My first "Fame" fanfiction. It's told in the first person point of view of a character. Who do you think would be feeling like this?
Time is slipping away.
Everybody else can't wait to graduate from this place and move on with their lives. They want to start a new chapter. Then, why do I feel like I haven't even begun proofreading yet? There must be something wrong with me. What other explanation could there be?
I know that choosing a college is a stressful time for any high school senior, but for an arts student, the whole idea of change is scary. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to know what to do here? I'm seventeen and making decisions that middle-aged people struggle with. I should be happy about graduating, but I'm not. It's not that I want to stay in high school, though. In fact, I'm busting to get out. Before I jump ship, I just want to make sure that I can swim. At this point, I'd settle for a floatie that was slowly leaking air.
Why do I want to pursue the dramatic arts anyway? It's probably the WORST area of work to ever go into. It's hard, and unstable, and every job could be your last. You have to work just to get rejected at an audition. Acting is a thankless job that's more corrupted than a 1920's speak-easy. I mean, do you know how much nepotism is used in audition room? A lot. And people have to practically pimp themselves out to the casting director only to appear in a two-bit TV movie without saying one word. To actually get a speaking part… God. I couldn't even imagine what you have to do to get that.
I'd probably never even get a part in anything, let alone a stage production. Well, maybe I'd get one part. One thirty-second commercial where I'd pout how hard it was to boil water the 'old-fashioned way. How much a backstory could I make up with that? What kind of emotional depth could I create? That commercial wouldn't even be worth one college text book on acting technique. I can't afford to waste four years of my life on something I'm passionate about.
I can't believe I'm even considering theater as a vocation! What kind of crazy person would want to do that? I've got to find something else. Well, I've always liked my English classes. Maybe I could study that? Ehh, who am I kidding? Writers are always bitching about hard how they have it, too. In fact, there's probably more writers out of work than actors. I must be so stupid. Why am I interested in all these things that I'll never succeed at? I need to find another job. People will always get sick. Maybe I should go into health-care?
When I was younger, I had always thought that I'd really make a difference in the world, or at least in someone's life. Drama can't do that, can it? As a human being, don't I have a responsibility to everyone to make sure that my life helps the world? Yes, yes I do. Acting will never make a real difference. That's not true. I guess I could make a difference and raise awareness about different issues like animal abuse or homeless children. But of course, I'd have to be successful to have any influence. And I'd never be lucky enough to be successful anyway.
I can't help but scoff at all those lyrics that I love to listen to from all those stage musicals. Instead of the inspirational words they once were, all I can hear now are bitter taunts with a clever rhythmic and rhyme scheme. Those characters I once held in the highest regard now mock me and remind me of what could've been.
How could I expect to "make it" in this business? There are thousands, no, millions of people who'd be auditioning for the same part as me. Not only would I be going against those millions of people, but I'd be going against people who were better than me. That's the problem. Everyone is better than me. You know, actors have this reputation of being self-centered, egotistical, disillusioned, spiteful, and just plain crazy. I'm not. I know I'm not the best. I'm not even close. Maybe that means that I'm not cut out to be an actor. Could I face rejection on such a daily basis and still keep trying? Should I want to? I don't know.
I have absolutely no right to think I could ever be an actor. As much as it pains me to say it, it's true. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not skinny enough. I'm not this enough. I'm too that. My voice isn't sweet enough. My dancing isn't gracefully enough. My acting is too stiff. Nobody else in show business questions themselves like this. That's why I'm so sure I don't belong in this field. I'm just not good enough, and I never will be. Why bother spending my life chasing after a dream that will never come true? Because I love it? Yeah, try buying groceries on love and happiness.
I need to be practical here. This isn't some 1990's animated Disney movie where everything will work out in two hours if I really, really hope and follow my heart. This is life. The reality is that I don't have the talent to act. It's something you have to be born with, and I guess I just wasn't meant for this life. I feel like such a freak, because even though I know that, I still want to be a part of this life. But that doesn't matter anymore. I'm going to choose a different field and I'll get through it. I'd rather study something that is safer, even if I probably won't enjoy it. I almost certainly wouldn't enjoy being passed over for a part and reminded of how untalented I am either. I guess I'd rather be happy in four years than for only four years.
I could never be an actor. I could never be an actor. I could never be actor. If I tell myself this enough, I'll start to believe it. The only reason I've got to want to be an actor is that'd I enjoy it. In this day, age, and economy, that's not enough. Nope. I've got to plan for the worst and be real. Reality is cold, but it is the only thing that is truly constant.
And the reality is, I'm just not special enough to act.
I hope you enjoyed. I think that this could apply to any character in "Fame," so you can decide who is thinking this. Every prospective actor probably thinks this at one point in her/his life. Some get past it, others don't. Any opinions?
Was it too, too depressing? This really isn't my normal style, but this is exactly what I'm telling myself every night. I shouldn't go into the arts. I KNOW I shouldn't, but I still want to. Talk about pathetic, right? Anyway, I figured if I was feeling this way, somebody else should, too. Sorry about that little rant. I think I just wasted three minutes of your life as you read that. Sorry.
As always, thank you so much for reading. I truly appreciate it. I know this fandom isn't the biggest or most popular, but I'd LOVE a review. It'd make my day. Please, let me know what you think! Thanks in advance. Hope to see you next story.