Training the Newbies
By Icka! M. Chif

"You must be the new Duklyon!" Kentarou grinned, bouncing into the headquarters of Gakuen Tokkei Duklyon. "Pleased to meet you! I'm Kenpi and this is Takeshi!"

"Takepon." Takeshi corrected without thinking.

There was a slight pause as Takeshi caught his mistake a little bit too late, causing the other boys to grin. He glared at Kentarou, who just smiled back, looking innocent. "I'm -Takeshi-." He said firmly. "And this joker here is actually named Kentarou. We're the former Duklyon."

The 2 new boys, who were about the same age Takeshi and Kentarou had been when they first joined, introduced themselves. One looked rather bored at the introductions, and the other looked very eager.

"The Boss asked us to give you a few pointers before you take over our positions." Kentarou explained. "There are a few things you probably need to be aware of."

"Such as-" Takeshi pointed to a poster of Erii that Kentarou pulled down from the wall. "Your supervisor, Chuusonji Erii. She's a lovely lady."

"A charming lady."

"A generous lady."

"With a very large heart."

"A kind heart."

"A loving heart."

"Which is completely devoted to him." Takeshi motioned to a second poster Kentarou pulled down over the picture of Erii, this one of Sukiyabashi Kotobuki as he had been when he was still leader of the Imonoyama Shoutengai attempting to take over the world. Flashing teeth, narrowed eyes, dramatic costume and all. The 2 newbies blinked, slightly taken back.

"Totally devoted."

"100% devoted."

"Head over heels devoted."

"So don't try to talk sweet talk or charm your way out of anything when she's around. First off, she won't tolerate it. Second off, she won't listen anyway so it's not worth your while."

"And if you do try, she'll use these." Kentarou dragged over a large mallet and set it down in front of the 2 trainees. "This is one of her older, lighter ones. Try to pick it up."

The cockier of the 2 reached down and attempted to pick it up. And failed. He tried again, his body straining and managed to lift it a couple inches off the ground. The other one didn't even try.

"Where'd you get that old one from?" Takeshi asked.

"Oh, I borrowed it from Sukiyabashi." Kentarou grinned. "They were planning on throwing it out since she started using the ones twice that weight. Take a look, I think it still has a couple of dents from my head on it."

Takeshi casually checked. "You're right, it does." He nodded. He'd recognise those dents anywhere. The newbies started to panic slightly. "Now, The Mallets of Justice are applied when you do something wrong. Say that you break something in a fight-"

"You get hit with Mallet-sama."

"The bad guys get away-"

"You get hit with Mallet-sama."

"You're a little late showing up after the music has started to play-"

"You get hit with Mallet-sama."

"You use up all the bandages in the local nurses station after a run-in with the mallets-"

"You get hit with Mallet-sama. Also if you use the last of the tissues because your jaw got broken."

"Kentarou here got hit with the mallets so often, I'm amazed his nose is still intact."

"Thanks to our medical insurance." Kentarou grinned.

"We get medical insurance?" Takeshi asked, surprised. "Since when?"

"Oops. Nevermind..." Kentarou sweatdropped and strove to look innocent. He didn't quite succeed.

The blue-eyed boy gave him a suspicious look but let it pass. "Backing up a bit. As far as being late to show up, you know the drill, right? The cheesy music plays, you excuse your self from class and head to the bakery. Piece of cake, right?"

The 2 boys nodded.

"Wrong. You've got to think up excuses ahead of time. Saying you just got married and are heading on your honeymoon doesn't work."

"Unfortunately." Kentarou sighed dramatically, looking disappointed.

Takeshi shot him another strange look. Kentarou grinned and continued the explanations. "Needing to go to the Health Centre would seem to be a good one."

"Except for the teachers check up on it."

"Bathroom is another obvious one."

"Except trying to explain why you were in bathroom for over an hour. With each other."

"Feigning illness works occasionally."

"Until they realise that you didn't throw up, you just accidentally knocked over your bento and they make you both clean it up."

"So you've got to get creative with your excuses. Very creative."

"Another thing, once you finally get to the bakery. The passage way is an oven, correct?"

The newbies nodded.

"Have they mentioned that it's a -working- oven yet?"

The newbies' eyes bugged out.

"Anything flammable, like hairspray. Bad idea."

"However, the Kitchen Obaasan is more than willing to splash you down first so that you don't completely fry on the way down."

"White clothing- Bad idea."

"Make sure that your clothes are something that will dry quickly in case that happens."

"Fighting in power armour with soggy underwear is not fun."

Takeshi looked at Kentarou, who just shrugged. "What? It's true."

He shook his head, wondering yet again why he hung out with the brown-eyed boy. "Which brings us to The Boss."

"Who may look like somebody famous on campus."

"Who has blond hair."

"And carries a fan."

"That changes when he speaks, just like the Boss'."

"But isn't actually the Boss."

"And he happens to have a body guard."

"Who doesn't look very intimidating."

"But who is very strong."

"And silent."

"And carries lots and lots of knives."

"And could probably kick the Duklyon's butt -in power armour- with his eyes shut and having tea."

"Thank you for that mental picture, Kentarou."

"Welcome, Takepon!" Kentarou chirped. Takeshi sweatdropped.

"Behind The Boss, you'll often see 2 lovely ladies wearing sunglasses. Keep an eye on them, they'll tell let you know what kind of mood the Boss in at any given time."

"But don't stare at them too hard or Erii will get mad."

"And she's very strong."

"And doesn't like to fight, but carries a big gun anyway."

"And we've already told you about the mallets."

"Beware the mallets."

"And I think that's about it." Takeshi glanced back at his partner. "Did we leave anything out?"

Kentarou thought about it for a moment. "There's fighting the Villains, but that's not really important and they'll figure it out for themselves."

"That's true."

"About the only other thing I can think of is to tell you to always watch out for your partner. They're your best friend, and probably about the only thing that will keep you sane." Kentarou smiled sweetly.

"Or drive you completely crazy." Takeshi muttered under his breath. Kentarou just beamed at him.

"Anything else? Any questions?" Kentarou asked cheerfully, retracting the posters he had pulled down.

The newbies shook their heads, both looking rather pale.

"Well then, Welcome to Gakuen Tokkei Duklyon, may you have as much fun as we did." Takeshi grinned. "We'll see you around."

"Bai!" Kentarou waved and they walked out of the headquarters, leaving the younger boys sitting there twitching.

*** Epilogue ***

"Hey, Erii!" Kentarou grinned, greeting their friend. "How are the newbies working out for you?"

"Well, at first they were worse than the two of you." The blonde girl sighed. "But since your talk, they've been polite, well-mannered and on-time. I haven't had to discipline them once. They're the exact opposite of you two."

"Oh." Takeshi wasn't sure if they had just been insulted or if they should be pleased.

Erii bopped the two of them on the back of the heads. "You guys stole all my fun!" She groused.

Fin.

Note: I'm blaming this fic on M-dono, for making me take a closer look at CLAMP Campus Detectives and CLAMP in general. _