Mental dairy initiated. Date: 00.
It started so quickly.
"I thought you lowed me!"
"I do love you, thtupid! She's the one flirting with me! I'm jutht trying to be friendly tho she doethn't kill both of uth!"
I never thought it would end like this.
We had fought before, using our separate forces, but neither of us really wanted to kill the other. It was just to get our overwhelming anger out so we didn't actually kill anyone.
Today is different.
Today my body matures, and today, I see them talking. Today, I blame him.
His blood is splattered along the stone behind his head. I don't know if he's dead or knocked out. All I know is that I'm angry at the world.
I never knew magenta and jade were such beautiful colors when seen seeping across the floor.
"I newer wwant you to die."
"The feeling'th mutual."
The dead come back to meet me, and I see my royal blood on the ground. I expect to vanish into a dream bubble like all the others, but instead look upon my broken lover, who turns out to be alive.
I hover next to him, look into his deadened eyes, and wonder why this happened.
"Let'th thtick together."
"I'm so sorry Sol," I whisper in his ear, though I doubt he can hear me.
"I lowe you."
"I love you too."
"Wwhy can't you hear me?"
I see tears of purple and honey yellow, and the world is gone.
My dream bubble feels like a prison. I can swim only to a certain distance before I hit an invisible wall. No one else is there. I wallow in sorrow.
I miss him. I want to hold him. Tell him I'm sorry. Fix his eyes. Ask for his forgiveness. Beg…
I miss his warmth. That was one thing he always gave me. Being a seadweller, I'm – or would it be was? – cold-blooded, and his warmth was delicious. The feeling of his body against mine, the sparks we created -sometimes literally, if he took off his glasses.
Oh, his eyes. I would miss those. So much. Always hidden behind those thick glasses, like he was hiding, and he was; if he took them off, his power would be harder to control. Although I doubt he has to worry about that anymore…
I huddle in a corner wrapped in blankets, reminiscing. It's so cold in here… so cold… and no one's here to hold onto.
The tears roll down my cheeks, but no one can wipe them away for me.
The pain shoots through my silent heart, but no one can heal it.
I fucking miss him.
It's been two weeks since I died. That is, it has been according to my mental diary, which was initiated shortly before my death. Although, time may be different here, so it could be two days for all I know. All I know is that I wish I could sleep.
Sleep is apparently not possible for dead people.
I'd cry over this, but I ran out of tears a week ago. I just sit around sullenly waiting for something to happen.
My dream bubble suddenly shudders and I feel sick. What just happened?
I get up and rush to the door. Opening it, I see immediately what happened.
A vast city is before me. I can see it through the water, which stops abruptly where the sand turns into the concrete on top of a tall hive. I must have run into someone else's dream bubble.
A figure clad in a white and red t-shirt steps out of the door on the roof. I recognize him as that insufferable prick Dave Strider. I really don't want to talk to him, but he's already seen me. I step to the edge of my half of the bubble, not willing to go into the immense heat and possibly dry up like a prune in the process.
"Howw did you ewen manage to run your bubble into mine, you dumb fuck?" I yell at him. I'm angry at the way he dared come and disturb my sorrow.
He just shrugs. "Dude I couldn't control this thing if I wanted to. I've run into fucking everyone by now. By the way, how many of you are dead? Seems like a lot."
My eyes narrow. "I don't knoww! I killed two of them and… injured one…" I trail off and look at the ground. My blank eyes with their faded purple iris rings stare into the sand, as if trying to bore a hole through the bottom of the bubble.
"Well I met a Beta Terezi and what seemed to be Alpha Feferi, though I couldn't tell for sure."
"Did she… did she hawe a hole through her stomach? Because if she did… I killed her."
"That's what she said."
I look back up at him and glare. "Do you hawe any reason to stay here? I'm tryin to wwalloww in my sorroww, if you don't mind!" I huff and make to turn my back to him.
"He's still alive, you know." I pause.
"You know what I'm talking about. He's hanging onto life, just barely. He can speak without a lisp now. He was one of the first people I met when I died." Dave seems to pause for thought for a moment, then plows on. "I don't know what was on between you two, but he looked sad. Really sad."
My back still to him, I stand perfectly still. He's… sad. He misses me too.
My heart, which I thought to be completely demolished by this time, breaks a little further, and I collapse to my knees.
"Dude are you okay—"
"Just get out of here, you… you fuckin whore!" I yell. I bury my face in my hands. "Get out! Get out! Get fuckin out and don't fuckin come back! I wwant to be alone!"
I can hear him back up, hear him go back into his apartment like the scared little thing he is. Good. He should be scared. Fucking coolkid land-dwelling alien scum. He had no right to talk about him, no right…!
I've run into many other people by now, and none of them are the person I want to see. I don't think I can stand yelling at people to go away for much longer. I even ran into Feferi, but I just spat in her face and barred myself inside, not even listening to her raging and then her tear-filled apologies.
I don't want them to talk to me. I would kill them all if we weren't already dead.
I hate this.
I meet Sollux.
Only he's not MY Sollux.
He still has his eyes, and he hates me. He's interested in Feferi only, and blames me for her death.
I hate being in these fucking dream bubbles. I hate it so much. Why can't I get what I want?
"You fucking thelfish prick! She didn't love you from the beginning!"
"Yeah wwell I newer really lowed her anywway, so that's fuckin fine with me!"
"You… you didn't…?"
"No, and if you wwere the Sollux from my timeline you would fuckin KNOWW that, so get the fuck out of my bubble and go find your stupid matesprit-stealin fish whore!"
He looks startled. "Matesprit-thtealing…?"
"Yeah, fuckface. In my timeline, you were my matesprit. Ooh, surprise, surprise! I had a fuckin reason to kill that bitch in my timeline. She wwas tryin so wery wery hard to take awway the only good thing in my fuckin dowwner of a life!"
His eyes are wide. "I… loved you… in an alternate timeline?"
"Fuck yes you did! And she wwas flirtin the fuck out of you and I came of age and my body told me to go kill something and I just… did." I shudder as I remember it vividly. "But I took out your eyes first. Wwhy didn't I do that in your timeline…?"
His eyes narrow. "Becauthe apparently the you in my timeline wath angrier and had leth rethtraint than you did. I died."
"Oh." I don't know what to say to this.
"Well… it wath nithe hearing your thide of the thtory, even if it wath in a different timeline…" He turns to leave. I watch him go, feeling my heart break just a little more.
"H-hey Sol…?" I call out hesitantly.
He turns. "Yeth?"
"I…," I swallow. This guy doesn't love you, I remind myself. But he's so much like him… "If you see the me from your timeline, give him a solid punch in the face, wwould you? Because Fef doesn't deserwe him… doesn't deserwe anyone…"
I turn, and for the first time in half a sweep, a tear streaks my face.
I've noticed that the numbers have been lining up for important dates. Today is not an exception.
I feel the telltale shudder and look out the window to see… nothing? Hm. Must have been a fluke. I go downstairs to check, and run smack into someone.
"Wwhoa! Wwatch wwhere you're fuckin goin, douchebag—" he stops when he sees me.
I just sit on the floor and stare up at him incredulously. How did…? Oh, he must be from a different timeline.
"So wwhich one are you?" I ask sullenly as I stand and brush off some invisible dust.
"Depends. Wwhich one are YOU?"
"Answer the damn question."
"No, yo—fuck this if wwe're goin to fight I'm just goin to leave because I really don't have the energy." I collapse on the couch and groan, placing my head in my hands. Fighting with myself is almost as bad as fighting with Feferi.
He—or would it be I? – just stands there with a shocked expression on his face. I guess that he didn't expect to meet such a broken man when he met himself. He walks over to the couch and sits beside me.
"Howw did you die?"
"Kan had a chainsaww and decided to be the auspitice between my two halves." I trace the bloodied hem of my shirt.
"Oh, me too!" He lifts his shirt to look at the gaping wound. "But wwhy did you die is I guess wwhat I'm asking…"
Oh. That would make more sense. "I… fought with Sollux, and killed Fef and Kan…"
"I did that too… but I think I killed my Sollux." I glance up at him sharply.
"You're the one… the one the other Sol told me about…" I get up and back away from him. "You killed them because you still thought you lowed that fuckin matesprit-stealin fish whore!"
He stands angrily. "I did! I still do! And… matesprit-stealin…?"
I nod. "She wwas all up and flirtin with Sol right in front of me! I just exploded…"
His eyes are wide. "You managed to score wwith… wwith Sollux?"
I grin. "Yes. Yes I did. Unfortunately… he's still alive… and I kind of… blinded him." I look at the ground. I hate telling this story to every single fucking person that happens to encroach my bubble, and it tears me apart inside. "Leave," I tell the other me, the bastard who didn't know what was good for him. "Leave!" I scream. "I don't wwant to see your stupid face, ewen if it is my owwn…" I turn and run up the stairs, willing with all my might to split away from his bubble. I don't want to see him. I don't want to think that I could have been him. He's not me, he was never me. He'll never know love.
He'll never know pain.
It's been a long time.
I've stayed in this dream bubble for almost two sweeps now. I haven't seen him once.
I wish I could just disappear.
I don't want to exist anymore.
It's been over two sweeps.
Even Aradia, our Aradia, has seen Sollux.
She told me so.
People have stopped running into my bubble. I'm going crazy from loneliness, talking to myself, mimicking voices of people I used to know.
I wonder what would happen if I decapitate myself.
I don't think that anything can stop this pain.
2222. Something about this date stirs my mind, but I'm too far gone to care. My mind is a muddled mess of nothing. I sit around in a daze, not thinking, not breathing. Just existing.
Something startles me, a queasy feeling in my stomach. It feels familiar, but I can't remember what it means. It's been too long.
I hear the door open. I see a tall shape with a large head approach me. I stare blankly as it comes closer.
I feel arms wrap around me. I'm carried through the water into a grassy area in front of a tall building.
The man removes his head. No, wait. It's a helmet…
I look into those blackened eyes for the first time in two thousand, two hundred and twenty-two days.
And I cry.
"I can hear you now," he says. "I can hear you now."