Hello, readers. I apologize for the long absence but RL has been a nightmare and I've barely had time to write. As a warning, this fic is based on SPOILER ALERT: in next week's ep Deeks is fired and Kensi "gives him lip" in the (paraphrased) words of Mr. Brennan. Now, there are two ways to take that comment and since I'm not a show writer, but a fic one I choose to take it this way.
The updates to this bad boy might slow quite a bit since I've recently decided to start filling in the blanks on The Call, which includes a re-write of the initial fic, making some major edits to allow for a multi-chapter. Look for a new chapter of that one maybe before Christmas.
Again, thank you SO MUCH for the reviews; they really do make the effort worth it.
Berserk (adj): violently or destructively frenzied; wild; crazed; deranged
Before he was even done spinning the lie (actually, Hetty had spun it for him, Deeks had just acted it out accordingly), Deeks wondered what kind of damage it would do. The Operations Manager had assured him that in the end his partner would understand, that she would not hold it against him. It seemed logical until said partner was standing in front of him shifting back and forth on her feet, obviously anxious and upset. Her arms were crossed tightly across her chest, lower lip pulled between her teeth as if she was trying to stop herself from saying something (or crying).
And that's when the urge to tell the truth nearly overwhelmed him. But that part of him that had always been a good undercover shoved the urge aside as he packed up the few personal items he kept on his desk at NCIS. Hetty's instructions had been crystal clear; the team was NOT to know that his firing was all a ruse. There was not enough time to properly prepare them and any hint that his departure was not permanent could be deadly. For all of them.
So that's what helped convince him to lie to them…to lie to her. It was a precarious situation and Deeks would not have been able to live with himself if his actions caused her harm. All agents – or cops - felt a certain level of protectiveness toward their partner, it was perfectly normal. Though Deeks knew his feelings for her went far beyond normal professional concern, they were delving into dangerous territory. Actually, they were probably well into that territory.
As he shoved the last item into his duffle bag, Deeks looked up and shook Sam's hand. The former SEAL had given him a look that said all he needed to know; Deeks had the other man's respect.
Stepping around the desk he approached Callen and did the same, shaking his hand quickly. "Thanks, man."
Callen had nodded as he spoke, "You ever need anything, you call us, got it?"
Deeks held back the inappropriate joke that crossed his mind, instead responding with a sedated, "Will do."
Taking a deep breath, he turned and faced the last member of the team who was staring at him like her entire world had just fallen apart. And that's when the guilt hit, and not just a wave, a freaking tsunami of guilt at what he was doing to her. Now he worried that maybe she wouldn't forgive him, that this fucking case would do damage he couldn't repair. And he questioned Hetty's decision not to tell them, they were trained professionals, but Hetty's decisions, while often seemingly illogical at first usually had a very good reason behind them. That was if she bothered to tell you the reason. So if the Operations Manager didn't want the other team members to know what was going on, they wouldn't.
"Walk me out?" he asked her. He may have questioned the order, but he would never break it.
Her response was far more in control than she appeared, "Sure."
As they got to his Malibu, he tossed the duffle into the back seat and turned back toward her, unsure what to say. He just knew whatever it was was better off said away from the prying eyes of the bullpen.
"Kens…" he started but she just shook her head.
"Deeks, I think you should just go."
The words and abruptness of them stung but he understood, Kensi Blye was not one for prolonged emotional scenes. But they couldn't leave it like this. There was too much between them for him to just…get in the car and wave goodbye.
Slowly, giving her enough time to stop him, he raised one hand and gently cupped her cheek, staring into her mis-matched eyes as she subtly leaned into the touch. Now it was the urge to kiss her that was overwhelming, but again, he pushed that aside.
"Do you trust me?" he asked quietly and watched confusion cover her face.
"Do you trust me? Really trust me?"
"Of course I do," she practically whispered.
He dropped his hand. "Remember that, ok?"
"Deeks, I don't understand."
"It's ok." Suddenly he leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on her cheek. "Bye Kens."
He had to get out of there before too much was revealed, before the forlorn expression on her face overtook his duty and he spilled that it wasn't forever, that hopefully he would be back soon. So he turned quickly and got into the car, pulling out of the parking lot without even looking back.
The irritated knocking (only she could make knocking sound irritated) on his door came at nearly midnight. Not that he had been sleeping. No, his gut had been churning since saying goodbye to her that afternoon. Enough that the beer he had opened two hours ago was still half full on his coffee table.
Walking to the door he prayed with everything he had that it was someone (anyone) else on the other side.
Of course it wasn't.
Before he could even speak, his partner blurted out a frustrated and clearly angry, "She can't do this!"
The brunette then pushed by him, only coming to an abrupt stop in his living room, before continuing her rant in an almost frenzied manner. "She just…can't. It's not right, Deeks. It's not fair!"
Closing the door he muttered his first words, "And hello to you too, Kens."
Her face scrunched up and she eyed the beer on the table. "Are you drunk?"
Closing and locking the door he sighed and moved into the living room, casually picking up the bottle and taking it to the kitchen where he dumped the now-warm contents into the sink. "Not even close."
She followed and paused in the doorframe, looking at him with an expression he couldn't define. "You got fired today, Deeks! Fired! How can you be so calm?"
He stepped closer to her and smiled. "Technically I didn't get fired, they eliminated the liaison position, I still have a job with LAPD."
The way her eyes narrowed told him he was not helping his case any. "So it's fine with you that you don't work with me…us, anymore? Like the last two years never happened?"
Of course it wasn't fine (but it also wasn't true), but he couldn't show her that so instead he shrugged. "Not much I can do to change it, Kens."
She took a step toward him. "Talk to Hetty, Deeks. Maybe she'll just suspend you."
"Have you ever had any luck talking Hetty out of a decision?"
She blew out an annoyed breath. "No, but…"
"Then that's it."
Now fury covered her face and she took another step toward him, they were barely a foot apart now and Deeks was becoming a touch concerned about their physical proximity. Only bad things could happen if she moved any closer. Or maybe good things. Depends on your point of view, he mused.
"That's it? That's…it? You aren't even putting up a fight…" The anger was tinged with sadness at the last couple words. He had no response.
At his silence she shook her head and took several steps away, running her fingers through her loose hair; he was relieved and yet distraught at the loss of her closeness. For a while they just stared at each other, each unsure where to go from here.
Before he could even process what she was doing, Kensi closed the distance between them again, this time pressing her body against his, her lips crashing against his almost desperately, fingers digging into his biceps.
For just a moment he froze, unsure what to do, then her tongue was pressing against his lips and he obliged, opening his mouth to allow her access; he noted she tasted like chocolate and coffee. His hands snaked around her back as her fingers moved up and her short nails scraped the sensitive skin at the nape of his neck. And then he was as willing a participant as she was, and any thought that this was a bad idea flew out of his head as she pushed her body against his, practically slamming him into the wall behind them where she pinned him with her body as her lips and tongue continued to assault his mouth.
His head was practically spinning, and not from lack of air, but from the feel of her lips on his, tongue dueling with his, her body pressed flush against his in all the right places.
Of their own volition his hands moved south, coming to rest on her ass, squeezing gently. Deeks half expected her to pull away and end this but instead she let out a little moan of excitement and he pulled her closer if it was even possible.
Eventually she stopped with the assault on his mouth and moved her lips down the side of his neck, biting gently as she went while her warm hands slid up under his t-shirt, meeting skin of his abdomen.
Deeks closed his eyes and enjoyed the sensations racing through his body at her touch, they were intense to say the least and he didn't want her to stop. He never wanted her to stop it felt…incredible.
After she reached the collar of his shirt, Kensi let out an annoyed huff and tugged at the hem, eagerly pulling it over his head. As the material went sailing to the floor she looked at him, desire and need and want clear on her face. Silently she grabbed his hands and pulled him backward, moving slowly toward his bedroom.
And that's what snapped him out of his desire filled haze that had prevented him from stopping this.
"Kensi…" he started but she silenced him with another kiss, this one with less heat, but more…emotion.
"Deeks, shut up," she finally said and started leading him again.
For a brief moment he considered doing as she said and following her to his bedroom where they would sleep together and finally give into the tension that has plagued them since almost day one. But it would be a betrayal of trust beyond doubt, he would be taking advantage of the fact he knew his status while she did not. And this was trust that was built, sometimes painfully, over two years. Would one night be worth it?
The answer was easy. No.
Deeks drank in the Kensi in front of him, committing her to memory. And then he stopped walking.
She tilted her head with a questioning expression. "Deeks? You can't be saying no…" Suddenly her expression changed to confusion and disappointment, and maybe a little embarrassment. "Can you?"
Cupping her face with both hands he leaned in and placed a chaste kiss on her cheek, closing his eyes a moment to relish in the feel and scent of her skin before pulling back.
Staring intently into her eyes, he spoke quietly, "Please, trust me."
And then he spoke the hardest words he'd ever had to. "Then you need to leave."
When she pulled away he conveyed all he could in his expression and she nodded slowly, walking to the couch and picking up her purse from where she had thrown it earlier.
Before stepping out of the now open door, she looked at him. "I hope one day you can explain this to me."
"Me too, Kens, you have no idea."
Without another word she left the apartment and Deeks standing there feeling better and yet worse at the same time. This fucking assignment was killing him and it had only started.
Three days later he strolled back into the Mission to a round of welcome backs from Callen, Sam, Nell and Eric, Kensi was suspiciously absent. Callen had tilted his head in the direction of the firing range and Deeks nodded his thanks.
After dropping his bag, he headed toward the range, unsure what her absence meant.
Watching her fire off the last couple rounds from the sig, he wondered if she realized he was there. Until she spoke after removing the ear protection, but without turning, "Is this going to be awkward?"
"Only if we make it that way."
She seemed to consider that and slowly turned toward him. "It's weird though."
That he could concede to. "Yeah, a little."
Finally she walked over to the table next to him and started putting everything away, clearly as a distraction. "Thanks," she said after stowing the targets.
"For what?" He really wasn't sure.
"Being a gentleman."
"I couldn't…not be. You know?" She did, he didn't have to explain further. But he did need to know that his little side mission hadn't caused damage. "Are we ok? You aren't mad are you?"
She shrugged. "No, it was a Hetty thing…that's all I need to know. We've all been on that end of a super-secret Hetty mission."
Kensi tilted her head at him. "You were worried?"
Deeks scrubbed his hands over his beard and tried to hold in a smile. "No…no, not at all…ok, maybe a little."
A light laugh escaped her and they walked out of the range and through the gym, Deeks casually slinging an arm around her shoulders and she sighed again "Can we just pretend I didn't make an ass of myself?"
"But it's such a nice ass…"
She shoved him away and threw her hands up. "Seriously, Deeks?"
He just gave her that stupid grin of his. "What?"
"I'm never going to live this down, am I?"
There was a twinkle in her eye the second before her hand reached out and grabbed his ass…hard.
"Might as well enjoy it then," she grinned and walked away, an extra swing in her hips.
"I'm pretty sure that's harassment…I'm telling Hetty," he yelled after her.
All he got in response was a distant laugh.
Not sure the word fits 100%, but Im rolling with it...