Author's Note: Vampires have gotten extremely popular these days. This is what happens when I start asking random people really stupid questions. Based on a real conversation I had, starting with Cloud's question.

Edited 7/3/14

Intelligent Conversation

"There are various theories, but only mine is correct." ~ Genesis Rhapsodos

It wasn't often that Commander Genesis Rhapsodos ate in the Mess Hall. Usually he remained in his office, relying on Angeal or his secretary to bring him food. The reason he so rarely visited the Mess was because complete and utter chaos seemed to trail in his wake, and the lunch ladies complained about it to Lazard. This day would be no exception.

"Hey Genesis?"


"Do vampires blink?"

Genesis' concentration remained fixed on chapter six of LOVELESS until he registered the question. Then he lowered the book. Did vampires blink? He turned to look at Cloud, who seemed perfectly sincere.

"Do they what?"

"You know, blink." Cloud batted his eyelashes a few times for emphasis.

Confused, Genesis shook his head. "Why wouldn't they?" he asked, honestly curious now.

"Well, I know they don't have to breathe because they're dead, so I wondered if they don't have to blink either."

Genesis didn't know much about vampires, but he knew a lot about dead people. They didn't blink. "Perhaps not. Although, their eyes would dry out."

Furrowing his brow, Cloud went deep into thought. Or, at least that's how he appeared to the commander. "Maybe they have eye drops," he suggested after a minute.

The mere notion was absolutely ridiculous. "Could you imagine?" he guffawed, dropping his voice into a heavy accent. "My dear, you look so ravishing tonight, I could just eat- oh, excuse me my dear, my eyes seem to have developed some dryness. Please pardon me while I put in my eye drops."

"I guess eye drops wouldn't be very convenient. Or romantic. Maybe they just let their eyes dry out, then."

"Doesn't that sound attractive." Using his fingers, Genesis stretched his eyes wider than they would normally go and gave Cloud a stupid grin. The cadet covered his mouth with his hand to keep from laughing aloud. But Genesis loved it when Cloud lost control, and wanted to see more. "Aren't I just the embodiment of sexy, Cloudy?" he asked, licking his lips in what might have been a seductive manner under more normal circumstances.

Cloud pointed a shaking finger at him. "Y-You look like Professor Hojo on crack!"

The vivid imagination Genesis had always been proud to say he had quickly brought forward an image of the esteemed scientist snorting cocaine in his office. He probably does too. Either way, the thought made Genesis release his eyes and let out a rather loud cackle that drew the attention from some of the surrounding tables.

Once their laughter had abated, Genesis rubbed his eyes. "It's hard to see with my eyes pulled open like that," he commented. "Maybe vampires are blind."

"I don't think Dracula wandered around with a cane and seeing- eye dog, Gen."

"Maybe they're psychic."

"Wait! What about that thing bats do, where they send out those high pitched sounds and wait for them to bounce off of things? Like Sonar? Vampires are related to bats, aren't they?"

"Yes, of course! Why didn't I think of that?" Genesis gave Cloud a pat on the shoulder. "Well done, Cadet."

Giggling, Cloud saluted. "Why thank you, Commander."

"Excuse me, Genesis?" interrupted a new voice of the deep, baritone persuasion.

Genesis glanced behind him to see the leather-clad form of Sephiroth hovering over his shoulder. He opened his mouth to ask what he wanted, then closed it again. Sephiroth's eyes were red and puffy, like he was having an allergic reaction to something. Was Sephiroth actually allergic to anything? Genesis didn't think so. "What happened to you?"

Sephiroth grimaced. "Hairspray."

"What'd you do, hold it the wrong way?" When Sephiroth didn't respond, Genesis realized that was exactly what he had done. "Hero of the Dawn, indeed, Sephiroth..."

Suddenly, Cloud gasped and jabbed a finger at Sephiroth. "Hojo's turned him into a vampire!" he shrieked, causing nearly everyone to stop what they were doing and turn to stare.

In a flash, Genesis realized that he was right.

"Run, Cloud!" he cried, yanking the blond to his feet. "Run before he uses his bat powers to find you and drink your blood and devour your sooooooul!"

And so the two of them ran from the Mess Hall screaming at the tops of their lungs, leaving an extremely confused Sephiroth behind in a room full of terrified lower-class SOLDIERs.

Another ordinary day in the life of Commander Genesis Rhapsodos.

A/N: The very foundation of Intelligent Conversation has been built upon reader suggestions. So, if you have any suggestions for conversation topics, feel free to leave them in a review. Cloud likes mythological creatures, superstitions, being suspicious of fellow ShinRa employees, attempting to debunk the mysteries of the universe, and driving Genesis absolutely bonkers.