A/N: Hey,

Little Stories is my oneshot collection for Gen 1 of Skins. I anticipate that sooner or later, collections for Gens 2 & 3 will follow. I expect most of these will be in response to challenges posted on LiveJournal.

I'm also still very new to writing Skins, so please be gentle.

x tromana

Title: Weak As I Am
Author: tromana
Rating: T
Characters: Cassie/Sid
Summary: She wishes she hadn't fallen in love with Sid.
Disclaimer: I do not own Skins.
Notes: Written for the writeskins community on LiveJournal. Prompt: "Time has changed nothing at all" - Ten Days (Missy Higgins)

Weak As I Am

She's hurting.

That's nothing new, because she's always hurting. It's the fucking status quo, something she wishes she could just throw away, get rid of somehow. But it's not that easy, it's never that easy. You can't just scrub everything out and start from scratch, like it's just chalk on a blackboard. It's impossible to just start your whole life again, the way you wanted it to be the first time around, learning from your mistakes and making everything oh so much better.

It just doesn't work that way.

You have to deal with the shit that's thrown at you and get on with your life. There's only so much manipulation you can do before somebody else interferes. Like food, you can control your intake. Nobody can stop you from doing that until you're killing yourself.

She knows that now. And in addition to her fears of pain, fears of misery, she loathes food too now. Eating is a fucking chore, simply because she's grown so used to going without.

And even if you're not killing yourself, not asking for people to get involved, they come and fuck things up for you too.

She wishes she hadn't fallen in love with Sid, wishes she could have just said no to him. But she couldn't and she didn't and now she's paying for it.

And shit, he just had to fuck Michelle, of all people, didn't he?

Why the fuck did he have to go to Michelle? Why couldn't he have just talked to her instead, found out the truth?

She would have told him, really, she would have. But because he was too fucking stupid and pig-headed, he had to go and ruin things, didn't he?

Fucking Sidney Jenkins. Why did he have to have been so sweet and kind? Why did he make her feel so special, albeit for such a brief amount of time? Why did he have to lead her up the fucking garden path and make her feel like maybe, just maybe, she would get that happily ever after? The one she thought she might just deserve after everything she's already been through.

But she should have fucking known, she knows that. Since when has she ever had the easy ride? Why the fuck would she get to be the fairytale ending? It hasn't happened before, so why break the story of a lifetime?

Besides, she'd tried to kill herself once before over him. Tried, and failed.

Sometimes, she's not sure whether or not her survival is a good thing. After all, she's only destined for more heartbreak and agony.

And pain.

She doesn't know how she can live with more of that. Somebody once told her that things get easier as you grow up, that you learn how to deal with your problems and the like. Now, she simply believes that they told her a sick joke. One where the punch line leads to hollow laughter simply because it hits too close to the bone.

Because things don't get easier and she doubts they ever will. Life just gets more complicated, more fucked up and more painful.

What exactly has she done to deserve this? What was so wrong about her that means she deserves punishing time and time again? Was it because she stole apples from the neighbour's tree when she was seven? Or because she accidentally kicked the dog when she was nine?

Why can't she see the positives anymore, only the negatives?

She can barely remember why she had fallen in love with Sid in the first place. All she can think about is seeing him, with Michelle. Acting as if she had never existed, had never played a part in his life.

It's tearing her heart into shreds and she's not quite sure if it can ever be fixed. If she even wants it to be fixed. After all, if it is pieced back together again, it only gives some other bastard the chance to shatter it once more.

If it remains broken, then at least it is in a base state. It cannot get hurt anymore.

She can just stick two fingers up at the world and pretend she's moved on. Chris has the right attitude, she thinks. Fuck it, fuck the world and everyone in it. Whatever she says or does, it doesn't change a fucking thing, so why even bother?

And she won't cry for Sid, not anymore.

Because that'll imply he's won.