Welcome one, welcome all to the third entry to the Group of Weirdos series. I'll be your host for the next year and a half, so allow me to open by explaining the format for those unaware. Basically, the bosses Link beat will join him on his quest. That's all there really is to it. Also, ninety percent of characters are messed in the head. But that's just my writing style.

If you happen to encounter any typos, please tell me. I try to proofread several times but, well, I've missed things before. I was rereading GoW:MM and was horrified at some of the obvious things I missed. As you can tell I hate typos. Now I've seen other authors offer imaginary rewards for people who point out mistakes, so you guys will get... um... a 60 inch HD plasma TV, partnered with a surround sound stereo system and blue ray player. Imaginary of course. Yeah. Beat that other authors.

Published August 14, 2011

Startin' with a Fetch Quest

It was after a long day of work and toil that two men sat beside a natural fountain, relishing in the tranquility. One man was obviously older than the other, sporting an impressive beard, while the other seemed to be in his late teens, sporting nothing unique.

"Tell me," said the older man, "do you ever feel a strange sadness as dusk falls? They say it's the only time when our world intersects with theirs... The only time we can feel the lingering regrets of spirits who have left our world."

Link looked over to Rusl, blinking confusedly. "What?"

"It is the hour of twilight, the hour where we can feel their loneliness..."

He put a hand on Rusl's shoulder, patting him comfortingly. "I'm sorry that your play never made it big, but you don't need to constantly quote it. Let it go, please, we're all worried about you."

Rusl jerked away, almost tearing up. "It was my life's work! I can't just 'let it go'! You don't know what it's like Link, to have your whole life just thrown out the window by some rich bureaucrat who's never done an honest day's work! But I'll have my revenge... sweet, glorious revenge... I'll show them what happens when you wrong Rusl Vengeanceson! On a completely unrelated note, can you deliver something to the royal family of Hyrule for me in a few days? I was supposed to go but, er, things came up."

Link sent him a dry glare. "I don't see anything suspicious about that at all."

"You have never been to Hyrule, right?"

"No... And I don't think this is the occasion that will bring me there."

Rusl chuckled, looking out at the water. "It's a magnificent place. There is a great castle, far more massive than any tree which has ever grown, and a town around it leagues larger than our little village. There are also quite a lot of hot rich girls who would love to feel the muscles of a young, strong farm boy like yourself."

Link stood up, brushing himself off. "Well, I think I'd better get some sleep now. Best leave bright any early for Hyrule, eh?"

"Not quite yet." Rusl joined him in standing. "I need to talk to the mayor about it first, to clear up some issues. Let's head back to the village for now."


The two men began to gather their supplies, Link untying his loyal steed Epona. The great horse had three bundles of wood lashed to her back and sides, agitating her profusely in that Link didn't feel the need to take them off before sitting in the shade for half an hour. As a result, she head butted him upon getting within range. For those unaware, a horse bashing heads with a human hurts the human... a lot.

"OW! Girl, why did you do that?" he groaned, picking himself up off the floor. Epona snorted indignantly and began to follow Rusl, ignoring him. "Not nice at all..."

Not even an hour later, Link was abruptly distracted by a loud yelling outside his house. He grumbled, shouting, "What?"

"You mind helpin' me herd the goats?" Fado the goatman shouted back. "They ain't listenin' to me lately! Must be because o' them being in matin' season, and they didn't like me segregating the males and females so I don't have a hundred thousand babies runnin' around. You know how large their litter gets, eh? It's 'bout a hundred babies per goat!"

"I did not need to know any of that. I'm coming, I'm coming..." He began to search for his shoes.

"Hey, where's Epona?"

Link froze midway through putting his boot on. "Oh no... Not again..."

-One revelation later-

He peeked out from the small hole in the cliff, looking at the subjects standing alone in the local spring. Ilia was humming happily as she gave Epona a much needed washing. He needed to find a way to get her away from his companion, but how?

Despite the risk to his own safety, Link sent his hand out of the hole and grabbed a rock. With a well timed throw he had it splash at the opposite end of the spring. Ilia looked in that direction, distracted by the noise.

That was his signal. Link dashed out of his hiding place, leaped onto Epona with a single bound and took off. "Sorry-Ilia-I-need-to-go-round-up-some-goats-see-you-later-bye!"

"H-hey! Link, I wasn't done! She needs her mane braided!"

But he was already long gone.


With his steed secured, Link and Epona cantered on up to the Ordon Ranch. "I'm back."

Fado stood just beside the entrance, staring mournfully out at the goats. "Great Link, thanks for coming. These darlings have been awfully aggressive lately. They won't listen to a word I say. I mean, yeah, I neutered half of them because I had nothing better to do and I ride the other half daily, but what else are you going to do with a goat? We don't eat them, we don't drink their milk because it's poisonous to us, we really don't do anything but waste resources up here."

"Please stop talking to me."

Link and Epona ran at the herd of goats, whooping at them in an attempt to drive them toward the opened barn. The goats simultaneous looked at the duo and roared, all ten charging at him in response.

"This was a bad idea."

The first goat climbed onto another's back and jumped through the air, tackling Link off his horse's back. He struggled with it on the ground for a moment until managing to get on top of the goat, putting it in a headlock. "Aha! Who's got who now?"

The goat tried to buck him off, only succeeding in wearing itself down. Eventually, it settled for letting out a cry which alerted the other goats of its plight. They stopped chasing Epona and ran to assist their comrade. "Also a bad idea."

He bailed from his current target as the others piled on top of it, sparing himself from a horrible fate.

"You can do it Link!" Fado shouted from safety. "I believe in you!"


"Keep up the good work!"


Link ran in front of the barn, finding himself between it and a vicious goat. The goat charged at him, bowing its head in an attempt to bash with its blunt horn. Out of reflex he dove to the side. The goat ran inside the barn and into a stall which closed on it.


He froze. "Who said that?" There was no answer.

Seeing as this strategy worked, Link did it over and over, growing more disturbed by the omniscient voice with every success. Sadly, by the final goat, it had learned from the mistakes of its cohorts. It watched Link carefully, analyzing his every move. This tactic was negated when Epona came up behind it and kicked it face first into the barn. Link slammed the doors shut and barred them, sighing in relief.

GOAT IN! That's all for today folks, I'll be back next time!

Fado approached them, clapping wildly. "Link, Epona, much obliged to both of y'all! With a beating like that in them I think I can cover tomorrow without havin' to trouble you twos. You can take it easy and relax, bud."

Link tented his fingers, cackling quietly. "I plan to relax tomorrow, oh yes I do..."

"That was ominous. Well, have a good night!"

-The next day-

"Hey, wake up, Link!"

Link was once again awoken by a shout from outside, this one courtesy of the village children. He rolled over and put his pillow over his head, pretending to have not heard them.

"Link, I know you're there! Come on, it's morning already!"

"Someday, you'll learn to appreciate the greatness of sleeping in," he shouted out at them.

"But not today! Come on, we wanna see you stab wooden targets!"

He begrudgingly went out to meet them, dragging his wooden sword with almost no energy. "I got it here."

"That's old news!" Talo declared, glaring at his sword.

"But you just said-"

"Link, they're selling a slingshot at the store right now! A SLINGSHOT! It's like a stick, only it splits off, and it has a sling on it, and you can shoot at things with small rocks, and it's the most awesome thing ever conceived by human hands! We need to get it!"

Malo, Talo's younger brother who looked like a baby planning to take over the world, said, "I wonder how powerful it is... I must try it... Talo, buy it for me at once!"

Beth, the relatively level headed member of their trio of misfits, decided to bring some common sense into them. "If you two want it so badly just buy it."

"Beth, do you see any rupees in my hand? I don't have money, you know that! Can't you just loan it to us for a while?"


Their discussion began to fade away until someone began poking Link's side. "Link? Are you awake?"

He jumped in place, swatting away Talo's hand. "Huh? Oh, yeah, I didn't fall asleep standing up because your conversation was ridiculously boring. Why would you ask me that? Did you hear that? The mayor calls, gotta go!" He ran.

-In the village-

"Hey, Link, up here!"

Link looked up at the sound of Jaggle, Malo and Talo's father. Upon locking eyes he screamed, jumping back. "Sweet Farore, what happened to your face?"

Jaggle laughed, the forehead that took up over half of the front of his head not budging an inch. "You see, I feel into the river and got dragged around by the current a few minutes ago, and when I came out I looked like this. Crazy, eh?"

"That's horrific! You need to see a doctor!"

Jaggle laughed again. "Doctors, who needs 'em? What have they ever done for me?"

"They removed that second nose you used to have on your elbow. Now that I think about it, a lot of terrifying stuff happens to your body. Didn't you have two heads for a day?"

"That's life for you. Now take a look over there. Sera, the general store owner's cat, is just sitting next to my house having a staring contest with the creek all night."

"This is going to turn into some sort of trivial fetch quest, isn't it?"

Jaggle shrugged. "That's not what I wanted to talk to you about anyway. See that grass growing over there?" He pointed at a pillar of rock several metres away. "Haven't I seen you whistle with that stuff before?"

"Yeah... where is this going?"

-Several seconds later-

Link screamed, waving his arms wildly as a horde of hawks enveloped him, fighting for the right to land on him. This had the unfortunate side effect of mauling him viciously. "THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA!"

As it turned out, to get the slingshot Link had to buy it at the general store. However, the store owner was depressed and wouldn't sell anything until she had her cat back. The cat wanted a fish and, after being even more viciously maimed trying to grab it and bring it back, he had to get a fishing rod in order to give it the fish it wanted. To get a fishing rod he had to use the hawk grass to summon a hawk and shoot a monkey, snatching the cradle it had stolen and giving it to a pregnant woman who rewarded him with the fishing rod her son worked so hard to make. Using this he caught a fish and learned the valuable lesson that yes, cats do eat fish. The cat ran back to its home and he was given a free bottle for his troubles. Before he could get the slingshot he had to roll through the grass and break open pumpkins to get the thirty rupees required as he was completely broke. Needless to say, the pumpkin farmers were not pleased.

"I... HATE... fetch quests," the farm boy hissed, slapping the rupees down on the counter.

"What an odd thing to say. Here's your slingshot!"

Upon acquiring it he heard a voice shout from outside the shop window. "You got the slingshot! Children LOVE this item. You can hold up to fifty pellets- Hey! Fuck off bees! OW! THEY'RE STINGING ME WITH THEIR STINGERS AND IT HURTS! WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE A NATURAL DEFENCE SUPERIOR TO MY OWN?" With all that completed, he returned to the children.


"Wow, you had enough money to buy it?"

"Well, the pumpkins did..."

To his irritation, Link was forced to shoot out at least a dozen targets for the amusement of the children. He eventually lied, saying that he was out of ammunition.

"You gotta teach us how to use a sword then," Talo exclaimed, jumping with joy.

"Haven't we done this already?"

"This is for real! Lately these monkeys have been coming out of the woods and playing tricks on us! We want to get them good!"

"By goring them? All right, this is something I can fully support." So he completely devastated his training dummy for their amusement.

"I get it now!" Talo exclaimed, swinging a branch around as though it was a sword. "Now I can beat up all those monkeys, right?"

"Nay, first you need something sharper than that so they'll actually die when you smack them. Otherwise they'll just bite you and you'll probably get sick. I was bitten by a monkey once and it is not an experience I will ever wish upon another human being. In fact, it's probably why I hate animals so much."

Beth pointed behind Link dramatically. "There's one!"

Talo, also seeing the monkey, let out a mighty scream and ran at it, chasing it into the woods. The other two kids followed, disappearing down the path. For a moment Link did nothing, mentally wondering if he should even bother. Eventually, his morals overcame his laziness and he walked after them.

Not long after his 'pursuit' began, he saw Beth off to the side, standing around. "Talo and Malo went chasing that monkey like maniacs," she explained. "I can't keep up with those two."

Just a bit further was Malo. He pointed across the only bridge out of the village. "They went that way."

"And so the monkey chase begins."