(A/N) I don't own anything obviously I'm not Jane Austen because I don't think zombies know how to use computers (even though I think a Jane Austen zombie would be pretty kickass)

Dear readers

First, don't be shocked when there are things that people wouldn't have said back then. It is only added for comedic purposes. So laugh or you will make me feel bad LOL. Second, don't be mad when you think, he wouldn't have said that or she wouldn't have done this, its Fanfiction they think and do whatever I want them to ;-). Dance puppet Dance (evil villain laugh)

Ok with that out of the way on to the story

Chapter 1-The Assembly- What if she insulted him first

Elizabeth Bennet was used to noise. With five girls and a flighty mother there was bound to be lots of it, and today wasn't any different. She heard her mother screeching before she even walked into the house. I wonder what has gotten her so worked up this time. It has something to do with marriage, no doubt. It always has something to do with marriage.

"Mr. Bennet you simply must visit Mr. Bingley. Think of our girls. When you kill over, which may indeed be very soon, we will be thrown out of this house and forced to beg for a piece of crust on the side of the road. How can you be so tiresome?" yelled Mrs. Bennet as she trailed her husband throughout the house and her daughters trailed after her.

Yup, exactly as I thought, marriage. With a roll of her eyes Elizabeth walked into the house and followed the rest of her family.

"Tiresome . . . am I really?" Mr. Bennet asked as he stopped and seemed to ponder his wife's statement. Where else do you think I would have gone for three hours yesterday morning? Thomas Bennet shook his head, he knew his wife wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. Actually she wasn't even a knife she was more of a spatula or maybe a rolling pin. Wait, what was I saying, oh yes, my wife is an idiot but I love her for some strange cursed reason. I wonder if she is my punishment for tripping the late Mr. Collins into that pile of horse manure. After a second of contemplation he shrugged his shoulders kept walking and said, "Well if you had told me that, I could have stayed in my library instead of going to visit this Mr. Bingley yesterday, I guess my hope to stop your constant nagging was in vain." said Mr. Bennet chuckling at the look of wonderment on the face of his spouse.

"Oh Mr. Bennet how good you are to us. Girls come thank your wonderful father." yelled Mrs. Bennet to her five daughters as she went to kiss her husband.

"Is he handsome Papa?" said Lydia "Is he amiable?" chimed Kitty

"As I am also a male I can be no good judge of his handsomeness but yes, he is amiable" replied Mr. Bennet

"Will he come to the assembly, Papa?" asked Lydia

"Yes, I believe he shall." said Mr. Bennet to the delight of his entire household.

Finally, it was the day of the Assembly and the Bennet household was all in a flutter while Mr. Bennet hid in the privacy of his library hoping against hope that his wife would stop screaming.

"Jane, you must make sure you look your best for dear Mr. Bingley. Oh! Five thousand a year, oh my nerves." said Mrs. Bennet as she looked in on her two eldest daughters to make sure they were getting dressed. "Yes mama" said Jane as Lizzy tried to hide her giggle behind her hand. Her mother ran off to bother some other unsuspecting victim.

"Do not laugh Lizzy for when I am married that will be what you hear before every dance"

"You are right dear Jane so do me a favor and become an old maid" The sisters laughed at her silliness and continued getting dressed, both thinking of the possibilities the night could hold.

The women of the Bennet household arrived at the assembly right before it was in full swing. Lydia and Kitty went running to talk with Maria Lucas, Mary found a corner to read in, Mrs. Bennet began gossiping with Mrs. Lucas and Elizabeth and Jane went to talk to Charlotte.

As soon as they found Charlotte the doors opened and a hush fell over the room. The much anticipated Netherfield party had finally arrived.

Elizabeth was standing with Charlotte and Jane on the edge of the room trying to get a look at the newcomers. "Charlotte, you have met them have you not? Which one is our Mr. Bingley?"

"Well, Mr. Bingley is on the right and his sister is on the left"

"And the person with the quizzical brow?"

Darcy was accustomed to the gossip when he arrived and was not surprised to hear his name whispered in the room but this conversation in particular did catch his attention.

"That is Mr. Bingley's good friend Mr. Darcy"

"He looks miserable, the poor soul"

WHAT! Well, I am miserable but that doesn't mean I look miserable and I will have you know that ladies all over England have jumped through hoops just to get me to look at them and not one of them thinks I look miserable. I hate these country manners. Thought an offended Darcy, as he walked through the room of silent gawkers.

"Miserable he may be but poor he most certainly is not. He has ten thousand a year and he owns half or Derbyshire"

Why does everybody keep saying I am miserable? Maybe if you stopped staring at me like idiots I wouldn't look so uncomfortable. And HA! The joke is on you because I make significantly more than ten thousand a year not that I would ever say that out loud. Ms. Bingley is already on the edge of compromising me just to get at Pemberly.

"The miserable half I am sure"

NO! It is not the miserable half of Derbyshire. Everyone who is employed by me is treated with respect and they are more than happy to be in my employ. Who is this rude girl? Thought Darcy as he looked at a petite girl with brown hair and brown eyes.

"Hush Lizzy, I think he heard you, he just looked this way" said Jane

Yes, I did hear you! Did she really just say I own the miserable half of my own town? He hated this. The staring, the plotting mothers, whispered comments when they didn't know anything about him, except a rough estimate of his income which was grossly understated. Obviously things weren't going to change in this tiny town if this girl was anything to go by.

And who is she to talk about looking miserable, it's not like she is Aphrodite reincarnated. Yes, her eyes are very pretty but that is her only redeeming quality. Oh well, it's not like I planned on dancing with her, and if I am lucky I won't have to dance with Ms. Bingley. Thought a hopeful Darcy, as he reached the end of the room and turned around to look at a crowd of curious faces. The music began and everyone finally started to move again.

Almost as soon as their party came to a complete stop they were bombarded with introduction after introduction. Currently they were being introduced to a family their last name started with a "B" but Darcy stopped trying to remember names after the fifth family that had been introduced. There were three girls, one was a classic beauty, tall, blonde and pleasing figure, another was pretty but nothing spectacular and the last was a pouting brunette who had to be the youngest of the three if her expression was anything to go off of. Apparently there were more of them but they were dancing. I would hate to be the man in that house thought Darcy as he heard Bingley ask the oldest to dance.

"We are a long way from Grosvenor Square, are we not Mr. Darcy" simpered Caroline next to his ear.

Good Lord I wish she would stop talking, if Charles wasn't my best friend I don't know how I would be civil. I wonder if I can speak to the pope about sainthood. "Seeing as you were in the carriage as well, Ms. Bingley, you should know exactly how far we are from Grosvenor Square." Remarked Darcy hoping it would deter her from saying anything else. As usual, it didn't.

"Oh how funny you are Mr. Darcy"

"It is quite unintentional I assure you madam" Damn it Charles where are you? Come save me from your viper of a sister.

As Darcy stood on the side of the room with Caroline he scanned the crowd for Bingley, thanking his parents for his great height. Finally he saw Bingley dancing with the pretty blonde they were introduced to. It is always a blonde. Thought Darcy but he couldn't help admiring him for his manners that let him make friends so easily. No sooner than Darcy thought this than the dance came to an end and Bingley was making his way towards Darcy.

"Darcy, I have just met the most beautiful girl in all of England" said Bingley

"You always meet the most beautiful girl in all of England Charles" retorted Caroline

"Nobody was talking to you, sister dear, so your response was not needed nor asked for, anyways back to what I was saying . . . wait what was I saying? Ah yes the most beautiful angel in all of Heaven."

"Oh is it Heaven now, I thought it was just England"

"Again as I recall, Carey, I was not speaking to you" said Charles as he tweaked his older sister's nose just to annoy her. "Darcy I must introduce you to Miss Bennet and her sister. I hate to see you stand about in this stupid manner while I enjoy myself. Come, I will have none of your excuses." And with that Bingley was already walking across the room leaving Darcy no choice but to follow.

"Miss Bennet, Miss Elizabeth allow me to introduce my friend Mr. Darcy of Pemberley in Derbyshire and my sister Miss Caroline Bingley. Darcy was just telling me how much he would love to dance with you Miss Elizabeth, weren't you Darcy."

I'm going to kill him. As Darcy finally looked at the petite brunette he realized that this was the girl who said he looked miserable. I am miserable but that doesn't give her the right to comment on it, but maybe I can have some fun with this. Anything is better than listening to Miss Bingley compliment me on how great I sip my punch or walk or talk or eat or breathe. I wonder if Charles would consider putting her in a nunnery.

I'm going to kill him! How could he do this to me? I have been working to get Mr. Darcy to dance with me all night and Charles offers this country trollop. If I thought for a second Mr. Darcy would actually accept I might have contemplated punching my little brother .Thought a really pissed Caroline.

"Yes, Miss Elizabeth I would love to dance but I have heard that my reputation precedes me and I don't know if you would want to dance with a man who owns the miserable half of a town" said Darcy thinking that maybe he could find some fun in this night after all.

WHAT! Caroline almost sank like a stone. She couldn't actually believe Mr. Darcy would do this to her. Dance with some country local but not dance with the sister of his best friend and hostess.

Elizabeth had the good grace to blush at realizing her comment had been overheard. Even though she wasn't sure she wanted to dance with Mr. Bingley's proud and disagreeable friend, good manners would not let her reject him. "I would be happy to dance with you Mr. Darcy and I am sure whatever part of Derbyshire you wish to tell me about will be interesting, as I have never been there and should have no opinion about its merits or inhabitants." answered Elizabeth looking up at him through her lashes hoping that he would hear the apology in her voice.

Darcy heard it; he just chose to ignore it.

Coming up next: Chapter 2- The aftermath- What if they dance and Darcy isn't a douche

(A/N) Let the games begin! Thanks for reading my story this is my first fanfic so please review I want to know how I am doing! Ok so I will post at least once every two weeks but if I finish a chapter early then you just get a nice surprise LOL. Also I am almost finished with the second chapter so it should be posted soon