Disclaimer: I do NOT own Harry Potter. That magical world of wonder and excitement all belongs to the amazing and wonderful J.K Rowling. She is a gift and goddess to the literary world. Also I do not own Twilight.
Warnings: AU. Bad Language, I will run from canon and probably occasionally look back to make sure it's not behind me waiting to bite my ass. Kiddy vamp!Harry, Awesome Volturi. Not so awesome Edward and Bella
Out Of The Prongs
"Well that only took forever. I felt like we were stuck in that town for years!" Felix complained as their car pulled up to the airport. "Did anyone else feel like this whole thing just dragged on? We should send an apology to Aro for taking so long. It felt like we've been in limbo for five years. Right?"
"I admit, there were times where I thought this charade would never end. Those Cullen's, they are something else," Demetri answered. "We will turn her, we won't turn her, we will turn her, we won't turn her. They made such a simple choice seem like life or death…. Well… it was, but she would have only died a little."
"When you live with humans so long you pick up their bad habits. You start to care about those miniscule details like morals and continuity. This is why they should have turned her at the start. I feel like it could have saved us so much time, like 4 novels and 5 movies worth of time," Felix ranted. " 'Oh Bella, I'm a vampire'," Felix pitched his voice to mimic Edward and Bella.." 'Oh my sweet salty knickers!' 'I love you, Bella. Your blood makes my heart sing, cause I'm a wild thing.' 'Oh Edward, please turn me and turn my dull boring human life into a never-ending rerun of mind-numbing blank stares into the distance.' "
"Felix, I think you've been here too long," Demetri broke into Felix's no doubt Academy award winning performance. Although, Harry vaguely thought that Edward's voice sounded like Elvis Presley with marshmallows in his cheeks and Bella was a Southern Belle with the husky sound of a smoker. Felix should probably work on those.
Harry hummed in agreement as he licked his fingers clean from Bella's blood. Felix had never been good with being bored. Harry was surprised he lasted this long in Forks. Once, they were in Thailand and they got trapped in their hotel room for a number of days because some Chinese deal they were haggling went wrong, and Felix got so bored that he started to carve a tunnel into the floor to escape. The hotel staff and the people staying in the room below them were quite surprised when Felix came falling through the roof and landed on their bucket of champagne and chocolate. The poor almost engaged couple had been in hysterics and Felix hadn't been able to walk straight for a week. "Should we check the cameras? They had to have turned her by now." Maybe seeing Bella's fate would perk up his friend.
Demetri smiled at him. "We will once we get on the plane. I know Alec is anxious to see you," he responded. Demetri opened the door and grabbed Harry before he could start floating around.
At the mention of his friend, Harry popped up like a Meer cat. He forgot that Alec said he was coming to get him. "Do you think he will like his souvenir?" If it wasn't for Demetri's arm around his waist, he would surely be flying over the airport, desperately trying to get to the plane first. He really hoped his friend like the gift he brought him. It had been hard but with a lot of innocent charm and some more rumors, Harry had managed to convince Edward's fangirls to photo-shop him into various hilarious positions. One he was a cat stuck in a tree crying out for help, and another he was a circus elephant on a unicycle juggling all his rumored lovers. Jessica and Jacob were scowling, but Bella was blank faced because, even with photo-shop no one could give her an expression.
They managed to slip through the airport quickly. With all their money it was easy to have their own jet, and bypass most security on the way to it. As soon as the aircraft was in sight, Harry began to squirm.
"Alec!" he cried. "Alec, come out of the plane and see me!"
Slowly, because he knew his friend was a jerk and was probably taking his time to open it tiny inch by inch, the door began to open. When there was an opening big enough, Harry squirmed out of Demetri's arms and took off. He jumped through the gap and tackled his friend to the floor. "Alec," he cried!
The blonde gave him a flat look. "I see you still haven't learned any manners since you've been away," the teenager pointed out.
Harry giggled as he latched himself on to his friend and refused to let go. "Alec, you missed so much. There was this one time that we were having afternoon tea and we put laxatives into the cream and then we had the werewolves eat them. They were so trusting and they really shouldn't have since we are enemies but they ate the food anyways and then I heard later that the grocery store in town almost ran out of toilet paper because they were all going through so much. So then the store there had to make an extra big order of toilet paper the next week but on the way we sabotaged the truck and we put itching powder all over the paper and everyone who bought the toilet paper had itchy bums for a week! They didn't figure it out at all! They are so silly. Even Charlie, the police chief we were staying with had an itchy bum and he kept complaining and he changed his laundry detergent and blamed the 'damn company always trying to find a cheaper option and running a good thing'."
Alec firmly put a hand over his mouth to stop him talking. "I know. I heard everything you did on the hundreds of messages you left me." Harry pouted. He just wanted to tell his friend everything exciting that happened. It was so much better to hear it now because Harry had time to come up with even more exciting details to share. "You will have the whole plane ride home to talk my ear off. For now, I believe everyone would like an update to the Cullen situation."
Alec finally stood up from the floor and carried Harry to a seat. This finally gave Demetri and Felix the opportunity to enter the plane. The firs tthing the pair did was greet the three new comers.
"Japser, Rosalie, Emmett, I hope you got here without any problems," Demetri greeted in his own way.
Rosalie sniffed and started to inspect her nails. "It was hardly a challenge. If we can't even make it to the airport in time, how will we be of any us in the Volturi?"
Felix laughed. "True. I would hate to kill you since Harry did a get attached."
Emmett grinned as he decided to join the conversation. "Let's not talk about such depressing things. I hear we have a video to watch!"
Harry cheered as best he could with a hand over his mouth- it came out very muffled. They were finally getting to the good stuff. It had been a very long time coming, and the conclusion of their mission to Forks was just moments away. Bella's blood still lingered on his tongue making the moment even sweeter as he tried to tug Alec towards the television to get everything started.
Once everyone took their seats, including Emmett whose very large frame took extra time to fit into the small airplane seats, Alec turned on the television that was connected to a camera they left at the Cullen house. It recorded everything since this morning.
They watched the whole breakfast show to the end, seeing even more reactions than previous. At one point Seth and Embry had even applauded one of Felix's bad jokes. Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett were silent when Carlisle made his choice. They didn't seem surprised, but there was still an air of sadness to them. It must be hard to know that your sire stopped caring for you. Harry didn't know that pain, Demetri was always taking the very best care of him, but he could imagine it would hurt. He silently applauded the three for remaining so stoic through the whole thing.
Unfortunately, Alec's hand was still covering Harry's mouth, stopping the phenomenal commentary he had running through his head. He was positive that if his words were allowed to escape, they would have surely cheered up the three. In his experience, there was nothing a good joke or funny story couldn't help. And he had a lot of funny stories to share.
Finally they reached the climax. Harry bit Bella's neck in two, dropped her, and the Cullen's swarmed like a pack of termites onto a piece of tasty wood. As they were escaping, Carlisle was cradling Bella and pumping his venom into her. It sounded very dirty without the video evidence of the good clean wholesome vampire turning happening on screen. Sam roared, shifted, and then attacked the Cullen's. Alice and Esme tried to fight the wolves off, and Carlisle made a run for it. When the doctor apparently made it clear of the danger zone, the others took off after him. The wolves howled and took chase. Once everyone was off screen, they turned the television off.
"I think that was the perfect conclusion. It doesn't matter if Bella survives, we forced Carlisle to make a choice and now she won't be a liability anymore," Demetri said with a large smile. "Overall I think it was a job well done."
Harry slumped back against Alec. With Demetri's words, it felt like all the adrenaline he was running on since he got to Forks evaporated from his body. He was tired, lethargic, and just wanted to have a nice quiet journey back to Italy. Alec, being the kind vampire he was, finally took his hand away so he could speak.
"Can we go home now? I miss my room," he whined.
"Of course we can," Demetri reassured him.
Harry smiled at his words and turned to snuggle more into Alec. Maybe he would close his eyes and pretend to sleep. He liked to pretend to sleep. It was like being human without the commitment.
"I'll tell the pilot we are ready to go," Felix spoke from the other end of the plane.
The plane engines just started to turn when a loud ringing sounded from Demetri's pocket. Harry opened his eyes to see Demetri reading something from his phone. "Lovely," Demetri muttered. "I installed one of those police radio apps. It was just updating me that a number of people from Forks are reporting a large wolf pack running through the town. They claim to have seen one catch and eat Alice Cullen. I'm terribly sorry Jasper, but it seems your mate has perished. They also said they saw a bloody Bella Swan being saved by Carlisle Cullen. Well it seems Carlisle will have his perfect little family with just the four of them. Edward also escaped. Well not all stories can have happy endings. Shall we take off then?"
Harry closed his eyes and let his thoughts leave him. Jasper would be okay. He was a soldier after all. No, the three Cullen's would fit nicely into Volterra.
"I should have mentioned this before but Aro has asked that we stop by in England before returning home" Alec spoke quietly. It's not like they had to talk loudly- they had super awesome vampire hearing after all. "He said the country is in desperate need of some pest control and well… Felix is the best."
"Then to England we go."
Bad Jokes of The day
Q: Was Dracula ever married?
A: No he's a bat-chelor.
Q: What does a weight-conscious vampire drink?
A: Blood Light.
Q: What did the teacher say to Dracula after he failed his math test?
A: Can't you count Dracula!
Q: Which vampire ate the three bears porridge ?
A: Ghouldilocks !
Q: What flavour ice cream is Dracula's favourite ?
A: Veinilla !
A/N: And with that, the story ends.