All I can say is that time management becomes very hard, even with summer break! Gotta get back into it... Also, if you don't own Metal Gear Rising, get it. Okay, I know what you're here for, let's do this!

Published May 21, 2013

Frigid Fracas

Two dark hands slowly pulled themselves up past the edge of the cliff, and with a grunt, their owner brought himself with them. After a few more moments, Fyrus stood flat on the snowy plateau, a big grin on his face. "Fyrus succeeded! ...Oh, where did everyone go?" Looking around and seeing no one, he shrugged and began to walk.

-In Snowpeak-

"Mm, this challenge is looking too easy... You know what it needs to spice life up?"

Link's eyes widened, never taking focus off of the ice monster swinging a halberd at him from atop a thin and icy rafter. Two levels below was the cold, solid stone of the cathedral's floor. "Wait what? Mask you better not-"

A strong breeze soared in from the windows, completely throwing off the not-hero's balance. Arms shot out, flailing desperately. "YOU ASSHOLE THIS WAS A HORRIBLE IDEA!" Just as his feet slipped out from under him, a vine snatched him around the waist.

"Huh, I didn't even do anything yet. Man, the universe just hates you!" Majora erupted into wicked cackles as Diababa stabilized Link, allowing him to parry one more strike before Stallord shot in to brutally ram the ice monster into shards.

"I liked you better when you were quiet..."

"Tough, ain't it?"

"WOOO!" Displaying the restraint of an unsupervised child in a house made of candy, a large ball on a chain was swung just inches above his head by one King Dodongo, taking out two supports for the brittle roof. A groan reverberated through the already barely stable room just before a half of it caved in, killing the remaining ice monsters and burying the dragon skull who had been butchering them. He yanked back, letting the iron ball decelerate to a standstill. "Man, I can see why tripod got his own weapon. This thing's fun!"

Link stared, slack jawed within Diababa's vine. "You- you- you just took the roof, and, it was up, down on Stallord, he's under, why would, what made... WHY?"

"Oh he's a big skull, he's dead already, he'll be fine." The dragon hopped down to the lower level, his landing sending a web of cracks through what remained of the floor, before using the pile of wreckage and ice as a slope to enter the next part of what little remained of the manor.

The number of walls still standing on Snowpeak just barely required two hands to count. The initial area housing Yeto and Yeta were in pristine condition. The only indication that those doors weren't supposed to lead from outdoors to an interior were the jagged edges and dangling shingles. Next, the central tower which housed the bedrooms and the Mirror of Twilight, being a cylinder, only counted as one wall by Majora's standards and thus made one hand when added to the previous chambers. Additionally, the mask argued that not all beasts in the world had just five digits on a hand and it would be racist to consider that the average when their most numerously equipped partner was Diababa, with ten vines per bulb.

These semantics had little consequence on the demolition crew's destructive habits, however. With the cathedral barely standing, only two more miscellaneous structures remained.

Link, Diababa, Midna and Morpheel lowered themselves down very carefully, meaning Morpheel was dropped, Midna floated, and Dia jumped with Link in her grasp. "Uh, can someone make sure he's okay under there?" Link said as soon as he regained his bearings.

"On it!" Diababa bounced on over. "Hey! You okay under all those bits of rubble and wood and stone and that giant statue and the steeple?"


"Cool!" She returned to Link. "He's fine."

"Good, let's leave him and get going," Morpheel snapped, starting to roll over.

The rubble shifted. "Where... did he go? Is he still in here?" came the growl from within.

Diababa shook her eye. "Nope! Hopped on ahead, to that nice looking building."

"Which I'm sure has ages of historical value!" Majora merrily added.

"While it's being destroyed, how about we go and actually grab the key?" Midna asked, not much care in her voice directed toward the collateral damage. "I'm fairly sure that he smashed the place on the map down twenty minutes ago, and we just got turned around when Yeto's soup exploded."

"Don't talk about the soup explosion, my right eye still feels like it's been impregnated by an Iron Knuckle!" Stallord roared as a half of the rubble erupted in a burst of flame, a second blast finally freeing the skull.

The eye nearby scoffed in indignation, ignoring the splinters and stone shards bouncing off him. "Oh, you think your socket feels bad? I haven't burned this badly since Barinade tried to make me manipulate lava! There's physical pain, and then there's having every particle in the universe beat you in the nuts with a plank of wood."

"If you're an eye, how do you know what getting hit in the nuts feels like?"

"Because shut up."

"In fact, if a particle is holding a plank of wood, that wood will be made of more particles, and so each of those will be- I'm afraid you've created an infinite hole of logic."

"Stop doing that thing that produces noise, now."

"What I'm actually producing is vibrations, caused normally by a simple process involving the exhalation of air, but I don't have to exhale so I-"

"AH!" A thunderous series of crashes echoes through the peaks around them, a few flakes of snow drifting to the floor as the building King Dodongo had wandered into fell upon itself. Thanks to the direction of the wind, a few pillars and half a roof tumbled down onto Stallord. Again.

"Goddesses... Are you two okay?" Link called out.

For a few moments, only the wind blew through. Then...

"Mmrf..." Stallord's pile shook, and the battered skull nudged his way into the open air. "Where is he, I'll kill him..."

"Might not have to!" Majora piped in. "That was a lot of solid stuff on his head, and that scream might have been initial bodily harm. Could be dead already!"

"I'm... not dead..."

"Who wants to put him out of his misery?" the mask asked in a singsong tune.

Stallord barred his teeth. "We should leave him. Let him suffer."

"Enough with the joking, could someone get him out already?" Link asked anxiously, eager to get going before these insane psychopaths went too crazy. They had to get a key, get the mirror, and then hope that the yetis would be too blind to notice that a rampaging dragon thought the walls looked better horizontal.

"Yeah, they can do that, going to get the key in the meantime." Midna not so gently guided Link across the courtyard and in the direction of a brick mound, formerly a rather ornate chamber of the mansion. King Dodongo shouted something about the scent of some Gibdo painting company before bringing the place down, moving on immediately.

Carefully stepping out onto the ruined ruins, several questions went through Link's mind. "First... how am I ever going to find it, much less dig it out this year?"

Getting no immediate answer, Link turned to face the floating imp... but found himself alone. "Midna?" A strong breeze rustled his fur cloak, ear tips shivering. "Hello...?"

"Don't worry, you're not alone..." a dark voice said within the farm boy's mind, its wicked cackle sending the first shiver up his spine since he gained his coat. "I'll always be here. Waiting. Learning. Seeing. Hearing. Feeling. And once I start tasting, well, then you won't ever have to worry about me again, Link..."



Diababa's stalk popped out from between the bricks, looking down to Link as he hid behind a rafter sticking out. "Hi."


"Are you done screaming-"


"" Midna floated in a place that used to be behind him, a key around her finger.


The Twili pointed down lazily.


Holding her arm out, a big orange hair-hand reached out and plucked the trinket up, dangling it lightly.


He received a shrug. "Would you have rather been with them?"

Pausing while he thought about it, Link felt the ground rumble twice. "Yeah good point... Let's grab them and get going. I know we're gonna have to fight something big and mean up there, like always..." He weakly sighed, trudging on.

-Outside the bedroom-


The group had begun to climb the very broken stairs leading to the bedroom door. On reaching the top and rounding the last bend of the cylindrical tower, Link saw Yeta standing outside, screamed noisily, and jumped behind Diababa.

"Oh, there you are, uh. What... happen?"


"Uh? What for?"


"Rat bastard you sold me out!" Link ducked further to hide himself from the outside world completely, unintentionally dodging the giant metal ball that was swung where his head used to be.

"Did what, uh?"

Midna sighed. "All right, there was this big dumb thing with that wrecking ball which attacked us, and because it was such a stupid, rampaging beast it ended up destroying most of the mansion. Luckily, we managed to put it down before it hit you two."

"Oh. Uh, wasn't it always like this?"

"Yup, they're all stupid, can we get moving?"

"Uh, yes." Yeta turned around, sneezing quietly into her... fur? Then she began to walk.

A light cackling broke Link from his stupor, stunned into a scrambled silence at Yeta's complete ignorance toward the state of her home.

The bedroom was soon made open, its lock crashing to the floor as the group stepped into its dank, dark, furnished, finely carpeted, well lit confines with a small, kept fire flickering to the side... Link's eyes jerked from the floor to the ceiling, inspecting every corner as he dashed around the inside and checked under and behind everything. He knew there was a big baddy in there somewhere. Would the bed attack them? Maybe it was in the closet? Was the carpet the enemy?

As he thought, Yeta began to approach the mirror fragment perched on top of a dresser. "I will get, uh."

"Link why are you glaring at the floor?" Midna asked.

Link's eyes snapped up. "Uh, didn't realize I was. Just a bit paranoid that we're about to get attacked like always."

"Want me to supply a monster for you?" Majora merrily offered, shaking around.


"I'll take up that offer!" Stallord barred his teeth in a bloodthirsty grin.

"If you insist!"

"YOU NO TAKE MIRROR!" And the Yeta screamed out as the windows to the room exploded, a strong, chill wind swirling through the room. Her eyes were black and red, mouth suddenly full of fangs as a booming cackle echoed through the roaring storm.

Majora cackled over the winds. "Oh my, that wasn't me either, man these things just happen before I can even act, don't they?"

"I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, IT WAS JUST A QUESTION OF WHEN!" Link drew his sword, pulling his cloak tight.

The snow and ice formed around Yeta, solidifying and taking the shape of an ornately designed, bright jar-shaped structure.

Twilit Ice Mass
Likes: Cold
Dislikes: Being smashed by a big metal ball
Greatest Accomplishment: Is ice

Stallord scoffed at this. "Well that's lame. It won't bleed until we get to the juicy core. Even then, barely a mouthful."

The ice mass began to glide toward them across the freshly frozen floor.

"OH NO! WATCH IN HORROR AS IT CREEPS TOWARD US SLOWLY!" Stallord opened his mouth to charge a fireball, but before he could act King Dodongo had swung his wrecking ball forward and smashed the formation back across the room. "HEY! I called this one!"

"No you didn't, you were just bitching at how boring it looked." The dinosaur slung the ball over his back, grinning as Blizzeta crashed into the opposite wall. "Which means this one's mine."

"NO!" Morpheel shrieked.

"Hell yes, ball boy."

"NO! I mean I am sliding and I cannot obtain any grip!" True to his words, Morpheel very, very slowly slid ahead toward their rebounding foe. His spinning in the opposite direction did nothing to change momentum. "I COMMAND YOU TO ASSIST ME!"

Diababa bounced forward, pulling a bulb back. "Can do! Hold on tight!"

"Wait no not y-!"

It was too late. Diababa swung, smacking him toward their enemy like one would a golf ball. The small sphere bounced off the far more massive Blizzeta.


Watching King Dodongo and Stallord charge across the chamber, racing each other to be the first on to crack Blizzeta open, Link just shrugged and sat down against the wall, a small grin to his face. "This might actually go pretty well!"

King Dodongo smashed the ice with his ball again. "Be careful not to kill her! I want to capture her, and harness her ice making powers so I can gain a monopoly on the business."

As it flew back across the room, Stallord swung his rear around to knock it back. "My god that's brilliant, you'll have a monopoly on the oh so competitive crushed ice market! You're more clever than I gave you credit for!"

"NO YOU'RE HITTING IT TOWARD ME OW!" Morpheel was launched again.

"It's like a slapstick sketch, only without the admission fee," Majora cackled.

"Do you, uh, like slapstick?" Link hesitantly asked, not sure if he wanted to get to know the mask better or not.

"Totally! It's full of misfortune and suffering, makes me cackle every time. My favourite part is the end, when something always impales them and sprays viscera onto the crowds. The looks on their faces, oh..." Majora devolved into demented giggles.

"I should've known OH DIN IT'S COMING THIS WAY!"

From Stallord's last strike, Blizzeta was sliding his way, the house sized mass of ice preparing to crush Link between itself and solid wall. Seeing his danger, Diababa leapt into the fray, planting her roots firmly between it and Link, bracing for impact. "Don't worry Linny! I've got this!"

Diababa was flattened against the wall with Link, squishiness at least saving him from being splattered. They received more force when the dragons began to further smash Blizzeta's shell, but eventually the giant of ice shattered.

Yeta recoiled across the room, snow floating around her as she came to a halt in the air. Shrieking again, more wind poured into the room, giving the possessed yeti a new shell. This one was pretty much a cube, and much smaller, but floating around it were a dozen blocks of ice, the bottom side of each sharpened into a vicious point.

"Okay, that one has some more danger to it, but still, nothing threatening." Stallord barred his teeth in a grin. "And there's less ice between me and her..."

"Leave it to me!" Whirling around his ball and chain, King Dodongo hefted a mighty throw at the hovering abomination. Sadly he underestimated the distance, and so the weight reached its maximum distance and recoiled back, smashing into his teeth. With a high pitched shriek the dinosaur collapsed out cold.

"Ouch, that looked painful!" Majora cackled.

"How do you see from in there?"

"I'm in your heaaaad~"


A vine wrapped around Link's waist. "Kingy's down, we need backup!" Diababa shouted before flinging him into the fray.

"WAIT WHAT?" Scrambling on the ice, the hero fell painfully onto his rear, yelping. Blizzeta, seeing a new, vulnerable target, brought her sharp ice crashing down to him. Just barely getting a grip on the slippery surface, Link kicked off, the blocks digging in just inches behind him. Unfortunately, he was yanked when it turned out that the ice was impaled through his cloak, or more accurately Ashei's cloak. "NO!" Seeing another one of those blocks moving above him, he slipped out of the robe to get further away, avoiding death once again.

Before more could be brought down on the poor farm boy, the main cube was headbutted by Stallord. "Forgetting someone?!" He twisted, snapping his jaw around it. Blizzeta shot through the air, the skull refusing to let go, at least until it smashed into one of the chamber's walls. "NOPE!" The other wall met him as well, and then the first again, its stone and ice breaking enough to reveal more of the outside sky. "STILL NOT LETTING GO, HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

The room shook. All combatants stopped moving. Stallord's eyes looked around, Blizzeta's ice became still, Link checked to make sure he wasn't being murdered anymore, Diababa stopped trying to wake up King Dodongo, and Morpheel... was completely unable to stop sliding.

The ceiling cracked, then those cracks spread, and then it shattered. "HELLO!" Fyrus fell through the roof, a big smile on his face as Blizzeta and Stallord became flattened under his huge ass on impact. Ice shards were blasted everywhere as the enemy was smashed to bits. "Fyrus butt feel pointy."

"That's because you're on Skully," Diababa told him, returning to poking King Dodongo's neck.

"Y-you okay under there?" Link calls out, cautiously reclaiming his shredded cloak, cringing. "She is going to kill me..."

"...Fucking peachy."

The ice and snow inside the room began to melt, and as soon as Fyrus stood up the shard of the mirror formed from the still Yeta, hovering over her. Midna floated out of her safety shadow and snatched it with her hair hand, tucking the large object away. "Okay, that happened. But at least we have two mirror shards now. There should be two more left if they're all this size."

"Who wants to bet that Zant was a cock and took a tiny little sliver for himself?" Morpheel said, scoffing.

"Mm, bet?" King Dodongo's eyelids flickered open.

Midna rolled her eyes. "I doubt he- HEY! You're not allowed near her Skully, I think we've beaten her around enough without eating her."

"I wasn't planning to eat her," Stallord grumbled, floating lazily away from Yeta. "I don't eat unless it's still able to fight back. Funner, yadda, my head is killing me again..."

The Twili glared at him before returning her attention to the others. "Regardless, I want the rest of you to avoid getting your hands on these mirror pieces. If they can do that to someone normal, I don't want to see what would happen to one of you."

"Morpha might actually be able to hurt someone..." Kingy mumbled to himself.



"You guys are loud," said a new, dull voice.

Everyone looked around, then down to near Fyrus' feet were the voice originated. "FYRUS HAS TALKING TOES!"

"No, that was me." By shoving the unconscious Yeta aside, an ice cube with many of Blizzeta's intricate carvings was revealed. It was about one foot in dimensions. "Sup."

"It's so cuuute! Can we keep it?" Majora squealed from Link's pack.

The Hylian shook his head, cautiously approaching the cube. "You just get more weird every day... So, uh, what're... who're you...?"

"Dunno. Probably just the leftover evil energy contained within the last remnant of that whatever. Blizzeta, I guess. I'm an ice cube."

"I... see..." Link stood awkwardly beside Blizzeta's remains. "Can you, uh, move?"

"Uh... One sec..." The cube began to float. "Sure, looks like it."

Stallord grinned. "Welcome to the group, target practice!"

"Group? Huh, yeah, there is a lot of you weirdos."

"Yup!" Diababa bounced across the room, landing inches away from Blizzeta. "We are an assembled group of outcasts, fighting tyranny and oppression for the sake of the freedom of nature! United under a common purpose, though our stories may all be different, we courageously venture onward into the unknown for the sake of our lands, people, friends and loved ones. Like many before you, you first fought for the side of evil, but no longer are you bound by such vines. You are free, and with this freedom you may make others as free as yourself! Come with us, and you can use your icy powers, born from the glorious forces of nature, just like my supergreat plant powers, ooo this'll be so much fun! You'll fit right in!"