This was inspired by a comic on deviantart by Black Cat. Credit for some of the plot goes to them (links will not work on this site).

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Dx

Oh, and yes this is CRACK fic! I do know that all of Batman's "children" could never actually be in this situation xD


"Daddy…what's one-hundred twenty-seven divided by three?"

"I don't know right now, Timmy. Why do you need to know that anyway?"

"Um, Batman? Who are you talking to?"

"No one. Dick! Stop trying to shove Jason's head into the trunk of the Batmobile! What were you saying again Kent?"

"Uh..meeting at the Tower. Be here in twenty minutes." A pause. "Are you sure you're okay Batman?"

"I'm fine. I'll be bringing a few guests along…that is if they behave."

"Uh…sure. How many more chairs should I set up?"

"Four will be fine. Goodbye Kent. Jason stop trying to trip Tim!" The silence that followed left Superman feeling even more confused.


"Bats? You do know that five children are following you….right?"

Batman growled briefly in Barry's direction; tugging on Dick's hand to plop him into the first chair. "Dick, sit here. Do not move." He sat down Tim next. "Tim, pay attention and do your math homework." Damian was next. "Damien, stay here and do not move. I don't care how interesting you find the air-ducts." Then Jason. "Jason…just don't try to fight anyone, okay?" He sat down in his own chair, shifting a giggling Terry to his hip.

The six other Original Members couldn't keep their mouths from gaping…even J'onn.

"What? You called me here for a meeting. Get on with it." Batman growled. He was in no mood to deal with their stares right now. Alfred had been gone for a week; leaving him with these…these menaces.

"Da-da…da." Terry chewed on his fingers, drool dripping onto Batman's cape.

Batman sighed, reaching into his belt for a small cloth. "Yes Terry, but Dada's busy right now." He reached into his belt again, pulling out a small toy. "Play with this, okay?"

Terry merely giggled again, throwing the toy to the ground.

"Dick, get that will you?" The teen-age boy nodded, handing the small toy back to the toddler.

"Hey Daddy? What's twenty-seven times four?" The smaller raven-haired boy asked, waving his paper around a bit wildly.

"It's one-hundred and eight you dip-stick." The slightly older boy, Jason, reached over Damian to cuff the younger boy in the back of the head.

"Hey! I'm not a...uh...a dip-stick!" Timmy's head turned to Batman. "Daddy! He hit me!"

"Jason, no calling your brother names; and no hitting." Batman growled once more, bouncing Terry on his lap when the toddler began to squirm.

Jason mumbled something that sounded like an apology under his breath. Damien punched him in the arm. "Shut up Todd."

"Don't tell me to shut up you little Demon!" Jason shoved his younger brother, making Damien almost fall out of his chair.

"You bastard!" Damien shoved Jason back.


Both boys flinched, immediately righting themselves in their chairs.

"Jason, Damien. Make up and apologize to each other, now." He watched as both boys gave each other a quick hug and a mumbled apology. "And Damien, you will be washing your mouth out with soap as soon as we get home."

A long, awkward silence filled the room.

"Daddy? Dick said you found me in a cabbage patch…did you find Terry in a cabbage patch?" Tim looked up at his father with innocent blue eyes.

"Well Clark, I think that's my cue to leave. Send me the meeting details in an email. It's their bed-time anyway." Batman rose quickly to leave, grabbing Damien's hand before heading out the door as his son's groaned unhappily.

Another long, awkward silence filled the room.

"…Did you know Bats had kids? I mean I knew he had Dickie…but…" Barry let his voice trail off, motioning toward the door.

"Barry, I think it's best for our sanity that we just pretend that never happened." Clark raised his hand. "All in favor?"

Five others hands raised. "Aye."

A/N: Hope ya'll enjoyed it. Leave a review and let me know what you think!