Author's Notes: Me and my friends have been laughing about this for ages…what if Fred and George had actually followed through on their promise to send Ginny a Hogwarts toilet seat? Absolutely pointless, hilariously ridiculous.

Disclaimer: None of it is mine.

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"Are you absolutely sure about this, George?"

"Don't tell me you're backing out!"

Fred squirmed a little at the disbelieving look his twin was sending him. "No, of course not…it's just, Mum'll kill us. Or at the very least send us a Howler." George rolled his eyes. "Check the Map," he ordered. "We don't want anyone sneaking us on us – especially not Perfect Percy."

"Right – you have the fireworks, right?" Fred demanded, his eyes fixed on the battered Marauders' Map. "Which toilet are we going to do?"

"I was thinking of the third from the left in the fifth floor left-hand bathroom," George said seriously. "And of course I have the fireworks. The hard part'll be getting the seat off before we blow it up…or are we intending to blow it up and then get the toilet seat?"

"Toilet seat first, I think," Fred grinned. "Right – coast's clear. We'd better run for it." The twins broke into a run, rounding a corner and leaping down a flight of stairs like a pair of poltergeists. They pulled open a door and closed it behind them, just as Fred saw a tiny dot labelled 'Mrs Norris' stalk onto the landing on the map.

"That was close," George gasped.

"That was fun," Fred agreed. "Now, where are those fireworks?"

"Toilet seat first, remember?" George moved like a whirlwind towards the cubicle he had specified before, took out his wand, and muttered a spell. The toilet seat sprang apart from the actual toilet, and Fred wrinkled his nose.

"Clean it, please," he complained. "That thing smells worse than Oliver's socks after training." George guffawed, but complied, muttering a cleaning spell. The toilet seat instantly looked sparkled.

"Great!" George said exultantly. "Now for the toilet…" He fished around in his robes for a moment whilst Fred retrieved the toilet seat, wrapping it in an old robe. Then George withdrew several of Filibuster's best Wet Start fireworks, stood well back, and threw them neatly into the seat-less toilet.

The entire bathroom seemed to explode. Spluttering – more with laughter than because they were choking – Fred and George left the bathroom and raced back to Gryffindor tower. They could hear Filch's outraged shrieks from behind them, and shared a victorious grin.

Early next morning, the twins sneaked up to the Owlery, found the strongest owl they could, and gave it a U-shaped package addressed to Ginny Weasley. They went down to breakfast chortling, and no amount of begging could get Lee Jordan the answer why.


Ginny Weasley sat on her swing in the back garden of the Burrow, kicking her feet dejectedly and heaving the occasional sigh. It had been absolutely months since Ron had gone off to Hogwarts with the twins and Percy. She hadn't seen any of her brothers since just a few weeks after that, when Bill had stopped by. And she hadn't had so much as a card from her brothers…

Something in the sky caught her attention as she glanced up. It was an owl, carrying an odd-shaped parcel…and it was heading straight for her! It swooped around, dropped the parcel on the grass in front of her, and flew away. Ginny slid from the swing and ripped open the parcel.

"Mum!" she shrieked happily. "Fred and George sent me a Hogwarts toilet seat!"


It took two weeks for Mrs Weasley to calm down enough to re-package the toilet seat and prepare a Howler; two weeks in which Ginny sobbed and wailed that they'd sent it to her, didn't that mean it was hers?

If anyone had looked up at the sky that day, they would have seen a rather curious sight: an old owl carrying a U-shaped package that was obviously too heavy for it; the owl kept loosing altitude suddenly and then gaining it again. Several times it seemed likely that the owl would fall out of the sky entirely, but every time it dropped, it slowly rose again, still carrying its precious parcel.


In the two weeks that followed the toilet-blowing-up incident, both Fred and George practically forgot about the toilet seat they had sent to their little sister. However, one morning at breakfast, they were sharply reminded about it in the worst possible fashion.

Everyone in the Great Hall started pointing and laughing at one of the owls that was loping in with the post. It was an old, bedraggled owl that the twins instantly recognised as Errol, their family owl. The U-shaped parcel that Errol was carrying was just as familiar, and made their hearts sink.

"Oh no," George whispered.

"Mum found it," Fred groaned. He peered up as Errol wheeled around and dropped onto the table, depositing the wrapped parcel in front of them. On top of it sat a large red envelope. As the twins stared at it in abject horror, it began smoking at the corners.

Their youngest brother, Ron, leaned towards them, his face a mixture of fascination and dread. "What did you do?" he demanded. "What is that?" Fred opened his mouth to answer, but then George grabbed him, grabbed the Howler, and legged it as fast as he could out of the castle and onto the lawn, where the Howler exploded a safe distance away from the twins.

"Never," Fred panted. "Never, ever again will we do that."

"Nope," George agreed fervently. "The parcel was too heavy for Errol, for one thing." Fred took one look at his twin, and fell about laughing.