Author's Note: Oh my god, oh my god, you guys! (Bonus points if you can tell me what that's from!) I'm really sorry to the 82329720341 power that it took me forever to update this. But I'm here now! Reunited and it feel so good! So please forgive me. Also, I wrote a fluffy little Christmas one-shot about a week ago so go check that out if you like feeling warm, fuzzy feelings. I hope you enjoy!
"Can we talk now?" Brittany eased her lean figure underneath the covers of Santana's bed and guided her eyes around the room to follow Santana as she solemnly put away her belongings.
"I don't know."
"San..." Brittany whined.
"What?" Santana threw her a hard glare.
Santana ripped off her sweatpants, revealing the shorts she had been wearing earlier and removed her sweatshirt before tossing it to the ground. She slowly moped over to the bed and crawled under the covers next to Brittany. Together they leaned against the headboard, they're bodies tensed and separated from one another. Santana crossed her arms against her chest.
"What is there to talk about, B?" Santana snapped. Almost instantly she regretted doing so. She hadn't meant to react so harshly. However, Brittany didn't seem at all phased by Santana's tone. "Sorry," Santana mumbled. She looked down to avoid Brittany's gaze. "I just don't really know what there is to talk about. I'm sure we're both thinking the exact same thing anyway because we're always doing shit like that."
"Just tell me what you're feeling," Brittany encouraged.
"What I'm feeling? Well for one thing, I have no idea what the fuck I'm feeling!" Santana threw her arms up. "I'm angry at everyone because apparently every fucking person in that choir room knows about you and me. The few people that I'm actually willing to open myself up to for even just the tiniest little bit—the people that I'm supposed to trust the most—and not a single fucking one of them had the balls to tell me something that I had to work so god damn hard to hide! And Mercedes makes it sound like it's no big fucking deal!"
"Is it?" Brittany interjected.
"I don't fucking know! And I'm just so confused because what does this mean? Like, if everyone in Glee club knows about us, what about the rest of the school? Is it just as obvious to them? Do I walk down the halls on fire like some big flaming lesbian? Should I just cut off all my hair, start wearing flannel, and scream about how much I love The L-Word now?"
"San, calm down." Brittany rested a comforting hand atop Santana's thigh. "Just take a deep breath."
"I'm sorry, B, but it's kind of hard for me to relax when everyone in the entire fucking school might know my biggest secret!" Her heart was pounding erratically and at any second it felt like it might just beat right out of her chest. Her breathing was beginning to take a similar route, her breaths becoming labored and heavy.
"Have they been acting any different?"
"The people at school. Have they been acting any different toward you?"
"Then either they don't know or they don't care. Maybe a little of both."
"But I can't be sure of that, B! I'm not going to join the gay-parade with Blaine and Kurt! I wasn't ready to leave my little Narnia-closet yet and all of a sudden I feel like the entire Glee club is throwing me out. And that's not okay." Santana's voice immediately became very small and Brittany watched as her entire defense seemed to crumble right in front of her. "I'm just so scared, B."
With that very statement Brittany's heart felt like it broke into tiny pieces. She hated seeing Santana look so confused and broken. She moved closer to Santana and wrapped her arms around her tiny body. She pulled her against her body and Santana leaned into the touch, burying her head into Brittany's side.
Brittany could feel Santana shaking, her body lurching with each impending sob that threatened to strike and wrack her body. "San, it's okay. You can cry." She ran her hand soothingly through long, dark hair.
"No. I can't. In the car." She sniffled. "We said. No more. Crying." She buried her head further into Brittany's body.
"Hey, forget about that. Baby, it's okay to cry. Let it all out. I'll be here for you when you're done."
And so Santana did. She cried for what felt like ages. The tears poured until her eyes were red and puffy and she could no longer make any more. She ran her tear ducts absolutely dry. A small ocean had formed on Brittany's shirt, but that was the last of her worries. She simply let Santana be, offering only a comforting hand caressing through Santana's hair and a protective embrace.
"Is that better?" Brittany finally asked once she was sure that Santana had finished with her tears.
Santana nodded against her.
"Can we talk about it some more?"
"I don't know what to say." Santana sniffled.
"How about what Mercedes said to you."
"She said I need to fix myself."
"I don't get it. I was just trying to set things right so that we wouldn't get hurt in case things got out of hand. I don't understand what's so wrong about that."
"I'm not sure if that was the problem, hun. I think it was more of an issue of trust. Mercedes seemed kind of pissed that you didn't trust her enough not to tell."
"But Rachel told!"
"Yeah, but Rachel's just a blubbermouth."
Santana snorted and had to hide the smile that instantly took over her face. "I think you mean 'blabbermouth'. Although now I'm picturing Rachel happily swimming the ocean amongst her family of whales and it's pretty hysterical."
Brittany gently nudged Santana in the ribs. "Stop that." She had a hard time concealing her own smile, though. "We know that Rachel has problems keeping her mouth shut about stuff, but she's never had a problem with that outside of Glee club."
"Santana, Mercedes and I both think that you need to give a little credit to your friends—because that's what we are. We're your friends no matter how much you make fun of them or how much drama is going on any particular day. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Glee club is a family. And as a family we have to trust each other. Ohana means, family, San. And family means no one gets left behind."
Santana laughed under her breath. She glanced up at Brittany and gave her a sweet smile. "That may not have been most effective saying there, Britt."
Brittany just shrugged her shoulders. "Oh well. It sounds nice and happy and it certainly got a smile out of you. My point is that you really need to trust them. I can promise you that if you give them that then everything will be okay."
"You think so?" Santana squeaked apprehensively.
"I know so." Brittany replied, her voice full of confidence and hope.
Santana lowered herself a little so that her head rested in the crook of Brittany's elbow. She draped an arm across her own body and rested it atop Brittany's stomach where she softly drew small patterns with her fingers.
"I still have no idea what the hell I should be feeling right now," she said.
"What do you think I should do, Britt-Britt?"
Brittany sighed and closed her eyes. A gentle silence overtook the room as she pondered the question, her eyes going spacey and distant like they often did when she got lost in her own thoughts.
"I think you should talk to the Glee club...but only if you're ready." She returned her attention back to Santana.
Santana gulped. "I don't know..."
"If what Mercedes said is true, then it won't be a big deal and you'll get some piece of mind. And if not, then...maybe that's a step in the right direction to coming out. You know?"
Santana exhaled loudly. "Are you sure?"
"Yes, but only if you're ready. I can call a meeting and get everyone together before Glee club tomorrow if you'd like."
"You think it'll make things a little better?"
"I promise." She held up her pinky finger.
Santana stared at it. "Only if while I'm up there you stand beside me."
"I wouldn't have it any other way."
"Okay then." Santana linked her pinky with Brittany's.
"Can we go to sleep now?" Santana asked. "I don't want to think anymore."
"I've been waiting to hear you say that all night."
The two smiled at each other before Santana turned off the light and sidled up next to Brittany. Brittany snaked an arm around her and placed a kiss against the back of her neck.
"Good night, San."
"Night, B. I love you."
"I love you too."
"Like never before?"
Brittany smiled, her eyes closed and a soft laugh quietly escaping her lips. "Like never before."
The room went silent. Although Santana was sure that Brittany was asleep—she could feel the rhythmic pattern of her chest inhaling and exhaling against her back—her mind was still whirring. She was nervous about the next day. She had no idea what she was going to say or how her...friends, were going to react. She eventually settled on the idea that it was better if she just didn't think about it. At this point it took way too much effort to think, anyway. Finally, she felt herself slipping close to unconsciousness. Her eyes were beginning to droop and her brain finally starting to slow down.
"Hey, you know, you were right earlier." Brittany's voice broke through the silence.
"Huh? About what?" The voice tore Santana from her stupor and she slowly lifted her eyelids.
"When you said that I don't deserve you."
Santana's heart skipped a beat and her whole body seemed to freeze, her eyes growing wide. "W-wha-what?" She stammered.
"I don't deserve anyone as amazing and beautiful and perfect as you."
Santana breathed out a silent sigh of relief. "Well you know what, I don't deserve to be able to kiss you right now, but is that going to stop me? I don't think so."
She rolled over and propped herself up on her elbows to place her lips against her girlfriend's. Brittany smiled against the kiss, and briefly pulled back "Ooh, a rebel." She returned her mouth to Santana's before again separating their lips. "That's kind of hot."
A/N: It's kind of weird writing intheflannelcloset!Santana when she's already "out" in the show, but whatever. I hope that was okay. I tried to balance the angst with a little bit of humor since I'm trying to be light-hearted with this story, but every time I write Santana I just get so many angsty feelings! Anyway, definitely look out for more soon! I love reviews and suggestions! (Wink, wink.)