Title: Corrupting the Youth of Today
Fandom: Iron Man & Ouran High School Host Club
Pairings&Characters: Tony/Hikaru/Kaoru, Pepper Potts, Tamaki, Kyoya, Haruhi, Hunny, Mori, Renge
Word Count: ~4,000
Summary: What happens when men with too much money and time on their hands meet one another? Say, for instance, Tony Stark and and the Ouran Host Club. The answer? Ridiculous shenanigans, of course.
Warning: Crack. Crackity crack crack crack. Boys making out with each other. Ridiculous shenanigans.
AN: Written as a gift for a friend, who promised me home-baked cobbler in return. Not that it excuses what I've done, but still. Cobbler.
Tony Stark wakes to a splitting headache, gritty eyes, and a mouth that tastes like ass. He's not sure where he is, but he can hear the hum of an engine and feel plush upholstery under his cheek, so he's going to assume that he's being moved somewhere. There's the possibility he's been kidnapped, but he doubts that any kidnapper worth their salt would leave him untied and drape a cashmere throw over him.
"Pepper?" he calls out, his voice hoarse from all the tequila shots, Sex On the Beaches, and something Nipples he drank last night. He refuses to open his eyes just yet. If he's being kidnapped, he's just going to go back to sleep.
"Yes, Mr. Stark," comes the cool and assured voice of one Pepper Potts from over his head.
"Where am I?"
"Your jet, sir."
"You're going to Japan, sir," Pepper says. Tony pauses to consider. That was three 'sirs' in the space of ten seconds. He knows from experience that that does not bode well. He's probably done something heinous like sleep with a rival CEO or forget an important appointment. Regardless, he decides to man up and ask his next question anyway.
"Uh. Japan?" he asks.
"Yes, sir. You remember. The school tours? You're booked for the next week," Pepper says. Tony scrolls back through his memory, trying to think through the railroad spike being driven through his left eye. Nothing jumps out at him.
"... I am? You sure?" Tony asks. He hears Pepper inhale deeply. She's probably counting to ten. She seems to do that a lot.
"Yes, Mr. Stark. I'm sure. Will that be all?"
.A week. A week with bratty teenagers. A week with bratty teenagers, and Pepper mad at him.
"Tylenol, Pepper. Please."
Ouran Academy is the fifth school in five days. Pepper is still mad at him. Less mad, but still.
"I don't even know why we're here, Pepper," Tony grumbles, peering up at the rather impressive building before him. "Half the kids here are going to end up working for their family's companies, and the other half are never going to work a day in their lives."
"There are plenty of reasons we're here, Mr. Stark," Pepper said, calm and cool as ever. She wasn't even looking at him, choosing instead to focus on her Blackberry and rapid thumbs. (One time he had a nightmare where Pepper threatened to gouge his eyes out with her extremely dexterous thumbs if he didn't finish his paperwork. It makes him a little bit nervous when she types now.)
"It would have been extremely insulting to visit almost every other premiere academy and university, and not even make a token gesture to Ouran," Pepper continues. "As for all those kids who'll end up working for their families, this is your chance to convince them to work for us instead, and ask them to think about whether or not they want to work under their parents' thumbs for the next twenty years. Even if they don't want to work for you, they may be impressed enough to invest in your company someday."
"Oh," says Tony. Pepper glances and gives him a small smile.
"And I may have saved the easiest for last. As I understand it, the school doesn't want you to convince the students, just entertain them. I hear they get bored easily. All you have to do is walk in there, be charming, show off a little, and we'll be back home by midnight. You can have Jarvis make you his delicious hot cocoa and get to sleep in your own bed," Pepper says.
Tony raises an eyebrow at her. She grins.
"Oh. Wait. That last bit's just me," she says, then turns back to her Blackberry.
The magnificent front doors of the illustrious Ouran Academy open wide, and a young man walks out to them, offering welcome.
"Showtime," Pepper says. Tony grimaces.
A few hours later, Tony has finished giving his presentation to the student body. As he expected, most of them didn't pay more than polite attention until he brought out his shiny toys. They oohed and aahed over some of the company's most impressive inventions, watching with rapt attention as he demonstrated how they worked. He has to admit, that bit was fun.
But that was at least an hour ago, and now he's bored to tears. He's suffering through a school tour slash club exhibition that they're giving for his, ahem, 'benefit.' He's nodded sagely through the chess club demonstration, smiled charmingly at the young ladies giving the tea ceremony for the culture club, and pretended to care about Romeo and Juliet for the drama club. The tour winds on, and he wonders despairingly what fresh hell is next.
"My dearest darlings! There is no need to cry any longer! Daddy is home!" says Tamaki Suoh, having flung open the doors to the club room in a suitably dramatic fashion. He awaits the applause and cries of joy, and is slightly disappointed when they fail to come.
He looks around, surprised to find the room nearly empty. Haruhi is curled up in an armchair, reading, and the twins are hunched over a table, tinkering with what looks like a toaster.
Tamaki is ahast. Where, he thinks, WHERE are the girls?
"They're out giggling over the handsome American businessman," say the twins. Oh. He must have said that out loud. Well, no matter, the question still stands.
"Handsome American businessman? Why wasn't I informed of this?" Tamaki demands.
"Maybe because you don't go here anymore," suggests Kyoya, brushing past him and into the room, closely followed by Hunny and Mori.
"Yeah, Tamaki, shouldn't you be more focused on your university studies than on making us visit Ouran with you?" Hunny asks, in his sweetest voice. Tamaki's pretty sure there's an insult in there somewhere, but he can't be bothered to figure it out. "Not that I mind! I missed you guys soooo much!"
Hunny flings himself at the Hikaru and Koaru so he can get his hugs, distracting them from their funny little toaster. Tamaki turns his attention to Haruhi, who's still engrossed in her book.
"Haruhi! Aren't you going to give Daddy a hug?" he asks, flinging his arms open wide.
Haruhi drop sher book in astonishment, her eyes wide and appreciative as she takes in Tamaki's fabulous form.
'Oh, I don't know if I should,' she says, glancing demurely at the floor. Somehow she's acquired a beautifully blooming rose tucked behind her ear. 'I... I've missed you so much, i fwe were to touch now, my heart might burst, I'd be so happy.'
'Never fear, my dear,' Tamaki says in his kindest tones, beckoning her with perfectly manicured fingers. 'You can use my heart. It already belongs to you, my dove.'
'Oh, really?' Haruhi breathes, eyes glistening, the skirt of her silk gown brushing against the floor as she walks into his open arms...
"I see you're reading The Art of War in Business," says Kyoya approvingly. Haruhi finally looks up, seeming surprised at seeing them there.
"Oh. Hey, guys," she says, putting her book down. Tamaki glances at the cover, but it's only one of those boring books Kyoya keeps trying to get him to read.
"I see you haven't lost your touch," Kyoya says, sounding amused.
"Touch?" Haruhi asks.
"At ignoring Tamaki's antics," Kyoya says. Haruhi shrugs, and then is pounced on by Hunny, who starts chattering about his classes. Kyoya consults his handheld device (what did he call it? a raspberry? a black currant?), and the twins go back to their toaster.
At this point, Tamaki is thoroughly tired of all the attention being spent elsewhere, so he strikes a pose and demands, "Tell me about this businessman."
"His name is Tony Stark," says Hikaru (or Kaoru. Tamaki's awful at telling them apart).
"He came to give a presentation on his company today. He's touring the school clubs right now," says Kaoru (probably).
"He's President, CEO, and majority owner of Stark Industries. It produces some of the most advanced technology on the market," adds Kyoya.
"He has the most wonderful inventions," says Hikaru (maybe).
"You should have seen the things they did," says Kaoru (eh).
"He's so dreamy," sighs Renge. Tamaki jumps and spins around, finally locating her splayed on one of the couches, hearts in her eyes. He breathes a sigh of relief when he sees she's not attacking.
"I found his presentation interesting," says Haruhi, shrugging. Tamaki thinks for half a second, then strikes another pose.
"Well then what are you all doing lazing about?" he demands. "We have an impressive American businessman in our midst! It's time to show him what Ouran hospitality is all about! Renge! Advise on plan of attack!"
Renge leaps to her feet and salutes Tamaki.
"Sir, I suggest Operation Harem, sir!" she shouts.
"Excellent! Men!" Tamaki shouts. Hunny, Mori, and the twins all stand to attention, obviously delighted by this new game. "To your battle stations!"
They begin rushing about, rearranging the room into a pleasure palace fit for a sultan. Haruhi rolls her eyes and goes back to her book. It's really quite fascinating, and she finds it's best not to get caught up in Tamaki's shenanigans right away. Besides, there's no way she's going to confront the owner of a multibillion dollar international company in any of the outfits Renge or Tamaki are likely to come up with.
Kyoya sighs and begins drawing up the necessary waivers for Mr. Stark to sign before the club gets their hands on him.
Tony sighs as he's lead to Music Room #3. One more club and then he can leave. One more club. The young man giving them the tour (student body president, if he remembers right) coughs politely and stops a little way down the hall from the music room.
"This is our, ah, last club," he says. Is he blushing? "Before you go in, Mr. Stark, I just want to say, this club is only loosely endorsed by the school, and has absolutely no connection to official school policy or code of conduct."
The young man takes a deep breath and continues leading them down the hallway. At this point the small group of girls that had been trailing him as he toured swells into a veritable swarm of young ladies.
Tony feels his eyebrows go up. This should be interesting.
As they near, an elegant young man with oval glasses steps out of the room and shuts the door behind him.
"Mr. Stark," he says, bowing slightly. His English is impeccable. "I am Ootori Kyoya. I believe you are acquainted with my father?"
Tony nods. He's done some highly profitable business with the Ootori clan.
"Welcome to Ouran. Before you enter the club, I must ask you to sign these forms," Kyoya says, smiling politely and offering a couple sheets of paper. Tony accepts them and scans through, speeding through terms, clauses, and subclauses. He blinks, then hands them to Pepper. She reads them, and Tony watches her eyebrows go up, and up. He feels the same way.
She hands them back, one eyebrow raised. There's nothing too damaging in the waivers, so it's his choice whether or not he wants to see what the fuss is all about. He considers for a moment, then shrugs. What the hell. This'll probably be the most fun he'll have all day, and it's the last club anyway. If it gets too weird, he can just make his excuses and leave.
He signs the waivers (except for the one allowing the club to post pictures of his time there on their website, which he can see earns him a measure of respect from Kyoya), and hands them back to Kyoya. Kyoya accepts them and begins to open the doors behind him. A hush falls on his schoolgirl entourage.
"Welcome," says Kyoya, "to the Ouran High School Host Club."
Tony walks into the room, closely followed by the girls. A host club. Alright. He can handle that.
He stops dead, along with Pepper and the girls. The girls erupt into squeals of joy.
The room is dressed up like one of those old Hollywood movies Pepper pretends not to love. 'The Sheik and I,' or something like that. The lighting is low enough to encourage intimacy, but still warm and bright, welcoming, and soothing music plays in the background. The walls are covered in silk drapery, lots of ivory and deep red, with emerald green and navy blue as highlights.
There are what look to be real Persian carpets on the floor, thick and soft with the richest colors and patterns. There are mounds of pillows around the room, settled around low tables. And in the center of the room, is the harem.
They're arranged on and around a plush divan, dressed in billowing silk pants and short embroidered vests. A blond seems to be the focal point, lounging carelessly on the divan and giving everyone come-hither eyes. A set of twins are holding palm fans behind him, their eyes dancing mischievously. A much shorter blond boy is curled at the feet of the other one, a stuffed bunny in his arms. Then there's tall, dark, and stoic standing guard behind them.
Tony blinks. He's pretty sure there's an appropriate verbal response for a moment like this, but he sure as hell doesn't know what it is. Thankfully, the tall blond stands and starts talking.
"Welcome, ladies and honored guests. Today for your amusement the Host Club presents a day in your personal harem. Whether you are a Princess or a Sultan, we beseech you to indulge and enjoy yourselves," he says. Tony has to hand it to him, the kid's a pretty good showman. The blond continues, "Mr. Stark. As today's special guests, you and your assistant have first choice among our hosts. We have a variety of young men for you to choose from.
"We have Hunny, the Lolita type," he says, gesturing to the short blond, who giggles and waves.
"Mori, the strong, and silent type." Tall, dark, and stoic nods slightly in Tony's direction.
"Hikaru and Kaoru, if your tastes run to the mischievous or brotherly love type." The twins grin at him, and he can't help but smile back. He knows trouble when he sees it.
"And I would be happy to entertain you, if you prefer the princely type," finishes the blond with a charming smile.
Tony is still a little at a loss as to what to say, so he turns to Pepper with a rakish grin. "You heard him, Pepper. Pick a boy. Ladies first."
Pepper rolls her eyes and says, "No thank you."
"Are you sure?" asks the blond. "If you do not wish to enter the harem at this time, Haruhi will be happy to keep you company." He gestures to an alcove near the back of the room which is miraculously free of silk or pillows. Instead it has elegant chairs arranged around a table set for afternoon tea, all done in the Victorian style. A boy dressed in the Ouran uniform is already sitting there, quietly sipping tea.
Pepper sighs, quiet enough that only Tony can hear, but graciously begins making her way over to Haruhi. The blond turns his attention back to Tony.
"And yourself, Mr. Stark?" he asks.
"Ah, the twins," he says. He's always had a thing for twins. They grin at him, and gesture him over to one of the piles of cushions. He follows them and gets settled in, kicking off his shoes and removing his jacket. They offer refreshments, and he asks for tea and whatever snack they're having. He watches in amusement as the horde of girls descend upon the remaining host club members.
His tea is served, as well as little sandwiches that taste delicious. He turns his attention to his hosts.
"We have to say," says one twin.
"We really enjoyed your presentation," finishes the other.
"Especially your inventions," says a twin.
"You're very inspiring," says the other, grinning. Tony grins back.
"Thank you," he says. The twins share a glance, then give him sly smiles.
"You seem like the type of person to enjoy a good joke," says one.
"And you have a particularly... inventive mind," says the other.
"Would you like to help us with something we've been working on?" they ask. Tony looks carefully over at Pepper, but she seems engrossed in conversation with her host. Good. He grins at the twins.
"What do you have in mind?"
Pepper sits down next to Haruhi and smiles politely. She wonders if she could get away with pulling out her Blackberry to get some work done, or if that would be too rude. Haruhi smiles back, polite but warm.
"Sorry about this. Tamaki can get very... enthusiastic," she says. Briefly Pepper wonders why she's dressed in a boy's uniform, but then realizes that she wouldn't want to wander around in full-length skirts all the time either. In any case, Pepper can't help but notice that Haruhi talks about Tamaki the way she does about Tony - rueful, resigned, and slightly apologetic.
"No, it's fine," she says, chuckling. "I understand completely. Mr. Stark is, well, probably even more impetuous. Sometimes I wonder if he's still four years old inside."
Haruhi laughs in understanding. Pepper likes the sound of it, warm and light. Pepper decides that regardless of Tony's and Tamaki's shenanigans, she's going to enjoy herself with this young lady. After so much time in Tony's company, it'll be nice to talk with someone who doesn't act like a complete airhead.
"So what do you do when you're not indulging ridiculous men?" Pepper asks, choosing a cookie from the array in front of her.
"Well, before Tamaki showed up today, I was reading," Haruhi says, pouring them both some tea. "I found Mr. Stark's presentation to be very interesting, and it used some quotes from a book, so I decided to check it out."
"Oh? Which one?" Pepper asks. Haruhi takes a moment to pull a book out of her bag, and hands it to Pepper. Pepper can't help but laugh, and Haruhi gives her a confused look. She shakes her head, still chuckling. "Well, for one, I write all of Mr. Stark's speeches and presentations, so thank you for the compliment. And for another, I wrote this book. I didn't really expect many people to read it."
She hands the book back to Haruhi, who takes a second look at the cover. The Art of War in Business: Your Successful Empireby P. Potts.
"Wow," Haruhi says, actually sounding impressed, which Pepper finds surprisingly gratifying. She takes a sip of tea, regarding Haruhi over the rim of her teacup.
"I hope you don't mind my saying this, but your English is really very good," Pepper says, "Where did you learn?"
"I don't mind. I learned some in middle school, but most here at Ouran. Their English language program is actually one of the reasons I applied to go here," Haruhi says.
"Applied?" Pepper asks. "I thought it was more of a family thing."
"Oh, no, nothing like that. I'm a scholarship student," Haruhi says. "My family doesn't have that kind of history."
Eureka, Pepper thinks. A smart, interesting young woman, with no family claims on her career. Stark Industries could always use another intelligent, capable woman, and goodness knows it would be fun to have an adorable apprentice like Haruhi.
"So. Haruhi. Do you have any particular plans for your future?" Pepper asks.
Tony examines the invention and blueprints, and can't help but laugh.
"Man, I wish I'd thought of this," he says, grinning at the twins. "This is gonna be fun."
The twins grin back, and all three set to work.
Pepper feels a disturbance in the Force, but ignores it in favor of Haruhi.
A scream rends the air of the seraglio, high and feminine with a hint of hysteria. Kyoya sighs and wanders over to investigate.
"What's the matter, Tamaki?" he asks. Tamaki is blushing furiously and using a pillow to cover his lap.
"My pants!" he screeches. Kyoya blinks, and looks down again. Indeed, his pants are gone. Kyoya hears maniacal giggling from behind the divan, and goes to investigate. Much as he suspected, he finds the twins. Though, the toaster is new.
"Hikaru, Kaoru, what did you do?" he asks.
"Nothing," they chime, affecting complete innocence. He gives them a look, unimpressed.
"Tony," a voice says, and Kyoya turns to find Ms. Potts glaring down at Mr. Stark, arms crossed and foot tapping. "What did you do?"
"Pepper..." Mr. Stark starts, looking nervous.
"Tony, if you're going to act like a child, I will treat you like one," Ms. Potts says, "Now tell me what you did."
Tony mumbles something that Kyoya doesn't quite understand, but evidently Ms. Potts does, judging from her expression. She pinches the bridge of her nose and is obviously counting to ten. Kyoya takes the opportunity to narrow his eyes at the twins. They grin, unrepentant, and offer their toaster to him.
"We call it the DePantser," they say cheerfully. Kyoya sighs and takes it from them, carefully. Ms. Potts' eyes snap to the toaster, then back to Mr. Stark.
"Tony..." she says in warning.
"Um, sorry?" he offers. Ms. Potts looks enraged, then, quickly, smug.
"Well, I warned you," she says.
"Go sit in time out, Tony," Ms. Potts says.
"Um," says Mr. Stark, looking flabbergasted. Kyoya gives Ms. Potts a small smile.
"Excellent idea," he says, "Hikaru, Kaoru, you can join him. The back room should do nicely, do you agree, Ms. Potts?"
"That sounds wonderful," she says, and gives Mr. Stark a meaningful look. He looks briefly indignant, then resigned. He sighs and gets to his feet, then tramps despondently behind the twins to their punishment.
Kyoya and Ms. Potts give each other nods of respect, then return to their previous pursuits.
It's too bad Pepper caught them. He was really having fun. Now Tony's more bored than ever. Judging from the looks on their faces, the twins are in similar straits. There isn't anything interesting this room at all.
"Hey," says one of the twins.
"Wanna make out?" asks the other. Tony blinks. They're grinning at him again.
"Aren't you underage?" he asks. The grins widen.
"Nope," they say.
"Oh," he says, intelligently. Though he supposes he can excuse himself on the grounds that he's never been seduced by high school boys before. And twins, at that.
"We like you," says one.
"You're fun," says the other.
"You're very... impressive," they say, and lick their lips. Tony thinks it over.
"Sounds good to me," he says, grinning.
When they leave Ouran Academy, Pepper pretends not to notice Tony's mussed-up state, and Tony ignores her smirk.
Both consider the day a success.
Thank you for reading. I would love to hear from you.