A/N:So I want to try something different. This is something I've wanted to try doing for a while now. It's not an original idea obviously. I hope that it's not to like others that I've read. I hope that it's entertaining though. Hopefully you like it and I can keep writing more of these. This first one might not be the best since I don't usually write like this. I hope you enjoy it though, if you like it...REVIEW!
Chapter 1:They're so annoying, un.
It was around noon on an extremely hot day. All the Akatsuki were gathered on a medium sized stage where they sat on high stools in the back. They were lined up in this order from right to left: Deidara, Sasori, Tobi, Kakuzu, Hidan, Kisame, Itachi, Zetsu, Orochimaru, Konan, and Pein.
They were all gathered to speak on stage about their daily life as part of Akatsuki. It had been Pein's idea. He wanted everyone try and work out differences by listening to what other's had to say about each other. Granted, he didn't think it would work, but he knew that it would at least be a hell of a show for anyone who came to watch them speak.
Pein was in charge of the event, so when the seats in the room were mostly filled, he walked to the microphone at the front of the stage and started to speak. "Welcome everyone. Today us Akatsuki members will talk about our daily life. Everybody stay seated, keep you mouths shut, and watch. First up is Deidara," Pein said before handing the microphone to Deidara.
There were numerous mumbles heard across the room. "That's it?" some said about Pein's intro. Others were questioning the blonde that had sat on the stool at the front of the stage. "That's the one that everyone says is a girl, right," someone asked the person beside them. Unfortunately, Deidara heard the comment and was about to blow him up, but was stopped by a loud cough from Pein.
Deidara stared into the crowd of whispering people, waiting for it to stop. He watched, giving them a colder death glare each moment that passed. Since the talking wouldn't stop, Deidara thought he'd shut them up himself.
"Everybody shut your damn mouths before I blow this whole place up, un!" Deidara warned, showing the mouth that was sewn shut on his chest through his cloak and shirt.
The crowd went deathly silent as everyone stopped talking and stared at Deidara.
"Thank you, un," he said, perfectly composed. "Well, I guess I'll just get straight to what we're all here for." He paused to make sure no one was going to say anything.
"Okay then. To start, living with the Akatsuki is like living in hell. The reasons for that being they all still question my sex, even though they've seen me without a shirt on-"
"Maybe you're just a flat chested tranny!" Tobi yelled at his senpai. "Maybe you're a man up there and a women down there!" he yelled as he pointed at Deidara's chest and then the place where his said manhood would be.
"Tobi! Shut your annoying fucking mouth! You know very well that I am not half woman, un!" Deidara yelled at the masked freak.
"I do! But they don't!" Tobi giggled.
Some people in the crowd started to giggle as members of the Akatsuki laughed. This infuriated Deidara to no end. He found one unlucky laughing soul and was about to blow her up, but just as before, Pein stopped him.
"Everybody shut you perverted mouths the hell up!" he hissed. "Me and Tobi are partners in crime, and we do not participate in any kind of sexual behavior, un!"
There were a few more giggles from the crowd before they saw Deidara pulling his cloak down again. They all shut up.
"Deidara, don't say the words sexual behavior again. It doesn't sound right coming from you," Kakuzu said quietly to him from behind.
"It doesn't sound to great coming from you either," he replied before calmly looking back to the crowd.
"If you do that again, Tobi or people in front of me, someone's getting blown up," he warned.
The crowd went eerily silent again. Deidara nodded in approval.
"Okay. Now back to how Tobi would know I am a man. As I said, we are partners in crime. Therefore, when we are sent on a mission together, we obviously have to take potty breaks, un."
There were a couple giggles from behind. Deidara gave his fellow Akatsuki members a death glare and then returned to talking.
"I am not saying that we watch each other piss, but I'm pretty sure he would know that I have guy parts if I don't have to squat and sometimes I like to pretend that my dick is a hose."
The giggling started again. "It's true! He does!" Tobi shouted happily.
There were laughs heard from the crowd and behind.
"What the fuck, man? You don't have to fucking tell us all of this!" Hidan attempted to yell at Deidara through his laughter.
"Everybody shut the hell up before I make one of you explode, un!" Deidara threatened again.
The crowd went silent again and the giggles from behind started to subside. "As I was saying before Tobi rudely interrupted me earlier, these psychos don't seem to believe that I am 100% a male."
"Prove it!" shouted a girl from the back of the crowd.
"I don't think so!" Deidara yelled back at her. "If I could see you, I'd kill you right now." There was silence. "Okay, now that we're done with that, I have to say that they don't understand art whatsoever."
"You don't understand art whatsoever," Sasori said to him.
"Don't bother me now, danna, un." Deidara stood up from the stool he was sitting on and began to pace across the stage.
"See, danna here believes that art will last forever. I think that art is a fiery blast that-" Deidara said but was cut off by Sasori.
"Your look on art is pathetic. If it doesn't last forever, then it's not anything worthy of being called art," he told Deidara.
"No more interruptions! Your look on art is pathetic! There's no excitement in something that sits still for a thousand years. Art is a blast, un. Art should last for a couple of loud, fiery seconds, if that!" Deidara said as he crossed his arms, still pacing.
"Sasori danna's artwork is nothing but a bunch of boring, unmoving, ugly puppets. There's no meaning to that." He paused and sat back down on his stool.
"My look on art is the only true one. Everybody else in this stupid ass organization seems to think it's just a nuisance, un. Pein seems to think it's stupid because "every time" I decide to be artistic, something gets blown up or ruined. Kakuzu doesn't like my artwork because he doesn't like to pay to replace the things my beautiful art has ruined."
Deidara looked out into the crowd and smiled smugly. "Anything," he paused, "or anyone," he paused again, "that is blown up by my artwork is worthy of praise because it was worthy enough to be destroyed by my art, un."
"Okay, Deidara. What the hell are you talking about? Anything that you blow up is worthy of being dumped in the trash or being fed to Zetsu," Kisame said to his fellow Akatsuki member.
"Mmmmm, Deidara, maybe you should blow someone up. I skipped breakfast today because nobody woke me up after you blew my damn clock to bits," Zetsu said.
"No more god damned interruptions please! I told you all my art is looked down upon."
"Because it's not art," Sasori butt in.
"Shut the fuck up, danna," Deidara told the puppeteer.
The crowd looked as though they were getting bored of the discussion on what real art was. Taking notice to this, Deidara decided to move on. This wasn't supposed to be a rant.
"Moving on. Overall, everyone in this damned organization is a total lunatic! Now, I will tell you all some of my reasons for thinking this, un," Deidara said to the crowd that started to look interested again.
"We'll start with my current partner, Tobi." Deidara paused. "This man, is the most fucked up in the head, un. To start, he looks like a damn lollipop because of the stupid mask."
There were sniffles coming behind Deidara.
"He never shuts up. His voice is annoying. He seems to not be able to die. I swear, he can't be killed. I've tried. I can't even say how many times I've tried to give him a death by explosion."
There were small cries coming from the masked man now. Deidara noticed and decided to be nice before he went into a total fit and drowned everyone in the room.
"But, I must say. Even he has his good moments. He is my partner and I can't just lose him, or I'll be screwed, un."
This made the sniffling lighten up.
"Now to the old partner, Sasori danna. He doesn't understand my art and he thinks I'm inferior to him. His art approaches are hilarious. They suck, un."
Just then, Tobi jumped on top of Sasori and started to hug him. "It's okay Sasori! He loves us! Don't let him brainwash you!"
The puppet boy tried to get the masked idiot off of him. "Let go of me Tobi. You're causing a scene."
"But Tobi loves you!" Tobi said as he sat on Sasori's lap, face to face, and opened his arms for another hug. Sasori took this as a chance to get him off of his lap, so he quickly punched Tobi in the chest and sent him flying onto the floor.
"Stop it! I can't talk for more than 3 minutes, un!" Deidara yelled at the two as Tobi sat back down.
"I'm sorry senpai! Tobi is a good boy!"
"Good boy my ass..." Deidara mumbled.
"Okay, now to Kakuzu. He's a cheap bastard. Sometimes it helps, like when he forces people in the stores to give us discounts, but other times it's annoying."
Deidara paused and took out a one dollar bill from his pocket. He looked back at Kakuzu smugly. "Watch this, un," he ordered the crowd.
"Oh no, please not that," Kakuzu was mumbling.
Deidara threw the dollar bill onto the ground and made a tiny clay bird with the mouths in his hands. He showed the bird off to everyone in the room. Then he stared at Kakuzu with a twisted smile and let the bird fly around a little before it made a dive at the dollar bill.
Kakuzu jumped clumsily from his stool and caught his leg in the pegs, toppling onto his face. That barely slowed him down though. Without a second to spare, Kakuzu jumped at the money on the floor and grabbed it just as the bird was about to hit it.
Instead of hitting the money, the bird went straight towards Kakuzu's face as exploded on contact. Kakuzu was thrown backwards into the last few stools, knocking Pein, Konan, and Orochimaru over.
Pein stood up from the floor and gave Deidara an icy stare that made shivers go through everyone's spines. He helped Konan up and pushed Orochimaru back down with his foot as he tried to get up. "Don't do that again," Pein warned Deidara.
Deidara gulped. "Sorry, leader." He smiled cowardly.
"Dumbass," Sasori muttered at him.
Deidara glared at his old partner in crime and then looked at the crowd. They were stifling laughter, scared to anger the ginger that was the leader of the fearsome Akatsuki. Deidara smiled smugly.
"I guess you all enjoyed that. I knew you would," he said as he looked at Kakuzu who was curled up on the ground kissing the slightly burnt money. Part of his mask was burnt off, showing a piece of his sewn mouth.
"See, he's a total cheap ass. And his partner is even worse, un. He's not cheap, but all he talks about is his damn god, Jashin. Almost every day he tries one of us to convert. The damn bastard once tried to use me as a sacrifice when I made him a little mad," Deidara exclaimed.
"You blew up half of my fucking room! I had a shit load of Jashin shit over there, fucktard!" Hidan yelled angrily.
"So he tried to sacrifice me to his god." Deidara smiled at the disturbed crowd. "If it wasn't for Kakuzu, I guess, it would have worked."
"On to the next. Itachi is quiet. Too quiet, un. When he doesn't feel like talking all he says is 'hn'. It's really annoying, un," Deidara started.
"Why don't you tell them about how you joined Akatsuki," Orochimaru suggested.
"Shut it, Oro, un. I was getting to that." There was a pause. "I was forced by Itachi. He used his fucking sharingan on me in our fight and won. So I had to join. But thanks to that fateful event, I now have this cool thingy for my eye, un," Deidara said as he moved the hair over his left eye to show the metal that was there.
"It allows me to do plenty of other things a normal eye can't do, one of those things being protect me from that damn sharingan."
"This is getting really boring!" a short man yelled from the front row.
Deidara glared at him and in an instant flung a clay bird at him that had obviously been prepared earlier and was hidden under his cloak. The man burnt to a crisp, but didn't disappear. The people around him gasped in shock and pain as they were hit with some of the flames. "I can't eat that," Zetsu muttered unhappily.
"I bet you didn't think I would do it! But ha! I proved you wrong! Now who else wants some, un?" he screamed into the crowd.
Everybody stayed silent and waited for him to go on. "Well, I guess since I seem to be boring you I'll just pass the microphone on soon. After I explain why I can't stand everyday life with fish boy and man eater over there, un."
Kisame looked annoyed. "I am not a god damn fish," he mumbled. "I eat people because they taste good," Zetsu's dark side said.
"Fish boy likes to take long baths. Me, Tobi, Itachi and fish boy share a bathroom, un. I've caught him in there playing with his little bath toys," Deidara said.
"That's not gay or anything," Kisame said sarcastically.
"Don't test me, fish boy. I'm in a bad mood, un." There was a pause. "When we're in our pool he likes to tip me off of my raft sometimes. He likes to pretend he's a shark."
"That's because he is one!" Tobi yelled.
"Shut up. Zetsu eats people. When he's hungry he's testy. When he's testy and hungry, he'll try to eat anything in his path that's living, un. That includes us Akatsuki members."
"Hidan's been slacking off on his sacrifices. Sorry," Zetsu replied.
"Now, Orochimaru left a while ago and I never liked him. He's just an annoying pedophile, un. Konan and Pein are the only two I don't mind. In short, everyone in Akatsuki is annoying except for Pein and Konan and they make daily living hell. Maybe Sasori danna can better explain things, un," Deidara said as he made his way towards his old partner and gave him the microphone.
"Good luck with the crowd of idiots," Deidara mumbled to him.
"I don't need your luck. You just have no people skills whatsoever."
"Says the antisocial puppet," Deidara replied.
Sasori ignored his come back and walked to the stool in the front of the stage. He sat down and stared for a few moments. The crowd was still, and seemed to be waiting for him to speak. Sasori turned back to Deidara. "See, I'm already more of a hit with them than you were," he mumbled to him.
Deidara crossed his arms and pouted, remembering the comments people had made when he first came out about him looking like a girl.
"I forget! Did I mention Sasori's a real puppet!" he yelled at the crowd. A few moments later, the information seemed to set in and people were now asking each other perverted questions about Sasori.
Okay. I don't know how I feel about this first one. I'm going to try to incorporate more actual stories about their lives next time. This just popped into my mind, so I wanted to do it and see how it came out. I think this is overall good though. Reviews sound cool...