uHm, wELL GUYS,,,
I just had to. I'm sorry. I'm not even Christian. But I bet Jesus was a wizard. You betcha. And God was like, friggin giant.
More chapters will come. I plan to go through all of Jesus's years at Hogwarts, and the main events and stuff. If you have any suggestions for future chapters, send them in a review. If you want to complain about this fanfiction, go take a piss and then send a review if you still feel like it. Oh, and please suggest a time for this to take place in. Say, Tom-Riddle era, Marauders era, the Trio, the Trio's kids, etc.
Disclaimer: I don't own the Bible, God, or Jesus, and no one really does, but the heavenly God JK Rowling owns Harry Potter. So my loss there.
My tumblr is: lick-chicks-not-dicks (dot) tumblr (dot) com
JESUS GOES TO HOGWARTS
Chapter one: Jesus Walks Through Walls
Jesus pouted and reached up to hold his Dad's hand as they stepped through the crowded train station. The little boy was only ten years old, and had spent that time growing up in a small Jewish town being worshipped and babied all of his life. The hustling and bustling British crowd that pushed and shoved and stank around him made him fearful, and he clung to his Dad's hand tighter, looking up at him for reassurance.
God smiled down at Jesus, His hand dwarfing the boy's in size, as God could only shrink His massive godly-super-mega-awesome form down to about ten feet tall. Needless to say, He towered over all of the muggles surrounding them, who parted like the red sea—in awe, of course. His little boy was plainly terrified of all of the 20th century technology that surrounded him, and the smelly and mean people. Supporting him, God's smile widened and He pointed towards the brick wall between platforms nine and ten.
"There's the gate, Son. Don't hesitate to pray to me if you need help with adjusting, or if kids are mean to you. Are you ready, my boy?" God crouched down to be at eye level with Jesus, resting both His large hands on the ten year old's small shoulders, looking him deeply in the eyes as He conveyed all of His trillions of years of wisdom into the pampered baby.
Jesus bit his trembling lip and leaped forward to hug his Dad, tears pricking his eyes as he pressed in tight to him, pinching his eyes shut and barely getting out. "B-but-Dad! What if I get in the same house as Judas? He's always being mean to me!"
"Son." God pulled back from their heavenly embrace, holding his arms firmly and saying slowly and sternly to get His point across. "It doesn't matter to me what house you are sorted into. Just be yourself, and try to enjoy your time here. I know you'll make me proud. And I expect you to be able to make wine and bread out of nothing by the time you graduate, alright?"
The poor Jewish boy sniffed and rubbed his eyes, standing up taller as he smiled waveringly at God. "O-okay. I'll do my best, Daddy."
God smiled adoringly and stood up, pushing him lightly towards the false brick wall towards platform 9 ¾ after ruffling his hair. "Go on, Son. You don't want to miss your train."
The boy beamed up at Him, grabbing his trolley that was packed with his enormous trunk and his pet angel—it looked like a white bird to the muggle sort—and walked slowly—BUT CONFIDENTLY—right through the wall separating him from his average, normal, son-of-god life, and right into his brand new magical one.