Brittany hadn't been herself all afternoon; she had been quiet and reflective and frankly that behaviour from her best friend made Santana more than a little nervous. Brittany even seemed too distracted for them to get their cuddle on and Santana knew then that she had to get to the bottom of this escalating situation- whatever it may be- if she was going to have any hope of getting any action from her girlfriend tonight…
With a seductive smirk Santana crawled on top of Brittany and straddled her hips, nudging her suggestively with her pelvis as she leaned down and started nibbling on the blonde's lips savouring her choice of strawberry flavoured lip gloss today.
As the kiss deepened Brittany began to respond to her but Santana could tell that her heart wasn't quite in it and she pulled away with a frown on her face.
"Brit-Brit what's wrong?" Santana enquired with a reticent sigh. "You've been all 'sad panda' on me since Glee Club."
When Brittany wouldn't look her in the eye, Santana started to get really worried and she sat up, still astride Brittany's hips and stared determinedly down at the blonde with her arms crossed. She wasn't really the"dominant" one in their relationship when it came to the bedroom but she was channelling as much authority as she could muster trying to seem imposing; she refused to budge until Brittany offered up some answers.
"Santana…," Brittany began hesitantly, "Do you know how I can get a 'werepeen'?"
"A 'were'…'peen'…" Santana sounded out the foreign phrase as she wracked her brain trying to figure out what Brittany was abstractedly trying to reference. Brittany was known for getting a bit muddled at the best of times.
"I mean I know that if you want to become a werewolf you have to be attacked by one," Brittany started rambling distractedly. "So if you want to get a werepeen does that mean you have to have sex with someone who has one?"
Santana continued to frown as she flailed for understanding. This was one of those times when she had absolutely no idea what Brittany was talking about- and generally she was good at deciphering Brittany's quirkier of ideas.
"You know- to 'catch'it?" Brittany added in case Santana was confused.
"Wait- what?" Santana floundered.
Brittany suddenly looked panicked as she misread Santana's reaction.
"I mean- I don't want to have to cheat on you just to get one so if you know another way then I'd rather do that," Brittany back peddled trying to explain her case.
This talk of 'cheating' definitely caught Santana's attention and her eyes went wide as she held up her hands to halt Brittany's speech.
"Brittany just slow down," Santana was trying to keep calm even though she felt she was completely in over her head at the moment. "What the hell is a 'werepeen'?"
Brittany breathed a sigh of relief; she knew the answer to that question.
"You know San," Brittany began to blush brightly. "It's a… a penis."
"A penis!" Santana exclaimed loudly- and a little hysterically.
"A special penis," Brittany added, a little shocked by Santana's response.
"Wait Britt- just to get this straight, we are talking about a dick right? Like a guy's dick?" Santana wanted to make sure she was following Brittany correctly and not overreacting.
"No silly," Brittany laughed.
Santana breathed a sigh of relief. Brittany must have simply been confused again…
"It's a girl's dick," Brittany revealed. "A dick for a girl."
"What!" Santana cried.
Brittany grimaced up at Santana. This conversation was not going very well.
"Brittany, I think you're a little confused…" Santana tried to explain the concept as tactfully as she could, knowing how insecure Brittany could get about her intelligence. "Remember how we used to talk about my plumbing being different to Artie's…."
Brittany nodded as she listened intently.
"Boys have a penis," Santana reminded her slowly even though she knew that Brittany already knew all this. "And girls have a…?"
"Vagina!" Brittany answered proudly.
Santana blushed at Brittany's enthusiasm.
"Right… so think about what you just said about 'werepeens'," Santana tried to make this lesson as simple as possible for Brittany. "Girls don't have penises."
"Oh," Brittany replied with a confused frown. "But Puck said…"
Santana's eyes narrowed at the mention of Puck's name.
"What did Puck say?" Santana asked suspiciously. Of course Puck would be behind this nonsense…
"Puck told me that a werepeen is when a girl suddenly grows a penis for a few days each month," Brittany shared her newfound knowledge. "I guess it's like having your period. Except I don't think you could have a penis and your period at the same time… I don't think that would work."
Santana started shaking her head in disbelief and Brittany took that as her agreement on that note.
"I bet you it grows whenever there's a full moon… that way it would really be like a werewolf," Brittany rattled feeling rather knowledgeable on the subject now. "Were -wolf… were- penis… so 'werepeen', it all makes sense!"
"No Brittany it doesn't," Santana shut her down as gently as she could. "I mean sure- that does make perfect sense, or well it would… if werepeens were real."
"You mean they're not?" Brittany questioned, once again utterly confused.
"No babe, Puck was just pulling your leg," Santana explained but realised that expression might only confuse Brittany further. "He made it all up."
"But why would he do that?" Brittany sounded hurt by this revelation.
"I dunno... maybe he thought he was being funny," Santana shrugged.
Brittany's 'hmph' in response showed how funny she thought the situation was now.
"Maybe he was trying to scare you…" Santana offered alternatively. "How did he bring it up and why- more importantly, did you even want one?"
Brittany's eyes flicked away shyly once again and that definitely raised Santana's curiosity.
"Puck was… 'gloating' about his manhood," Brittany said vaguely.
"But what did he say exactly, Britt?" Santana asked calmly – though she feared she already knew what was coming next.
"He said that even though you were still a closet lesbian back then… you kept coming back to him time and time again. That you just couldn't get enough of his dick," Brittany relayed softly and while she tried to stay strong it was obvious his words had affected her. "He said that the only way I could really hope to keep you satisfied, was if I grew myself an impressive werepeen and hoped it could match up to him…"
"That son of a bitch," Santana stated rather coolly considering she was seeing red. "And when you didn't know what a werepeen was, he helpfully explained it to you in vivid detail, am I right?"
Brittany nodded uncomfortably and all the pieces fell into place.
"Brittany, you have to listen to me very carefully okay?"
Santana took Brittany's hands in her own and made sure Brittany was focusing all of her attention on her.
"Puck's just pissed off because Zizes dumped his arse… and he's just trying to feel better about the fact that he dated me- a lesbian, by exaggerating his prowess to you- my girlfriend -hoping to make you second guess yourself and make him seem like a bigger man." Santana explained slowly hoping Brittany would get it. "He's just exaggerating and being an all-round jerk. I can't believe he'd plant such ideas in your head. That's a brand new low."
"But you did sleep with him," Brittany said softly as her eyes dropped to watch her hands be manipulated in Santana's; "Loads of times."
"Britt…" Santana cooed gently, seeing very clearly that Puck's seeds had already taken root.
Brittany simply played with Santana's fingers as though distracted, but Santana could tell she was listening keenly.
"Brittany you know as well as I do that I never wanted that- at least not for the right reasons," Santana said seriously. "I was scared that people would find out that I was a lesbian… so I slept around a bit to get a reputation.'Dating' Puck and the sex that came with it was all just as a part of that 'safe' lifestyle I created to hide behind."
"So it had nothing to do with his penis?" Brittany asked sheepishly.
Santana chuckled kindly and lay down, stretching her body out on top of Brittany's.
"I'm a lesbian, Brittany," Santana purred friskily. "Do you know what that means?"
"You have short fingernails and you scissor a lot?" Brittany offered with a playful glint in her eye.
"Well- yes," Santana giggled as she found that she had to agree. "It means I like girls; only girls. And who was it that made me realise what it is that I like about girls so much? "
"Me?" Brittany answered hopefully as she met Santana's eyes once more.
"Mhmmm," Santana hummed in approval as she nuzzled Brittany's neck. "It was your soft lips and smooth skin, your perfect round tits…"
Santana cupped one of Brittany's breasts gently to make her point before skimming her hand lower to tease at her hip. She let a bold thigh slip between Brittany's legs and pushed hard against her centre, revelling in the heat there.
"All of you," she reinforced with an appreciative moan.
Brittany smiled lazily, enjoying the attention.
"And yet how many girls have I been with since realising this?" Santana asked, getting back on topic again. She had to make sure Brittany was fully reassured… and besides she hadn't made her point yet.
"Just me?" Brittany offered hesitantly as though fearing it wasn't true…
Santana pushed up and supported herself hovering above Brittany so she could look down at her and nodded.
"And do you know why?" Santana asked.
This time Brittany shook her head.
"Because you're enough for me," Santana revealed passionately, "More than enough."
Happy tears were glistening in Brittany's eyes now as Santana poured her adoration out to her.
"I don't need anyone else when I've got you. Your incredible body and your talented fingers and your magical tongue all keep me more than satisfied," Santana gushed intensely. "And your heart makes you perfect."
Brittany's response of course was to reach up and kiss her, which Santana enthusiastically returned.
Pulling away with a loud smack, Santana smiled widely down at the love of her life.
"So next time Puck gives you a hard time, you make sure you tell him about all the times I blew him off just to spend more time with you," Santana advised wisely.
"You really don't mind if I tell him that stuff?" Brittany asked in amazement. "You know, about us- before?"
"We're not a secret any more Britt. After the pain he put you through today you should tell him everything. Rub it in his face that you were always my only choice. He deserves it." Sadly Santana knew that it wouldn't have always seemed like some of her past actions supported this latest confession- but in her heart she knows it had always been Brittany.
"Everything, really?" Brittany's eye's boggled at the possibilities, making Santana blush as they both must have shared the same train of thoughts.
"Okay maybe not everything;we don't want him getting off on our life," Santana admitted with a reflective chuckle. "We have done some kinky stuff… someone should really write it all down."
"I still don't like that he's been deeper inside of you than I have, though," Brittany muttered solemnly as she went off on her own tangent.
"Brittany, I just finished explaining how that's not important to me…" Santana said sighing patiently.
"Yeah I know…" Brittany shrugged still feeling a bit iffy on the subject.
"I've thought about it too…" Santana admitted eventually in a small voice. Brittany had slept with her fair share of partners too…
"Maybe 'werepeens' would have their benefits after all," Brittany suggested conversationally.
Santana screwed up her face in scepticism but decided to humour her lover, "Oh yeah?"
"Yeah," Brittany smiled mischievously at her, "I'd totally make you pregnant."
"What am I going to do with a baby?" Santana snorted at that suggestion.
"It'd be our baby, since I would be the second mommy… er-the daddy," Brittany fumbled as she got confused by the newly proposed body part involved in the whole process.
Santana laughed at her adorable girlfriend.
"Hey let's just focus on finishing school first. Then we can start out small… maybe get a puppy or something…" Santana suggested.
"A puppy!" Brittany squealed excitedly as her eyes glazed over at the mere idea of it all.
Santana chuckled fondly again and started peppering soft kisses all over Brittany's face, before pulling away and staring at her seriously again.
"You know… if you're really worried about the whole 'being inside me' thing- not that you should be- but if you are…" Santana was stumbling with shyness at her own suggestion as she idly played with Brittany's hair. "Instead of relying on growing a werepeen, we could always just try getting you a strap-on?"
Brittany raised an eyebrow appraisingly, making Santana blush harder.
"A sex toy?" Brittany smiled coyly up at her.
"I mean we're hot enough without 'adding' anything- that's for sure… but if you ever wanna try something new…" Santana trailed off shrugging in a 'why not' gesture.
"Can it be fluro pink?" Brittany asked excitedly.
"Sure babe," Santana giggled in amusement at where their conversation had taken them.
"How big do you think I should be?" Brittany asked next, waggling her eyebrows.
Santana rolled her eyes playfully and sat up straddling Brittany's hips once more.
"I dunno…" Santana shrugged before continuing cheekily, "It's your cock."
"Well I want it to be realistic," Brittany stated poetically as though it should have been obvious.
"I thought you wanted it to be fluro pink?" Santana teased.
"The size should be realistic…" Brittany said rolling her eyes- again as though these things should have been obvious to Santana.
"Uh… 7 inches?" Santana suggested.
"That's pretty big…" Brittany replied, now blushing at the mental image of herself with the additional appendage.
"Do you doubt the impressiveness of your potential package?" Santana supplied good-naturedly with a playful wink.
"Okay…" Brittany eventually agreed. "And I mean that seems like a reasonable size on you too…"
"Whatever do you mean?" Santana asked with a mocking grin.
"Well… I mean, I'm not going to be the only one wearing it…" Brittany stammered as her ears turned red.
"Why Brittany- are you asking me to fuck you with a strap-on?" Santana chortled. She was suddenly enjoying this far too much…
Brittany's embarrassment was adorable.
"Only if you wanna…" Brittany mumbled shyly.
"Oh don't worry I want to," Santana smirked as she rolled her hips suggestively. "But I'll get my own- one that better reflects my stature…"
Brittany raised a curious eyebrow but waited for Santana to tell her more…
"A whopping 10 inch black monster," Santana embellished colourfully enjoying when Brittany's eyes bugged out in horror…
"San!" Brittany squeaked. "It's gotta be realistic!"
"What are you trying to say?" Santana tried to look offended but her eyes were bright with humour. "And it'll be this thick too."
She held out her hands making a circle roughly the size of a tennis ball. Brittany squirmed beneath her as her eyes got even wider.
"You're not coming near me with that thing!" Brittany exclaimed fervently.
"Oh yeah?" Santana challenged. "You wanna bet?"
And then Santana pounced on Brittany with tickles, sending the blonde into a fit of squeals and giggles.
Eventually Brittany got the upper hand and rolled them over, restoring balance to their usual power play as she settled on top of Santana and delivered a hard kiss.
"I love you," Brittany whispered as she pulled back slightly.
"I love you too, so much," Santana gushed back.
"You were only joking about that 10 inch strap-on right?" Brittany asked still requiring a little assurance on the matter.
"Yeah," Santana admitted cutely.
Brittany leaned down and kissed her again, raising her eyebrows when Santana wasted no time in opening her mouth to her and sucking urgently on her tongue. She giggled into the kiss and rolled them back over letting Santana take the lead for now... she clearly had some serious worshipping of the female form in mind and who was Brittany to get in her way?
Luckiest person alive- that's who.