The Worst Sex-ed Teacher

Request: L has to attempt to explain how babies are made to the Wammy's House kids-and he has no idea how to modify it for kids, and he feels extremely awkward about it.

Pairing: None

This fic is stupid, and I'm not anxious to claim it from my anonymous posting on the kink meme at dn-kink2 dot livejournal dot com, but I thought I may as well post some of these here. Although it is a kink-meme posting, it is rated T for a complete lack of sex.

L wished that he had not offered to fill in as substitute teacher for Whammy's youngest class. They should have just given the students the day off while Ms. Ting got better. He wasn't sure how he ended up in the middle of a semi-circle of five-to-seven year old children waiting to receive 'the talk', since today's class was supposed to cover Multiplication, Literary Analysis, and Coloring, not sex-ed.

Unfortunately, out of nowhere, one of the newer orphans, a five year old named Noel, had asserted that she would marry Max, a boy who was one year her senior. When asked why, she said that it was so that she could have babies... And then someone would have to love her. Furthermore, she had decided that she was pregnant now.

A few of the students in the youngest class were distressed, assuming that Max would have to go away forever, since he was going to be a daddy now. However, a young ginger called Matt brought up that Max would have to send Noel money, and she could use it to buy medicine and cool candy that would make everyone happy again. Matt's little blond friend, Mello, gravely countered that Max must be forced to marry Noel so that he can stay at Whammy and she can keep the baby.

Max started to cry, but Matt offered him a candy cigarette to calm him down, and Linda piped up cheerfully that someone should give Noel a 'Bortion', and then everything would be ok somehow.

No one knew what a Bortion was, or how it solved problems. Near, usually quiet, asserted flatly that Linda must have meant a 'potion', but immediately pointed out that potions are not real. They are just things that adults lie about, like Santa and God.

There was so much wrong with the conversation.

"Noel is not pregnant," L stated, "that is not how pregnancy works."
"How do you know L?" a black-haired, dark-skinned boy named Lux asked innocently.
"L is an adult," Near stated, implying both that L knew things that the children did not, and that he was expected to lie about it. A nuance that annoyed L, but succeeded in prompting him to speak more truthfully.
"You can't declare pregnancy. And five-year-olds can't be pregnant. The human body doesn't work that way."

The children began to gather and sit around L, as if it was story time. He, sighed, anticipating a lecture was forthcomming.

"Tell us where babies come from!" Mello demanded cheerfully.

"Fine," L said listlessly, seating himself on a plastic chair, with his knees drawn up into his chest, "I assume that you all know about DNA located in the cell nucleus which contains the genomes which make us who we are."

All of the L's and M's, and most of the older N's nodded.

"Good. Then, as you know, in all of our cells, there are 23 chromosome pairs, including an X shaped sex chromosome, which is paired with either another X or a Y shaped sex chromosome which determines our externally apparent gender. XX is female, and XY is male."

"Duh, L!" Mello snapped.

"Yeah, what about babies? How does Noel get pregnant?" a chubby, freckled girl asked.

"The point that I'm trying to make about genes is that a fully formed person has a full diploid set of chromosomes in the nucleus of each of their cells. But there are special baby-making cells that contain a haploid set of chromosomes which is basically... half a gene," L frowned, hoping that his dumbed down explanation was at the right level for the young children, while not too technically misleading, "These haploid cells are called 'gametes'. A female gamete is called 'an egg' and a male gamete is called... 'a spermatozoan'. The two must be combined within the female's reproductive system by the process of syngamy in order to produce the first cell of a new human being, which then begins to divide and create the structures that define the body of a fetus which grows into a baby during pregnancy.

Noel is not pregnant because she... hasn't acquired a sermatozoan from Max and performed conception," L finished. As he was talking Max had attempted to hide in the corner.

There was a moment of silence as a room full of very smart, very messed-up, genius brains churned with questions.

Noel went first, "How do I get a sperm-a-zone out of Max?"

Max began to cry again, "Does it hurt?"

"NO!" L assured, "Well, yes, I suppose, sometimes," he continued, looking at the ceiling with his thumbnail pressed to his lip, "under certain circumstances".

"Is that why people yell at each other during sex?" Matt asked.

"Sometimes, yes," L blushed, "Sometimes they just like to yell... wait, how much do you already know about sex?"

"Sex is what mommies do when they get out of money for special candy and needles," Matt explained, "and kids can't look, but it's really loud and painful."

At this, Max wailed, even though Matt tried to give him the rest of his candy cigarettes.

"That is... probably accurate. Please stop talking about your mom's special candy though, it is not something that geniuses can try."

"Why not?" Near demanded softly.

"Because it's brain poison!" L snapped. Near rolled his eyes and looked away from L, who's ears were turning red with frustration.

"You eat lots of candy."

"It's not the same!" L gasped, offended that Near had insulted candy, "It's not even real candy he's talking about, it's pressed pills of some sort. Most likely MDMA," L cut himself off quickly before venturing further on that useless and dangerous segue, "Anyway, it doesn't matter."

"Where does a sperm-a-zone come from?" Linda asked suddenly, thankfully changing the subject from super-extra-uncomfortable to regular-uncomfortable.

"Sermatozoan," L mumbled the correction, hating the situation he was in, "It comes from... the male testes."

"What's that?" a few of the children demanded.

"The balls." Mello supplied helpfully.

Max went white before letting out another wail, while nearly all of the other children laughed for nearly a minute at the word 'balls'.

"That must be why it hurts," Matt laughed.

"But where's the egg?" Linda asked, unable to think of a female ball-equivalent.

"Oh! The boobs," Mello guessed.

"Er, no, Mello," L corrected uncomfortably, while some of the children tittered at Mello's use of the word 'boobs'.

"The vagina!" Mello guessed again.

"Close enough," L sighed. Near's black, beady little eyes narrowed up at him, and L could tell the little boy sensed a lie by omission, "The ovaries," He exhaled, knowing he'd have to explain further, "two egg sacks attached by tubes to the uterus, attached to the vagina."

L sucked a large breath into his lungs, and continued in one exhalation, "A man stores sperm in the testes along with a protective protein fluid called 'semen'. In the act of coitus, he ejaculates this through the urethra into the vagina of the female, and it is sucked through the cervix into the uterus, where, if an egg is present after having been excreted through the Fallopian tube connected to one of the ovaries, syngamy can occur," He paused to breathe in again.

"In order to conceive both partners must have passed puberty, and the woman must be ovulating. Noel is not past puberty or ovulating, and Max cannot produce sperm, so Noel is not pregnant. Case solved."

The orphans seemed pleased with the explanation, even Near.

"What's going on, L?" Wattari's gentle aged voice called out into the room. The sudden shock caused L to fall backward in his chair.

"Nothing!" L replied.

"Sex chat!" Mello told the old man.

"No!" L snapped, "I'm not..."

But Wattari just laughed softly, "The sex-talk, eh? Kids this age are quite curious. Why I remember you, when you started asking these questions." Wattari laughed again and then stopped immediately, apparently remembering something that disturbed him.

"Is it snack time?" Lux asked.

And so, most of the children seemed to stop caring about the sex talk almost immediately, although Max was quite shaken up for the rest of the day. He was given an extra serving of gingerbread, and seemed happy toward the end of the afternoon, although he avoided Noel for almost a week afterward. Noel spent the rest of the day drawing pictures with Linda. She drew the sperm-a-zone, which she apparently imagined to be some sort of green, glowing, smiling canister.

In the end, Near reaffirmed his belief that adults were liars and he would never be one of them, Matt and Mello 'smoked' candy cigarettes and compared swear-word vocabulary, adding 'cervix' and 'urethra' to their arsenal, and L vowed never to substitute teach for the youngest class again.