Lady Heavy on the Rag

a silly short by Dot


The signs had all been there: the increasing bursts of temper, the rising frequency of trips to the "leettle Ladies room"-as if there were anything about the Russian brick shithouse that was little or ladylike-and the growing preference towards red meat to the point of eating slabs of raw beef. Everyone else was now in a state of constant vigil as if on pins and needles while they counted the days.
Then It happened. The walls shook as she stomped up and down the hallways, bellowing in broken English: "HEAVY WANT SNU-SNU!"

They had succeeded too well in avoiding her. There was no placating the enraged beast now without at least one of them gave in to her demands. And since no-one was willing to provide, she headed to the first room she could find and began bashing down the door, punctuating each slam with her mantra.

"HEAVY!" Bash. "WANT!" Bash. "SNU!" Bash. "SNU!" Bash.

The door held, as it was reinforced against greater ordinance than even that of the Heavy, but the hinges did not, and the Heavy claimed her prize, dragging her wailing, screaming victim back to her own room with no heed to his cries.

"Leggo! C'mon, please, leggo!" The Scout tried to grab onto something, anything, but the Heavy proved too strong. "I changed my mind, I wanna die a virgin! I wanna die a virgin!"

Meanwhile, on the third floor, the Sniper sipped at his coffee and watched the sunrise. "Huh, sounds loike she got th' 'ooligan this toime." He chuckled. "Poor bastard."

The Engineer frowned even deeper, making himself look all the more ridiculous as he had managed to wedge the rest of his body under the bed. "That ain't funny, Slim."

The Sniper wasn't phased. "You feel so bad for th' kid, you go down there and take one for th' team, then."

The Engineer paled at the suggestion. "Hell, no! I don't put my dick in crazy!"

The Sniper chuckled again. "You and me both, mate."


Bonus ending:
As the sounds of destruction began again that next month, the Soldier set his jaw. "Enough is enough, men! I'm not cowering like some maggot while that Commie goes on her rampage!" He jammed his helmet on and saluted the others. "I'm going down there and doing what I should have done last month!"

The Demoman was the sole member of the team who could return the salute with a straight face. "Godspeed, ye daft bastard."

With that, the Soldier started stomping downstairs, yelling at the top of his lungs: "All right, you pinko monster, let's see if you can handle a taste of some real all-American manhood! Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaarge!"