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"A Hard Day's Night" Chapter 30

Parenting is the process of promoting and supporting the physical, emotional, social, and intellectual development of a child from infancy to adulthood. Parenting refers to the activity of raising a child rather than the biological relationship.

As parents we try, we try to do the right thing, with always the best interests at heart, hoping for the best outcome, hoping that what we do is right. This is what I have been worrying about. I worry if Bella and I are doing the right things, all the time. Do we hold Phil too much? Do we not let him cry enough? We're always here, always one of us, and I wonder if it will turn my son into a Momma's boy. Because let's face it, we're born alone and will die alone. It's morbid but true. My only hope is that he doesn't grow up with mental stability issues.

I shouldn't really worry about this now. He's just a baby, right?

Newborn parenting, up to one month of age, is where the responsibilities of parenthood begin. A newborn's basic needs are food, sleep, comfort and cleaning, which the parent provides. An infant's only form of communication is crying, and attentive parents will begin to recognize different types of crying, which represent different needs such as hunger, discomfort, boredom, or loneliness.

Newborns and young infants require feedings every few hours, which is disruptive to adult sleep cycles. They respond enthusiastically to soft stroking, cuddling and caressing—I mean Phil, not Bella.

Gentle rocking back and forth often calms a crying infant, as do massages and warm baths.

I knew that cry. Phil is hungry. Yup, that's his problem at two a.m.

Okay, so she fed him four hours ago, and it's my turn. But tomorrow is my first day off all week. They don't give us Daddies six weeks, like they do Momma Bear. They gave me three weeks.

And Renee will be here at seven, I think. She usually shows up just before I leave or after. With my day off, I wonder if she shows up at all. Shit, I hope she does.

Three weeks ago, Renee relocated to New York City, where she has found her own apartment. She helps Bella during the day, and when it's time for Bella to come back, Renee plans on staying with Phil. She stayed with us for a week. It was one hell of a week, and she was very helpful, but the woman couldn't wait to get her own place and settled on one of the first apartments she saw.

Bella begged her mother to just live with us. I agreed too, since Renee is a pleasure. She doesn't get into our business, like I imagine Charlie would.

Renee was adamant about getting a small studio apartment. She likes her privacy.

It worked out great because Charlie actually took a leave of absence and plans to come to New York, as well.

I was flabbergasted. Sure, the relationship with my father has improved greatly, but I can't fathom him taking time off to help me so much.

Renee and Charlie would do anything for their only daughter—that much was apparent. They want Phil looked after by family while he's so young, and for Bella to finish her residency without missing a beat.

I heard Bella say that she doesn't want to come back to the hospital. She'd rather stay home with Phil. It's her decision, but I think she'll come back on time.

Phil's in capable hands at the moment.

And in three years, I hope my Philip is a little genius who can start school early. So, we really lucked out with childcare.

I winced, stiffening myself, as Phil's cries became louder. I'm just so tired. Can't Bella sympathize with that? Why is she pretending to be asleep?

I'll never find out, because I'm hoping she doesn't realize that I am awake.

Bella let out a frustrated groan as she ran out of the bedroom.

It makes sense that she should wake up to feed him. I mean, she has his meal attached to her body. My son sees more of Bella's breasts than I do, but it's all good. The kid's gotta eat, right?

Okay, so there's pre-made bottles in the fridge. So what? Let the kid get some nipple action and let Daddy sleep.

Yes, as soon as Bella entered his bedroom, he quieted down. I was able to hear Bella soothing him softly and his cries turn into soft whimpers through the baby monitor.

"Daddy is an asshole." Yeah, she knows I can hear her. "But lucky for him, I love his lazy ass." That made me smile. "Daddy doesn't realize that Grandma is only here to keep me company and make sure I don't inadvertently kill you."

I snorted.

"Daddy works, but so does Mommy, and as your mommy, I'm awake with you all the time, and I can't nap when you nap, because that is when I do other things, like shower and do laundry. Daddy needs to know that Mommy gets no sleep and after he's done out there, saving the world from hernias and cholecystitis, he gets to come home and sleep. Not Mommy-"

I actually pouted at the baby monitor. I guess Bella is right, and she's also got this Mother's guilt thing down, only it's more like Daddy guilt.

When I walked into Phil's bedroom, I watched as Bella continued to talk to him and change his diaper. I was also highly impressed as I watched Bella duck out of the way from the stream of urine that flew from my son.

She just knows. How she knows when he's about to do that, I have no idea, 'cause the kid gets me all the time.

And surprisingly, it doesn't bother me at all. He's my son. He came out of Bella, and basically from me, too. Why should I freak out if he gets piss in my mouth? Bella freaked the fuck out. Well, he did get her in the eye one time. I'm sure that stung to some degree. Now, she just knows.

"Daddy thinks he's so slick watching us from the doorway."

I walked into the room. "Can I help with anything?" I smiled.

She didn't even turn to look at me. "He did a big one."

Now that I was closer, I was able to smell it. Yup, my son took a shit.

"I'll do this, uh, and feed him after?" I asked, just to make sure. Then I watched as Bella turned him over.

Jesus, he had shit going all the way up his back.

"No, I'll manage. You should go get some sleep."

I nodded and kissed her hair. "Okay, love you."

"Love you, too," she mumbled out and kept wiping him down.

I was just steps away from escape when Bella shouted, "Edward!"

I rapidly turned to her. "What's up?" I raised my eyebrows in an attempt to be nonchalant.

"You're just going to walk away?" she asked.

I shook my head and put my hands out. "You said you'd manage-"

"Well, I didn't think you would walk away."

"Did you expect me to fight you for him?" I chuckled.

"No." She pouted. "I expected you to want to help me. Not just walk away." She turned back to Phil. "I know you're off tomorrow."

I walked over to her to embrace her from behind. "You're right." I tossed her hair away from her neck, kissing just below her ear. "I'll finish, you go sleep."

She turned to me, one hand still on Phil. "Really?" she asked.

I nodded. "Yes, I'll finish up and then I'll feed him-"

Her face crumpled and she sobbed into her hands. Oh God, not the tears. I thought after the baby was born this would stop, but as per Carmen, it can take months after birth for the hormones to go back to normal.

"Bella-" I soothed and hugged her tightly. "Why are you crying?"

"I'm just—I'm just so tired." She sniffled. "And I'm just," she hiccupped, "so happy."

I nodded and kissed her forehead, not sure how to respond. "Go to sleep," I said.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure." I gave her ass a little squeeze.

"Okay." She smiled and wiped her eyes. "Is your dad still coming by tomorrow?" she asked.

"Yeah, we were supposed to go out to breakfast, and then he has some running around to do."

"Oh," she said simply, a crease forming between her brows.

"What's up with tomorrow?" I asked.

"Alice and Rose," she shrugged, "they wanted to take me out, go to breakfast, and do some shopping. None of my old clothes fit, and Alice thinks it's terrible that I'm still wearing my maternity clothes, which is total bullshit. All I really wear is your pajamas, because I never go anywhere, I never leave the house…I never see anyone..." She rambled away.

"You can still do that. Your mother is still coming by, right?" I couldn't even cross my fingers, because she could see.

"No." She shook her head. "She's taking the day off, but don't worry about me and our son. I'm sure we'll have a nice day together," she sighed, right as she left our embrace. She walked out of the room with her shoulders slumped and that broke my heart.

"Bella-" I paused, feeling shitty, "you go out with the girls and I'll-" I turned to look at Phil, who was calm—diaper-less, but calm. "I'll stay home."

"Really?" This time, she was smiling widely.

"Yes, really." I smirked. "You go out, have a good time with Alice and Rose, we'll be fine."

She walked toward me with a smirk on her own lips. "I love you." She trailed her hands up my chest, up my neck, weaving her fingers into my hair. I leaned my head down to hers, hopeful. She closed the distance, not with a chaste kiss, but a fucking lip lock, which turned my dick into stone. My Medusa was back.

I growled, deepening the kiss, and holding her more tightly to me.

"Edward," she sighed, as I trailed kisses down her neck. "Stop."

I did, my chest still heaving in excitement.

"You're making the cootch ache," she giggled.

"I can make it feel a whole lot better," I promised and placed another kiss on her lips, this one was short.

"Not yet. We're supposed to wait, remember?"

I rolled my eyes. "Only until you feel better. Come on, six weeks? I'm sure it's back to normal." And I turned into a pouty infant myself, afraid I might cry. The most exciting thing—sexually exciting thing that has happened since my son was born—is watching Bella use the breast pump, wishing it was my own mouth. Meanwhile, there's nothing sexy about it. It's not sexual at all. Maybe I'm just a sick freak.

"I'm still all belly." She placed her hand on her abdomen, making a face of disgust.

"You're beautiful." I kissed her forehead. "And it's already been a month." Bella's uterus may still be slightly enlarged, as is the rest of her, but it takes time for the body to go back to normal. And she still looks beautiful. And I'd love nothing more than to see her naked, fuck her, pump her breasts with my mouth, and possibly, just possibly, get a blowjob.

"I just don't feel sexy. My nipples hurt, and I'm tired all the fucking time." She stopped talking and looked behind me. "He's going to pee again, you better put a diaper on him."

I rapidly turned, and while I turned, Bella ran out of the room, snickering.

I didn't put the diaper on him. I waited, like an ass. If he was going to pee again, why waste a diaper? I left him strapped to the changing table, wearing nothing and went to grab his bottle. He didn't like that one bit and started crying as soon as I left the room. I ran back and grabbed him, bare-assed and all.

Yup. He pissed on me, but we didn't waste a diaper.

Phil happily drank his bottle after I changed him and, after a very healthy, manly burp, I put him back down. He went to sleep.

And after I tossed my t-shirt into the hamper, I did the same.


I was sure that I was having a dream, or possibly someone broke into the apartment and is taking pity on me. No, thieves don't usually give blowjobs, as I am sure that it what is happening.

This glorious feeling.

I groaned and opened one eye. Nope, it's not a dream. It's really happening, and I was scared that a burglar was sucking my cock.

Now, the normal response would be for me to stop this, to stop this from happening, but it just felt too good. So, I cautiously pulled the sheet away from this blowjob giver to take a peek at my assailant.

Bella took my dick out of her mouth, making it pop, and I shuddered.

"Good morning," she giggled.

I sighed, feeling like the luckiest sonofabitch on the planet.

"Yes, it is a good morning." I panted out.

"I feel great, getting some sleep."

"Stop talking." I slumped back.

"Okay." And so she went back to pleasuring me. I sat up a bit to watch her. The sight was just magnificent.

What would I get if she slept the whole night? Would I get pussy? If I changed more shitty diapers and fed Phil a little more, would Bella have more energy for me?

It's possible.

Right then and there, as my wife took me deeper into her mouth, I, Edward Cullen, made a vow. I will help out as much as possible. I will be Bella's whore, not she mine, but I would do anything in return for sexual favors.

A shiver ran down my spine, and I felt close. I also wanted to push my luck, so I pushed her away from me.

"Can I have you?" I asked, grasping her chin, making her lay against my body, placing my lips against hers. "Please," I pleaded.

She bit her lip and looked deep in thought.

I sucked my teeth. "Stop thinking about it and just do it."

She narrowed her eyes at me and leaned away from me with a huff. "Fine." She tore off her pants. "But you better put on a condom and pull out, just in case. If I get pregnant again, I'll castrate you."

I nodded, smiling widely. I could live with that.

Bella leaned over, taking a condom out of the nightstand, and slapped it into my chest.

"Why so rough?" I rubbed my chest.

She shrugged and crawled up my form. I could live with that too.

I smiled, watching her, as I rapidly put the condom on.

She straddled my lap, aligning herself with me, without so much as a kiss.

"Bella," I whispered, placing my hands on her cheeks, wanting a little foreplay.

"Rose and Alice will be here soon—Oh!"

"Fuck." I hissed, as she slid down upon me.

"I forgot how good you feel." She moaned out, hugging my head close to hers.

I nodded against her, letting my hands roam up and down her back, up to her hair. I pulled her hair, exposing her neck, as she picked up a rhythm. I placed my hands on her hips, moving her faster and harder onto me. I had forgotten how good she feels too. For the first time in what seemed like forever, I was home, nestled in Cootchieville.

Fuck Disneyland. This is the most magical place on earth.

I wanted the whole picture. I wanted that t-shirt she was wearing to disappear. I reached down and started to take it off of her, when she stilled my hands.

"What's wrong?" I panted out.

"Nothing." She huffed.

"Take it off," I said, muffled by her neck. I felt her shake her head no. "Why?" I asked.

"Because-" she bucked her hips harder, making me groan, "then you'll play with my breasts." I didn't have it in me to shrug, because my hands were busy, pounding her on and off my cock. "Then they'll leak and then that's gross-"

I growled a response, coming close to my climax, which I fought against. "Please-" I pleaded.

"Shut up!" She smacked my chest.

"Okay, fine." I could also live with that too, I guess. I placed my hand at the small of her back, lifting her off of me and laying her down. Pinning her, I was still between her legs as I continued to pump in and out of her roughly.

My lips never left her neck and I snaked my hand between us, wanting to massage her clit. She shuddered as I did so, clawing at my back and tightening her hold around my waist with her legs—all of which sent me over the edge.

With a newfound, whatever, I took deeper strokes, made louder groans, and went a little slower, enjoying the feel of her against me.

I enjoyed the sounds coming out of her mouth too, which were getting louder. Bella started to writhe under me, chanting my name in a whisper. She stiffened, her own orgasm taking over.

I cried out in ecstasy, not from my own climax, but from acute pain, and complete pleasure.

During Bella's orgasm, she bit down on my shoulder hard and tightened herself around my cock. She let out soft sighs and kissed the spot where she bit before she pushed me off of her.

"What?" I asked again, this time with a bit of an attitude. I was thoroughly enjoying myself.

"I have to shower and you have to finish." She pushed me so that I was sitting up, and before I could fully comprehend what was happening, she sat on my dick again.

The woman literally started to jump up and down on my cock, trying to make me come. She was on a mission, and I was determined to make it that much more difficult. She just looked so fucking hot and felt so fucking good. I never wanted this to end, never.

I closed my eyes tightly and tried to fight off my orgasm again.

"I know what you're doing." Bella panted out.

I opened my eyes and covered my mouth with my hand in order not to scream.

"You like it when I fuck you, Edward?" She started moving her hips faster. "You like it when I ride your big fat cock?"

I whimpered, the fire building in the pit of my stomach, but I was determined. Dirty talking Bella will not slay the beast.

She put her hand between us, rubbing her own clit, before she shoved her fingers into my mouth. I sucked them greedily and a tear streamed down my cheek.

"How's—my—pussy—taste?" She fucked me harder with every word she said.

I didn't answer her and placed my hands back to her hips.

She grabbed a handful of my hair. "I—asked—you—a—question?" She pulled my hair roughly.

"AMAZING!" I screamed out.

"You—like—the—way—I—" She never finished her thought and I felt her tighten around me once again, milking my cock and pushing it in and out of her. She stiffened, letting go of my hair, pulling her own, taking me deeper within her.

I whimpered again and thought myself a fool, but glad I held out to see the sight before me. She lost herself on top of me. Her face contorted in pleasure, a sheen of sweat glistened on her forehead, her hair was a complete fucking mess, and she was absolutely breathtaking.

And then I came to my own grand finale. I let out a grunt and came deep within her, pushing her down onto me harder.

She groaned a response. "That kind of hurt."

"Sorry." My chest was heaving and all I wanted was to cuddle for a bit, eat something, and maybe go back to sleep. But none of that was going to happen. Bella was leaving.

She bit her lip, her own chest heaving, as she gazed down at me. "That was awesome."

I nodded, agreeing with her.

"Love you," she said quickly, giving me a peck on the cheek before she hopped off of me.

"Love you, too," I said, watching her run out of the bedroom.

I decided not to avoid the inevitable and got out of bed, sadly, putting my clothes back on.

On my way to the kitchen, sure that Bella had already made coffee, I saw Phil. He was sitting happily in his bouncy chair, watching cartoons. He's just so cute and I love him so much. I wanted nothing more than to take him out of the chair and watch cartoons with him.

But I'm no fool.

He's quiet.

I'm not touching him.

After I made myself a cup of coffee, I heard the shower running. So, instead of sneaking in to watch the missus shower like some pervert, I sat down on the floor with Phil and watched the Mickey Mouse Club House.

"Mommy just slayed the beast," I told him.

He didn't respond.

"She rode my dick like it was a carnival ride," I said, sounding giddy, and tickling his cheek.

He smirked at me.

"You know exactly what I am talking about." I nodded and gave his little hand a fist pound. He grasped onto my finger and wouldn't let it go. So, we just sat there, his hand holding my finger, while I tried to drink my coffee and watch the cartoon.

After ten minutes, I found Mickey's voice to be quite annoying, but it's not as bad as Elmo's. Or the songs from that show, some show called Wonder Pets? I think.

Just the other day, I was repairing a bowel obstruction and started singing, "Wonder pets, wonder pets, we're on our way..." or however it goes.

Yeah, that gained a few curious glances. But I had to admit that it wasn't as bad as Jasper singing the Dora backpack song. He did it happily and did a little shimmy with his hips. I thought he was nuts. That being a father and being forced to watch cartoons just might have pushed him over the edge, but now I get it.

A flash from a camera caught my attention. I turned to Bella, the moment catcher, and smiled. She was dressed, in sweats, but in real clothes, and had a little makeup on. She looked put-together and gorgeous, as always.

"I'm sorry; you two just looked so freaking cute sitting there."

"It's fine." I smiled and looked to the cable box for the time. "What time are you meeting the girls?" I asked.

She composed her smile. "I don't know if I should go." She frowned.

Yes! I internally hissed, but she has been cooped up in this apartment, except for Phil's and her own doctor's appointments. She should go.

"Why?" I asked.

She looked to Phil and didn't say any more.

I chuckled. "We're going to be fine."

"It's not that," she sighed.

"Then, what is it?" I asked.

"Will I be fine?" she asked and sat in front of Phil's chair. "Maybe I should wait." She pushed his hair back.

"That's ridiculous," I said. "You're going shopping, not to Peru."

"Peru?" she asked.

"Random-" I pointed to my temple. "You'll be back in a few hours. He will be fine, and so will you." I poked her side. "What happened to all that enthusiasm?" I asked.

"I don't know," she whispered. "What if something happens to me?"

"Bella," I placed my coffee down and took her hand in mine, "is this really about missing Phil, or are you-" I didn't know how to finish that sentence. The day my son was born also happened to be the day my wife was robbed at gunpoint.

Truth be told, she hasn't left the house without me since.

"Would you feel better if we all went?" I asked. "I can be dressed in ten minutes, and if the girls don't like it," I shrugged, "too bad."

"No!" she shouted. "We'll be out in the streets, busy streets—it's not like when we go to the doctor's, cabs to each door."

"Even so, we'd be fine," I said.

She shook her head no, only to let out a loud shriek of a scream when someone knocked on the door. Bella's scream had startled Phil and he, too, started to wail. I wasn't sure what to do, comfort Bella, or comfort Phil.

"Bella, it's just the door," I told her as I started take Phil out of his chair.

She swallowed and nodded, grabbing for Phil. She took him from me to hold him close. "Mommy is so sorry." And she started to cry again.

I sighed and got to my feet to answer the door.

It was Rosalie and Alice. I didn't greet them with a response, and I just opened the door wider.

"Geez, Cullen. You look like shit. Phil keeping you up at night?" Rosalie, of course.

"Morning to you, too, Hale." I raised an eyebrow.

"We're not at the hospital today. You don't intimidate me." She lifted her chin and walked around me.

"Hi!" Alice greeted and pushed a pastry box into my chest. "Scones."

I nodded, as she, too, walked around me.

I put the box in the kitchen and joined the group of women and my son. I must have walked in in the middle of a talk down session.

"Bella, give Edward the baby," Alice said.

Bella shook her head no and hugged Phil tightly.

"This is stupid-" Rosalie reached out for Phil, taking him from Bella, only to turn and thrust him into my arms. "Now, let's go." She grabbed Bella's hand.

Bella blew out a breath and tried to lean toward me. She kissed the air near me, instead of me, as they pushed her out of the apartment.

Alice grabbed Bella's purse, pushing her and Rosalie out first.

"I love you!" I shouted after her.

She never responded, because the door slammed shut behind them.

Then it was only Phil and me.

I looked down to him, as he curiously looked up to me with his green eyes and cute button nose. I kissed that nose.

"Hi," I whispered softly.

His little face crumpled and he started to scream, showing me his gums. I gently rocked him, wondering what I did wrong and hoping that he would calm down. It was still early. He was fed before the beast was slayed, which was only a little more than forty minutes ago, and he didn't smell off.

Phil continued to cry, and I started to walk him around the apartment. He must have been bored and started to calm down a bit, for which I was grateful. When I went to sit down, he started up again, and so I stood up and continued to walk with him.

Soon, my father showed up. He was happy to see his grandson and even happier to be spending the day with us.

I thought of a great idea.

"I woke up really early. Would you mind sitting with him, while I go back to bed?" I asked, hopeful. "I just want to take a little nap."

My father laughed at me. "Hell, no," he said.

I nodded. "It was worth a shot."

"A long shot," he cackled.

So we sat, my father and me on the sofa with our coffees, and Phil in his bouncy chair. It's not that I didn't want to spend time with him, or that I was exhausted.

No, I was exhausted. Earlier in the week, I did a twenty-four hour stint of call, which would have been forty-eight had I not split it with another attending.

And even though Bella wakes up with him most nights, I still manage to wake up too. Sleep, it's hard to come by nowadays and since Phil lives with me, I figured an hour nap wouldn't hurt anyone. And I wouldn't miss out on much. But that obviously wasn't going to happen. So I sipped my coffee and hoped it did its job.

"What's the meaning of this show here?" my father asked.

I cleared my throat. "It's Handy Manny. He's a…um…maintenance worker of sorts, and the tools help him with his odd jobs." I nodded.

"Son, the tools speak. That's hardly realistic." He shook his head.

"And he knows that?" I pointed to Phil. "It's a cartoon. All he sees are the colors, anyway."

"Well, I like Scooby Doo better. That's what you used to watch." He put his coffee mug down, grabbing the remote. "If he doesn't know what he's watching, let's put on something else-"

"No!" I shouted. My father ceased all movement and placed the remote down. "He likes the colors, I don't know. But if you change that channel…" I shook my head. "Just please leave it on."

"You can't use television to raise your child." He picked the remote back up. "Let's see if he likes Judge Mathis."

"Dad, please," I pleaded.

Luckily, he listened to me and never changed the channel.

A little while later, he got bored and wanted to play with his grandson. That was cool. He kept Phil occupied, while I closed my eyes for a few minutes.

My mind kept drifting back to Bella, wondering if she was okay, wondering if that episode this morning was a real problem, or a one-time thing, hoping that she wasn't experiencing PTSD or possibly postpartum depression.

Day-to-day, Bella is fairly normal. She's Bella. The first two weeks after Phil was born were pretty hectic, getting used to a schedule, getting used to waking up at all odd hours, getting used to her body, which changed with giving birth. She was also recovering from a traumatic event. A lot happened in a short amount of time.

And she seemed to be coping well.

The tears are normal, too. She shed tears of joy because I was going to let her get back to bed. She cries sometimes, but that's normal, right? It's only been a month and she's gone through so many changes. I just hope I have nothing to worry about.

Like always, I will give her time, let her cope, and let her do what she has to do. If this behavior continues, I'll talk to her about it. I'll try to get her to open up.


"Hmm?" I looked to my father.

"He needs his diaper changed."

I nodded. "The diapers are in his room." I pointed. "It's about time we feed him and put him down anyway." I shrugged.

My father shook his head no.

"What, no?" I laughed.

"He's your kid," he said, going into his pocket. "We'll call Esme?" he asked hopefully.

I shook my head at his audacity. "You would have her come down here just to change a diaper?" I asked and stood up, taking my son from his arms.

"I've never changed a diaper before."

I laughed at him. "That's bullshit." I walked Phil into his room and placed him on the changing table.

"I came from a different generation." I heard my father say behind me. "I never changed your diaper."

"How is that possible?" I asked, taking off Phil's soiled diaper. Then, like I always do, I wiped him clean, and waited for the over-spray, turning to my father.

"Your mother changed your diapers; I worked." He defended. "When I came home, I played with you, your mother, and then I went to bed. That's what this Daddy did." He pointed to himself. "As you got older, potty-trained, that was when we started to hang out more."

I raised an eyebrow. "So, you never helped Mom?" I asked.

"Well, yeah, I fed you and calmed you when you needed it. I think I even gave you a bath once, but never did I have to wipe your ass."

I laughed again. "But this is half the fun." I jerked my thumb back to Phil.

"Wiping your son's ass is fun? You should get out more."

That was when I felt a stream of warmth hit my back. My father looked around me. "He just pissed on you."

I threw my head back and laughed.

"Getting urinated on is funny?" He placed his hand on my shoulder. "I'll say it again; you need to get out more."

I chuckled.

"He got some on his own face too. How is that possible?" he asked.

I shrugged. "This is the dirty work, but it's fun because I'm also taking care of him. What else does he do? Sleep and eat."

"He cries?"

I nodded. "Yes, he cries. But it's still fun." I turned back to Phil. "Would you like to learn how to change a diaper?" I asked.

He didn't respond.

"See one, do one, teach one, remember?" I let out a small laugh and gave him a fleeting look.

"I'm game," he said, and he did have his game face on, like he was about to scrub a bypass or some shit. Good.

"Okay, now first we'll start with the purpose, 'cause everything has a purpose." I looked to him.

He nodded, his eyes cast down to Phil.

"The purpose is a clean ass, as we have here." I picked Phil up by his legs and showed my father his backside. Then I quickly wiped his face, and then his junk again.

"And what is that called there?" He pointed to the wet wipes.

"Baby wipes." I sucked my teeth. "Are you kidding me?"

"Your mother used a washcloth. I think that's better, more green." He nodded and I ignored him.

"Now, what we do is wait for him to dry. Bella doesn't, but I like to, because who wants a wet ass, right?" I asked.

"I wouldn't," he agreed.

"Right," I sighed. "So, we grab a diaper and place it under his ass." I did so, picking him up by his little legs again.

My father reached over to grab his thighs. "Look at them, I could just bite them." He cooed. "Who's so cute, who's my little cutie pie. Boogie—boogie—boogie—boo! I see you!"

"Dad!" I scolded. "Pay attention."

"Sorry." He composed himself.

"Now that the diaper is under him, we put the butt paste on-"

"Butt paste?" he asked.

I grabbed the jar and showed him. "Guards against chafing and diaper rash." I opened the jar, getting some on my fingers.

"Bella only uses a little, but you can never be too cautious. I like to paint it on, leave no skin bare, 'cause you just never know." I continued to place a few globs on his ass, and smear it around, getting it under his balls and the crease of his thighs. "But make sure you never, never, place it directly on the penis, as it can clog the urethra."

He gasped.

"It's okay. He's fine." I smirked at my father and continued to paint on the butt paste. When I was finished, I grabbed the powder.

"Bella says to use one or the other. She mostly uses the powder, and when he's a little red she'll use the paste...but like I said, never too cautious. I place a little powder. It sticks to the butt paste and creates a nice...It's like shellacking, a sealant, and nothing is going to get beyond it." I placed some powder on him. Yeah, the wife hates when I change him. But that's only because she says she needs a scraper or something to get the protective shield off.

"Then, what we do is fasten the diaper. As long as Pooh is facing you, you have it on correctly." I folded the diaper on to him. "See, there's Winnie." I pointed to the bear.

"You just said Pooh?"

"Winnie-the-Pooh…Sorry, I didn't specify."

"You should have." He nodded.

"You also, before you close it, you have to fan out all the creases along the legs. If you don't, he'll leak."


"Yes, his bodily waste will seep through and that can be messy." I straightened out all the little folds along his thighs.

"And lastly, we adjust the Velcro tabs. Not too tight, but not too loose. You want to make sure it fits around him, but isn't going to cut off any circulation, making him uncomfortable. And then you re-dress him." I picked up Phil, placing my hands under his arms, in his spiffy new diaper.

"See?" I twirled Phil to either side, his little legs curled up, and his head drooped to the side.

"Who's dat ittle wittle baby?" Dad pouted, talking to Phil. "Who's the sexiest little baby, ever?"

"Sexy?" I smirked.

Dad shrugged. "He's very attractive."

"Do you want to dress him?" I asked, holding him out to my father.

My father shook his head no. "I'll feed him."

"Okay." I lay Phil back down and snapped all those tiny little buttons into place.

My father had left the room, and I looked down to Phil, smiling widely. "Who's Daddy's wittle baby?" I asked, tickling under his chin before I got that same spot with a loud kiss. He giggled and kicked his feet.

"That's right," I laughed and picked him up again.

We walked back out to the living room, and I placed him in my father's arms. Then, I got his bottle ready.

Phil sat happily with my father while he ate. It took him a while, like it often does, for him to get used to it. I couldn't blame him. If I had to choose, I'd choose the breast. After a few burps, the kid fell asleep as my father just watched him.

I didn't even bother to change out of my urine stained shirt and channel surfed.

"This is the best part. Look, he's sleeping," Dad said.

"Ahuh-" I felt my eyes rolling back, like I might fall asleep myself.

"Where should I put him?" he asked.

I shrugged. "The chair." I pointed. "The bassinet." I pointed. "Anywhere but the crib."

"Why not the crib?" he asked.

I sat up, fully awake. "Because that's just what Bella does. She never put him in the crib for naps. That's only for nighttime."

"Okay, I'll put him down and then we'll order Chinese?"

"Sounds good," I agreed.

The rest of the day spent with my father was pretty boring. Phil napped, while we bullshitted and ate. When Phil woke up, he got his diaper changed by Grandpa, where I hoped Phil would get him. He didn't, and then we fed him again. Then we succumbed to watching cartoons again.

"Is this really all he does?"

"What do you mean?" I looked to my father.

"All we've done today is wipe his ass and feed him."

"He's like thirty-seven days old. Is he not amusing you?" I asked, confused.

"No, it just seems tedious. Bella must be going out of her mind. I'm sure she can't wait to get back to work," he laughed.

I shook my head no. "She doesn't complain. She just wishes she had more sleep, but I plan to remedy that. When she sleeps, she has more energy for Daddy, and that's a win-win situation-"

"Ah, oh, 'The Situation', what do you know about the situation?" He smirked.

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"Esme watches Jersey Shore. It's pretty funny."

"Okay." I said wide-eyed, surprised that my father watches that show.

Dad let out an elongated sigh, looking around the living room. "I think I'm going to take off…"

"What's up?"

"Nothing." He looked to Phil. "It's been relatively boring, and I think your child might be depressed."

"He is not." I scoffed. "Depressed. He's a fucking newborn."

"No, son. Now he would be classified as an infant. He never smiles… You smiled more. You were a happy baby." He nodded.

"He smiles more for Bella. He knows Mommy isn't here. Hell, I'm depressed, too." I pouted.

"All right. Whatever you say. I'll send your love to Esme?" he asked.

"Of course…and tell her to come by more during the week." I smiled.

When Esme is around, Bella doesn't have to lift a finger—that I knew to be a fact. She can give Bella a break. When we first brought Phil home, Esme was always here. She stopped coming by so much because she thought she might be overstepping some boundary, which was absolutely ridiculous. Bella loved having Esme here and so did Phil. He loves his Grandma Esme so much.

Dad eased Phil into his bouncy chair. "I'm sure she'll love that. I'll just let myself out," he whispered, wincing when Phil moved.

I smiled and waved, glad I didn't have to get up.

After my father left, I must have fallen asleep. I woke up to the sounds of women conversing, not just any women: Bella, Rosalie, and Alice. I didn't stir, feigning sleep once again, in hopes that Alice and Rose would disappear. I heard them come in, say hello to Phil, and then leave. That was when I decided to open my eyes.

"Have a good nap?" Bella asked.

"Sorry, I fell asleep on the job," I admitted.

She smiled at me. "It's fine. How was your day?" She took Phil out of his bouncy seat, continuing to rock him in her arms and plant her lips against his head.

"Good," I said. "We didn't do much. How was yours?"

"I missed my men." She winked and sat next to me. "Going out was nice, but knowing you were here—" She drew in a shaky breath. "I wished I was here too."

"How was…being outside?"

"It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. We had a good time." She smiled and all my worries from before sort of faded away.

I leaned over and kissed her hand. "We missed you, too."

She continued to smile.

Yeah, life is pretty boring now, I guess, by traditional standards. But believe it or not, I've never been happier. Sure, we have worries—always wondering if we're doing the right thing. However, I just keep reminding myself that no matter what we do, no matter how much butt paste, rest, or love we give Phil, he's still going to grow up and be fucked up in one way or another.

And yet, we'll love him just the same.

The End

Thanks for coming along on this rapid ride…