A Letter To Connor
Summary: It's been one month since he's seen his son, and the urge to write to him is overwhelming.
The pen feels heavy, but the urge is there, pressing in on him. It's been one month since he let Connor go, and he hasn't been back to that house. He trusts that Connor is safe and happy, with real parents, a sister, a childhood in his memory, and most importantly, a future.
Angel stares at the blank sheet. It's early morning now; most people are still asleep and the creatures of the night are ambling to bed. Sunlight peeks in through his window, but it doesn't burn him. A deal with the devil keeps him safe from its power, at least inside these walls.
The right words are hard to find, but once he starts he can't stop. Thoughts flow from mind to hand, and ink flows from pen to page. There is so much to say, and when he's done, he rereads the finished product:
There is so much I want to say to you, so much I owe you. But let me start by saying this: not a day goes by that I don't think of you, miss you, and love you. You'll never know it, but I do, so very, very much.
When you first came back to me from Quor'toth, I have to admit I had hope for us as a happy family. I always meant to tell you about your mother, your birth, and more than anything, I wanted to tell you about the life I so desperately wanted to give you.
Connor, when you were born, your mother and I loved you so very much. She wanted you to know that you were the one good thing that we ever created together. I won't lie to you here, not anymore. We caused so much pain and devastation in our time, but you were what mattered. She wanted you to know that you were our salvation, our beautiful boy. And you're still my salvation, my one right thing in a sea of wrong.
For the short while I had you, I had so many plans for us. Don't laugh, but I dreamed of watching you take your first steps. I started saving money so you could attend whatever college you wanted (I was rooting for Notre Dame). I wanted you to play hockey so I could watch your games. I couldn't wait to make a growth chart on the wall, couldn't wait to replace baby teeth with tooth fairy money, or to buy you a tuxedo for your senior prom...
Okay, I'll stop now. You'd probably be rolling your eyes at me by now if you were here.
My biggest regret (and there are more than a few) will always be letting Holtz take you. I tried to get you back, Son, I really did. I can't change what really happened, but I love you, and that's why I let you go. Of all doubts that might come to you in your life, never doubt that I loved you. Not to sound cliché, but I'd die a thousand deaths or walk through a thousands hells if only for you to be safe and happy.
And if ever you need me, I'll still be here.
I love you, Son.
Angel stares at the page for a moment, then closes his eyes and smiles. He understands his own actions with a suddenly perfect clarity.
He wrote the letter for one reason, and one reason only: because he loves his son.
And it's also for this reason that he knows he'll never send it.
A/N: Angel can be so sappy. ) Reviews are much appreciated!