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WHERE I STOOD


by saresare

A birthday fic for the amazing stephanieella96! Included are many virtual spider-shaped cupcakes just because I'm evil. :D

^ FanFiction keeps deleting the arrow to make the smiley face look evil. D:

Everyone should spam Steph with happy birthday messages until her inbox explodes ;D

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing.
(I would love to have done a FanVid to this song, but I have neither the resources or the time to do it, so a SongFic had to suffice.)

RATING: K+

STATUS: One-shot birthday fic
Song:
Where I Stood by Missy Higgins
A/N:
A couple of lyric pieces have skipped a line.

SPOILERS:
Episode 3.3, 3.5


I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run

Jenny glanced back at the building, trying to quell the pain in her heart. She gripped the steering wheel tighter, edging her knuckles with white. With a resolute sigh, she forced herself to focus on the road, and resist the urge to watch the ARC fade in the rear-view mirror.

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering

Nick was dead. The man she'd grown to loathe, the man she'd grown to love.

That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

She wasn't even sure who she was anymore, or moreover, who she was supposed to be. This job had turned her world upside down. Dinosaurs. Time travel. Claudia Brown.

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should

Claudia Brown. How she hated that name. If her alternate-universe doppelganger had never existed, would her and Nick have had a chance? Would things be different?

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should

She was so sick of him looking at her and seeing Claudia; everything was comparative to what Claudia would've done. She could see the pain in his eyes when he saw her, could witness the nostalgia as he remembered he would never get his Claudia back.

"Apparently he used to like some girl that looked like me, well, according to him actually was me, just living in a different evolutionary timeline, so now I don't know if he likes her or me or the version of her in me or whether in fact it's just the same thing."

Connor had told her what Nick's final words were. He loved Claudia, not her.

'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

Her previous life was lost forever, a life she never even knew she'd had, and it made Jenny feel lost.

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right

She'd finally realised, and accepted, that she loved the professor, just as Claudia had loved him, and that maybe he might feel the same way … toward her. But when she'd finally brought herself to tell him, it was too late.

But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

It had killed both of them in the end, but she'd been lucky – or unlucky – enough to have been brought back. Facing the fungus creature, she could only think of one thing. Nick. Nick will save me ... No he's not, he's gone. My god, Nick, where the hell are you?

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should

She could have sworn that when the cold claimed her, she'd seen him again. Those piercing blue eyes. The blonde hair grown long, in desperate need of a haircut. Raised eyebrows and knowing smirk. Her Nick Cutter was back. She called for him, but then Abby was there, reminding her that he was dead.

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should

She'd told him not to go back in for Helen, dammit! She'd practically begged him! But he didn't listen to her; she couldn't convince him. Could Claudia have convinced him? Would he have listened to Claudia? Probably. Jenny was certain that, if Claudia still stood in her place, Nick would not have gone back.

'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

Had Jenny been supposed to die? Was the universe trying to rid its timeline mistake? Maybe she wasn't supposed to exist? There were so many unanswered questions, so much that was too confusing, too raw, too painful. There was only one person in the world she could talk to about it, and it was he that had caused it, and he that was gone.

You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

That's why she had pushed open the ARC double doors for the last time. She wasn't Claudia Brown, not anymore. She was Jennifer Lewis. And staying at the ARC, with all its memories and its wonder, well, that was too much for her to bear any longer.

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should

Claudia Brown belonged at the ARC. She didn't. Claudia Brown belonged with Nicholas Cutter … she didn't.

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should

She stopped by the cemetery on her way out. After a few minutes of staring at his resting place, letting the finality of everything sink in, with her hair whipping about and a tear staining her cheek, she removed the torn and taped photo from her pocket and placed it on his grave.

'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood