Chapter 1 - Memories
Ziva hadn't had one of the best upbringings, it wasn't the worst but it wasn't a good one. Her dad was a bully who always beat up her mum. It was not just physical, the mental side to the abuse was possibly the most effective and the most disturbing. Although her dad would not lay a finger on Ziva and her siblings, he used the words as a weapon to hurt them. She was always being called ugly and worthless by her farther, and most of the time he called her fat. She had never been "fat" in fact her body had always been perfect, her dad used mind games to make her think that she was fat but Ziva just brushed it off knowing that she wasn't.
It was only now, the death of her farther brought it all back to her.
Ziva sat all alone in her apartment, everyone had left about an hour ago. They had all came to see how she was after the funeral of Mr David. Tony had brought her over a few movies to watch, mostly comedies to try and make her feel better, Abby gave her a big hug and a kiss to try and comfort her. Gibbs was never the affectionate one but he loved Ziva like she was his own and was not afraid to show it. He had pulled her off the sofa and wrapped his arms tight around her. She so badly wanted to cry into his shoulder but held back from doing so, he softly kissed the side of her head and whispered in her ear, "I love you." Gibbs has always been like a farther to her and to hear them words come from him made her heart ache, it should be her biological dad saying that to her but it wasn't. She hadn't seen him since the day he beat her mum up and she called the police for the first time in eighteen years of abuse and now he was dead and buried.
As she sat on the sofa with a blanket that McGee tucked around her, she started to think back to her time with her dad.
Ziva sat up in bed, the sound of shouting had woke her up, she looked over a Tali to make sure she was ok, there was no surprise that she was also wide awake and staring at the door. They were used to being woken up in the middle of the night to the sound of their farther shouting horrid and vile words to their mother.
"You're just a fucking slut, why don't you just fuck off."
Ziva winced at the words and the sound of a slap filled the now quite house. Ziva quickly looked over at Tali and saw that she was shaking under her covers. Ziva slowly climbed out of bed and got into Tali's. She wrapped her arms around her and Tali snuggled into her side, Tali took her head out from under her blanket knowing that Ziva was going to keep her safe She looked up into Ziva's eyes and a small tear had worked its way down Ziva's face. Tali took her hand and wiped her face so that the wetness was now gone.
"Don't cry Ziva, mummy will be fine, I know it."
It did not take long for Ari to open the door to their room. He rubbed his eyes softly and walked into the girl's bedroom. Ziva pulled the covers up and pushed Tali over a little to allow room for him to slide in next to her. Once they were all in, Ari had tight hold of Ziva's hand while Ziva held Tali. They slowly closed their eyes, only leaving Ziva wide awake listening to the argument going on under them. Her eyes started to droop, she had school tomorrow and really needed to get some sleep. As her eyes closed she was startled awake by the sound of shattering glass and screams that sounded like her mothers. She jumped out of the covers and over Ari to the door. She turned to them before leaving the room and told them to stay there, they had also been awoken by the noise.
Ziva walked slowly to the edge of the stair case. She lay on her tummy so that she could lower her head and look down in too the living room. Ziva gasped at the site, her mother was sitting on the floor, her legs were tucked up to her chest with her arms holding them tightly. She took in the view and looked around, all that she could see was shattered glass and some liquid that must have been inside the cup that was now in a thousand of tiny shattered pieces all around the living room. Her dad was no were in site, he must have made his way into the kitchen to get another alcoholic drink, he was already drunk, but that never stopped him wanting or needing more.
Ziva had a choice, ether she go down and comfort her now sobbing mother, or phone her Nan again. Every time things got violent her mother asked her to ring her Nan to come down. Ziva could tell that she was tiered of travelling down in the middle of the night to sort her son out. In fact Ziva could tell that her Nan really did not give a shit, she was always making excuses up for him, saying that it was just the drink that made him that way, that made him a monster. Yes, it was her son and no one wants to admit that they have brought up an evil man but she should be more worried about her daughter in law and her three grandkids. She was a woman of pride, if her friends or anyone found out about everything that went on then she would be embarrassed. Ziva realised at an early age that she cared more about people thought then how much pain her family was going thru. Ziva made her mind up and decided to stay at the top of the stairs and watch to make sure her mother was ok. She made up scenarios in her head, if her dad was to hit her she would run down and stop him even though she was only small, or she would ring the police. If she was to go down to see her and make sure she was ok, it will only make her mother worse. She tried so so hard to keep all this violence and terror away from her children but she never succeeded. It was much easier to hide it when they were babies but they were grown up now and knew that this was not right.
An hour passed when she started to fall asleep, he eyes were heavy from the lack of sleep and the fact that she had been silently crying, she hated what her dad was doing and she hated her mum crying. Ziva was startled by a hand shaking her and whispering her name.
"Ziva, go to bed I will sit here for an hour and then I will have some sleep."
Ari was a typical big brother, always looking out for his baby sisters. Ziva nodded and took one last look down to make sure her mother was ok. She left Ari sitting in the same place as she was seconds ago and crawled back into bed with Tali. An hour had gone by and she was again awoken by Ari.
Ziva nodded knowing what he meant and she got out of bed, Ari taking her place in the bed next to a sleeping Tali.
From that day on, it was like a routine to them. If there dad was to start again during the night, they would wake up and snuggle in bed for a while just to settle Tali. Once she was back asleep, Ari would go and keep watch on their mother for an hour and then Ziva would have her turn. Ziva's mother only ever noticed this a couple of times and would beg whoever was on watch to go back to sleep. They would nod and walk to their bedroom. Once they knew she was back in the living room they would slowly crawl back to the edge of the stairs and keep watch. At first it was just Ziva and Ari but as Tali got older she wanted to help, plus it meant that it was two hours before a person had to swop.
A tear slowly rolled down her face and landed on her now shaking hand. She did not know if she was angry or sad, all these emotions that she had kept inside for all these years were coming to a peek. Her heart shank as she remember how troubled her past was, how much she had to watch and how much her mind was fucked because of it. She was only a child, she should have had to think that it was her job to look after her mum, she should have been able to have a full night's sleep without worrying about her dad hitting her mum.
Ziva stood up but then collapsed back to the floor, her chest tighten and her breathing started to get heavier. As she reached for the phone her head started to spin, it felt like the walls were closing in on her, he breathing started to become much much heaver and she started to panic. As her hands shacked she managed to type in the number of the one person she needed right now to comfort her and to help.
"Tony? I...I... need you." Ziva struggled for air as she spoke, it was getting worse and she dint know what to do.
"Ziva?" Are you ok?"
"I need you!" she did not mean to shout at him but she really did need him, she was struggling for air and shaking like never before.
"Okay I'm on my way, take some deep breaths Ziva. Stay on the phone to me." Tony could tell that she was having a panic attack, her breathing was abnormal and he was used to hearing a person having one, he used to have them as a child, they would come out of no were. He kept talking to her trying to calm her down while he was speeding to her apartment. Now and again he would ask her how she was and she wouldn't answer, he would just hear her wheezing down the phone.
"Ziva? Sweet heart, answer me. Please Ziva do not do this to me." He started to panic as he turned into her drive, even though he could hear her breath he wanted her to talk. He quickly found himself running out of the car and pulling out his spear key to her house. As he opened the door he barged into the living room looking around for her, he still had the phone tightly pressed to his ear.
"Ziva?" He could hear her whimpers coming from behind the sofa. Tony quickly found himself staring down over the sofa at a curled up Ziva, struggling for breath. He threw his phone onto the sofa and went around to try and hold her in his arms. She was holding on tightly to the phone as her head was on her knees. Her breathing had calmed down a little but her shaking had only gotten worse. Tony sat down on the floor opposite her and pulled her phone out of her hand and threw it with his. Ziva kept her fore head placed on her lifted knees.
"Ziva, honey look at me please." Tony's eyes burned into the top of Ziva's head, he watched her intensely hoping that she will look at him so that he knows that she was ok, he wanted to see them brown eyes that always talked to them even if Ziva never wanted them too, he wanted to see Ziva.
Ziva's head felt heavy, she could hear his voice that soothed her and made her feel the tinniest bit better, she heard him plead to her, wanting her to look at him but she couldn't, her head was spinning and she felt ashamed. It was not like her to act and react like this, her body had always kept things wrapped up away from people to see, it was a temple full of secrets, pain and a life time full of hurt. She didn't want to look at the man who saw her as a "Ninja", she dint want him seeing her week. The pain in her heart got stronger as she heard him plead and plead with her, she so wanted to give him what he wanted but her body wouldn't let her. It was like her body was the boss of her, like after all these years of keeping things hidden inside her is making her body disobey her, punish her for making it suffer for all those years. Her eyes started to sting as years worth of tears were trying to push their way out, she could only hold them in for so long before they had to come out sooner or later.
She couldn't hold it in anymore, a small whine escaped threw her lips. Along followed the tears, her body shook as she moaned and sobbed. In one moment, all of her work of hiding the truth had been lost.
Tony saw her whole body shake, even if he had his eyes closed it wouldn't have took a genius to know that she was crying. The whole room was filled with the womanly sobs, whimpers and moans. Tony really dint know how to approach this situation, it was not like Ziva at all to be like this, he had never had to deal with women who were crying because he never got that close to anyone to have to deal with it or comfort them, he would take them out and have sex with them, never serious.
All though this was un known territory for him, the protective side to him and loving side to him seemed to take over and know exactly what he need to do and what she needed him to do. Tony ran his hands threw her hair, slowly stroking her thick curly locks to comfort her. The sudden touch did not seem to bother Ziva, instead she feet slightly soothed by the moving hands threw her hair.
"Shhh Ziva, it's okay, I am here now. Shhh." Tony whispered into her ear. He had moved his body closer to her and placed his legs on either side of her so that he could get closer to her shaking form. As he tried to sooth her, Ziva's body finally gave in and let her lift her head from her knees to look at the man who was worried and cared about her. When Tony finally got to see her face he flinched at how pale she looked, like she was sick. Her face was soaking wet from all the tears and her eyes were bloodshot and droopy. Tony kept running his hand threw her hair as he looked deep into her eyes. Tony knew Ziva was sad and ready to bawl again because she had a tiny dimple on her chin that only seemed to be there when she was crying, he had only seen it about three times.
"Everything is going to be okay, I promise." Tony's voice was low and calming to her ears, his hands stopped touching her heir and he slowly placed a kiss to her forehead. Her eyes close as she felt his warm and soft lips contact her cold skin, she kept her eyes shut as she felt him kiss her cheek then her sore eye lids then her chin. Tony was a loving man who would do anything for Ziva, even risk his life for her, which he has done plenty of times. He wasn't afraid of showing his emotions for her, hell that's all he wanted to do. He was scared of her not reacting well to him touching her in a way that only close friends who love each other do. There were always times when he wanted badly to grab her and hold her when she was sad, he wanted to be there to help when she was having problems, even if it meant him listening to her cry about boyfriends who have betrayed her but she never let him in.
Now was different, she had rang him first, she had chosen him out of everyone to come and help her, she was the one who said she needed him.
Once he had kissed her chin where the crying dimple had appeared before, Ziva opened her eyes. They were soft and thanking as tony placed his arm around her waist to pull her to him. Without saying a word or hesitation, Tony pulled Ziva with one of his arms. Once Ziva chest was pressed against his, Ziva's arms found their way around his neck, she held onto him tightly not wanting to let go of him. Tony's other hand was now running up and down her back slowly. The crying had seemed to start again as Tony could feel his shirt getting wet. Ziva's legs were wrapped tightly around his waist as she was now straddling him.
A couple of minutes later, no sound could have been heard throughout Ziva's house. It was a comfortable silence as Ziva lay on Tony behind her sofa. Tony had felt her go limp a couple of minutes ago, he felt her warm breath on his neck and felt her calm heart beat against his chest. His hand was firmly gripping her waist so that she wouldn't slip of his body and fall to the floor, her hands which were wrapped tightly around his neck were now drooping over his shoulders. Ziva had fallen asleep to the feel of Tony's warm hands moving up and down her back, soothing and calming her heart and breathing. Once she was sure her tears had dried up she moved her face to Tony's neck, her nose was over whelmed by his scent, it was a mix of Tony and Isimiaki, she could happily smell the scent for the rest of her life. The tip of her nose touched his neck as she took in deep breaths, breathing in is scent and breathing out her warm breath on his neck. Before she knew it she was dreaming, feeling safe in Tony's arms.
Although Tony did not mind sitting there forever in that way with Ziva, he wanted her to have whatever she wanted and if that meant sitting there and holding her then he would do it but there is only so much a man can take, he was really uncomfortable sitting on the hard wooden floor. Ziva was a small woman so it wasn't much effort lifting her up while he got up on his feet. Even though she was asleep her legs seemed to tighten around his waist even more. Tony had been in her house many of times so he knew his way around. He slowly and carefully walked her up the stairs and into her bedroom. He walked over to her bed and pulled the covers back with Ziva still in his arms. Once he pulled the covers all the way back he lowered the sleeping women onto the soft matrices. Her head sunk into the pillow and her body made a little dip in the matrices. He took his arm out from under her and his other was captured with hers, she grasped his arm tightly and cuddled herself into it. A smile appeared on her face which made the mental image in his head of her before completely disappear. This was the Ziva he knew.
Tony did not bother to try and claim his arm back from her, instead he carefully climbed over her sleeping body and lay on the other side. She kept a firm hold of his arm as his other played with her hair, stroking it like he had before. It was still the middle of the day so Tony was not in the least bit tired, he watched her sleep, he watched her chest move up and down matching the hum of her heart. She was content and calm, this made Tony happy, he never wanted to see her that way before, and it scared the shit out of him.
I do not know whether to carry this on or not. I do know what I am going to go into if I do so its up to you guys to tell me your thoughts and if you want it to carry on. Please review.