AN: All ambiguity is intentional. That's what I like about this relationship.
50 Points About Us
…You wanna know the reasons I can't love you?
Let me count the ways.
50. The worst thing isn't knowing you could break me. It's seeing you choose not to.
49. I can't chase you away—whether it was in hate, like in the beginning, or for your own safety, the way it became in the end. You should be proud—I've succeeded with everyone else so far. But you—
I pushed you away in all the human language I knew how to speak and with all the superhuman actions we are both capable of. But you wouldn't leave me.
You understand, there's no way I can't hate you for that.
48. Your lips on mine feel right when I know they're not.
47. Damn it. You could make things so much easier. Flirt, fuck, see you till next time. That's what I call simple. That's what I call neat. And we all like things on the neat, simple side. Isn't life fucked up enough already?
46. So tell me. Damn you, why do you have to stick the hell around?
45. I didn't ask you to stay. But that's silly—I guess no one ever asks for anything as screwed up as what we have.
44. Even worse, you make being human tolerable when it most definitely shouldn't be.
43. Dreaming of you, and waking to wet sheets.
42. Dreaming of you, and waking to a wet pillow.
41. Those kinds of dreams are the worst. You wanna know which dreams I like? The ones where you die.
Your death would be my last triumph, for without you, my last vulnerability would be gone.
Your death would make me a god, for without vulnerability, there is no humanity.
40. You tie me down, kicking and screaming, to humanity.
39. When my fear of myself rises up, you're the only one that can kill the monster, that can look me in the eye and say that you don't give a damn, you're not afraid, and not be lying—because you're a monster, too.
38. I can't manipulate you the way I have all the others. As a matter of fact, when it comes to you, I never can seem to use any of my strengths the way I should.
37. The taste of you lingers.
36. I know that I could have any boy or girl I want. But in the end, it's you and me on this stained mattress. Tell me, why is that, again?
35. Getting to know your kinks. Getting to like your kinks.
34. You're so fucking stupid. It pisses me off.
33. What pisses me off more is this: If I know you're fucking stupid, and I'm still around, then what the hell does that make me?
32. Honestly, I couldn't wait to graduate. Because I thought that would make it that much easier to avoid you, your sticky fingers and sharp-cut eyes. Because whenever I see you, it's that much harder to avoid the trap.
31. Sometimes you get that look in your eye, and your face changes, and you act like I'm some sort of piece of glass, and those are the times I wish you'd just throw me on the bed, bite me, use me, fuck me roughly like usual. I don't want your sympathy. I don't need anyone's sympathy.
30. That one time I thought I actually killed you, it felt a whole lot worse than I had thought it would.
29. When you woke up again, it felt a whole lot better than I thought it should.
28. I can smell you on my sheets, long after you're gone. I stayed in late today.
27. Everyone joked about it, at some point. They don't know that it's not at all fucking funny when it's actually happening.
26. Why would I ever need to know what kind of toothpaste you like, anyway? Who knew they made toothpaste in that flavor, anyway?
25. I feel like I don't have a choice in any of this.
24. Your fingers over mine, over the blade. Wrestling for it. The blade drops. The fingers remain.
23. I saw A Tale of Two Cities for sale. I thought of us.
22. If you took the trouble to get three of my ribs broken, why'd you mope around the hospital for weeks while I lay inside? What a total waste of time. Not to mention seeing your idiotic face every day outside the window probably delayed my healing time by at least a week.
21. Fucking in an alley is not pleasant. I hope we don't try that again.
20. I hated it that one time you cried and my arms just started gravitating towards your shoulders.
19. Life was a whole lot simpler when I didn't have to worry about you getting yourself into trouble—which you never fail to do.
18. You have taught me things I didn't want to learn. My world was built plenty strong before you came along, and then you just tore it all down. Damn it, I don't want to rebuild with you. I want my old world back, the one that hasn't been defined by you.
17. Maybe it's better this way. Apart, we destroy the world. Together, we settle for destroying each other.
16. No one would call either of us innocent. Yet together, we can forge it—when we have time, between the broken-down doors and the broken-down hearts.
15. I shouldn't have to know what it's like to wake up upside down, a threatening object held near my throat, a threat hovering in my ear.
I know it. Well.
14. When you talk, you're annoying. When you're silent, sometimes it's worse.
13. Prisoner's dilemma—let's just backstab each other all the time, shall we?
12. My back, scarred from your affections.
11. You're always screwing up the logic of things, making me smile when I want to be screaming.
10. Even my family thinks I'm stupid now. Damn their knowing little smirks, their smiles hidden behind their hands.
9. I can't sleep well unless it's after we've had sex.
8. Has anyone told you your outfit is completely ridiculous? I certainly think so. I'll remind you every day.
7. I refuse to cry for myself. I may cry for you, if I'm in the mood, if I have nothing better to do. I hate crying. Therefore, I hate you.
6. One or the other of us wins the single battles. You'd think a victor would emerge sooner or later. But God damn it if, when you zoom out enough, it all doesn't just average straight back out.
I'd have tried harder to avoid this war if I knew we were just going to tie.
5. I hate it when you complete my sentences.
4. I hate it when you complete my thoughts.
3. I hate it when you complete me.
2. How long's it been? Five, six, seven years? And this thing is still happening.
1. After the sex, when it's the middle of the night and I'm dozing with the warmth of your weight draped over me, when I can feel our heartbeats sync up right before I fall asleep—I can't even lie to myself anymore, and that's unforgiveable, because I've always been able to lie to myself.
Before you, that is.
…You wanna know the reasons I can love you?
Let me count the ways.
AN: This story shall remain in character, I say! And not too depressing. I tried…
I intended it to go from darker to lighter in tone. Also tried not to rely too heavily on shared memories, 'cause that's cheap. Edited out a lot of the cussing because when I read things with cussing in them I automatically assume they're from Shizu's POV.
Okay I didn't realize this until after I wrote it but I totally ripped points 42/41 off of Brokeback Mountain (story, not movie). Er. Sorry. I was editing and I was like wait a minute… that seems too familiar…