Disclaimer: I do NOT own Harry Potter. That magical world of wonder and excitement all belongs to the amazing and wonderful J.K Rowling. She is a gift and goddess to the literary world. Also I do not own Twilight.

Warnings: AU. Bad Language, I will run from canon and probably occasionally look back to make sure it's not behind me waiting to bite my ass. Kiddy vamp!Harry, Awesome Volturi. Not so awesome Edward and Bella, but not outright bashing. HP world will play little in this, might pop up like a jack in the box and scare you though.

Frankly, My Dear, I Don't Give A Prong

Bella groaned as the harsh sunlight forced its way through her curtains and into her eyes. She used to love the sun, but now she hated it. She wanted it to always be overcast because when it was sunny she couldn't see her Edward. Did nature have to be so cruel as to let the sun shine through? Couldn't it see her pain and keep those rays of light forever hidden so that she may see her beloved Edward at school? The sun… the sun… it locked her away in a tower of loneliness and pain; its golden beams became her iron bars, and its light a torture unlike any other. She hated the sun.

Thinking of Edward, Bella couldn't help wondering if this is what she was destined for, a vampire life filled with luxury? Well it would be if it weren't for those nasty Volturi people. Come on, did they really need to invade her life that? They were frustrating, annoying, and downright evil with their stupid plans to get her in trouble. If they weren't here she was sure that by now Charlie would have forgiven her and she could be marrying Edward and they would be riding into the sunset as two vampires deeply in love with eternity stretched out before them.

Bella sighed deeply at her thoughts longing for such a romantic moment to occur. There would be plenty of things leading up to it though, with her faking her death so that Charlie won't have to suffer the agony of thinking his daughter just disappeared, and getting the rest of the Cullen's on her side. Rosalie would be a lot of work, but Bella was sure that if she got Emmett endeared towards her just a little bit more than Rosalie would follow. Jacob would be sad at the start she knew, but he would overcome the pain and maybe sometime in the future she could come back and visit him. He was a good friend and had been there for her when Edward took off, she didn't want to completely lose him. But these were all thoughts and plans for later, as for right now she had to deal with Harry and Demetri.

Suddenly, a happy glorious wonderful thought struck Bella. Although she could not see her perfect Edward today, that also meant that she wouldn't have to deal with the Volturi. The sun would surely send the duo into hiding it and she would have her first headache free day in such a long time. The things she could do today without their interference! She could talk to Charlie and get him to revoke her grounding, and she could leave the house without a constant surveillance team.

Bella contently got out of bed and was walking towards her closet when she heard a knock on her door. Thinking it was probably Charlie coming to wake her up and inform her of the absence of the two pests, Bella opened the door with great expectations only to scream at the red eyes and long fangs that greeted her.

"Bells!" Charlie yelled as he came rushing to her, ready to defend her from any terror, only to stop in his track and laugh.

Instead of Charlie or some great beast, Harry stood on the other side of her door. His eyes were back to the vampire red they should be, his fangs were long, he wore a long black cape, but most importantly… he glittered, exposing his vampire status to Charlie. Bella just couldn't believe him.

"Harry, I told you not to bother Bella so early in the morning," Demetri lightly scolded as he stepped out their room. He too sparkled on a grand scale and Charlie took great amusement from it.

"What's this now? You both look like disco balls," said Charlie as he got himself under control.

Bella didn't know how the pair was going to answer.

Demetri gave a nervous laugh and Bella leaned further out her door to listen. Would he really tell the truth?

"We were doing a bit of art this morning…" Demetri trailed off. Harry giggled and ran into their room only to appear a moment later carrying a big sign covered in silver glitter stating 'Harry's Evil Lair!' Looking closer she could see a thick layer of silver arts and craft glitter coating Harry and Demetri's hair and bodies. Bella felt some her previous hopes being dashed. Damn those two were smart and cunning on a whole new level of evil.

"Evil Lair eh?" Charlie bent down and ruffled Harry's hair, causing a shower of glitter to rain down on the hallway carpet. "If you're evil than is Demetri the good guy?" Charlie asked.

Harry grinned, showing off his impressive fake fangs. "No, you're the good guy. Demetri is my minion."

Charlie chuckled again but Bella couldn't help glaring at the two. Honestly, Edward was in trouble for supposedly telling her about vampires but Harry and Demetri dropped hints after hints to her father and Aro was okay with this? But on the other hand she shouldn't expect the Volturi to follow their own rules when they already broke the immortal child law by keeping Harry alive.

"Harry wanted to have a Dracula movie marathon today, and the only proper way to hold such an event is to dress up," Demetri stated lightly. "We got the Dracula legacy collection on dvd and Charlie, I know you have the day off….Harry hoped you would join us."

Those evil bastards ruined her plans again. If they hogged Charlie all day then there was no way she could get her father to drop his ridiculous punishment.

"I would love to." There it was…the one sentence halted any and all plans Bella had to talk to her father alone.

"For one who has not lived even a single lifetime, you're a wise man, Van Swan," declared Harry dramatically followed by an evil laugh. Had Bella like children or Harry in general she may have found the laugh adorable, but since she didn't she could only think it was ominous.

"Van Swan?" Charlie sent a curious look at the little vampire.

"I'm Count Harry, like Count Dracula but with a biting sense of humour, and Dracula's enemy was Van Helsing, so you're Van Swan, the vampire hunter with an iron fist for justice," Harry explained theatrically as he flared his cape.

"Of course, that makes perfect sense," Charlie agreed playing along with the child. "You're Count Harry, I'm Van Swan, so Demetri is Demfield? Who is Bella?"

Harry scrunched up his nose in thought and Bella watched as her father's eyes actually softened at the sight. He was completely taken in by the pair. Bella didn't know how long she could take this. "Bella is…Frankenstein's monster," Harry stated seriously. "She is in the same universe as us but she never interacts with us, wanting to go off and do other things."

Bella gaped at the little vampire. She was a monster? A small part of her cheered at his words because she knew that Charlie would not stand for her being called a monster. Charlie would finally see how evil the little vampire was and then he would take her side. It was an overwhelming feeling to know that Harry finally messed up.

Charlie gave a great sigh and Bella felt her suspense growing. "I can see how you would think that Harry, so why don't we all try to get closer to Bella this weekend? We'll take a family trip somewhere alright?"

What? That's it? Harry called Bella a monster and he got a trip out of it? If Bella had called Harry a monster Charlie would be bending over backwards to scold her, probably lock her up again or set up another 'maternal' session with Rosalie. "He called me a monster and you're going to let that go?" Bella demanded answers.

Charlie shot her a disappointed look. "Bella, Harry is still a child he doesn't understand the effect of his words just yet. He only meant that you don't try hard enough to get to know them. Maybe, if you spent some time with them and actually put an effort into getting to know Harry and Demetri -instead of getting away from them- then you might find them to be decent company."

"I…I…" Bella didn't know what to say. She wanted to tell Charlie she would never enjoy either of the vampires company, but then she would be telling Charlie about vampires and that would be reason enough for the Volturi to kill her…

"Can we go to La Push tomorrow? Bella mentioned it before and me and Demetri have wanted to go, but if we went alone then we might not be welcomed or we could get lost…" Harry asked.

Bella froze. They couldn't go to La Push!

"Sure. I wouldn't mind spending the day with Billy Black. Bella can show you the cliffs and beach. She knows a few of the residents so she can introduce you." Charlie smiled, happy with the outcome, but Bella wasn't. Vampires were banned from the reserve.

Harry cheered before running off, his cape flaring behind him and Bella could only think that it suited him; Harry's evil little mind with an evil little cape and evil little plots hidden within it.

"Bella you better hurry up and get ready for school," Charlie snapped her from her thoughts. Bella sighed and turned back into her room, preparing for a long and excruciating day. Without her phone she could not warn Edward or Jacob about what was going to happen tomorrow. Sunny days truly were the worst sort of day in her opinion.

o.O.o

They had just crossed the reserve line and Bella could already feel the wolves angry growls vibrating through her body. They sensed the moment the two Volturi crossed into their territory and none of them were happy. Charlie didn't seem to notice as he sang along to the radio. The two vampires were sitting in the back, after Harry said he wanted to sit in the back of a police car, and Bella in the passenger seat, getting the full grunt of her father's poor singing.

They pulled into the Black's driveway and were greeted by Billy and what seemed to be the entire werewolf pack. "Quite the welcoming party, eh Bella?" Charlie joked as he turned off the car.

Bella didn't respond.

As they all exited the car, Harry was quick to bounce up to Charlie and grin. "You're a good singer Uncle Charlie! It was like a real live concert." Bella grimaced at his words. The stupid little suck-up.

Charlie smiled and ruffled the boy's hair, and another shower of glitter appeared.

"Charlie!" Billy Black cried. "When you said you were coming for a visit you didn't mention you were bringing some guests…" Billy trailed off.

Demetri stepped forward and ran a nervous hand through his hair. Bella didn't believe his act for a second. "Well we're more Bella's guests. Charlie wanted us to get along better and she always talks about La Push so she invited us here to look around."

Bella flinched as the pack's eyes turned to her and pierced her with accusing glares. Maybe she should just die. Run away, ask Edward to turn her, and together they could just leave Forks, and Washington, start a life somewhere else where the Volturi couldn't destroy her life anymore. Maybe Vatican City… surely all the spiritual and Holy like qualities of the city would turn away the Volturi, their evil being unable to approach such a sacred place. Edward would be fine though, because Edward was all that was most right with the world.

"You kids get to know each other, Billy why don't we go inside and have a beer," Charlie spoke up. Unknowingly leaving her in dangerous waters.

Billy tentatively nodded his head, "Right this way Charlie."

Once her father was inside Bella became hyper aware of her situation. There was a large pack of snarling ready to change werewolves, two sadistic vampires, and Bella standing in the middle. Keeping herself calm, Bella turned towards the two grinning incarnations of evil and asked them simply, "Why do you torment me?" She had a right to ask that, didn't she?

Harry dropped his smile and in moment of pure seriousness stared Bella in the eye. "It's what we do."

That sealed it. She was done with this. She had tried to ignore it, she had tried to keep him safe, but she was at her limit. She needed them gone. She was standing at the edge of cliff with the Volturi ready to push her and she couldn't take it! She will give them what they wanted.

"Jacob told me the Cullen's were vampires!" She declared. It felt nice, like a weight off her chest to admit it out loud.

"Bella!" Jacob yelled as an abundance of noise blasted around her.

"Jacob!" The pack cried but the loudest voice and the most menacing was Sam.

"Jacob Black you didn't!" The Alpha male roared as she advanced on her friend.

This is what the Volturi brought, complete and utter chaos.

Bastards.


I decided to play a little game. I have subtly hidden 6 movie references in this chapter; let's see who can find them. There may be more by coincidence, but there's 6 I actively put in.

Bad Joke of The Day:

Q: Why did the vampire's lunch give him heartburn?

A: It was a stake sandwich.