – like the Hulk, only wearing purple with a rose wrapped around her wrist and manicured, diamond-studded nails. "You can't do that," I blurted out, the first thing I could think of. "This was expensive as shit!"
"Not expensive enough to make me care!" she screamed back.
And yeah, she had a point.
Sango laughed, somewhat scarily if you ask me. "Right, she's really going to care when I tell her what you're doing! What the fuck are you running for?" I was pressed against a door, waiting as Sango finally found me and her gun was…well bigger than the last time I saw it. She's apparently upgraded.
Miroku had mentioned something ambiguous about their household security being better than ever since Ayane was born. This was probably the reason why.
"I'm not running," I countered, pointedly looking at my planted feet.
Sango snarled, barely sparing a glance at her husband when he finally made his appearance in the doorway where she stood. "Why aren't you at the wedding? I swear to god Inuyasha, if you have backed out again because of your tiny-minded stupidity, I will actually shoot you in the face."
I rolled my eyes at her, even though I was slightly, possibly shaking. She was, as per usual, very very angry. Miroku was only grimacing, but I could tell he wasn't going to say anything because he was on his wife's side. Traitor. "Forever is a really long time," I started, putting my hands out in front. "And I was alone in my room and thinking about this and, you know, I can't afford to have Kagome hate me for–"
"Oh my god you are so SELFISH," Sango practically shrieked, taking two steps closer.
"Let me finish!" I glared at her, reaching back behind me for the doorknob. "I was thinking in my room that I want Kagome to be happy, and if we're going to be together forever, I have to make sure I don't screw up right away."
I watched as Sango blinked, clearly taken aback. She didn't lower the gun but her head turned around completely to look at Miroku. "I thought I just heard him trying to be sweet. I'm hallucinating, right?"
Miroku shrugged. "I don't know. I heard the same thing. We could both be high though."
"On what?" Sango shook her head and turned her attention back to me. "Maybe he's actually being sweet and husbandly."
"He's not married yet."
"Fine, fiancély. Better?"
"That's not a word."
I could see that this was getting out of hand really, really fast. Also, doesn't it bother you when people are talking like you aren't even there? Yeah. It's annoying as shit. "Hello guys, come on!" I yelled.
"Shut up, I'm trying to determine what's going on," Sango snapped, pausing then and staring at me. Oh god, here it was again. The searching eyes. The ones that were like a friggen x-ray machine, like she was trying to figure out every little bit of me.
And dear god, if anyone shouldn't know every little bit of me, it would be Sango. Why you may ask? Because she's holding a fucking gun.
And she could involuntarily – or voluntarily, you never actually know with fem!Hulk Sango – blow up the world. Just a side note there.
"What's behind the door?" she asked suddenly, lowering her gun and clicking on the safety. Dear GOD that was actually off? She's fucking certifiable.
And then I processed what she asked. "Uh," I mumbled, trying to think of something to say. Because no way was I letting her inside The Room. The Room of trouble. The Room that had me questioning everything. There's only so much I can take in one day and this? This is already my limit. "Nothing, I was just cornered here by your goddamn gun. You seriously should be careful because one day you're actually going to– AH, OKAY! JUST DON'T DO IT!"
"Sango, holy– Don't be rash my dearest!" Miroku yelled, but that was only vaguely understood because right now the gun is pointed at my dick. Repeat: the gun is pointed at my dick.
MAYDAY! MAYDAY! MAYDAY!
How will the Mini-Inuyashas appear in this world? How would I bless everyone with their presence then?
"Open the door Inuyasha, we don't have time! You have a wedding to go to!"
"Well if you hadn't come–"
"OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!"
…What choice do I have then? Groaning, I turned around and twisted the knob, letting the door swing open so that a brightly painted room came into view. I walked in, listening as Sango and Miroku followed. The coo from fem!Hulk was pretty unexpected, but then I realized that yeah, this? Mushy as hell.
As mushy as a mushball that had an affair with a fucking roasted marshmallow.
"What is this room?" Miroku asked, looking slightly alarmed. I couldn't really tell you why although I could only assume it had to do with the way Sango was petting the giant stuffed bear in the middle.
"It's a secret. Oh, you know, it was." I rolled my eyes. "It's a surprise for Kagome. I'm planning on making this a room for all of her photography." I waved my hand towards a bunch of paper wrapped squares and boxes. All of them contained either canvas paintings or some sort of artistic photography. I'm not really sure. The guy at the store said they were amazing. So. "I'm going to hang a lot of stuff up in here, leave some room for her own work. That room over there I'm making into a darkroom."
"But all of her work is digital," Sango said, raising a brow at me. "Don't you listen to her at all?"
I shrugged. "So I might have bought her another camera specifically for that purpose. Or three. I wasn't sure and the guy at the electronics store was less than stellar. And by that, I mean he was a fucking tool."
"Let me get this straight," Miroku exclaimed, taking a step back with a cautious eye towards his wife. "You came here to make sure the empty, still-in-the-midst-of-construction room was – what? – perfect? Are you insane?"
"Well this room isn't under construction," I argued, crossing my arms. "I made sure. And the drywall is up! They just have to paint the walls, stain the hardwood, set up the appliances–"
"WE HAVE A WEDDING TO GO TO!" Miroku yelled. "AND HEADS UP – IT'S YOURS! Sango, stop petting the teddy bear and focus!"
Sango grinned. "Wouldn't Ayane just love this?"
"She already has a million!" Miroku exclaimed, exasperated. "I swear, we cannot afford another damn teddy bear. They are already taking over our house. It's a goddamn conspiracy!"
Great. So not only am I getting married, but my best man is having a nervous breakdown, the maid of honour is seduced by the teddy bear that I bought for Kagome – thank you very much – and…well I'm not at said wedding. "You are going to make me late!"
"You are the one that left in the first place!" Miroku replied, narrowing his eyes at me. "You seriously aren't backing out? This is really about your insecurities as a husband–"
"I'm not insecure–"
"And not about the fact that you don't want to get married?"
Sango looked up then, her magenta eyes glaring at me. Clearly, the thought of killing me could break the teddy bear's spell.
"You're an idiot," I said, shaking my head. "First of all, who wouldn't want to get married to Kagome? Second of all, who wouldn't want to get married to me? Third of all, I do not have any insecurities regarding my ability to be a husband. I just…wanted to make sure she stayed happy."
"…With your money and riches," Sango pointed out. "Who are you marrying again?"
This… This is impossible. You know what? Can't a guy just want to look at a room without being a) shot at, b) yelled at or c) nearly killed for? Can't a guy want to double-check that the room he's praying his bride-to-be will like is still standing? Can't a guy, I don't know, make offhand thoughts about what maybe he should've done differently? Can't a guy possibly worry a little that maybe said bride-to-be won't like it and he'll be stuck with her not liking it forever?
And that would just add tension. Who needs tension? I don't. I certainly don't. Because no marriage needs tension in the beginning or else… Well, you're in the crapper. And I don't like the crapper, no sir-ee.
None of this would be happening if I hadn't thought up that damning thing on my To Do list:
#923: Build the bestest, most awesomest room ever so that no matter what, your future wife will love you. Because even when she's mad at you, she'll look at it and think Inuyasha is the best husband ever.
And what if this room is not the bestest most awesomest room ever? What if she doesn't like it? THAT DIRECTLY RUINS To Do #33!
#33: Spending forever loving her.
Because what if she hates it so much that there's fighting? And what if we fight so much that the loving dwindles and the hating starts? AND OH GOD, I'd have to explain it to Shippo and try not to get murdered in my sleep by Sota and- and- and-
"I think he's hyperventilating," Sango said, but wow, she sounds very far away. "We should get him back, you know, now."
"Well if you weren't having sex with the stupid bear–"
"Really? Continue Miroku and I will become a no-show for the coatroom. Is that what you want?"
And- and- and- and- I can't deal with this. OH GOD.
I shouldn't be getting married.
This is just not a good idea. The room isn't good and the- the- the loving will turn to hating and loathing and crying and sobbing and oh god- oh goody goody god I'm not cut out for this shit. What do I do? If I take the stolen vehicle again I could get away but Bang is with Kagome. Shit. My Great Dane is going to be pissed enough that I left him on his own for a few hours. If I actually left him he'd never forgive me.
Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.
Brain shutdown in three, two–
"Don't you dare!" Sango yelled but I couldn't see her face save for the GUN IN MY FACE. "I can tell what you're doing Inuyasha and I swear to god, not only will I feed your dick to you, but I will actually hack you into bits with my father's machete. And that hasn't had blood on it in years."
…I think I'm legitimately fearing for my life right now.
"Move it!" she urged, nudging me backwards until I was stumbling out of the house and onto the dirt-covered ground. The landscapers hadn't come yet. Damn the landscapers. "Inuyasha, do not become that kid that picks with the clovers or I will–"
"Sango, my love, my wife, I think he gets it."
So that is how I ended up back at my own wedding: with a gun to my head and a fem!Hulk happily trailing behind me the entire way up the aisle.
Sango nodded happily at the guests that were now all seated, waving at a few that she knew. She turned around to look at Inuyasha, who seemed a little overwhelmed but significantly better. He managed to find his fucking balls, which was a fucking relief. It only took her asking him repetitive questions over and over until it got stuck back into his mind that yes, he was awesome.
Does Kagome love you? Yes.
Do you love Kagome? Fuck yes.
Do you want to get married to her? …Well duh.
Do you think that a little thing like a room is going to be enough to make her hate you, considering the fact you, oh I don't know, ran out on her after having sex the first time and thusly lost your right to claim manliness? …No?
Good Inuyasha. Just keep thinking those happy thoughts.
Okay, so maybe it wasn't the best pep talk ever. Sango could deal. She wasn't being paid as a life coach, fuck you very much, so her boss could take what she graciously gave.
Now she had to find her daughter and make sure everything was going amazing with Kagome. It was just about time.
Sango knocked on the door where Kagome's bridal room was, smiling when Mrs. Higurashi opened it with teary eyes. "Is she ready?"
Kagome's mother nodded happily, opening the door wider so that the maid of honour could step inside. Sango couldn't help the grin that came to her face when she saw the bride, laughing when Kagome was huffing out breaths at her already lowered veil.
"You look stunning," Sango said softly, laughing when Kagome's brown eyes met hers. She looked a little nervous, truth be told, but if anyone deserved to get walked down the aisle, it was Kagome.
"Thanks," Kagome replied, smiling brilliantly. "Is everything okay? How's Inuyasha?"
"He's…good." Sango laughed. "He's already waiting for you."
Letting out a breath, Kagome took a second to look at herself one more time in the mirror. "Okay, I'm ready. Momma, can you get Dad?"
"Sure sweetie," Mrs. Higurashi murmured, turning to leave before Sango noticed something…missing.
"Uh, Mrs. Higurashi, where's my daughter?"
So here I am.
Standing with the priest and Miroku while I waited for Kagome.
"How much longer, do you think?" I asked, nudging Miroku gently and plastering a smile on my face. There were so many people and they were staring at me. Not only was it the Higurashi Clan of the Crazies, it was everyone that I knew and that she knew.
Kagome knew a lot of fucking people.
All of them, I would vouch, could pass as insane.
"What, for her to come down?" Miroku looked to the spot where Kagome was supposed to appear from. "I don't know, maybe five more minutes. Sango looked pretty gung-ho there for a bit."
"A little?" I scoffed, thinking that we were all just lucky Sango couldn't actually transform into the Hulk. Her temper? It was already near deathly proportions. Her body? Dear god we would all actually die.
"Are you excited young man?"
I turned around and eyed the priest, an old man with barely existent pepper-coloured hair and wrinkles so deep he could carry shit in them. His eyes were squinty, but they were laser focused on me and I couldn't look away. "Uh, yeah I am. I guess. Who isn't?"
"My name is Bokuseno," the priest said, completely ignoring my own question and starting to enter the territory of Extremely Awkward.
"It's nice to meet you," I replied, smiling a little nervously. My god, the old guy was grinning and he was just a tad bit scary.
Okay, so a lot of fucking scary.
"Don't look so nervous boy," Bokuseno went on. "Relax, enjoy! Feel the wind in your hair!"
I was about to say something along the lines of "what hair do you have?"but then I paused, taking a moment.
Totosai said that. Or something like that. I squinted at the old man, realizing with horror that he was squinting right back… Or maybe that's just how his eyes naturally looked. Whatever. "Did you know a man named Totosai? Uh, Totosai Yanami?"
The priest chuckled again, sounding a little bit like he was enjoying my squirming way too much. That too reminded me of the old guy. "No. I don't know of a Totosai. Should I?" He raised a brow at me, and I swear his wrinkles did a little jig with the movement.
"No, I guess not," I murmured, frowning at the priest. Who the hell was this old man?
"Inuyasha!" Miroku hissed and it was then I realized that the music had changed. I watched, trying to get a better look. I vaguely remembered the order of things from the rehearsal a few days ago but… What the hell?
"Oh my god, Ayane," Miroku muttered, sounding alarmed even though his voice was hushed.
There, riding on Bang's back with her hands tightly curled around the Great Dane's bow-tie collar, was their one year-old Ayane. And then there was Popcorn.
And oh god. WHO THE HELL PUT TUXES ON BOTH OF THE DOGS?
I had to stop myself from slapping my face when I saw that. Dear lord. Bang was going to maul me if I wasn't careful for letting this happen to him. It must have been Kagome though because Bang loves her enough to do it. Anyone else and he would've bitten their hand off.
Bang walked all the way up to me, letting go of the edge of the pillow that contained the rings. Luckily they were tied on with ribbon, but the fact that Bang was my very own ring bearer was, admittedly, pretty friggen awesome.
Can your dog be a ring bearer?
Yeah. That's what I thought.
Miroku made a move to pick up Ayane from the Great Dane's back, but instantly Bang growled, side stepping out of the way and carrying the little girl away. "He likes my daughter but hates me," Miroku muttered. "How the hell does that work?"
"Dude, he's a chick magnet," I replied, grinning at him.
Sango was now walking down the aisle, holding her bouquet of purple-tinted roses and a whole bunch of other crap I couldn't name to save my life. They were expensive. Apparently, they're necessary. That's all I can really say on the matter.
All of a sudden the music changed yet again and I looked ahead, seeing…
Brain shutdown in three, two, o–
Miroku painfully poked my side. Ouch. Okay.
But goddamn she was gorgeous.
Her hair was long and curled, her dress flowing around her like a princess (shut up, shut up, shut up!). Her brown eyes were intoxicating and, oh wow, her boobslooked huge.
Yes. I grinned. Even if it was the last thing I ever did, I will rip off that dress with my teeth and then taste every inch of that hot, smooth– My hand was abruptly taken and I blinked as Kagome's father smiled at me.
"Treat her right," he whispered, kissing Kagome's cheek next and then lifting the veil over her head.
All I could do was look at her. She was amazing, beautiful, stunning, mind blowing. We were so going to get out of that damn reception as fast as we could. No matter what, I would have my time. If Kagome wouldn't leave early, then we would go for a little "break" that consisted of me and her and the tiny bridal suite where we would be suitably rumpled.
"…forever and ever?"
I blinked, looking at Bokuseno who was pointedly squinting at me with his tiny little eyes. Kagome's hands tightened on mine and she smiled, looking like she was about to laugh. What were we doing? Where the hell were we in this long ceremony?
"…And ever…" Bokuseno prompted yet again.
OH! How the hell did we get there so fast? Did I seriously just zone out for the entire ceremony? "I do," I replied quickly, smiling at Kagome. Oh I must certainly do.
Pretty soon Kagome murmured her "I do" and after more spiels of crap and stupidity from the priest, the old man grinned. "I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."
Thank god. Pulling her forward, I crushed my lips on hers. It was the same as it always was, the feel of heat and passion. But this… This was something all on it's own.
Oh my fucking god I was married.
I pulled away, grinning what was probably like a loon and insane enough to make me blend in with the rest of her crazy family. Kagome laughed, shaking her head and about to turn when I grabbed her again and kissed her. Married. Who knew?
Ignoring the wolf whistles and cries from the guests, I took in every moment of this, of us.
She pulled back eventually, shaking her head. "You are unbelievable."
Taking her hand in mine, I started to walk down the aisle. "Yeah, I've been told."
And yes, maybe I looked a little bit like a kid on Christmas. It's possible but if you told anyone I would surely deny it.
…Okay. Maybe not.
Bokuseno whistled a little tune, heading towards the parking lot. The groom was a real nutcase, but he guessed that sometimes people are just happy to be nutcases together when married. Who did he ask about again? Tot- Totosai? Something like that.
"Ow!" Bokuseno winced as he rubbed the top of his head, looking at the offensive stick that whacked him. He turned around, but the only people were guests of the wedding, and none of them seemed to even notice his presence. There wasn't even a tree around here! The garden was all the way over there! "Stupid wind," he mumbled under his breath.
Walking the last few feet, he stopped when something was…different. Wrong. He stared at the open space of pavement, tilting his head left and then right, just to make sure.
Nope. Still not there.
Bokuseno frowned. "Where the hell is my car?"
This is OFFICIALLY the end of the Happiness!Verse. Obviously I have the right to return to this verse but I have a feeling this story is told and finished with. My muse is sated.
I hope you enjoyed this entire ride. I sure did.
Do you want a copy of this PDF for keeps? It will be posted shortly! However, Happiness and The Big Bang Theory now have posted PDFs! Available on my profile through the download link.
Feedback is love :)