Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, but I can write crack fic! ^.^

Just in one of those cracky moods today. R&R? Just so I know this piece wasn't THAT bad!

"Matsumoto- please- can't breathe!" Renji Abarai gasped, not inhaling air, but the scent of peaches and sake; in other words, Rangiku's huge breasts stuffed in his face. The strawberry blonde shinigami pulled away from Renji and laughed loudly. "DON'T BE A KILLJOY!" She screamed.

Renji groaned. He'd come an hour late for this party, and it seemed like he'd missed an awful lot. The music was so loud it literally reverberated through his whole body and everyone was dancing and grinding up on each other, passed out, or drunk as hell. And when you see members of the Gotei 13 drunk as hell… you see things you will never unsee.


Renji winced. "You don't have to yell, you're right next to me. What happened to holding your sake well?"

Ikkaku chuckled drunkenly, lazily swinging his arm around the back of Renji's chair. "Tha' was her 59th bottle or som'in'… we lost count 'round 47." He informed the redhead, his breath reeking of alcohol. Renji swatted at Ikkaku. "Get offa me, you bald headed oaf!"

Ikkaku tried to growl, but it came out sounding a little off. "You… you ge' back hurr, ya pineberry!" he slurred, trying to hit Renji in the arm, but instead just slamming his floppy hand on the table with a loud crash. Renji chuckled and moved out of the way deftly, wondering just how much his friends had drunk.

He began pushing past the baldy, who was now splayed out across the couch, cuddling with Yumichika. Suddenly, a cold hand grabbed onto his sleeve desperately. "RENJI! GET ME AWAY FROM MATSUMOTO!" Renji turned to see a pair of huge turquoise eyes, and a shock of white blonde hair. Toshiro Hitsugaya was running away from a slightly crazy Rangiku, who was trying to attack him with a bar of chocolate. Renji's eyes widened and he stepped out of the way, just as Rangiku and Toshiro went tumbling to the ground.

"The fuck is goin' on around here?" He wondered aloud to himself. For a moment, the stack of fresh paperwork in the office almost seemed a better option than this hellhole- nah, that was a lie. Renji winced and tried to make his way past Ichigo, who was pressed up on the wall against Rukia. He did not take pleasure in hearing the moans coming from a girl who was like his sister.

"Weird eyebrows-chan!" Renji heard the title called, but didn't actually realize he was being referred to until he felt a slight weight on his shoulders. He looked up to see a flash of pink. "Yachiru? Get off my back!" he insisted. The sickeningly cute girl laughed maniacally as she pulled a lollipop out of her stained red lips. "NO! You get off my back!" she said, squeezing her eyes shut in laughter. Renji frowned. "What the hell are you talkin' about? You're the one on my back!"

"Liar, liar hair on fire! Look, KEN-CHAN! Come 'ere, Kenny! Look, the lollipop you gave me matches Renji's hair!"


"No, Kenpachi, no!"

Renji's cries were cut off as a huge, heavy weight landed on him, knocking him to the ground. Renji yelled in pain, pushing the humongous man off of him and staggering back to his feet, the sound of bells ringing in his ears. "What.. the fuck… was that!" He yelled in between breaths, clutching onto the nearest table for support as Kenpachi passed out on the floor, a thin trail of slobber hanging from his lips and threatening to fall on an equally drowsy Yachiru's hair.

The red haired shinigami turned to try and make his way out of the throng of people, shaking his head in exasperation.


"You little green haired freak… then why'd you moan!"

Renji screamed in fright at the scene meeting his eyes, covering his mouth shortly after. He refused to admit that his manly lips had emitted a girly squeak like that! It was okay though, since no one had really noticed… and who wouldn't scream at the sight of Kensei and Mashiro going at it in the corner?


This time,Renji turned just in time to see Grimmjow Jeagerjaques running as fast as he could after Ulquiorra Schiffer. "What the- WHY ARE THERE ESPADA IN THE PARTY!" he roared as Grimmjow tripped over a bottle of sake but came up just as fast, that is, of course, after taking a gulp out of the offending bottle. A sleepy giggle came from the floor near his feet. "It's cuz busty-chan seduced Ken-chan!"

"Busty-chan? Who the fuck is that?"

That's when a bottle blonde, dark skinned lady in white, with a chest that could rival Rangiku's, collapsed on the seat beside Renji. "Oh man… Stark and Szayel… never woulda thought…"

Renji groaned. This must be busty-chan; Halibel. He turned and hurried through the crowd, now desperately wanting to escape.

"Thanks a lot, Renji, you left me for dead out there!" Toshiro yelled, appearing in front of the exhausted red haired shinigami. "Sorry, Hitsugaya-taichou, but things are getting out of hand!" Renji gasped as he heard Grimmjow's shouts again, this time coming much nearer.

He stepped out of the way, just as Ulquiorra and Grimmjow went tumbling to the floor, Ulquiorra clutching a yowling blue kitten in his hands. The animal looked like it was about to die at any second; it was squealing and scratching both of the espadas, writhing in Ulquiorra's clutch. "I WANNA TOUCH IT ULQUI! I WANNA TOUCH IT!"

"No, Grimmkitty, this is my kitty cat."


"I am severely drunk right now, I think that gives me an excuse, Grimmkitty."


"Your yelling is damaging my ear drums."

"Sorry.. just… JUST LET ME TOUCH IT!"

And they were off again, Ulquiorra sprinting into the distance with the blue cat, Grimmjow hot on his heels.

Toshiro and Renji exchanged a look of pure horror, as Renji pushed himself against the wall to make room for Ichigo and Rukia, who were now heading for the private rooms upstairs, still attached at the lips.

When the couple finally passed, Toshiro paused to catch his breath, then looked up at Renji, panic in his eyes. "I have to tell you something! Everyone from Gotei 13 is at this party!" he said, breathing heavily. Renji was taken aback. "Toshiro, is something wrong with you! You're showing emotions!"

The captain shot Renji his famous ice glare. "Yes, Rangiku slipped something into my drink and I am about to pass out in 56 seconds, but I must tell you something first! Kuchiki-taichou is drunk! And when he's drunk, he gets-"

The white haired taichou fell in a crumpled heap on the floor, passed out cold.

Renji dropped to his knees. "NOO! HITSUGAYA-TAICHOU! WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME-" he got up suddenly. "What am I doing? He'll wake up sooner or later," the lieutenant muttered to himself.

Now he just had to find out what happened when Kuchiki-taichou got drunk!

It was strange enough that the man would be at a party like this, let alone intoxicated. And curiosity killed the muffin, of course. But Renji would have to set out to find his captain and bring him back to his manor before he gave the 6th division a bad name.

"Come on… where are you cap'n… we could all just use some rest right now…" Renji muttered to himself as he searched the crowds.

He didn't have to search, however.

"Renji." A painfully familiar voice breathed into the redhead's ear.

Renji jumped and turned around, coming face to face with a man with flawless pale skin, and slate grey, cold eyes. Only those eyes weren't cold at the moment. They were warm; very warm. And seemed to be bubbling with- smugness? What?

"T-taichou?" Renji asked, shocked. Byakuya's scarf was off, his captain's haori discarded; in fact, he could see the white garment being tied like a cape on Kira Izuru, who was now pretending to be a superhero. His kensaikan was also lopsided.

"Call me Byakuya, Renji." His voice sent shivers across Renji's skin. Renji met Byakuya's eyes again, and felt emotions sitr up in his stomach. Yes, he'd had a crush on his captain for who knows how long. But he didn't want Byakuya to return the feelings like this!

Byakuya bit his lip and wiggled his eyebrows, winking flirtatiously. The gesture in itself was so strange it was horrifying, although it did turn Renji on a bit.

And then it clicked.


Byakuya was a horny drunk.

He barely had time to register this when the man's lips were on his, and a pale, slim hand was clutching his crotch.

Oh no.

*Chuckles in a corner… I'll have you wondering forever what went down that night :D Unless you want a sequel?

**crickets chirping**

JK, I know this was really bad and didn't flow at all, but it's 1:55 am! I might revise a little later… Byakuya is a naughty drunkard!

And hmm… maybe Yachiru was right… maybe Renji was on her back! You never know.. D:D: sorry guys, I just ate nutella.

*needs to pee.

Okay bye, off to read some crack fic!