How Do I Live?

Chpt 1

Author's note: This idea popped in my head and it absolutely will not let go. So I'm doing my best to get it out before my muse drives me totally insane! Lol! Hope you like! And yea, I totally ripped the titled from the song. I couldn't think of anything else at the moment. I may change the title if the story starts to fit something else.


February 2148

Major Matt "Hawk" Masterson walked into the new command center at their new base near the Arctic Circle aptly named Northstar. He was impressed that Stuart Power had managed to build a back up base for them should they ever lose the original Power Base. It was a good base, but it wasn't home. Probably never would be. It was missing something. Hawk knew what was missing but he also knew there was a damn thing he could do about it. Jennifer was what was missing. Before she joined their group they were all close but after she came to them they became a family. Now she was gone, lost in the destruction of the original base.

Yet in reality, they'd lost more than just Jennifer. They'd lost Jon too. Sure, he was physically still there but only just. He was a shell; a man just going through the motions of life and fighting a war. He had gone to taking his meals alone and only interacted with the others when a mission was involved. Otherwise he kept to his personal quarters or the spot he chose to sit at outside near the top of the base. He'd sit out there for hours. Nobody knew what he did out there. Nobody really wanted to know.

Hawk sighed. He wished he could help Jon but there wasn't anything he or anyone could do; especially when the whole team was hurting. He knew it was a little different for Jon, but they'd all loved her in their own way. They just hadn't been in love with her. They'd all heard Jennifer's dying words. She'd told Jon she loved him, and Hawk had gathered from Jon's actions that he'd never said it back to her. Jennifer had died not knowing how much Jon loved her. Hawk knew this was playing a huge part in Jon's reaction to her death.

He remembered the old saying that 'time heals all wounds', but he wasn't so sure this time.

"Hey, Hawk!" Sgt. Robert "Scout" Baker called from his post effectively dragging Hawk out of his dark thoughts.

"Yea, Rob. What's up?" He responded coming to stand behind the younger man.

"I just got off the radio with a tech at The Passages. They are in so many words demanding that we put in an appearance."

"Did they say why?"

"No. The guy said he was just told to pass along the message in the strongest possible terms that ALL of us needed to show up there and soon."

"Hmm. Are you sure it came from The Passages?" Matt queried.

"Yes, their security codes checked out. So what do we do?"

"I guess we tell the Captain. Have you seen him lately?"

"I passed him in the corridor about three hours ago. He was headed topside."

"Figures."

"Matt, can I ask you a personal question?"

"Sure."

"How long did it take you to start healing when you lost your wife?"

That was the last question Matt was expecting.

"Well, honestly, if you're wondering if I can give you a time frame for when the Captain will start acting like himself again. I can't. Joanna and I had been married for a long time, had a life, a family, and we knew that we loved each other. I know that when she died she knew I loved her, and I know she loved me. Jon doesn't have that luxury. Jennifer told him how she felt but he never got the chance to tell her so he's dealing not only with her loss but the regret of never having shared those feelings with her. Jennifer died never knowing that Jon loved her the way she loved him. It's a hell of a burden to have. I wish I could tell you that our Captain will return, but honestly I'm not sure he ever will."

"I was afraid of that, but we're all hurting here, Matt and he's moping around like he's the only who lost somebody. To be blunt, I'm beginning to wonder if he's even fit to lead this cell much longer if he keeps closing in on himself. Guilt is tough, I know. I've been there, but if he doesn't start to try to move on soon I don't see this going anywhere good."

"I know. I'll go talk to him. See if I can't knock some sense into him. Get the ship ready to go to The Passages. We need to find out what's up there. Let Tank know we're leaving in the hour."

"Should I let the Passages know we're coming?"

"Nah, just on the off chance that everything is not kosher, let's surprise them."

"Got it. Tank and I'll meet you at the jumpship in an hour."


Matt made his way out of the command center and back to his quarters to get his heavy coat and then made his way up to top observation post. Riding the elevator up, he plotted out his course of action. Right now on a good day Jon was just surly, on a bad day he was downright belligerent. Scout was right. Things needed to change. Jennifer wouldn't want Jon doing this to their family or himself.

The elevator stopped at the top of the post and Matt noticed the escape hatch was open again and Jon was sitting a little ways outside. "Damn fool. Out there like a sitting duck." Matt muttered to himself.

Matt climbed through the hatch and approached Jon. He wasn't being quiet so he knew Jon heard him, but he didn't react.

"Jon."

No response.

"Jon."

Again no response. That's it! He thought.

"Jon, we got a message from The Passages. They need us there for something. I told Scout and Tank to get the ship ready." And yet again Jon did not respond. Matt stormed right over to him.

"Jonathan Power, I know you're parents taught you better than this and Jennifer wouldn't want you doing this to yourself, now get your rear up and do your job!"

Jennifer's name finally got a reaction.

"HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE'D WANT? SHE'S DEAD!" Jon yelled back, the lid finally blowing.

"Because I knew her. I spent time with her, just like you. She would never have wanted you to do this yourself. You're destroying this team, our family. You seem to think you're the only one hurting, but you're not. We all lost someone here. Maybe we weren't in love with her but we all loved her, and its time you remembered that. I know exactly how you feel. You know I do, but this war doesn't stop because your heart is broken. Now, I've told Scout and Tank that we'll be leaving in an hour, and the message was ALL of us needed to show up so if you're not on the ship when we're ready I'll declare you unfit for command and have Tank forcibly strap you in." Matt finally finished having said his piece.

That almost got a smile out of Jon.

"I'll be there. Just give me a few more minutes." Jon replied quietly.

"Sure, Jon." Hawk said turning to leave. "Before I go, I know you're hurting but you gotta find a way to go on living without her."

"I know. I just don't know if I can do that." He responded quietly. Matt knew the conversation was over and left.

Jon was soon by himself again, sitting in the cold of the Arctic North. He knew Matt was right. He had a job to do, he just couldn't bring himself to care much anymore about anything, including himself. Maybe it was time for him to walk away. That idea appealed to him. Go somewhere where he wasn't reminded of Jennifer every time he turned a corner or boarded the jumpship.

Standing he realized he'd come to a decision. He'd go with the team to the Passages and from there he didn't know where he'd go, but somewhere far away. He had to leave, or lose what little was left of himself.


That's it for now. I'll update again soon! The next chapter is already in the works. KT