Crazy Steve is the nickname for Frank Miller's All Star Batman as given by comic book reviewer Linkara. Linkara felt that Batman was so OOC that he was actually a hobo named Crazy Steve. The following story pokes fun at All Star Batman. If you don't know anything about All Star Batman and Robin, then I suggest watching Linkara's reviews on the books or reading I-Mockery's reviews by replacing the DOTS with .'s in the links below.
"What? Bruce Wayne is not Batman!" Dick yells, waving his arms frantically. "No, just...no. How could Bruce be Batman?" he probes the team. Artemis scoffs and puts on her 'duh' face.
"We know you are Richard Grayson, therefore why wouldn't your adoptive father be Batman?" Artemis says. She turns to her other teammates to help her out. Wally suddenly finds cleaning his goggles with a wet wipe very important. Aqualad meets Robin's eyes.
"Bruce Wayne certainly has the motivation to fight criminals for the better of Gotham City when you consider his traumatic loss of his parents at such a young age," Kaldur reasons.
"He's rich beyond compare so he can buy all those fancy gadgets," Megan adds.
"Bruce Wayne is the same height and build as Batman," Superboy offers. The team turns to Wally for his piece. Wally tosses his used wipe into a trashcan with a flourish. The teens watch the redhead expectantly.
"He likes fast cars," Wally reluctantly chips in. "Like, you know, the Batmobile." The rest of the team find this inference less than helpful. Artemis rolls her eyes. Wally pretends not to notice.
"His foppish persona is obviously a cover for his secret identity, Dick," Artemis claims with a frosty smirk.
"It's okay. We won't reveal that we know his secret. We just need to know that you trust us with this information," Megan says, pushing a lock of red hair behind her ear.
"It is vital that the team knows how to prevent revealing his identity by accident, Robin," Aqualad says, taking his role as leader seriously.
Robin groans and turns to his best friend for support. The worry slowly dissipates from Wally's face as it is replaced with an ear-to-ear grin.
"Rob, I think we should just tell them the truth," Wally says sedately. He gives Dick a coded gesture. Dick's eyes flash momentarily.
Robin gives a dramatic sigh.
"You're right, Wally. I can't let them go on believing something that could endanger Bruce." Robin tosses his hands in air with a shrug. "I'm going to have to tell them Batman's real secret identity."
Aqualad, Artemis, Superboy, and Miss Martian look among themselves to see if their teammates are likewise confused.
"Batman isn't Bruce Wayne?" Superboy questions with a frown. Artemis folds her arms across her chest.
"Let's pretend that you're telling the truth and Bruce Wayne isn't Batman. I am not convinced that, of all of us, you told Wally Batman's real identity first. I mean he's Wally," she finishes lamely.
"There is some logic to the concept, Artemis; after all, we know that Robin revealed his own identity to Wally before of the rest of us," Kaldur reminds sensibly. Wally agrees readily.
"It's the bro code, dudes. Me and Dick," he locks two fingers together, "are like this." He offers a fist to his "bro" and they tap them together three times in a special pattern. Superboy shifts from boot to boot.
"Are you going to tell us or not, Dick?"
"Oh, right. Sorry," Robin says with a calming smile. "Care to help me explain, Walls?"
"No probs, bro."
"So, first off," Robin starts, "Bruce is in the dark about a lot of what Steve does, so don't go talking to him about it."
Artemis mouths 'Steve?' skeptically. Superboy grimaces. Aqualad takes a breath and motions for the team to leave the boys alone.
"Steve is Batman, in this story, I assume?" the leader asks. Wally nods audaciously.
"Really, everyone calls him Crazy Steve," Wally exclaims. "It's a term of endearment, I swear."
"Right. And how did Mr. Steve become Batman?" Kaldur inquires.
"Well, you see, Bruce was very disturbed by his parents death. He wanted to make a difference and didn't know how. Then, one day he meet Steve nearby the street where his parents had been killed." Robin turns to Wally. Wally continues the story.
"Yeah. It was fate. Brucie, he just knew that Steve was the answer to all his problems when he saw how he fought. Steve, you see, learned how to fight on the streets," Wally explains.
"He was mentored by a hobo guy named Stick!" Dick tags in exuberantly. Artemis frowns. She thinks she's heard this part somewhere else before. Wally chugs right along.
"Right. Stick taught Steve everything he knew, but Steve didn't have the resources to put those skills to their ultimate use."
"That's where Bruce comes in," Dick says. "Brucie started meeting with Crazy Steve every other day-"
"They would have met every day but Steve smells pretty bad and Brucie couldn't handle it," Wally buts in.
"Right. I almost forgot that part. Thank you, bro," Dick says. "Anyways, Bruce let Steve explain his dreams of having somewhere safe to live, of fixing Gotham the way he wanted it, of putting an end to the powerful elite who use their powers willy nilly, of ending corruption, of a new tomorrow." Robin smiles wistfully at Crazy Steve's imagined future. Wally picks up from where Dick left off.
"And then one day when Bruce and Steve were mediating by the gutter of a rat infested alley, Steve had a vision."
The room is silent as Wally builds suspense. "He saw...a bat! A bat that would swoop in and eat the rats that infested the streets of Gotham. A bat that would protect the defenseless and end world hunger."
"He also saw a hooker in his vision but Crazy Steve is always seeing hookers everywhere so we'll just ignore that part," Dick chimes in. "Bruce saw the potential in Steve, but he didn't know how to nourish it. In the end, Bruce gave Steve access to all the costumery, gadgets, and tools that he would need to make his dream a reality," Dick says.
By now, even Artemis, the most doubting of the bunch, is fully absorbed in the story. Superboy huffs when the boys don't continue quickly. Wally coughs.
"And the goddamn Batman was born from the sparks of that beautiful vision!"
"Wally!" Megan gasps. "No cursing in front of Superboy." Superboy rubs two fingers into the center of his temple and groans.
"Sorry, right. I forgot," Wally apologies. Megan smiles graciously.
"Anyways," Dick segues, "the... goshdarn... Batman was very good at his job. But Brucie, he is a fickle chap and even though he loved the dream Steve strove to accomplish, he just sorta forgot about his old chum."
"I would never to that to you, buddy," Wally mentions, giving Robin's hand a small squeeze.
"Thanks Walls," Dick murmurs, pretending to force himself not to cry. Bemused, Aqualad tells them to proceed once more.
"So, Batman needed Brucie for his financial aid," Wally reminds. "But with Bruce boy so busy dating cheer-leading teams and swimming in pools of liquid gold, Steve lost that support."
"That's where Robin comes in," Dick states. "You see, I was an orphaned circus boy who really just wanted to be part of Crazy Steve's family. I didn't mind at all when he kidnapped me. I wasn't bothered when he kept insisting I was age twelve instead of nine. I guess pretending I was three years older made him feel like he wasn't endangering me."
"It's things like that that make you know he really cares," Wally adds.
"Certainly," Dick agrees. "Steve is crazy protective. That's why we call him Crazy Steve even."
"Yeah, ole Crazy just loves making sure Dick gets the right amount of rat in his diet because he cares this much." Wally opens his arms wide to suggest a sizable amount.
"I prefer the term 'City Chicken'. Rat has a negative connotation," Dick says. "Anyways, me and Steve took a really long drive in the Batmobile. Like I think I was in there until I actually was age twelve. After I got out, me and Steve went to the Batcave and had some City Chicken. Then he explained to me his plan to get back in Bruce's good graces."
"The reason he kidnapped Dick," Wally says, suspiciously almost like a question. Dick nods.
"He kidnapped me so I could use my cute orphan puppy dog eyes to get Bruce to adopt me. Once Bruce adopted me, I hacked into his bank accounts and set up all of the goddamn Batman's funds."
"And then you became Robin, the boy wonder?" Megan asks.
"Yup, he did." Wally turns to Robin. "Tell them why you're called Robin."
"Well, Steve didn't have another vision or anything...he just thought bats were birds...I didn't have the heart to explain to him the difference." Robin looks gloomy.
"That's okay, Robin. He's your friend. White lies don't break the bro code," Wally comforts. They hug each other and sniffle weakly.
The boys are still hugging each other when Batman makes his presence known with a gruff noise. The boys tense drastically and slowly face their mentor.
"What's up, Batman?" Wally chokes out boldly. He figures things can't get much worse no matter what he says at this point. Batman slits his white lenses. He ignores Wally and turns to his protege.
"Robin, are normal lies acceptable parts of this "bro code" you speak so reverentially about?" he asks with a low growl.
"No, sir," Robin replies as he withdraws from Wally's hug and tries to slowly back away towards the door. Batman pretends to be astounded.
"Is that so?" He eyes the team suspiciously. "Then I suppose I should offer each and every one of you your daily doses of rat? I do not believe there is an important nutritional value, but, at very least, you will build up an immunity to rat poison. That may come in handy some day on a mission. Think of it as training."
Megan's eyes grow wide immediately while the others attempt to hide their fear.
"Sir," Aqualad replies, "this is my fault. I should have never let their game get so far out of hand. I take full responsibility as the leader."
Batman calms down somewhat, but Megan still watches him with fear, not knowing what to think.
Superboy, meanwhile, deals with a throbbing headache from his growing confusion.
Batman makes a decision based on what's best for the team. He removes his cowl.
"I have not and never will steal, kidnap, or force feed anyone to protect Gotham. Your orders regarding knowing my identity are simple. You. Do. Not. Know. My. Identity. If there is every a situation where knowledge of who I am comes into play, you will defer to the League for direction. When the League cannot reply in a timely manner, you will take orders from Robin."
Batman replaces his cowl and turns to Dick and Wally.
"You will wash your mouth out with soap. This goddamn Batman phrase will cease from now on, even if Superboy is not present. Also, if I ever hear another word about Crazy Steve, then I will send you both back to his dimension for an entire week."
Batman turns swiftly on his heel and exits the cave.
Everyone stands stock still. Megan hesitantly asks a question.
"So, Crazy Steve is really Batman somewhere else?" Robin nods slowly. Megan turns to the rest of her scared teammates. "Aqualad, I would like to make a motion for all teammates to have a sleepover until...sleeping seems less scary."
Aqualad's eyes sweep over every member of the team.
"Motion granted," they all say together.