Edward Cullen's Ten Rules for Courting My Daughter

(As Read and Interpreted by Jacob Black)

Rule One: Always make sure that you are ten miles away before thinking or making any moves on My daughter.

We walked on, Nessie and me, as we always did when I hunted with her. I watched her as she heard the heartbeat of the animal she wanted, as she stalked it, sometimes even played with it a beat as she chased it around the woods. I purposefully shifted back into human form to watch her feed. How could I have ever not seen the grace in these creatures? Had I really once been appalled at this? It seemed like another reality now as I watched her in her beauty. She finished her feeding and turned to me with a smile. Somehow she was always more beautiful, if more beautiful than her usual was even possible, after she fed. I walked up to her wanting nothing more than to kiss her. But remembering how young she really was, I simply took her hand and walked her back home. I was going to have to take a cold shower when I got home, that was for sure. As we walked on, her proximity made it even harder for me to keep my focus. Her smell and her voice all taking over my senses and before I knew it, I leaned over and kissed her on the corner of her mouth. She blushed and smiled and it warmed my insides to she her that way.

Then we were there, at the Cullen's in what seemed like record time. Nessie was greeted with loving smiles and warm embraces. I was greeted by a cold cock form dear old Daddy. That's when I remembered about the telepathy. Hard to believe I could forget a thing as dangerous as that, but I did. And even the punch to the jaw couldn't keep me from smiling as I looked up at him in my defiance and said, "You and I both know she liked it." And walked right past him and into the house where I return to her side to hold her hand. She laid her head against me and I chanced a glace back at him…hell…I even winked.

Rule Two: When you do speak to my daughter, you will speak to her as a lady, remaining yourself a perfectgentleman.

I sat on the Cullen's couch, where I found myself a lot these days, and grabbed a controller as Emmett…who I call, "The cool one"…loaded a first person shooter game into his video game consol. Nessie came down stairs right as we were getting into the game and I made the mistake of looking at her. She was pouting…and I couldn't take it. I knew that was why she was doing it, I knew I was a sap, I knew I was wrapped. Emmett had taken it upon himself to be my personal reminder of just how destroyed I was over this girl. So as I looked from her to him I made a decision. This time I wouldn't give in. I sat there and forced myself to turn back towards the TV and keep playing the game. She, being completely spoiled and incorrigible as she was, sat down right on my lap. I couldn't see the TV and I died in the game. Emmett snickered. She turned to look at me and I just felt humiliated. I could take it. But then she smiled, which has always been my ruin. I went from upset to…well to be frank (even though I knew it was kinda wrong)…a little turned on. And to add to it I looked at her and I said, "Damn Nessie! Do you know what you do to me?" After that all I remember was being pulled over the back of the couch by my cropped hair by Edward Cullen…who I call, "The Uptight One". He drug me through the house and pulled me outside with him while simultaneously slamming the front door. That was the first of our many man to man talks. It wasn't the last time Nessie got me in trouble on purpose though…That was for sure.

Rule Three: DO NOT involve my wife in matters that concern you courting my daughter.

You should have learned years ago, she always chooses me.

As soon as I was allowed back inside of the house, I did what any dignified Alpha would do…I tattled. I ran up those stairs as fast as I could until I found Bella Cullen…who I call, "The Reasonable One". She was in Carlisle's study discussing the ins and outs of Nessie's development. An ironic topic if you ask me. As soon as the old man saw the look on my face he took his cue and left. Ugh! I muttered. I can't believe what your daughter just did. Bella, I mean your daughter. She sat on my lap knowing full well what she is doing. Of course, Edward your true love, over heard the whole thing in more ways than one. And like always he blamed me. It doesn't help that she knows what's going on…and I know she knows what's going on. You know what Edward's response was this time; he grabbed the top of my head like a little boy! He drug me outside! She didn't look surprised at all. Of course she wasn't! She knew how he was as well as I did. She looked at me and she had the audacity to tell me that Nessie was only a child.

"A child!" I yelled out throwing my hands into the air. "What kind of child has those kind of curves?" I asked her making the motions with my hands. She slapped me of course. I went on anyway. Edward's mom must have been a fox herself because even you don't have curves that deadly Bella! I mean the girl is borderline obscene! I'm telling you the man must have some milf genes in there somewhere! I noticed then that Carlisle…who I call, "The Good Doctor"…had returned. I chanced a look at him and he seemed offended. I gave him a look that said, What you looking at? He stepped forward, somewhat menacingly and calmly asked…a little to calmly actually…Do you have a pension for attration to females much out of your age range? I wasn't real sure was he was getting at so I just stared…somewhat dumbly I must admit. He continued as expected…he was a Cullen after all and they are historically long winded. Did you really just refer to my wife as a fox and a milf? I do understand modern lingo you know. When he finished he was barring his teeth slightly. What was with the Cullens and their posessiveness? No Doc. I meant his bio mom. The one that gave birth to him…back when he had a heartbeat. Calisle looked shocked and turned from the room.

I turned back to Bella, shouting again, Don't you understand? There is no courting! No dating ritual! She mine! That's how it works Bella. I know it and she knows it. There is no way out and you don't get a say so. No amount of beating and harassing can change it! I'll know when she is ready way before you do! She's in here! I told her beating on my right temple. The pounding foot steps speeding up the stairs should have been a warning. But I was to furious to heed it. I was lifted into the air by my throat and slammed against The Good Doctor's wall. Edward was seething. Are you telling on me JAKE? He both growled and spat out at me. I could smell the iron on his breath. I imagined being his prey…not a comforting thought. I still stood up to him though. No, not telling, just talking to your better half, the voice of reason in your crazy relationship. He squeezed harder and I tried to resist. You know she'll hate you if you don't stop! I screamed at him. But I could tell he had block out their thoughts. He was all rage…and I was his focus. Fine then… if he wanted to hate me…Id give him a damn good reason. I leaned in to him the best I could and whispered…I didn't want to upset Bella after all. I whispered to him, You know Im right. You know that she knows what she is doing. All you have to do is listen to Nessie thoughts. She may be young up here, I told him pointing to his head, but every where else she's all grown up and ready for Jake. I smiled at him as he squeezed harder. Some blood came up through my mouth and I spat it at him. I paniked. I felt my pride slipping. I cried out as I felt his grip tighten. Bella….he…..eeellp…pleee…sse. She frowned at me. I told you Jake…I'm Switzerland. And she walked out the room. Damn, vamprism had made that woman cold. Hearing my jab at his wife, Edward squoze harder. I urinated down my leg and he let me calapse on the floor gasping for air. He then left as well. Jasper came in the room then. I tried to hide my face from him, but I knew he could feel my embarrassment. Jacob…he addressed me…Do you have any idea how exhausting you make my life? Then he picked me up and left me standing in my own piss. I prayed that Nessie didn't find out as I blocked her from my mind.