Had a few days to myself and found this old unposted story amongst some things while cleaning out my desk. Maybe it'll get me back into writing for this little weird 'How To" series I started oh so long ago.

NOTE: Yes I know alot of this is highly unlikely to 'really happen' in the Star Trek universe. Especially the broken legs and such like with the high level medical capabilities of that Universe. But let's be fair, all of us usually write some small bit of Star Trek that doesn't always fit in with what could happen to any of these poor people we choose to mangle in our imagination.

Also; Star Trek and characters are property of Paramount, Desilu, CBS, and forty other companies. I do NOT own them or the characters or the show. I do NOT receive anything in the way of profit or gain from the show or characters. I do this for entertainment and enjoyment for myself and for those who wish to view them and use them nothing more.


HOW TO KNOW WHEN SNOW BUSINESS IS NO BUSINESS FOR YOU

"Just get on Bones."

"No."

"Bones."

"I've already said it 42 times, Jim. It never changes from the first one, you do notice that right." The words managed to still reflect their sarcasm in the frigid air.

"46 times, but who's counting. Now get on Bones." Checking over the panel in front of him, Kirk paused long enough to throw a quick cagey glance up at the doctor. You're going to do it anyway no matter how loud and long you argue. You've help yourself. Now just shut your mouth and park your skinny Georgian ass back there."

"You're so damn smart." Was the snorted reply as the doctor tucked his gloved hands into his armpits. "The only reason my Georgian ass is here, as it is every time we're in the middle of one of these frequent moments of testosterone idiocy, is to keep our ships insurance down."

"Now who's being a smartass?"

"You know what the hell I'm talking about. And don't try throwin' this back at me." Snarled McCoy as his scowl deepened upon realizing the snow had begun to fall again. "I come on these jaunts of insanity of my own free will and less than sane mind."

"After I beg and cajole you for three days. Yes, then you come along." Kirk threw back while resting a gloved hand on the handle bar, his gaze now fixed on the gauges in front of him. "Which now that it's been brought up makes me wonder why I bother to go through all that work just to bring a nagging, stick up the butt grandmother with me."

"Because no one else will Jim." Was the crisp clear response, followed by an even more resounding concise. "Because you're nuts."

Briefly there was a suggestion on the Captain's face he was pondering the notion of being hurt, even if it was merely a transparent imitation of such a thought. Then the thought was gone knowing that everyone else knew of it's lack of authenticity after this long.

"Just get on Bones."

"I was taught by my loving, overprotective church going momma not to accept rides from anyone who looks vaguely crazy, smell's like Yeager or I've worked with for more than a year. Can I help it if you're three for three this time." If there was a shred of sympathy in the doctor's voice the steadily freezing weather managed to change it into ice or it really hadn't been there at all to begin with." Now go on out there and quit harassing old men before I flag down security."

"Get on the damn thing." Annoyance growing Kirk slumped a little while tightening his grip on the handle bar. "You're embarrassing both of us."

"When did having common sense become embarrassing? Besides I'm no the one who's straddling an antiquated washing machine strapped to a pair of ski's. Harassing old men, while trying to pretend not to be an old man yourself. You deserve to out in the woods get lost and wrap yourself around some innocent Douglas fir." Argued McCoy followed by a loud sniff and a quick, less than inconspicuous look around. "And knowing you, you'll try some damn fool thing that contraption ain't even suppose to do."

"I'll have you know there's plenty of video out there showing…..Wait…How did you…" Coming up short, Kirk made a disgruntle noise and shook his head in frustration before continuing. "Listen Bones, trust me and get on the back of this damn thing."

Taking a step back in the accumulating snow, McCoy gave the vehicle and the man astride it a hard speculative yet unsure glare.

"Have you even been on one of these monstrosities let alone try driving the damn thing?"

Sucking in a long deep aggravated frosty breath, Kirk stared off into the curtain of snow while a gloved hand slowly rubbed his forehead.

"How about this Bones." A smile like that of a well honed gambler after finding the fourth ace, spread over the Captain's face as he looked back to the doctor. "You can either calm down and just come along peaceably. Or you can stay here, wait till after dark when the locals come to get you and wander around in the woods, at night in three feet of snow, looking for my unconscious body."

Lips pursing until they disappeared, McCoy's scowl deepened as he realized what had just happened.

"Alright, alright. You win." Snarled the doctor as he finally gave in and ungracefully crawled on to the back of the mechanical contraption with only a few grunts and groans in the process. "You always win. You cheat and play dirty, you do realize."

"Of course." Kirk said with a grin as the metal monster roared to life with a small puff of black smoke. "That's why I always win."

-/\- -/\- -/\-

"For what's it worth, I thought the first twenty yards or so were impressive."

"I blame you for this Jim!"

"Doctor. Please." Nurse Chapel quickly reprimanded as she rearranged the covers draped over McCoy. "You're not doing yourself or anyone else any good by acting like this."

I'll act any damn way I want. It's still my damn sickbay." Growled McCoy as he grabbed at the blankets again. "If I wanna dress down to my skivvies and sing a klingon operetta in the middle of it all I will. Now leave me alone or let me the hell outta here!"

The blanket tug had come to a dead stop as one tightened their grip on the wrinkled bedding and the other narrowed their stare to the width of a razor blade. The tense standoff continued for several seconds until an uncomfortable, embarrassed noise gurgled from the Captain who was pinned up against the empty bed by the shapely nurse.

Straightening up, Chapel flicked a cool pointed glare in Kirk's direction then made her way back to her own desk, leaving a chill in the air that rivaled that of the planet surface the two men had been recently plucked from.

"This is all your damn fault Jim." McCoy snarled while annoyingly flattering some of the wrinkles of the bedding. "Now I'll have to put up with ten minute intervals of supposed carin', fussin' and malicious torture from that woman and her merry entourage of Nurse Nightingale wannabe's."

"Behave Bones. You enjoy it more than you care to admit." A corner of his mouth pulling back in the familiar smooth half smile, Kirk perched on the edge of the empty bed. "Besides it'll help build your strength back up."

"I wouldn't need to build up anything if it wasn't for you and your crazy ass idea's. The second I head snow attached with mobile, I shoulda said no." Groused McCoy pulling the blankets up his chin and flopping back on the pillow.

"You did Bones. Like a banshee."

"It did me a hellva lotta good, didn't it." Blue eyes glaring at the ceiling then darted briefly, in disgust at Kirk then tried to fix on the medical panel over his head. "I coulda saved a lot of time, energy and reports by just locking myself in the mess walk-in freezer then have Spock break both my legs with a frozen ham."

"Calm down Bones." Kirk managed after smothering a grin while listening to the loud laments of his friend. "You just need to rest and relax a day here. Maybe two. Depending on how well you mind Nurse Chapel. The you can recoop in your cabin. Spock can stop in with some soup. Spend a little quality time together."

"Lovely. Why don't you just smother me with a pillow now." The doctor harrumphed rolling his eyes. "It'll be just as enjoyable and less painful. And for the record, I'm blaming you for that as well."

"How can you blame me for breaking both your legs when I wasn't….."

"Broken legs and a concussion."

"Broken legs and a concussion, when I wasn't even…."

"Two broken legs, a concussion and hypothermia."

"Two broken legs, a concussion and hypothermia." Perturbed glint sparked to life in the Captain's hazel stare. "Anything else?"

"Isn't that enough for crying out loud?" Propping himself on an elbow, McCoy winced at the pain that managed to swim against the drugs as well as the pain that was completely guilt designed for those who happened to be directly in the line of fire. "You nearly killed me. You wanna build the coffin and pick out the plot too! Like torturing me isn't enough for you more."

The perturbed glint brightened in Kirk's narrowing gaze as he paused, reminding himself he was in the middle sickbay a a witness was only a few feet away in the next room.

"Listening I'll take the blame for talking you into coming down to the planet surface." Forcing the smile back onto his face, Kirk pushed the words through his clenched teeth. "But for the reason you're here, you managed all on your own."

"Who was the one who just had to see that nut riding around on one of those contraptions and just had to give it a try."

"I did." Kirk grudgingly admitted leaning against the empty bed once more and folded his arms.

"Who was the one who had to borrow from their best friend so they could rent the damn monster?" Continued the doctor as he felt the tug on the line and cautiously started to turn the reel.

"I did." Sighed the Captain beginning to feel a great deal of pain coming on himself.

"Who was the one who kept going on and on about how safe it was? Who was the one that said that nothing could go wrong?" McCoy kept hammering, a glimmer of delight coming to his blue eyes.

"I did." Kirk twitched an eyebrow as he felt his headache grow.

"Damn right you did." Smug satisfaction draped itself on to McCoy's face as he settled back on the bed, blue eyes sparkling sinisterly. "And what poor bastard had to pay for it."

"You." Sighed a gradually exasperating Captain.

"Me."

"You were also the only one on the damn thing when it all happened, if I recall correctly Bones." Pointed out Kirk through his grinding teeth.

"Oh sure." Eyes rolling again as some of the glee disappeared from McCoy's face. "Throw that in my face. I coulda died and you blame it on me."

"you wanted to know how to steer and brake." Kirk argued what guilt that had been stirred by friend's trauma was beginning to ebb away. "No one told you to start it. I wouldn't have bet you knew how to start the damn thing. I wasn't touching you or it when your little disaster happened. This is all your own little happy mistake."

"Mistake!" Half chortled the incredulous doctor, eyes widening a number of millimeters. "My mistake was four years ago being naïve enough to ignore everyone telling me what a haphazard, egocentric sports model jackass you were and agreeing to be transferred to this bobsled direct to hell. Since that moment you've done your damnedest to try and kill me. Bad enough during missions but every hour in-between. And I keep going along with it. Why? Beats the hell outta me. Maybe it's from all the damn concussion's or selective memory. I'll probably be dead before we find out."

"Maybe it's because nobody else wants to do anything with you because you never shut up." Shouted Kirk straightening up from his perch. In his agitation coming with a inch of pocking out one of the doctor's baby blues. "In all my year's in Starfleet you are the only individual I've met that can bitch someone to death."

Silence fell like a rock in the room when both men realized Chapel had reappeared in the doorway with all the charm of a Spanish inquisitor with a new iron maiden.

With an uncomfortable cough and weak smile, Kirk gave a slight nod to the nurse then sot an annoyed look at the doctor who was in the midst of a faux pas withering away act. Maintaining the somewhat sick looking smile, the Captain gazed back at Chapel and her flinty suspicious mask, only releasing a sigh when she abruptly returned to her desk.

A number of still seconds went by as both men stared at everything in the room until a reasonable amount of time had gone by that they felt the dark shadow of the 'Nightingale' would not fall upon the doorway again.

"So the first twenty yards were,..umm…were pretty decent." McCoy mused his eyes scanning the ceiling tiles for the seventy third time that day.

"If the ice hadn't broken up you would have made it to the other side. That and when the rocks being exposed after the ice broke." Sighed the Captain, his hazel eyes narrowing as he tried to visualize the scene again. "It was a beautiful jump. The snowmobile landed seventy yards away."

"In a tree." McCoy added eyes widening as he relived the moment of horror once more.

"In which case, it was for the best that didn't stay on." Acknowledged Kirk with a deep pondering nod.

"Yea." Grunted the doctor the irked lines emerging faintly back to his face. "If I had there wouldn't have been anyone onboard to fill out my death certificate."

"Look at it this way Bones. You'll have a nice tale for your grandkids. If you ever have any." Smile dimming momentarily Kirk resettled on the edge of the empty bed and threw a quick look at the still empty doorway. "But…um….it was pretty damn decent…."

A strange satisfied façade settled smoothly on to McCoy's face as he made himself comfortable on the granite hard bed. Bright glimmer once more came to the blue eyes as he envisioned the now grandiose act with more relish. Then the growing grin hesitated while an eyebrow waggled in a hint of trepidation as he gazed over at Kirk who was edging toward the door.

"Be honest Jim." The eyebrow wiggled along the doctor's forehead as he pinned his friend down with his questioning stare. "Good as you?'

"I don't know Bones." Kirk answered after a heartbeat then a second, as he paused in the doorway giving McCoy one of his best smooth smiles wrapped in pure drollery. "I wouldn't have tried it."

TBC