I know I haven't been writing in a while. There simply wasn't anything special to share. But this week I'm getting married and it's definitely something worth writing.
There are so many feelings fighting inside of me, that sometimes I wonder if it's even possible for one person to feel it all.
But what can I do.
The wedding is exactly seven days from today. I wondered why I was procrastinating with writing about it, but now I realize that some part of me still hoped that there is something I could do.
But there isn't.
And it's not that I hate the idea of marrying Renji.
We've known each other for so long and I know he's a good man. I know he'll take care of me and would never hurt me intentionally.
Back then, at school, we parted ways, because he believed that was better for me, but for all this time he was thinking about me. That is the best proof that he only wants the best for me.
It's not like I don't wish him well, I also want him to be happy, but… I can't force myself to love him.
Not the way he wants.
Every time he kisses me or touches… my thoughts are wandering somewhere far away.
Somewhere in the Real World to precise.
I'm ashamed to admit it, but I wish there was somebody else putting the kisses on my lips and I know it's not fair to deceive Renji, I feel really awful with that, but looking on the whole situation, it's better this way.
Even if there was a chance that Ichigo returned my feelings, there is no way for us to be together.
He is a human living in Karakura, I'm a ghost in residence of Soul Society.
That aside makes it quite difficult to work out.
When I put the fact that he is a young, 20 year old man and I'm 160 years old, it makes it even clearer.
This is just the common sense.
Marrying Renji is the best thing I can do; everyone will be happy because of that- Renji in the first place, because he loves me so much I can't even imagine; my brother, who approved our relationship, he agreed to the marriage without thinking; and all our friends, who were so excited about the news after we announced it.
The whole ceremony is already set and it's going to be wonderful.
I could feel that my brother, underneath his usual mask of indifference really enjoys it; he arranged everything the best way he could, invited guests and generally took care of the organization.
I'm really thankful for everything he has done for me and I will never find a way to thank him. So I hope that at least with that I could make him happy.
Women around the world married men without the love.
It's not very unique.
I'm really lucky that I will marry such a good man, who, in addition, is my best friend.
I should be thankful that I will make so many people happy and basically, there is nothing I loose.
The only thing I would like to know, is why my heart aches so much, and the bitter tears fill my eyes?
Byakuya slowly raised his eyes from the simple notebook that lied open on Rukia's desk and left to his private room.
After closing the door, he looked at the picture of Hisana, which was standing on the fireplace.
What should I do?
He never thought that after going to Rukia's room he'll find her diary, especially an opened one. He only looked for the documents she took yesterday to fill in.
He shouldn't have read this, he knew that, but after first sentences he just couldn't stop. Now, he was partly happy that he found out, and partly confused.
There was still time to cancel everything.
But how to explain it? Talk to Rukia and admit that he read her diary, convince her she shouldn't do this?
Or simply use his authority and tell everybody that he had changed his mind and Abarai Renji is not an appropriate candidate for his sister?
He considered the last option for a long time, but how will he explain this to Renji?
He won't give up that easily.
Byakuya remembered well, how strongly he fought for Rukia before her execution, even though he had no chance to defeat him.
He really loved her and he deserved a better explanation than "I changed my mind."
Or… behave like he didn't know anything and let Rukia marry Renji?
He looked at the picture of Hisana once again.
They both were so similar to each other.
He imagined a situation when someone forces Hisana away from him. He would never allow for something like this.
Then he remembered the promise he gave her.
And that moment he came up with another idea.
If this won't work, he'll let things happen as if he didn't know anything.
Byakuya took a piece of paper and started to write one extra invitation, for somebody, who was not on the list of guests that Rukia handed him a few months ago.
"Oh, I would forgot." Yuzu put the cutlery on the table and walked away from the table. "There is a letter for you, Ichigo. It came a few days ago."
Ichigo looked surprised from the plate. "A letter? Who sends me letters? Especially on this address?"
"I have no idea, but it looks formal. Here you are." Yuzu came back with small, white envelope, lacked with brown seal.
This time Ichigo put everything away and broke the lack.
It was strange to get a letter, these days he mostly received e-mails or text messages. He even doesn't get the bills that way, because he arranged everything electronically, to make it easier. What was even more weird, somebody sent the letter here, even though he moved a year ago.
He pulled out a delicate, white, waxed paper, written with really narrow and calligraphic style of writing. There were also the delicate embellishments in the corners.
"And, what is it Ichigo?" Karin asked, while he was reading, his eyes becoming wider with every word.
"An invitation." He replied with surprise, after his brain understood the meaning of the words.
"An invitation? To what?"
"To a wedding."
"Who's getting married? It's so fantastic! Do we know them? Maybe we should call with congratulations?" Yuzu's excitement annoyed Ichigo more than the whole letter itself.
"No, it's from old friend. I don't know if I even go."
"What do you mean? If they sent you invitation you must go! They want to see you on their special day!" Yeah, it was that easy for Yuzu. Too bad he couldn't see it in this light.
"But I don't know if I want to see them. Excuse me." Ichigo took his plate and put it in the sink, leaving astonished Yuzu and Karin in the dining room.
He needed to think about it.
What the hell was she thinking sending him an invitation to her wedding?
They haven't seen each other for years, even though his powers were quite stable at the moment.
She hasn't visited him and never made him believe that she wanted to keep in touch. He was in Soul Society a few times, but each time, when they meet, there was only "hi" and nothing more.
She had told him once she didn't want trouble.
He hated that, but he learned to live without her, even though the rain came occasionally into his life. It was the hardest then.
And now this.
An invitation. To a wedding.
Of all people. Renji, who had once betrayed her. Who had took her and agreed for her to die, because those were the orders he got.
Did she really wanted to see him there? Or was it some kind of sick joke?
He lied on the bed in his old room and glanced at the damn wardrobe, where she used to sleep.
Even though so much time passed, it still felt like she would come out any moment and kick Kon in his face.
He turned on his bed.
The desire to see her, was as strong as always. Even though he had dealt with it in his own way, even though he met other girls, there was still some part of him that wanted her and just her.
But… do you really love him?
Ichigo went through the gate in the Urahara's shop and landed in the Soul Society. Now only a few shunpos separated him from the place of ceremony.
But he was still undecided if he should show up or not. He couldn't think of the reason, why would she send him an invitation.
They were not friends anymore, they didn't keep in touch, actually there was more dislike between them than any other feeling.
So why the hell did she send the invitation?
He thought he wouldn't know unless he speaks to her.
He adjusted Zangetsu on his back and shunpoed to the Kuchiki's mansion.
"Where the hell are my shoes?" Rukia ran around her room only in her underwear and bathrobe on, watching out for the distinguished bun the Kuchiki's hairdresser have been creating for the past three hours. The hairstyle was great, but she couldn't find her shoes for God's sake! And there were only two hours left!
She bend down to look under the bed, but they were not there. When she lifted herself up, becoming more nervous, she heard somebody knocked to her door.
Great, what else?
Rukia opened the door with more force than she was supposed to, but she immediately calmed down after seeing her guest.
"Can I come in?" He asked softly.
"Yes, of course! Something happened? Is everything OK with the ceremony?" Please, she begged in her mind, don't tell me there are any troubles. I simply won't handle this.
"Yes, everything is fine. Except one thing."
"What is it, brother?"
"Do you love Renji?"
"What kind of question is that?" She narrowed her eyes and couldn't believe that this conversation was for real. Why all of sudden? Why on the day of the wedding?
"Just answer me."
Rukia watched Byakuya in surprise. What…?
"I've got my answer." He said calmly and headed to the door.
"But brother! I haven't replied you! What are you doing?" She didn't know what to think of that behavior, what was he planning?
"When someone asks you if you love somebody, you don't hesitate. That's why I said I've got my answer." He opened the door, and Rukia stood frozen in the middle of her room, confused with the conversation they've just had.
"One more thing." He said just before closing the door. "Ichigo Kurosaki wants to talk to you. He's waiting in the hall."
Rukia's eyes widened at the last statement, Ichigo? Here? Today?
She immediately left her room and went to the hall, where he stood, a bit taller than she remembered. Aside from that, he hadn't changed at all; the orange hair were the same, as well as Zangetsu on his back and the intense amber eyes that drilled into her as soon as she entered.
"Rukia." He stated simply.
"Ichigo." She stopped in front of him, fighting with two opposite feelings- the urge to escape and… the urge to get closer.
They looked at each other for a couple of seconds, what seemed like years.
Despite the fact they were separated for so long, nothing changed between them.
She could still feel the electricity from the tips of her toes up to the top of her head, even though they were not even touching themselves.
"Congratulations… I guess." He finally said slowly.
"Thanks." For a moment she forgot the tongue in her mouth. "What brings you here?"
"That's what I want to know. Why did you send me the invitation?" That question totally surprised her.
She purposely didn't send him one, even though Renji asked a few times if she wanted Ichigo on their wedding. She always smiled and told him that yes, he was special, but they were not in good terms anymore and he had his own life in the Real World.
So how come he…?
Then she remembered her brother before, asking if she loved Renji…
"I… I don't know." That was an honest response. She really didn't know.
"Shit, Rukia, what the hell are you doing? Just who am I to you?" he raised a palm to his hair and messed it, as if to show his frustration. "First you tell me we can't be together, because it's not reasonable. I get that. Then you break the connection completely without any warning, you don't show up for years, and now, all of sudden you send me an invitation. What the hell does that mean? I don't get you."
I don't get it myself. She thought, but didn't say a word, only turned her head to the side to avoid his look.
"Do you even love him? I never thought you could be with Renji." What was with them all of sudden, asking her that question over and over again? No, I don't she wanted to scream, but held back, for her own good. The wedding was just in two hours, she had to finish this conversation and calm down before the ceremony.
"If you don't want to attend my wedding, then I don't expect you to take part in it. I invited you because we went through a lot together, but you can do what you want. I can't force you to…" She didn't get to finish, because suddenly he was beside her, holding her head and kissing feverishly.
Without thinking she embraced his neck and kissed him back, feeling the heat of his body through the thin, silk robe.
Never, ever had she felt something similar.
All she could do was to cling to him and forget about the rest of the world, only for that short moment.
"I knew it." He stopped and made a step back to save a proper distance between them. "I knew you didn't love him. Why did you reject me? Why didn't you even try?" He asked, looking at her bitterly.
"It doesn't matter anymore. It's too late." She looked at her feet. That was her choice. The path she took and will follow.
"It is Ichigo, don't make me say it again. I don't want you in my life." She said angrily, wiping away a single tear that appeared in her eye. How pathetic.
"If that's what you wish… but you have never been a good liar." He said and turned around to the exit.
She didn't deny. He knew her more than anybody else and needed to accept the fact that she choose to marry Renji, for everyone's sake.
Rukia breathed out heavily and headed her room. Time to prepare herself and find those damn shoes.
Renji walked outside the Kuchiki mansion and thought frantically what to do. The whole conversation… it was painful, but he needed to admit, that he was the biggest fool in this whole situation.
Not because his bride loved someone else but because he had been deceiving himself for such a long time.
He believed that his love would be enough for both of them and it was only a matter of time for her to forget completely about Ichigo. He thought that in time it'll be all right.
But after seeing with his own eyes how she kissed him and lied to him for his good, he knew that there was nothing he could do. By marrying Rukia, he would make both of them unhappy.
He knew he loved her enough to let her go.
Without wasting any more time, he entered the building and went straight to Rukia's room.
He knocked lightly and smiled after seeing her with the beautiful hairstyle and make up. She still wasn't dressed properly, but the thought that she would do it all just for him gave him strength.
"Renji! You're not supposed to be here! A groom cannot see the bride before the wedding!" She tried to close the door in front of his nose and Renji smiled at her, blocking the door with his hand.
"There will be no wedding." He said calmly, still smiling.
"I have something to announce." Byakuya stood on the platform for the young couple.
"Due to some unexpected circumstances, both the bride and the groom decided not to get married."
He wanted to continue, but the buzzing that echoed after his words was deafening. Even though he had a microphone in his hand, there was no helping it. So he just stood alone, waiting for the guests to quiet down.
"The party however will be held, so feel free to use everything what is prepared and have a good time. Thank you." He thought that there will be some trouble with more important members of the Kuchiki family who were already coming towards him, wanting an explanation for such a shame.
He looked around and admired everything what was prepared; the tables decorated beautifully with white and pink flowers, the clean tablecloths, shining sun above… it could be such a perfect wedding.
However he was glad, that nothing came up with this.
"Can you please explain this to us Byakuya? This is quite unexpected." The officials have already approached him and he prepared himself for long discussions, full of lies they made up together with Rukia and Renji.
When Ichigo heard the news from Byakuya Kuchiki's mouth, he stood up from his spot beneath one of the most hidden tables on the whole area, and tried to walk calmly towards the exit.
His legs however wouldn't listen.
As soon as he reached a place which wasn't that thick populated, he started to run back to the Kuchiki mansion he left about an hour ago.
Was it true?
Did she really change her mind?
Ichigo made a few quick shonpos and stopped right in front of the large door.
Without thinking twice, he stormed inside.
He didn't even have to say anything, because she was sitting on the stairs opposite to him.
"I knew you'd come." She said quietly and he approached her.
"Of course I would. Did you… did you change your mind… Did you change your mind about me…? About us?" Ichigo was looking down at the small girl who was still wearing the same pale blue bathrobe he saw earlier, still had a beautiful hairstyle, which made her features more… noble. He had never felt his heart beating so fast, in none battle, was it with Byakuya, Grimmjow or Aizen.
He was nervous, just as he was nervous back then, but it was different.
He knew, that all his future life depends now on her answer.
If she rejects him once again, then he swore to himself that his foot will never stand in Soul Society again.
"I… " She finally looked at him and he saw fear in her eyes. "I want to try, Ichigo. I know this is madness and we have… we have basically no chance, but I want to try. I could not forgive myself… not trying." She looked him directly in the eye. "Can you… forgive me and start again?"
Ichigo smiled at her calmly and sat beside Rukia on the red carpet that was lying on the stairs.
Those were the words he had dreamed to hear.
"You're one impossible woman, you know that?" he leaned his elbows on his knees comfortably. "You made me suffer for all those years and still won't tell me you love me. That's bitchy, you know that?"
"Excuse me?" Her eyebrows created one dangerously sharp line. "You were supposed to say 'I'm yours forever, do whatever you wish with me'! Or something like this! But of course, you had to ruin the moment saying I'm bitchy. Who does that to the woman of his life?" She dug her elbow between his ribs painfully.
"If you say you love me, I'll consider saying some cheesy line as well." Ichigo smirked and noticed how her cheeks reddened, probably because of anger.
"I… I…" she stuttered and it was really funny to watch how hard it was for her to admit it. "I love you." She said quietly, not looking at him.
"Hmm? What did you say? I couldn't hear you at all." He shook his head, watching as her hands were gripping the bathrobe tightly. Now, that was fun.
"I… love you." She said a little bit louder.
"Nahh, I still can't hear a word you say." He turned his head to the right, so that she couldn't see his amused expression. She probably felt a little guilty and took it seriously.
"I love you! Don't make me repeat myself, idiot!" She yelled and stood up and pushing his chest with her pointer finger. "You… are you making fun of me?" She strained when she noticed his grinning face.
"No, I just love you too." He stood up as well and placed his mouth on hers.
She was still angry and it looked like she wanted to free herself to throw a few insults at him, but Ichigo simply put his hand on her waist and brought her closer. She mumbled a few more syllables before she hugged him and kissed back.
This is what you call a strong persuasion. Ichigo thought with amusement, trying to tactfully figure out if she had something underneath that nice bathrobe.
I haven't written in a while once again, and it's not going to be a long note. I don't have much time, because Ichigo can come out from the shower in any moment, and God only knows how much he would laugh if he found out I am writing a diary.
That is also why it's probably my last note here.
I just want You to know that I finally know what it feels to be truly happy and I hope that it will last forever.
~ So, how did you like it? It was real fun for me to write it, because that idea was stuck in my head for a couple of months ;) Thank you for reading, and I would be extremely glad if you shared with me your impressions about this oneshot;)
Love you all,