Hi! My name is LinzRW (previously known as "Fallen Angels Still Have Wings" and "Review Whore").
This is the second installment of the Criminally Insane Series and the sequel to Survival Guide To The Criminally Insane Akatsuki.
Do not read this story excepting profound characters. Read it expecting to laugh.
There are links to fanart for this book on my profile page. There is also a link to my facebook page, which you should like if you want to hear more about my work.
I love reviews. You can review the last chapter, you can review the chapters you liked best, you can review every single chapter. I love reviews. I operate under the philosophy of "the more the merrier" when it comes to reviews. So, please, let me know what you think.
Finally, read, review, and enjoy!
Chapter One: It's a Bed Thing
About five months have passed since the war against the Wargonians and our drunken party (and no, Leader and Konan did not marry since Kakuzu felt obliged to run away with a gold wedding rings). What have the Akatsuki been up to in these last five months? Well, you know… The usual criminal stuff… kidnapping and killing jinchuriki… getting drunk… trying to push Hidan and Dessie into a relationship… Yep, just a normal criminal organization.
Anyways, since I get to start off this story (as I do every story), I guess I'd better tell you the beginning… It started on January 13th when Leader decided to show us out new hideout – the location is classified and I will not tell you…
"Welcome," said Leader in a grand voice. "To the brand new Akatsuki hideout!"
One-by-one the Akatsuki filed in. Blond hair flashing in the sun, Deidara went through first, followed by Kakuzu, Zetsu, and Hannah. Then went Hidan and Dessie, still fighting over who should get to step inside the new hideout first. After them came Itachi, rather uncaring about the whole ordeal, and Tobi who kept trying to hug-tackle Dessie. Kisame and I slipped in after Itachi, Kisame carefully to keep a firm grip on my hand which caused my face to turn a bright shade of red. Finally, bringing up the rear, was Leader and Konan.
"Dang," said Deidara, standing in the entrance way and staring at the interior of the new hideout. "How much did this cost?"
"It'd better have been cheap," said Kakuzu darkly.
"Don't worry," said Leader nonchalantly waving away Kakuzu's monetary concerns. "I had Hidan and Deidara take care of the workers before I had to pay them. This hideout is completely and one-hundred percent free."
Kakuzu grunted in approval while Dessie let out a shriek of delight and sprinted down the hallway, examining each and every room excitedly. "It's fantastic!" she cried as she reached the bedroom section of the hideout. After examining the rooms she returned to the group and said, in all seriousness, "Why are there only six bedrooms?"
There was a general unhappiness amongst the Akatsuki and Itachi turned to Leader and said, in his usual solemn voice, "We don't get our own rooms?"
Leader cursed and stormed past Dessie to examine the rooms himself. He returned with a shadowed expression. "I told those builders that I wanted twelve bedrooms – and what do they do!? Give me six!? I'm going to crush their skulls into tiny pieces and…"
"You can't," said Hannah helpfully. "They're already dead."
At this point Hidan and Deidara exchanged gleeful grins at the memory of sacrificing/exploding the builders.
Leader sighed and rubbed his temples wearily. "Well then, after that oversight on my part, I suppose we'll have to make do…"
It was hard to tell who voiced the first complaint – Deidara, Hidan, Kakuzu, or Zetsu. Basically, Hidan didn't want to share a room with that 'crazy-ass heartless dipshit' and Kakuzu did not want to share a room with someone who leaves pools of blood in the bathroom. Deidara did not want to spend one more second in the same room as that hyperactive Tobi and Zetsu didn't want to have to room by himself again (I felt a wave of pity for poor Zetsu).
"You're all a bunch of whining bitches," grumbled Leader.
"We can resolve this," said Konan gently, patting Leader on the shoulder and turning to face the Akatsuki. "First off – we need two rooms for the girls."
The Akatsuki burst into angry protest. Kakuzu suggested that all four girls share one room and the Akatsuki boys will divide the rest amongst themselves. Dessie was completely against that and – after a massive shouting competition between the girls and boys, Hannah thrust her hand into the air and waited for Leader to call on her.
"Yes?" said Leader slowly after he had finished threatening the Akatsuki into silence. "What do you want, Hannah?"
"Someone can use the basement as a room," suggested Hannah. "Then we'll have seven bedrooms…"
Tobi let out a scream and cowered behind Dessie while Kisame drew his sword and looked around wildly.
Konan sighed. "How about we don't mention the basement again for a long while… After the whole blue orb experience I don't think anyone wants near another basement again for a long while."
"I'll take it."
Slowly, everyone turned to stare at Kakuzu, who, in bored tones, repeated, "I'll take it. I'll sleep in the basement as long as I can get away from the blood fiend." He jerked his thumb in the direction of Hidan.
"Oh… Well then," said Konan. "That takes care of that…"
"I get my own room," declared Leader abruptly. "And a king-sized bed."
"That's selfish," I whispered and Kisame patted me comfortingly.
"Ah-ha!" said Deidara, pointing at Kisame and me wildly. "Ah-ha! Why don't we just room Kate and Kisame together! No one wants to room with Kate since Kisame will sneak in every night anyways, uhn."
Itachi nodded in agreement.
I felt a blush work its way up my cheeks and I buried my face in my hands. "What are you talking about!?"
"Hell yeah," said Dessie, pointing angrily at Kisame. "If I have to share a room with Kate – I will not put up with Kisame crawling around in our room in the middle of the night doing dirty stuff."
Kisame wrapped his arms tightly around my shoulders and grinned maliciously at Dessie. "You can't stop me."
I let out a tiny squeak.
"Perverts," muttered Deidara.
"I think that's a perfectly reasonable idea," said Leader. "Though we might want to buy two single beds… I don't think Kate could live through a night in the same bed as Kisame. She would die of embarrassment."
I was already about to die of embarrassment.
"Then why don't Hidan and Dessie room together," said Kisame. "No one wants to share with them while they're doing their ridiculous Jashinist rituals in the bathtub. At least if they share a room they can leave the rest of us in peace."
"What!?" wailed Dessie.
"Hell no!" screamed Hidan.
"That sounds good," said Konan. "It's no different that Kisame and Kate."
"Yes it is!" cried Dessie, punching Hidan in the shoulder for the heck of it. "That shithead and I aren't dating!"
"You practically are," said Zetsu. "It makes no difference to us."
Tobi looked ready to cry. "But Tobi wanted to share a room with Dessie-Nunu." His frown suddenly transformed into a smile and, before anyone knew what was happening, he flung his arms around Hannah's neck and yelled, "Tobi wants to share a room with Hannah-Nunu."
"Sorry, Tobi," said Konan. "But I think it's best if Hannah and I share a room…"
Tobi, Zetsu, and Deidara looked crest-fallen. At the sight of this, Dessie burst out laughing and I let out a couple of giggles, trying to mask them for poor Zetsu's sake.
"So," said Leader. "Who does that leave?"
"Two rooms," said Konan. "And it leaves Zetsu, Deidara, Itachi, and Tobi…"
At this, a sly grin crossed Leader's face as he turned to regard the remaining Akatsuki. "Well then, since Deidara doesn't want to room with Tobi…"
Deidara was pointing frantically at Itachi.
"I guess it's only right to room Deidara and Zetsu together and Itachi and Tobi together. Think of it's a Uchiha Bonding Time, Itachi. And Deidara, Zetsu…" Leader was still grinning. "At least you guys have something in common." And with that, he left the Akatsuki gawping and went to claim the largest room for himself.
"Wow," said Dessie. "I never knew Leader was that evil."
Hi. Welcome back. Did you miss me? I didn't miss you.
Anyways, back to the story, I have to say that out of the rooming arrangements, I think I got the best deal. There's nothing wrong with Konan and – out of the whole Akatsuki – I would have to say she is the sanest. We ended up claiming the room closest to the front door and right across the hall to the study (Konan is very dedicated to her work). I decided it was best not to mention that our room was also right across from Leader's.
There was absolute nothing in our room except four beige walls, a white ceiling, being carpet, and a couple of dead flies in the corner. Furniture had to come later. Thankfully, Leader had sent Kakuzu and Itachi out to buy beds for everyone so that way I wouldn't have to worry about sleeping on the floor tonight.
"This is going to be interesting," I said, leaning back against my suitcase (which contained every possession I had in this world).
"The rooms?" asked Konan.
I nodded. "Kisame and Kate… Dessie and Hidan… Deidara and Zetsu… Itachi and Tobi…"
Konan smiled slightly and began fiddling with a piece of paper. "I wonder if Itachi will finally crack under the constant presence of Tobi."
"They'll be apart on missions," I pointed out.
There was a heavy creak and our heads turned in the direction of the hallway.
"They're back…" I said slowly.
Konan slowly got to her feet and made her way to the hallway. I followed her quickly. We found ourselves facing Itachi and Kakuzu. Kakuzu looked quite pleased with himself while Itachi looked bored with the whole affair.
"How'd it go?" asked Konan tentatively.
"Great," said Kakuzu. "The store owner offered me a great discount – buy one get one free."
Itachi coughed and mutter something about Kakuzu and threats. I had the sinking suspicion that Kakuzu's 'discount' was not exactly legal.
"Um…" I glanced around the hallway before turning back to Kakuzu and asking, "So where are the beds?"
Without a word, Itachi pulled a scroll from his back and held it up for me to see. As always the Akatsuki had to show of their ability to make objects appear out of nowhere.
"Okay," said Konan. "Why don't you go put the beds in everyone's rooms… You know which ones are which…"
Itachi walked past Konan with a stiff nod and Kakuzu remained standing by us, letting Itachi do all the hard work.
"So how much did it end up costing us?" asked Konan.
"Barely anything. The salesman was very generous."
"Almost anyone would be that generous with you grinning at him," I muttered.
Kakuzu decided to ignore my comment, still gloating over his successful bargaining skills.
There was a cry of outrage and, suddenly, Kate threw open her bedroom door and came sprinting towards us. Kisame came after her, a huge grin smacked across his face and Itachi walked behind Kisame. Kate came to a halt in front of us, gasping for air and glaring angrily at Kakuzu.
"What's wrong?" asked Konan.
"Did Kisame try to rape you again?" asked Kakuzu cheerfully (or as cheerfully as Kakuzu can be).
The door at the end of hall opened and Dessie and Hidan made their way over to where the rest of us stood. I blinked and – after a moment – I realized that they were both covered in blood and quite pleased with themselves.
"Don't tell me," I said. "You two made another sacrifice to Jashin. You just got your new room and already you're staining the bathtub with blood…"
Dessie licked a bit of blood off her wrist and nodded.
"I thought you couldn't use chakra," said Itachi thoughtfully.
"She can't," said Hidan proudly. "Only I can form a link between my victim and myself and suffer agonizing pain together…" (insert mad laugh here).
"I can still kill people though," said Dessie. "But anyways, who's screaming? Is it Kate?"
"Why do you always assume it's me?" groaned Kate irritably.
"Who else screams like that?" asked Dessie. "Unless it's Kisame."
"It wasn't me," promised Kisame.
"There you go," said Dessie. "It's not Kisame so it must be you, Kate."
"Hurray for deductive reasoning," I muttered.
Kate sighed and then turned to face Kakuzu her anger from earlier returning. Her face changed to a bright shade of red and she said, "Why did you only buy a queen sized bed for Kisame's and my room!?"
Dessie let out a snort of laughter. "Really?"
"Don't think you're so special," said Kakuzu. "Hidan and Dessie also have a queen-sized bed to share."
"WHAT!?" screamed Dessie and Hidan in unison.
Konan sighed and slapped the palm of her hand against her forehead. The remaining Akatsuki emerged from their rooms to see what all the fuss was about. After I conveniently filled them in on the story Deidara bent over with fits of laughter while even Zetsu cracked a smile.
"It's not funny!" shouted Dessie. "I will murder you, you bastard, Kakuzu!" Dessie leapt past Kisame in a wild attempt to throttle Kakuzu by the throat. However, I managed to grab her by the wrist and pull her away before she could put her own life in danger by going up one-on-one with Kakuzu – not that Hidan wouldn't help her anyways.
"Let me kill him, Hannah, please…" said Dessie, struggling against my grip.
"Oh shut up," I said, turning to Kakuzu. "Why would you do that?"
"It was cheaper than buying to separate single beds," said Kakuzu, shrugging.
"Besides, Kate and Kisame are dating – they should get used to sharing a bed."
"What about my purity!?" wailed Kate. "I don't want to share a bed with a man!"
"And what about Dessie and me!?" snapped Hidan. "We're aren't dating, you dick!"
"You practically are, uhn," pointed out Deidara.
"Why didn't Itachi stop Kakuzu?" asked Zetsu thoughtfully.
Everyone turned to look at Itachi who was still staring neutrally at the group. He sighed and said, "I don't have to share a bed with Tobi. That's really all I care about."
Dessie made a strangling motion in the direction of Itachi and cried, "How could you be so cruel!? Did our time together mean nothing to you!?"
Itachi considered Dessie for a moment and said, "No, not really."
While Kisame restrained Dessie from attacking Itachi and Hidan cheered her on, Leader pondered the situation and came up with a solution. "Well, the store won't be open at this time of day… Which means we'll have to do with what we got…"
"I'm not sharing a bed with him!" screamed Dessie at the same time that Hidan shouted, "I'm not sharing a bed with her!"
Kate's face turned bright red and cried, "I'm not ready to share a bed!"
Kisame grinned and patted Kate on the shoulder happily. "I'll go gentle on you."
"Urg…" I muttered. "This is going to be hell…"
"Oh shut up, all you," snapped Leader. "I'm not done yet. I was going to say that Kate and Dessie will share a bed tonight and Hidan and Kisame will share a bed. Then, when morning comes, Kakuzu will go return to two queen-sized beds and buy four single beds."
Kakuzu groaned in protest while Kisame and Hidan let out noises of outrage.
"Kisame," Dessie said darkly. "Don't even think of sneaking into our room in the middle of the night."
"I said – shut up. If another one of you breaths a single word of protest I will mangle you from limb to limb – break every bone in your body and let Zetsu use you as fertilizer for his vicious man-eating plant friends! Understand?"
Mutely, everyone nodded.
"Oh…" said Itachi thoughtfully. "Kakuzu bought you a queen-sized bed too."
Leader paused, his right eye twitching maniacally as he slowly rounded on Kakuzu. "Did I not specifically request a king sized bed!?"
Kakuzu shrugged. "Queen-sized was cheaper…"
"Kakuzu! I am going to kill you!"
I was having the strangest dream that night… I was on a boat – a pirate's boat with a skull-and-cross-bones flying high above my head on a black flag. The sky was gray and stormy and winds whipped all around us, water lapping overboard as wave upon wave slammed into the side of the boat.
I tried to cling onto the ropes, but one final, massive wave struck the ship and I was thrown over board with incredible force. My body slammed into the surface of the water and I found myself sinking down, down, down towards the bottom of the sea. And a dark shadow was looming ever closer… drawn to the smell of blood.
Within moments, I found myself face-to-face with the gray-blue face of a shark.
My leg lashed out, trying to get the shark as far away from me as possible.
And then suddenly, I wasn't drowning in storm-tossed waters anymore. I was lying under the covers of a queen-sized bed with Kate sleeping peacefully next to me. Only one thing had not changed – there was still was shark leaning over me.
"Kisame! You creeper! Get the hell off of me before I turn you into sushi!"
I kicked the shark in the jaw and he fell off the bed half in shock and half in pain. I leapt out of the covers and onto the floor while Kate sat up groggily and looked around.
"Sharing a bed with Hidan would have been better than this, you shithead!" I screamed.
And, after giving Kisame one good kick between the legs, I stormed off to find the room where Kisame had been sleeping. I stumbled through the darkness sleepily and, after throwing open the door; I collapsed onto the queen-sized bed and closed my eyes.
"What the hell?" asked Hidan, rolling over.
"Shut up and go to sleep."
Yep, and that was how the Akatsuki and their whores spent their first night in the new hideout. Needless to say, it was quite the adventure – especially when Kate woke up in the morning, screaming as she realized she had just spent the night in the same bed as a man (even if that man was her boyfriend). Also, apparently Zetsu tried to gnaw Deidara's arm off in the middle of the night and Deidara blew a whole in the wall. Of course, this woke up Leader, who tried to crush Deidara's windpipe for causing extensive damages to the new hideout, and Kakuzu joined in the fray threatening to make Deidara and Zetsu pay for it. Someone woke Konan up and she went wild and unleashed her paper storm on the four men.
Then, to make matter worse, after the whole Deidara-Zetsu argument had died down and everyone went back to bed, Tobi woke up in the early hours of the morning after having a nightmare and tried to crawl into bed with "Deidara-senpai". Well, Itachi did not take well to that and ended up sharinganing Tobi into yet another nightmare.
But Hidan and I didn't hear about any of this until the next morning, because we enjoyed a flawless night's sleep.