Chapter 7: I'm normal

A/N: Already got another update. This chapter is interesting. I don't have anything to say except have fun reading and review if you liked.

"No! It's just you!" the man yelled.

"What do you mean?" Zetsu asked the man.

"What's up with your head and face and stuff?!" the guy asked, horrified.

"I…don't…know…" Zetsu said, perplexed. "There's nothing wrong with me, just like there's nothing wrong with Kisame or Sasori."

"But you look like a plant, and half of you is black," he said.

"Shut the fuck up you little rat," the black side of Zetsu said to the man.

"Oh. I get it. The white is the good and the black is the bad side!" The man said.

"Whoopdie fucking doo, smartass. Want a flesh cookie?" black Zetsu said. "Sorry, just ignore that side if you can," white Zetsu added. "Fuck you," black said to white.

White Zetsu sighed. He had hoped that this would go smoothly, quickly, painlessly. But of course the evil half of him had to become a devil during his performance and verbally attack the audience. It was going to be very long for him. Black Zetsu was going to have some fun today.

"Why must you do this to me?" white said to black. No answer.

"Well then, I guess I'll start now. I currently have no partner in this organization, so I deal with each member on missions. I can actually split my body and make clones, so I can go on every mission if I want to," white Zetsu started.

"I would say it's a good thing, considering the fact that most of the people in this organization are stupid cuntbags," black Zetsu concluded.

"What the fuck Zetsu," Deidara said.

"That's hurtful, man," Orochimaru added.

"Shut the fuck up you creep," Deidara spat at Orochimaru.

"Oh my," Tobi said aloud. "Black Zetsu is going to be a bad boy today. But Tobi is always a good boy. Tobi is a good boy," he said happily.

"Tobi is a very horrible, stupid, idiotic, retarded, moronic-" with every word Tobi's visible eye grew wetter and closed further.

"crazy cuntbad muff cabbage, shitload of aboy," Zetsu said.


"It's okay Tobi, I didn't mean it," white Zetsu said. "I think I've got the other side under control for now." Everyone turned from Tobi to Zetsu, who was standing half bent to the right side, holding the black side of his face tightly.

Pein came back on stage with ghost eyed Kisame and Itachi. He looked at the front of the stage, sighed, and face palmed. "How'd you break him this time?" Pein asked, referring to the sobbing Tobi who had a puddle surrounding his stool.

"My devilish half said he wasn't a good boy," Zetsu said.

"He said more than that," Deidara spoke up. "He called him a horrible, stupid, idiotic, retarded, moronic, crazy cuntbag muff cabbage, shitload of a boy," he specified, mocking the differences in each side of Zetsu's voice.


"Tobi! Get backstage now!" Pein yelled and Tobi ran offstage crying. "You're all like children!"

Zetsu continued to stand awkwardly at the front of the stage. "You may carry on Zetsu," Pein said.

"Ok. So Tobi is a good boy but very sensitive. However, our fighting techniques mix well. So do mine and Deidara's if he chooses to cooperate," Zetsu said.

"Your style isn't art. I refuse to cooperate," Deidara stated.

"Me and Sasori never really got along too well because I always got to the dead bodies before he could make them into puppets," Zetsu said, making the audience cringe.

"I eat human flesh. It's not that big of a deal. It's a better way to dispose of bodies than burying them," he concluded.

"That's fucking disgusting," Sasori muttered. "Making them into summoning puppets is an even more useful way of body disposal."

"Nobody cares!" black Zetsu burst out again.

"Fuck you," Sasori muttered back.

"Continuing, Pein is a great leader and Konan is a great bitch for Pein," Zetsu said.

"I thought you said you had that half under control!" Pein screamed at him.

"I'm trying," Zetsu stated. "Kakuzu and Hidan are a great team, and Hidan gives me useless bodies to eat after he makes his sacrifices. I love working with those two zombies."

"You love working with the freaks," Deidara said.

"Kisame is like me, different," Zetsu ignored Deidara, "and Itachi is just misunderstood."

The audience was actually enjoying themselves for once. Nobody was scared right now. It was just funny. A younger kids, only about ten years old, thought something about this one was particularly funny.

"Hey! Mr. Zetsu, you are weird just like the fish man! You're so funny looking! And the best part is that you think you're normal!" the kid yelled at the stage.

Zetsu looked at the child, one side pondering why the kid thought that way, another speculating the way he was going to eat the poor boy after taking his life.

"I'm no different than you are, and neither is Kisame. We may look different, but we have feeling and looooooove to eat just like you," Zetsu said to the child.

The poor kid just flinched away, thinking it not in his best interests to open his mouth again. This guy definitely wasn't as scary looking as some of the other members, but he sure had a mouth on him. And what was up with that dark side?

"Lastly," Zetsu continue on, "Orochimaru…he…ummm…is a disgusting, creepy ass who wants to rape Itachi but can't because his power does not compare to that of the Uchiha bloodline."

"THAT IS NOT TRUE!" Orochimaru yelled. "I just wanted his body-"

"So you could fuck his brains out whenever you felt like it," black Zetsu finished for him.


"Dat Uchiha shlong," white Zetsu burst out.

"Umm, what the hell Zetsu? That's just weird, un," Deidara said.

"How?" white Zetsu asked, attempting to mock his dark side.

"Because clearly you are speaking as your good half, yet you are trying to play it off as though you hadn't said anything about Itachi's dick. It's just not cool man," Pein broke in. "It's really weird, actually."

"I'm not weird," Zetsu replied. "That wasn't me, I swear," he said, sticking to his story.

"Sure it wasn't," Pein grumbled into his palm. "Just go on."

"Well, I'm pretty sure I've spoken about each member. Does the audience have any questions for me?" Zetsu asked towards the crowd.

"How in God's name do you even exist?" a viewer yelled to him.

"I'm just a person," Zetsu said.

"But you're half white and half black. That's not possible. That color of black shouldn't even exist on a human," the person stated.

"Well, I am a person. My mother told me I was," Zetsu said. "It's not your goddamn business anyway."

"Was your mother a person," an elderly woman asked.

"Yes, and she was an overbearing bitch, too, but she's dead now," Zetsu answered.

"Was she your biological mother?" another woman asked.


"Then how do you know you're a real person and not one of Orochimaru's creepy ass experiments produced in a lab full of rejects?" Konan asked Zetsu. She, like all the other Akatsuki, did not have any bone in her body that liked Orochimaru. Not even those pointless tiny ones in her ear.

"Because my mother said so…"

"Well she could have lied…" Kisame told Zetsu.

"Like you're one to talk, you two faced bastard," black Zetsu spit. "Mother never lied."

"How would you know, un?" Deidara asked.

"Because everything she ever told me is correct. We were only together for about two months, but she loved me like a son. She told me to always water my body because it would keep me healthy. She told me that eating plenty would make me grow strong and keep me happy and overall help me in my everyday life. Eating definitely helps me in this organization. Also, she always stressed how important eating meat was, and that's why I fucking killed and ate the bitch!:" black Zetsu finished.

Every person in the entire room stared at Zetsu, each with a shocked face, mouth drooping wide open. Tobi, who had decided to come back on stage during Zetsu's little speech, started wailing again as he ran back and forth on the stage.

"Zetsu is a bad boy! He killed his mother! Why would he do such a thing?! Why would good Zetsu do it?!" Tobi was yelling, clearly upset about the issue.

"I didn't do it, Tobi! It was bad Zetsu who did it! I'm sorry," white Zetsu yelled overtop the crying. "Zetsu is a good boy still!"

"Zetsu is a very bad boy! Zetsu eats humans! He killed his mother!" Tobi continued.

"Alright. That's enough!" Pein screamed. "Zetsu, get off the stage, now! Take care of Tobi," he commanded.

"I'll try," Zetsu said as he handed the microphone to Itachi, who was supposed to go before him but had to be punished instead.

Itachi slowly stood up as Zetsu struggled to hold on to the terrified Tobi. "Quit squirming, fucker," black Zetsu said, only causing the idiot to cry and struggle harder while calling him a bad boy.

It was finally Itachi Uchiha's turn. The one they had all been waiting for.

A/N: Hope you enjoyed this one. It was kind of fun to write, but I really can't wait to do the next chapter. Review please :)