Muggle Studies

Homework- Write an essay about the animalistic Muggles. One roll parchment.

George of the Jungle versus Tarzan-

By Seamus Finnegan

I am a half-blood. This means I get to experience such wonderful things as Wizarding culture and Muggle culture. Simultaneously. This also means that I am aware of some things about Muggles.

The only animalistic Muggles I can think of (and remember, I grew up with them) are George of the Jungle and Tarzan. Mowgli, too, but I always hated The Jungle Book.

George of the Jungle is, quite frankly, an idiot. Which, I know, means that all Muggles are stupid. Whatever. Seeing as it is a Muggle cartoon featuring an idiot, he saves the day. Always. Because that's how it works in Muggle cartoons. The sidekick (an ape named Ape) is the smarter of the two, and his girlfriend is also smarter. Because that's how it works in Muggle cartoons.

Tarzan is about a hundred million times smarter. He was adopted into an ape family, and is nobility. He apparently speaks all these languages (how he learned Mayan in the middle of the AFRICAN JUNGLE is beyond me, but Muggle books don't have to make sense). He's ridiculously strong and fast, and can swing on vines.

That's another thing. Apparently, if you're a wild person who grew up in the African jungle hanging with apes, you automatically swing around on vines. I don't actually think that monkeys (or apes, for that matter) swing on vines.

If it came down to a vine-swinging contest, George would run into a tree, as shown in his theme song. 'George, George, George of the Jungle, strong as he can be. WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE!' Every other line in the theme song is 'Watch out for that tree!' Tarzan would just win and be awesome and all that jazz.

If it came down to a fight, seeing as Tarzan is used to wrestling rhinos (which I don't think live in the jungles of Africa. Now, normally, when faced with something like this, I would ask the smartest girl in our year. Heard of her? Her name's Hermione Granger, but due to the fact that certain people are being idiotic and not allowing smart people back in this miserable excuse for a school, she is not here. Why? Because her parents are unable to wield a wand. Which, if you ask me, is rather lame, because they can wield sharp dentistry tools instead. Be afraid of dentists. One of them invented the electric chair, you know), you'd think that he would win, but then you remember that, oh wait, it's George of the Jungle! He always wins! He stars in a Muggle cartoon! Due to a level of bumbling around and generally screwing up, the likes of which have not been seen since Fudge got sacked, George (and his best friend, an ape named Ape and his elephant Shep, his girlfriend and someone else Fella and Ursula. I don't remember which is which. I haven't seen the show in years) would win.

So yeah. Bet on George, because he stars in a Muggle cartoon.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

"I wish to talk to you about your essay, Mr. Finnegan," Alecto Carrow says.

"So rhinos do live in the heart of the African jungle?" Seamus asks.

"What possessed you to write about these barbaric Muggles?"

"Well, wasn't that the assignment? Write about animalistic Muggles. So I did. You didn't give us so much direction, so I took my own take on the essay."

"Detention!"

"For what? I wrote about some animalistic Muggles. You didn't specify that they had to be real or that they couldn't be raised by apes! Why don't we let the class decide?"

"Mr. Finnegan, sit down!"

"I am a half-blood. This means I get to experience such wonderful things as Wizarding culture and Muggle culture. Simultaneously. This also means that I am aware of some things about Muggles."

"Seamus, sit down!" Neville hisses.

"The only animalistic Muggles I can think of (and remember, I grew up with them) are George of the Jungle and Tarzan. Mowgli, too, but I always hated The Jungle Book."

"Crucio!" Carrow screams.

"George of the Jungle is, quite frankly, an idiot. Which, I know, means that all Muggles are stupid. Whatever. Seeing as it is a Muggle cartoon featuring an idiot, he saves the day. Always. Because that's how it works in Muggle cartoons," Seamus continues. Ignore the pain, he tells himself. Focus on the look on her face.

"Crabbe, Goyle, remove this…delinquent from my classroom," Carrow commands. The two each grab one of Seamus's arms and drag him out of the classroom.

"The sidekick (an ape named Ape) is the smarter of the two, and his girlfriend is also smarter. Because that's how it works in Muggle cartoons," Seamus yells even as the door slams behind him.

Parvati Patil begins clapping. "What are you doing, Miss Patil?" Carrow asks.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Parvati says, aggression dripping from her every word. "I was under the impression that we were letting the class decide. Or am I wrong and you cannot handle a few teenagers? I sincerely hope I was wrong, Professor Carrow."

"You will have detention with Mr. Finnegan, then."

"Looking forward to it."