Homework-essay-The Horrible Effects of Muggle Culture on the Magical Community-1 roll parchment

The Horrible Effects of Muggle Culture on the Magical Community

By Susan Bones

When I got this essay topic, my first thought was 'I wonder if I should do what Lavender did'. Unfortunately, that felt a bit too much like copying, something no self-respecting Hufflepuff would do. So I sat, and I thought, and one memory really stood out to me.

It happened when I was eight, and on vacation in California. We were at a beach, and this scene I am about to describe to you actually happened. In broad daylight. And I was not the only one mentally scarred.

This scene has scarred many young children for years, magical and muggle.

On the beach was a very fat, very hairy man. His skin was pasty-white, and I haven't even gotten to the worst part.

He was wearing…the man Speedo.

The man Speedo bears a resemblance more to the woman's bikini bottom. On a fat man, it is a sight that makes people wish for a basilisk's glare in their direction.

It's not a very good look on anyone. Well, okay, the hot swimmers can wear it, if only so we can stare at their chests without seeming like such creepy people.

I, like Lavender Brown, have conducted a poll.

What are your thoughts on a fat guy in a Speedo?

Seamus Finnegan-7th year, Gryffindor: Some things are just not meant for impressionable young Irish seven-year-olds on vacation to the south of France…

Daphne Greengrass-7th year, Slytherin: I once had a nightmare that a fat guy in a Speedo was chasing me around and trying to sit on me. I haven't been able to function the same since. I can't even look at a fat guy on the beach without running.

Astoria Greengrass-5th year, Slytherin: Speedos in general are just wrong. They should be banned by every nation in the world.

Colin Creevey-6th year, Gryffindor: On family trips to the beach, my uncle is that guy. He's the one in the lime-green Speedo. Scarred for life at a young age…

Terry Boot-7th year, Ravenclaw: Wait, the Speedo is the bird's bikini bottom on men, right? On a fat guy? No, I don't want to see it. (here, I show him a picture) AUGH! EW! MY INNOCENCE!

Michael Corner-7th year, Ravenclaw: There is only one thing more scarring than a fat guy in a Speedo, and that is a fat guy in the banana hammock.

Eloise Midgen-7th year, Hufflepuff: Speedos scare me.

Hannah Abbott-7th year, Hufflepuff: What's a Speedo? (I tell her and show her the same picture I showed Terry Boot) You mean they wear that in public? You're kidding, right?

Attached is a picture of Colin's uncle Bertie. He is wearing, not his usual lime-green Speedo, but a more scarring one. This one, as you can see, is a very ugly yellowish color, chartreuse, if you will. The black dots all over it are not flattering in the slightest.

In fact, it looks like a rotten banana.

I'll leave this with you, and let you ponder the horrible effects of certain parts of Muggle Culture.

A word of advice: the thing I've found that removes that image the best from my head is by imagining Johnny Depp. But that might just be me. Anyway, it's late, and I'm bored. And I cannot bring myself to write any more about the Man-Speedo. And every time I glance to my left, I'm met with the picture of Colin's uncle. It's rather scarring.

Good luck, Professor. You'll need it.

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …

"Ms. Bones, what is the meaning of this?"

"Hey, blame Colin for taking it. All I did was paste it to the bottom of my essay in order to make a roll of parchment, and then make copies and hang them around the Great Hall, paying especial notice to the Slytherin table. Is that really a crime?"


"I am just trying to educate others to the horrors that some people inflict on the world. It's practically a homework assignment."

"No. It is not."

"It is propagating the effects of Muggle culture on the Magical Community. Right? And really, wasn't that the assignment?"


"Oh, here's a new one. How many people actually get detention for doing their homework properly, correctly, and passionately? I find this offensive. And, since I did the assignment to the best of my ability, I see no reason why I should show up. So you can take your detention and shove it up your-"