Author's note: WARNING. Use of FOUL LANGUAGE, CRACK, DISTURBING THOUGHTS, YAOI and general SCREWED UPNESS beyond this point.

I love coffee.


Some days Zero wished he didn't get rudely awaken by some snotty little girl and her fairy. Some days started out beautifully, with sunshine and wandering critters (where the hell did these cats come from…?) and the sea brought in a lovely breeze that just ever so slightly ruffled Zero's hair in that soothing way that made him sleepy.

And then someone screams.

And Zero cusses in his mind and storms out of his peaceful room he entered maybe five minutes after harrowingly risking his life, again, for some jacked reason he didn't quite remember. He was an amnesiac, after all, he had an excuse.

Those wonderful days were the ones Zero hated the most, because it always meant something bad was gonna happen. More often than not, something bad happened to him. Typically Zero was used to not getting a break; more often than not he was the one who forgone breaks. But when he did need or want one? Yeah, right, God forbid Zero gets a goddamn break.

"What?" Zero asked as he skidded all badass-like into the main room. Because he had a reputation to uphold, after all.

Ciel was practically dancing on top of a box, screeching her head off and pointing randomly at the ground. This could only mean one thing, and Zero had to withhold the urge to facepalm.

Actually, fuck it. Zero facepalmed himself hard. So hard, it echoed. Over Ciel's screaming even. Hell, Zero even yelped at himself.

"It's a damn roach," Zero tried to say over Ciel's screaming. Said insect was running in circles around her box, a cat chasing it. Why it was running in circles Zero didn't know, maybe it was radiated. It could happen, since roaches were so damn indestructible.

"Kill it!" Ciel shrieked, not even opening her eyes as she jumped on her box. How she didn't break her ankle in those heels, Zero didn't get either.

He didn't get the aversion to roaches either, but then again, it carried disease, and Ciel was human. Talk about anti-climactic if she died because a roach decided to fly into her hair or something. But seriously, if this was the reason his rest was disturbed… looking around, Zero saw no other threat lurking about. So, with a sigh, he did what any man would do.

Zero scooped up the cat (Hey, it was the one he named Signas, cause it was all black with big green eyes. Don't ask him who Signas actually was, Zero was starting to master the I'm stupid vapid-eyed look. And such a thought made him randomly think of a blond joke) and handed Ciel his gun.

"Have fun." And he turned away, cat in his arms, listening to Ciel scream and start to obliterate the floor with his buster gun.

If only that were the only problem of the day, but the instant Zero entered his room (Kitty-Signas hopped out of his arms to take his usual place on his desk. The cat liked desks for some reason) and before he could rush back to sleep, the familiar shimmer of a particular friend filled his room.

Now, it wasn't a problem if X dropped by to visit. Typically when X manifested in his room, it was a pleasure visit (head out of the gutter! Zero wasn't that lucky. Unfortunately. Damn it.) and Zero of course loved hanging out with X. X knew when to shut up and pet Zero's head and when he wanted an actual conversation.

Okay, so 'pet Zero's head' came out wrong, but Zero liked his hair petted. Except don't tell Ciel. He didn't want to end up with braids or ribbons.

"Hello, Zero," X quipped. "I hope I'm not disturbing you?"

"Never a disturbance with you," Zero answered in the usual friendly manner. "How are you holding up?"

"Quite well, surprisingly," X replied, finding his usual spot on the couch. When he smiled at Zero, the blond practically tripped on himself to flop down on it, his head pillowed on X's thighs. They were nice thighs, after all, but Zero wouldn't dare say that out loud.

After harrowing days of missions and looking for the stupid Dark Elf, Zero needed relaxation. X practically oozed with peace, and Zero was a greedy ass and wanted to mop it up and chill. X always had this effect on him, although Zero couldn't place why.

X chattered about something, but the moment he started petting Zero's hair the blond tuned him out. Not like he meant to be rude, but Zero just relaxed and had nearly immediately fallen asleep. If this was peace, he would die for it. In fact, if dying let X's touch be more than a light breeze, Zero might contemplate suicide, because it was that nice.

Why X, Zero didn't know. As if his life wasn't already complicated (okay, maybe not complicated since all he did was kill shit, but difficult!) then this whole 'crush on dead best friend' added a new spicy layer to this retarded cake of existence. So in a way, Zero was a homosexual necrophiliac.

Wow.

Wait, let's back up and delete that.

Shit, what was seen cannot be unseen.

It wasn't necrophilia if there was no corpse. There, now Zero felt better. If only marginally. Zero decided to prove that what was seen could be unseen… in the form of delete thought process go go go shit damn that was wrooooooong.

"…Zero?"

Zero had fallen asleep (or passed out, either or) after deleting such a vital data stream and his systems needed rebooting, so X took the liberty of carefully phasing himself out so Zero's head slowly lowered to the couch. Once Zero was peacefully sleeping on his couch, X reappeared standing next to it, smiling down at him with that peaceful smile that put everyone at ease. He even bent down a bit to kiss Zero's forehead before disappearing.

Too bad Zero missed all of that. He might have had a better morning if he saw it.

As it was, he woke up a few hours later groggy and slightly confused. Deleting one's thought process tended to do that, and it was like waking up drunk and hung over. Although how Zero could make that allusion he wasn't sure, since he couldn't get drunk or hung over, but it was the only explanation he had, so fuck it, it worked.

The cat had moved to sleep on Zero's back, and when the blond pushed himself up it woke up and bounded off him with a meow. The sound brought a bit more of reality to Zero, who sat up on his knees and yawned, trying to recall why the hell he deleted his thought process temporarily. But like a typical amnesiac, he sucked at getting memories back.

Letting it go, as Zero did not linger on crap, he lifted his hands so he could properly adjust his helmet. Except it wasn't there.

His helmet wasn't on his head.

His helmet wasn't on his head.

His helmet wasn't on his head.

The goddamn helmet wasn't on his goddamn head.

"Fuck me!"

Ciel stopped in the act of knocking on Zero's door, her eyes wide at the declaration. Who was in there with Zero, what were they doing, and why wasn't she allowed to see?


After Ciel's dramatic bursting into the room (with a tape recorder? She hid it too quickly for Zero to be sure) and finding his helmet precariously and curiously in the bathroom (why did he have a bathroom? He was a Reploid… but hey, the helmet was shiny now) Zero decided to leave the Base for a nice walk along the beach.

Since the navigators were still trying to find clues to the Dark Elf, Zero had time to burn, so burn it he did, in the form of randomly setting driftwood on fire as he walked the beach. How the Resistance went from the middle of the desert/abandoned city to the shoreline Zero wasn't sure. And he was fairly sure he was in the desert before waking up here, so how he went from desert to ocean he wasn't sure of either.

The many questions of Life. Fire was a decent enough answer, and Zero gleefully set another piece of random wood on fire. And as he did, he had to wonder what it was like to be driftwood, especially since paper was now outdated. Trees weren't needed for paper or even oxygen, as now various nanites were in the atmosphere preventing the Greenhouse effect while producing oxygen and soaking up carbon dioxide, and Zero had to think for a moment to remember that right this second he produced twice as much carbon as a human while pretending to breathe, which then he had to wonder why the hell did humans add that to Reploid designs if carbon was so damn bad for them? And then Zero's mind went back to the driftwood, because it crackled as it burned and it sort of sounded like it was crying out 'Why, why are you burning me? Aren't I pathetic already that you have to set me on fire for your amusement you sick, sick freak?'

And then Zero set another piece on fire, because what the hell sort of thought process was that?

It sucked to be a tree. Zero decided that was the end of that internal debate, and then he had to think, Good God, I'm so bored and have no idea how to relax without X that I'm thinking stupidity.

Which made him think of a blond joke.

Damn today sucked.