I'm going to get SO flamed for writing this, but I couldn't help it.

I would like to apologize to anyone who has written a story with the same name as this one. I was short on time, and used the first thing I could think of. Don't hate man. C'maaaaan.

Yeah, I know. I'm kind of a jerk for foregoing Cryonics and working on this. I'm sorry guys, BUT IT'S ALL DIALOGUE. I need my breaks.

Also, I'm writing this because a "girl" friend of mine makes fun of me for being overtly sexual in some instances. I figured the best way to prove this would be to make a parody of all things sexual in Mass Effect. Don't worry folks, there will be more of this. (If it doesn't suck entirely) Ash, your move, BIATCH.


"Commander, here are the engineering reports."

Miranda briskly walked up to Shepard, handing him the data-pad with a calculating grasp. The marine took them, but raised an eyebrow, once he got a good glimpse of what she was wearing.

"A G-string Miranda? Really?"

She pursed her lips.

"Says the man wearing a Speedo."

"This whole thing wasn't my idea, Lawson."

Miranda glared at him, taking a step forward. She poked him hard in the chest, emphasizing her point.

"This "Casual Friday" wasn't MY idea. Talk to the Illusive Man's son."

They both cast a glance to the left, watching as Charlie Sheen snorted a long drag of crack off of Grunt's thigh. The Krogan looked incredibly uncomfortable, and was blanching, which was perhaps the first time in recorded history that a Krogan was caught doing so. Miranda and Shepard turned back to each other, and her glare intensified. Her voice sounded like death once she spoke.

"I am going to walk away now. If you-"

She turned towards Shepard's left, pointing at both Kenneth and Joker, both of which were listening to the conversation.

"ANY of you look down before I escape to my quarters, I'll make you wish the Reapers came early."

With that she turned, walking quickly away.

Despite her warning, all three stared at her as she moved. Once out of hearing range, Joker and Kenneth started, much to the displeasure of their commander.

"I'd tap that biotic bubble butt."

"I agree mate. I'm amazed her name is LAWSON with that kind of behind."

"I'm pretty sure she could bounce on my legs and not break a single one!"

"Definitely. I'd enter her ass effect relay anyti—"


Shepard turned, smacking both of them in the face.






The warning light blared loud, which woke Joker from his slumber.

"SHIT. Batarians!"

He activated the intercom for Shepard's room, hoping she would respond.

+Joker, this had better be important+

He nearly made a comment about the importance of pirates, but decided rather to inform her.

"Commander, we've got pirates planning to board. You need to assemble to squad!"

+Mmmmm…Booty pirates. That sounds like a good roleplay idea. Don't you think, Thane?+

Joker face froze like a popsicle. Shepard had forgotten to turn off the comms.

+That could work, Siha. I'll be waiting to drop the anchor over on the bed+

"SHEPARD. We're in danger! Put your damn clothes on and defend the ship!"

She didn't hear, however, as the line went dead.


Joker was panicking. He had to warn the rest of the team. Garrus would know what to do.

"GARRUS! Get your blue armored ass to deck 4! We're about to be-"

the pilot couldn't finish however, as the sound of a whip snapping was heard over the line.

+Harder! * Snap * Oh GOD YES YOU BITCH. C'MON LAWSON!+

Joker threw the headset down, leaning back as far as possible. He cut the connection immediately, hoping to never hear Garrus speak like that again. Jeff needed to remain calm. He hated to admit it, but he needed help.


The familiar hologram popped up, voice sounding ready as ever.

"Yes Jeff?"

He turned to her.

"Thank god, I need—"

He stared at the hologram, his eyes focusing harder and harder.

"Why….Pink…Why are you pink?"

She didn't respond.

"EDI, why are you PINK."

The AI took a second before responding to the stunned pilot.

"I am currently exchanging data with Legion. I am afraid I am unable to assist you."

Joker turned back to the console, face beet red.

"I don't wanna know. I don't want to know. I don't want to know…"

Taking a brief second to rest, the realization that the pirates were getting closer dawned on him. Hoping that Jack might be able to help, he contacted her. What came next scarred him for the rest of his life.

+You call this fucking old man? MAKE AN EFFORT+

Never in all his years had Joker heard something like this. Nor did he want to ever again. He cut the comms chat quickly, dropping his head onto the desk.


The sound of silence accompanied Joker as he waited for the upcoming battle. It seemed that he would have to fight off the pirates on his own.

"Joker? Is something wrong?"

The pilot whipped the chair around, his eyes catching on Tali.

"Tali, I…"

They're gazes met, and Joker stood from his chair. They moved closer, starting to come within reach of one another. Jeff opened his mouth, hoping to tell her what was REALLY important.


She replied to him breathily.

"Yes, Jeff?'

His eyes fell as he handed her the shotgun.

"Could you go kill the pirates about to board? The rest of the team is too busy fucking like rabbits."

She rolled her eyes while pumping the shotgun.

"On it."

-Bosht'ets can't even keep it in their pants on a military ship-


"Why can't I have both of you?"

Ashley glared at him, flipping the bird in his face.

"Screw you Shepard! Who the fuck in their right mind would want a threesome with you and the Ms. Smurfs-a-lot?"


"Why can't I have both of you?"

Kaidan stared at his Commander. Had she said what he thought she said? Quickly evaluating the situation, he switched to math.

Hot girl = good.

Shepard = hot girl.

Sex = good.

Hot girl + sex = awesome

Rule of logic: Mathematical proof of Modus Ponens:

Ergo Shepard + sex = super awesome

ADD THE VARIABLE: Hot asari doctor named Liara.

Shepard + Liara + Sex = Threesome = FUCKING AMAZING.

The lieutenant raised his head, nodding vigoriously.

"I support this Shepard. I am totally fine with this arraignment."

^ REASON WHY I NUKED ASHLEY (Not really. I just had a bro-mance with Kaidan)