A/N: Dear readers, I'm glad you're reading this~ I am proud to announce: I HAVE A NEW SERIES! (: Wheee! I hope you enjoy this very much! Hitman!Poland is here for you, since I know he was a very successful character in the last fic I did. :D -Jayleen

WARNING: I didn't have enough space to put this in the summary, but this story is rated M for a reason! DRUG USE, VIOLENCE, SEX, LANGUAGE...ETC. Please be cautious, it is a YAOI! If you don't like it, please do not read it! Thank you~ Disclaimer: I hate writing this, but it must be done. If I get sued, I'll lose my pencil. ): It's the only thing I own. HENCE: I DO NOT OWN HETALIA.


Matthew "Hey, like, Matthew? Are you listening to me? At all? Hello?"

The violet-eyed teen whipped his head in shock, staring at his co-worker in confusion. Ever since Matthew was hired as a cashier at the sex shop, he's been acting a bit off, and his friend was sincerely worried for him.

"What?"

Feliks rolled his eyes in irritation, "I asked you to go re-stock the dildos," the Polish man deadpanned, as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

The Canadian still wasn't used to his best friend's bluntness, but Feliks sure was growing on him.

Blushing, Matthew nodded, stalking off to the storage room to bring out boxes and boxes of dildos.

...

I bet you're wondering why our poor, innocent little Matthew works at a sex shop, when there are so many opportunities to find much better jobs at regular stores in Los Angeles.

Thing is; none of those regular stores pay enough money in the world to support the blond. Plus, Feliks worked there as a manager. Matthew sighed as he unpacked a rubbery, pink, dildo.

He stared at it, wondering how people could actually deal with using one of those things.

I wonder if people feel guilty after using this...

His face was painted pink, as he shut his eyes tight, placing the sex toy on a shelf in the store.

Feliks trudged over to his friend, helping him with his work, before pausing and staring at his purple-eyed friend.

"Matthew, are you like, asexual?" The Polish man's viridian eyes were locked on Matthew, awaiting an answer from the frozen Canadian.

Matthew's jaw was hung open, "I-I ... NO! I like.. I... I... I've just..."

Feliks arched a brow, "I've never seen you like, date. Ever." He shrugged, "I just wanted to confirm that you're still a virgin."

"I-I'm not a v-virgin! And even if I was, I...there's nothing wrong with keeping it until I'm married, so there," Matthew concluded, raising his nose up into the air.

Feliks snorted a laugh, "'Aiight broski, but if you ever need some relief, call me. I know a totally hot guy to introduce you to!"

The Polish man stated with a wink.

"W-What! What makes you think I'm gay?"

Feliks gave him a void expression, "Oh please Matthew. There's no way in Hell, a guy as cute, clean, and nice as you, is straight."

He had a point.

Matthew was a mysophobic. He dreaded germs.

Matthew was about to protest, when a few customers walked into the store, allowing Feliks to make the perfect getaway.

He pouted, while trying his best to glare daggers at his friend. If looks could kill, Feliks would have a paper cut.

Hey, at least it would sting.

...

"Williams!" Matthew's skin crawled, as his boss entered the store, ordering the Canadian to get to his office that moment.

His boss wasn't one of those old, creepy men. He didn't look intimidating at all. He was actually one of Matthew's close friends outside of work.

Truth be told, the owner of the store was someone his own age, who inherited the store against his will.

His name: Lovino Vargas.

The Italian man lost a bet to his younger, more care-free, twin brother, Feliciano.

His grandfather was retiring, and had to pass down his family restaurant and his sex shop. He had a contest for his two grandsons to see who would be able to own the most notorious Italian restaurants in all of Southern California.

Unfortunately for Lovino, Feliciano won the restaurant, leaving him with the sex shop and very unsatisfied.

"Yes Boss?"

For some reason, the Italian loved it when people called him 'Boss Romano', it made him feel powerful I'm guessing.

Running a hand through his dark chocolate-colored hair, Lovino sighed, "Feli got a boyfriend."

Matthew arched a brow at his old friend, sitting down in a comfortable chair in front of Lovino's desk.

"That's why you look so depressed?"

There was a tinge of sadness in the boss' face for but a moment, "I-I'm not depressed, idiot. I'm just...kind of glum. He doesn't need me anymore."

The Canadian smiled, then got up from his seat to rub the Italian's back, "Lovino, he's grown up. Of course he still needs you, you're his only brother. He just needs someone to love. You do too!"

Lovino furrowed his brows together, his lips curved up slightly, "Thanks Matteo, I'm glad I could talk to you about this. But it's kind of funny you're telling me to find love," he said with a smirk, "after all," he paused, "you're the virgin."

...

Virgin. Virgin. Virgin! Virgin!

That word was all the blond could think about after he left his friend's office.

He was now in his Civic, driving back to his condo. Lovino's words really stung! He didn't realize how much he was missing out on in life until that day.

The joy of going out with people, the joy of partying and drinking.

Even the really crappy sensation you get when you know you're wasted!

He missed out on everything.

His grip on the steering wheel tightened.

This is why he'd been acting strange.

Ever since he got his job at the store, he realized that he'd missed out on risk. He heard so many stories about his friend's crazy sexcapades, and adventures. He wondered why he'd never done anything that crazy and reckless.

Oh that's right, he was always too afraid to take the chance. The Canadian was pathetic, he buried his head in books all day, avoiding things that would hurt him, including love.

What was he suppose to do? Shelter himself from fun for his entire life?

No!

Enough was enough. Matthew Williams was going to take a plunge this year. He was going to venture to no man's land!

The Canadian was going to do every barbaric action that popped into his mind.

The blond man grinned at the idea, and said to himself softly, "No backing down."

...

Feliks was on his way home, when he began to think of his blond coworker.

He felt guilty that Matthew never had a sexual encounter, and he blamed himself for it.

The green-eyed man had always been on the...eccentric side, and had barely any friends, but nonetheless, Matthew had the heart to befriend him in grade school, making the Canadian an outcast.

Since then, Matthew had always been ignored, and practically invisible. He had friends, just not many, and Feliks believed that it was his fault.

Feliks was the high school transexual. He was constantly harassed and looked down upon by his peers, earning himself a horrible reputation among his classmates. He wasn't actually transgender, he just went to school in drag.

The cruel pranks and gestures towards the Polish man left him unfazed.

He was used to blades in his shoes, and poison in his food, due to the fact that his familly was filled with contract killers.

The only reason why he worked at the stupid sex shop, was because of the fact that Lovino was a Mafia leader and also his boss who set up clients for him.

It was hard balancing his life as a hitman and a student in high school.

Thankfully for them, they both graduated, so they wouldn't have to deal with their peer's ignorant and rude behavior or the fact that Feliks had a secret identity.

Feliks stared at the road before him with a blank look.

What did he have to do to make Matthew happy? T

ruthfully, Feliks would do anything for his friend. After all, Matthew had been there for him through thick and thin. It was his turn to return the favor. For a millisecond, Feliks shut his eyes and thought about what he would do to ensure his Canadian man's happiness.

His face brightened incredulously when he figured just how to turn Matthew's mundane life into something extraordinary.

He smirked, I'm like, so fucking amazing. He crunched his foot down onto the breaks, causing the cars behind him to crash into one another, before making a u-turn, and driving maniacally towards his next destination.

...

The Polish man strutted into the smoky room, not caring that the men were staring at him with the most questioning gazes.

"H-Honey," Feliks' boyfriend Toris, began, "what are you doing here?"

Feliks smiled at him, popping out a brand new Springfield XDM Compact 3.8" gun, and raising it to the ceiling.

Every head in the room was now turned, staring at the brunette's insane contract killer of a boyfriend.

"Toris, you're boyfriend's gone insane!" Nikolai cried, clinging onto his Danish lover.

"Feliks...put the gun down," Matthias said slowly, almost jumping up in fear, as the gun was pointed towards him.

The Polish man rolled his eyes, "I'll be the one talking here, bitch," he growled.

Matthias' eyes widened, his mouth opened to say something, but his boyfriend slapped a hand over his lips. Feliks stared at everyone. All his boyfriend's acquaintances, from the perverted Frenchman, to the egoistical albino, all gathered up in one room.

Said room was filled with nothing but dead silence.

Dead silence, and the triumph of a very satisfied Polish man.

Oh how he loved being in control.

He smiled, "That's so much better." He lowered his gun, walking around the room, making sure to grin at each and every face he saw. "I have a totally badass proposition for all of you."

Twenty faces gaped at him in alarm. "Kolkolkolkol... And what would that be, Feliks?" Ivan, one of Toris' 'friends', asked.

A few of the men all nodded in agreement. "Oui, Feliks, what could possibly be so important?" The perverted Frenchman decided to join in on the questioning.

There was a slight sparkle in the Polish man's eyes as he was about to reveal his plan.

"One million dollars," he began, already making a few people in the room perk up with interest, "one million dollars will be given to the person who woos and takes the virginity of Matthew Williams."

"Who?" They all chorused, cocking their heads to the side.

There was only one person, besides Feliks, who knew exactly who the violet-eyed man was.

Mischievous crimson eyes glistened at the thought of taking the young and innocent Canadian. He licked his lips, not caring who saw. Feliks scoffed in disgust, "If you don't know who he is, then fucking figure it out of you want my money. Contact me if you're in."

He rolled his eyes, grabbing his boyfriend by the hand, and making his way to the door.

"Wait! How do we know if you're for real, aru?" Feliks paused at the doorstep, then reached into his pockets. He flashed a wad of one-hundred dollar bills, flipping through each one. "This wad of hundreds is ten-thousand dollars. I mean what I say," he stated seriously.

A few of their mouths watered. "I'm in!" Yong Soo called out.

"Oui, me too," Francis said with a smirk. In the next ten minutes, almost everyone in the room had joined in the competition to steal Matthew's virginity, with the exception of Antonio, Ludwig, Matthias, Nikolai, Tino and Berwald.

Feliks let out a smirk of victory, "Okay then, I'm glad you've compromised," he pulled his lover closer to him, causing the brunette to blush, "but there all rules."

"Rules, huh?" Gilbert asked with a scoff.

Feliks whipped his head towards the albino, "Yes, rules," he began. "Rule one: You can't force anything onto him. If any of you force Matthew at all, I will personally kill you," he stated clearly, making some of the men (and the one woman) shrivel back in their spots.

"Rule two: You have to woo and take him, while he's like sober. If Matthew lost his virginity while he's totally passed out, and has absolutely no recollection of what happened whatsoever, I will also kill you."

Some of the people in the room seemed to have second thoughts about the competition, due to the fact that Feliks was fucking crazy, and it seemed like anything they did would get them killed.

"Last rule. Number three, like, the most important rule... You're not just taking Matthew's virginity. When you woo him, I want him to like, experience love, since he's never gotten the chance. If you're not up for totally falling in love with him, I suggest you like, give up now, because this boy's totally for real. If you crush his heart..."

"You'll kill us," they all muttered in agreement.

Feliks beamed evilly, "I'm glad you guys see it my way. Like, ciao!" He strutted out of the building, his lover in tow.

...

"Do any of you guys know who Matthew Williams is, aru?" Yao asked, wondering if the Polish man was speaking the truth or not.

"Doesn't ring a bell at all. The lad is practically sixes and sevens," Arthur commented, rolling his eyes. Francis and Gilbert gaped at him, mouthing, 'what the fuck?'

"Lo siento...I don't know who he is," Antonio shrugged his shoulders, "but it's not like I'll enter the competition anyways. I don't need money or love when I have Lovi!~"

"The name doesn't ring a bell at all," Tino scrunched his eyebrows together, trying to help his friends out, even if he wasn't competing.

A sleepy Greek man stepped into the room, toppling over as he stepped in.

Yawning, he asked from the floor, "What did I miss?"

They all kept quiet from the man. When it came to wooing people, Heracles was a fucking boss.

He was almost as terrible as Francis. Except for the fact that Francis went for anyone.

Heracles waited for people to come to him. "Nothing," Francis said quickly.

With that, Heracles drifted off to his slumber.

"Gilberto?" Antonio asked, nudging his albino friend in the stomach.

The scarlet-eyed man seemed to be in deep thought. "Huh?" he asked, his face was completely blank.

The Spaniard stared at him, "Are you alright?" Gilbert took one hit from the joint that was being passed around the room.

"I'm fucking awesome. Better than awesome, I'm fucking stoned," he said nonchalantly, offering the blunt to the Spaniard, who declined politely.

"Fucking...Matthew Williams huh? Never thought I'd hear that name again," he whispered to himself.


A/N: hello there, honies (: This was it! The first chapter of 'How to Lose Your Virginity' I hope you liked it! The plot shall thicken!~ Oh gawsh... I just love Heracles. By the way, there were Twenty people in total. I mentioned a few, can you guess the rest? ;D And yes, they were smoking weed. \: Well, some of them were. But anyways, this story will be funny, but there shall be less crack and less OOC-ness (I hope)! Anyways, REVIEW PLEASE. REVIEW! (: