Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.
Waking up next to Edward this morning was much better than last time. Not only was I not being molested by perverted snakes, but I was all wrapped up in arms and legs and tangled feet and just boy. And said boy was kinda hot. Not in the 'oh my god I can't wait to jump his fucking bones' hot. I mean, of course he was that, but right now he was freaking sweltering. All the alcohol we drank last night had definitely raised his body temperature.
I lifted his arm which was like moving a dead body - not that I'd moved a dead body before, but if I did I'm sure this is what it would feel like - and slid off the couch onto the floor. He made a small noise in the back of his throat, but other than that didn't budge. I sat there for a second just taking in his face; his lashes were so long they brushed against his cheeks. His lips were slightly parted and sleep lines were running across his cheek. He looked so peaceful, and completely fucking vulnerable. I smiled at that, feeling a bit like the Grinch as he came up with his evil plan to steal Christmas from the Who's.
"Shit," Rose whispered, coming up behind me and scaring the shit out of me. "I'm sure fucking glad I'm not on the other end of that smile," she said sitting on the floor next to me.
"He sure is a pretty thing for a boy, ain't he?" Rose asked still keeping her voice low, causing me to giggle. She put her finger over my lips and motioned for me to get up and follow her into the kitchen.
"So, what's the plan?" she asked. "Because I want in." She grinned and rubbed her hands together.
"Well," I said thoughtfully. "His face is awfully pretty, and since I've already tattooed my name on his dick, I might as well mark the other head too," I said and chuckled. "But I don't want to use a permanent marker. Do you have one of those washable ones?" I asked, moving over to the table.
"Uh, yeah, I do. Why no permanent?" she asked puzzled.
"Because what I'm going to write on him may keep him from being allowed into the school." I laughed.
"So, what are we writing on Pretty Boy's face this morning?" Emmett asked from the doorway causing both Rose and I to jump.
"Jesus, Emmett, was that really necessary?" Rose asked still holding her hand over her chest. Emmett just shrugged and came over to sit down beside of me.
"Bella's just going to get a little payback on Edward for all the pranks he's played on her," Rose answered. "Emmett, will you run up to my room and look in the second desk drawer and grab one of those washable markers for Bella?" Rose asked, moving to the fridge.
"Sure, I'll be right back," he called over his shoulder, heading for the stairs.
Rose and I were laughing about all of the shit that went down last night when I was suddenly pulled from the chair.
"What's it gonna be? If you're gonna mark him, it's gotta be good," Emmett explained as he rubbed his hands together.
I rolled my eyes at his excitement and thought for a moment. "Well, I could always go with a penis. I mean, that's pretty classic, right?"
"It might do enough damage. Or what about writing 'I suck dick' on his forehead?" Emmett offered while I cringed. "Or 'I have herpes'?"
"You can go with 'I got herpes from sucking dick'?" Rose added seriously.
I laughed but was completely fucking horrified as Jasper walked in the kitchen and said, "Or you can go with 'I got herpes from sucking Emmett's dick'."
"Y'all are assholes!" I screeched and was suddenly wishing I had never decided to fuck with Edward's pretty face in the first place.
"Yes, we are. But Edward was an asshole to you, Stinky! Think of all the times he made you piss your pants," Emmett started his little speech and I flipped him off. "Think of him throwing you in the pond, and that lame ass ghost story that, for some reason, scared the piss outta you. Think of the liver and gizzards. Think of-"
"Okay, I fucking get it," I snapped and grabbed the marker from his hand. "I'll just go with a penis then. Quick and easy. We'll all get a laugh and then it'll be over with. No need to bring fucking STD's into this."
Jasper laughed as Emmett pushed me into the direction of the living room. "You can do it. We'll be waiting in here for moral support. Make us proud."
Rose rolled her eyes and I flipped them off one more time for good measure before quietly making my way into the living room. I stood over Edward's sleeping form on the couch and crouched down to his level.
I went straight for his forehead and decided to write "Property of Bella Swan" nice and neat. He shifted a bit but didn't wake up and for that I was thankful. I held in my laughter as I stared at his perfect lips and thought 'fuck it'. I brought the marker to his upper lip and let my inner artist shine as I drew a handlebar mustache in the shape of a penis. It was fucking hilarious and I knew he'd laugh before washing that shit off.
I skipped back into the kitchen and tossed the marker at Emmett's face. "Done and done."
Emmett peeked into the living room and busted out in laughter which most likely woke Edward's ass up. "Nice. Handlebar penis mustache? Didn't think you had it in you, Stinky."
Alice eventually joined us in the kitchen and the five of us talked about grabbing brunch at the diner when I heard Edward groan. I grabbed a glass of water and made my way into the living room, sitting on the floor next to the couch.
"Drink this," I said and handed him the glass. He accepted it and pulled my arm to lay next to him.
"C'mere." He yawned and I set the glass on the floor before lying next to him on the couch. He leaned down to kiss me and I pulled away. "What the hell, Pockets?"
"Uh," I eyed the penis mustache and tried extremely hard to keep from laughing. I wasn't sure if that shit was completely dry and fuck if I was going to get that shit on my face. "Your breath. It smells like shit," I lied. Or, not completely lied because it's not like his breath smelled good or anything.
Edward laughed and covered his face with his arm. "Fine. I'll be right back. But then you owe me a good morning kiss."
"Afternoon," I pointed out and tried to steal a glance at his arm to see if there were any marker on it. Apparently, it had dried.
And apparently, Edward didn't look in the mirror before taking a piss or washing his mouth out because the bathroom was entirely too quiet. I waited a few minutes before he finally walked out and gave me a mischievous glare.
"What's this?" he asked with a grin as he pointed at his face.
"Payback," I replied and stood from the couch, backing away from him as he made his way over to me.
"Oh, you think this is funny, do you?" He smirked and I tried to make my escape, only to have him block the doorway. "You aren't making it out alive, you know that, right?"
"Look. We're even now! So, move out of the way so we can go to brunch with everyone. I need some fucking carbohydrates."
"Even my ass!" Edward laughed and lunged forward, grabbing me around the waist and pulling me closer to him. "I'm sorry, but this has to happen," he said apologetically as he easily lifted me over his shoulder, patting my ass twice.
I let out a scream and felt him laughing under me as he walked down the hall and into the bathroom. I quieted down before I heard him turn the shower on.
"Oh, fuck no," I squealed.
"Oh, fuck yes." He laughed before leaning over and depositing me under the freezing cold stream.
"Screw you!" I screamed and reached above me to grab the shower head, spraying him directly in the face.
Edward stepped into the tub and closed his eyes, reaching forward to grab it from me. "Don't make this harder on yourself, Bella," he tried saying as he grabbed me, tickling my side until I released my grip on the hose.
"Okay, okay, okay! Just keep your hands to yourself!"
"That's not what you said last night," he said all cheeky and wet and just fucking good.
I pulled back and laughed as he shook his hair out all over me before running a hand through it.
"Did this shit come off yet?" he asked, wiping a hand over his face.
"Uh..." I stared for a second and realized that no. It still hadn't washed off and I just sprayed the fuck out of his face. I brought my hand to his forehead and wiped furiously and yet...nothing. 'Property of Bella Swan' looked as neat as ever on his pretty forehead. The penis handlebar mustache was still in place in all its throbbing glory.
"Emmett!" I yelled as Edward dropped the hose and hopped out of the shower to properly inspect his face in the mirror.
Emmett and Rose bounded the corner as I turned the water off. Rose laughed at my artwork and I glared at Emmett who was suddenly doubled over on the floor.
"Emmett? Why isn't my artwork washing off of Edward's face?" I accused because I had a pretty fucking good idea as to why his face was still marked.
"Because I may or may not have handed you a permanent marker," Emmett said between spurts of laughter. "Okay, fuck it. I totally handed you a permanent marker. Obviously."
It was then that Rose deposited herself onto the bathroom floor from a fit of laughter. I wanted to laugh, but it was kind of fucked up. I didn't want to do damage to his pretty face. Not really, anyway.
"Permanent? I thought we agreed on a washable marker!" I spat and handed Edward a wet rag.
"We agreed on nothing. Rose merely suggested washable but I couldn't pass up the chance! That's what you get for making fun of my ass for pissing my pants last night, Pretty Boy!"
Edward narrowed his eyes at the reflection, casting a glare towards Emmett. "It's funny, but you're a real fucker!"
"Holy shit!" Rose yelled once she was finally able to breathe. "Oh my fucking God, this is priceless! You pretty much just got fucked in the ass. Was it painful?" she asked Edward who shook with laughter.
"Uh. Rose?" I pointed at her crotch, forcing Edward and Emmett to stare as well.
"Welcome to the fucking club," Emmett said seriously as he patted her shoulder. Edward and I choked on our laughs before I practically started crying from the sight of Rose's pee pants.
"You totally fucking pissed your pants!" Edward screamed, throwing the wet rag at Emmett's face. "Here. Clean her up."
"Fuck off! No, I just..." Rose stuttered at the realization. "The floor must be wet, and...I just-"
"Pissed your pants!" Jasper howled as he and Alice walked into the bathroom.
"God dammit!" Rose flipped us all off and stalked out of the bathroom. "This is all your fault, Swan!"
"Hey," I pouted as everyone walked out of the bathroom, leaving me and Edward alone. "I'm getting really tired of people blaming their weak bladders on me!"
"Well. It all started once you moved here. We have no choice but to blame you," Edward explained and went back to scrubbing the shit out of his face.
"Sorry about that, by the way." I apologized while pointing at his face. "Such a pretty face and then I had to go and ruin it."
"Yeah, way to go, Pockets. Now what do I have going for me?" He smirked. "Definitely not my personality."
"Or your skills in bed," I added while nodding.
"Mediocre at best." I shrugged as he grabbed a hold of my waist and pulled me into him.
"It looks like I might have to change your mind." He wiggled his eyebrows and I busted out laughing. "What? Do I have something on my face?" he joked.
"I'm sorry it's just...hard to take you seriously or sexy when you have a fucking handlebar penis mustache on your face."
"Ah." Edward cringed and shook his head. "So, what were you trying to accomplish by using my forehead to claim me as your property?"
I gave him a smile and grabbed the rag from his hand. "I just figured it was the easiest way to make it public knowledge that you're my boyfriend now."
"Wait..." he trailed off, looking confused. "I'm your boyfriend now?"
I eyed him. "Funny, Cullen. Funny."
He gave me a side smile before saying, "I don't know if I like having a girlfriend who draws on my face while I'm passed out."
"No worse than having a boyfriend who makes you pee your pants and stake out graveyards," I pointed out as he nodded along with me.
"Fine, so. Let's make a deal? You keep your penis artwork to yourself and I'll make sure to keep your underwear dry," he finished before cracking a smile. "Or, you know what I mean..."
I smiled this time and felt my cheeks flush. "I know what you mean."
"Will you fucking kiss me now? Cause if the penis on my face is what's stopping you, you're going to have to do without for about a week until this shit comes off."
"Fuck. I kind of hate Emmett right now."
"I mean, yeah. But you also could've looked at the marker before defiling my face," Edward pointed out.
I groaned because he was right. Why the fuck did I trust Emmett to not pull a fast one over on us? "Why don't you just keep all your points to yourself? I'm tired and hungover and need some pancakes and a shitload of caffeine and maybe a 'wake and bake' session."
"Alright, alright. Smoke a bowl then go eat?"
"Sounds perfect." I nodded in agreement and didn't pull away when he leaned down to kiss me.
"Is it weird that this is the closest my penis has been to your mouth?" Edward said, shaking with laughter.
"I'm the one who drew it on your face, therefore it is my penis," I concluded, causing Edward to groan.
"Don't ever say that again, Pockets. That was just fucked up."
Edward and I snuck out to his truck to light up a bowl before the six of us groggily gathered our things to head out to the diner. The waitress didn't even blink an eye as Edward ordered his food, but that didn't stop us from snickering the entire time. Everyone was relatively quiet due to all of the fuckery that had been had over the past twenty-four hours. Emmett was the only one who kept yapping about all the shit we did the night before and ending his speech with how I should've added pubes to the balls on Edward's face. Edward retaliated by pouring Tabasco sauce on Emmett's pancakes, which didn't deter Emmett whatsoever.
After our food settled we all parted ways and headed home. Edward's eyes kept flicking to the rear-view mirror and I knew he was checking out the artwork that was still clear as day.
"It'll fade," I mumbled, trying not to let myself feel too bad.
"I know it will, don't worry about it," he said and smiled at me. "So I'll call you later?" he asked tugging on the end of hair.
"Sure." I smiled and leaned over to kiss him, but stopped short just to fuck with him. He groaned and stuck out his bottom lip in an exaggerated pout.
"Fine," he said petulantly and tried really hard not to smile.
"Oh, come on Edward, don't be such a dickhead," I choked out laughter, causing him to drop the pout and laugh with me.
"You've been waiting for a chance to use that line on me all day haven't you?" he asked, pulling me closer. I smiled and kissed his lips.
"I totally have," I said grinning up at him.
"Well, I'm glad that worked out for you. Now get the hell outta my truck, woman. I gotta get home and see what I can do about this shit on my face," he said and smacked me on the ass. I laughed and grabbed my bag before telling him I'd talk to him later. What a fucking day.
I walked in and plopped down on the sofa in the living room. I planned to just veg out in front of the television for a few hours. The front door slamming shut caused me to jump and roll off the couch. Fuck that hurt. I looked up from the floor to see Jane smiling down at me.
"Sup, chick? You trying to add to those stitches?" she asked, helping me to my feet.
"Hell no. The ones I've got itch enough," I said, scratching my forehead. "What time is it anyway?" I asked, looking around.
"Four o'clock," she said, eying me, "You hungry? I just picked up some food I can make you something if you'd like," she said, holding out a bag of groceries I failed to notice before. And fuck yes. I was down with her making some fucking grub. That spaghetti she made last time was fucking awesome.
"That would be awesome. I'm going upstairs to wash up, I'll be back down in a few," I said and turned to the stairs before I stopped and looked back over my shoulder at her. "Thanks," I added, because she really was fucking awesome.
"No problem B. I'll meet you in the dining room," she said smiling and disappeared through the doorway.
I washed up and did the sniff test to make sure I didn't smell like funk, I really could use a shower if I was being honest. The nickname Stinky was kinda appropriate at the moment. But I was fucking starving so that shit would have to wait.
I made my way down to the dining room where Charlie and Jane were already sitting and slid into my chair at the same time Jane slid a plate of food in front of me. This chick was just all kinds of win today. We ate in silence for a few minutes until Charlie cleared his throat, causing me to glance up at him.
"So, Bella." Charlie began looking nervously over at Jane. "I was wondering, if maybe we could add a few place settings to the dinner table this Thanksgiving?" He asked, looking down at his plate. What the hell was he going on about?
"What Charlie is asking, Bella, is if you would mind if I joined you guys for Thanksgiving this year." Jane cut in and rolled her eyes at Charlie's ineptness, I assumed.
"You cooking?" I asked suspiciously. I mean, if she was going to be the cooking then fuck yeah she could come. But if I had to feed another mouth my lazy ass would have to think about that.
"Sure." She smirked, obviously knowing what I was thinking. Charlie cleared his throat and looked over at Jane who was openly laughing at him now. Did I miss something? These two clearly had issues. I think they smoked more than I did.
"Charlie," Jane said sweetly, batting her eyes at him. Gross. "How exactly did you survive with this one," she hooked her finger towards me, "for the past eighteen years if you can't ask her simple questions?" she asked playfully. Charlie cracked a smile and looked over at me.
"She can be a handful." He laughed like I wasn't sitting right fucking there. I huffed in annoyance. What was this shit, pick on Bella day? Oh right, every fucking day was pick on Bella day. Fuckers.
Jane looked at me and rolled her eyes at me before pointing at herself. "Down ass chick, remember?"
"Yeah, yeah, down ass chick. So, what else do you need to ask me since Charlie has suddenly become mute," I said, rolling my wrist in a circle for them to get on with it already.
"Charlie would like for you to invite your boyfriend also," Jane said. Okay, I could do that, no problem, I just-
"And his parents." She finished, looking like the damn Cheshire cat. I'm sorry, come again?
"What?" I asked my voice strangely high pitched. I mean, fuck that. No fucking way. Ms. Esme and Dr. C with Jane and Charlie. Add Edward and all his mischief in the deal? I think I just saw my life flash before my eyes.
"Um, Bella...are you okay there? You look a little pale," Charlie pointed out nervously. Okay, I was about to have to tiny panic attack here. I mean, Edward and I just declared ourselves, weren't family dinners reserved for later in a relationship? You know, like waiting three days to call after the first date and waiting until the third date to have sex. So family holiday dinners should also be a three, I think three years after declaring your relationship status would be more appropriate than three weeks. At least after three years everyone will be desensitized enough to the crazy not to go running for the hills.
"Bella!" Jane choked out. I turned towards her to see her cradling her face in her hands and tears in the corner of her eyes. Shit is she okay, did she get hurt? What the fuck did I just miss? I jumped up from my seat to, I don't know, perform the Heimlich maneuver or something cause she looked like she might be dying. And that shit would suck cause I really liked Jane and she made Charlie happy. Plus she kept him occupied so I didn't have to be subjected to his shitty sentence structures, where he references the town of Intercourse inappropriately. And if she really is choking to death she'd be dead by now because I'm just standing here lost in my own fucking head thinking about all of the reasons I don't want Jane to die. Well, at least if she goes I'll know that I really did like that hippie bitch. A loud snort jarred me from my musings and I looked over at Jane who was, in fact, dying. Laughing. At me. Of fucking course.
"You have to be one of the strangest people I have ever met," Jane said, still trying to catch her breath. "And Bella, you do realize that I work with crazy people right? People who have a check mark in the crazy box on their profile," she said shaking her head. And maybe I didn't like Jane so much after all. But fuck, she was probably right.
"Well I'll be sure to never have you analyze me then," I sassed. Cause I'm a teenager and that shit is just status quo.
"Not even off the record?" She smirked. "Could be fun, just me and you, chilling, we can even sit in a circle..." She trailed off with a wink. And oh shit, did Jane just invite me to her smoking circle. The grin that overtook my face was massive. She saw it and knew I got it. This has potential to be fucking awesome and awkward all rolled into one. Hope she isn't a sharer, there are some things I will never need to know about Charlie.
"But how can two people sit in a circle?" Charlie asked, confused. Shit. I forgot he was there. Jane laughed, loudly, I just shook my head and decided to let her deal with that shit. I turned and made my way out of the room when Jane stopped me. Damn it.
"So, Thanksgiving with the Cullens, you'll ask?" she asked in a way that made me think if I didn't ask, she would.
"Fine. I'll ask, but I swear if you guys do anything to scar me anymore than I already am, I'm going to need that check mark in the crazy box too." And with that I hauled ass to my room. I needed a break from the crazy for a bit.
I pulled out my camera and checked my lenses. In the bottom of the drawer was my application to New York Institute of Photography. I pulled it out and looked over all of the information I needed to submit along with it. My portfolio was almost finished, but I wanted to change a few things now. I got some really cool pictures at the bonfire, and of the landscapes, too. I scrolled through my camera and stopped when I came to the picture I snapped of Edward at the bonfire. He was so fucking hot. He also lived here, in Alabama. And he would probably go to school somewhere here too. And I would be in New York. Which is not here, in Alabama, with Edward.
My stomach felt funny all the sudden, like butterflies and knots and twisty. I didn't like it, and I knew it had to do with my epiphany. Fuck, I had a plan. I knew he was going to fuck with my shit. But I had time, lots of fucking time, I wasn't going to worry about this shit right now.
I spent the rest of the day moping around my room like the little emo bitch I was. Edward called later that night to see if I wanted to watch a movie, but I lied and said I was tired and not in the mood to stare at his dick face all night. He laughed, but I think he knew something was up. But like always he was cool as a fucking cucumber and let that shit go. He also let me know that his parents got a real kick out of my artwork. I didn't even fucking think about Ms. Esme and Dr. C seeing that shit. Fuck. I hoped she would still make me cupcakes. He had promised his mom he would help her with some shit around the house tomorrow so he wouldn't see me until he came to pick me up for school on Monday. And wouldn't you fucking know that I got emo all over again about not seeing him until Monday. Fuck, how was I ever going to get this shit figured out?
Monday morning came and somehow I had managed to push everything swirling around in my head to the side for the time being. I hopped in Edward's truck and jumped him, kissing him hard and palming his junk because I missed his sexy fucking ass. He laughed at my attack then groaned when I started feeling him up.
"Bella, you're gonna make us late for school if you don't stop that shit right now," he said, pulling back to look at me. As soon as he did the moment was gone because I busted the fuck up laughing immediately.
"Edward, what the fuck have you done to your face?" I choked out.
"What, this?" He asked smiling and pointed at his face. This crazy mother fucker has gone and filled in the penis handlebar moustache and made it solid to hide the fact that it was, you know, a penis. But he had to get rid of the outline so now the thing was fucking huge. Like Yosemite Sam fucking huge.
"Yes that, you big dork. Why the fuck did you do that?" I asked, laughing. He gave me a blank stare.
"Do you really have to ask?" he deadpanned. And yeah, I guess it would be better than walking around with a dick on your face.
"Emmett's gonna be pissed," I said chuckling.
"Exactly. At least I can get some satisfaction out of this shit."
We got to school and things went much like we expected. People snickered at the 'Property of Bella Swan' across his forehead, and stared at the moustache a little confused. He just smirked and smiled and looked fucking hot in spite of his facial art. One thing that I did not anticipate however, was Maggie. I mean, I didn't realize that bitch was still alive at this point. But she was. And apparently felt the need to make her feelings about Edward's face art public fucking knowledge.
"Hey, Bella," Fire Girl, aka Jessica Stanley, said.
"Sup," I replied, eyeing her warily. I knew her type, she could get bent for all I cared. I was not here to feed her gossip fire. Maybe I should tell her and her extensions that. It might send her packing.
"So, I saw Edward this morning." she said trying to appear casual. News fucking flash, you fucking failed. Epically.
"Yup," I replied cause I was rocking the three letter words. I wondered how many I could get away with before she finally dropped the bullshit. Apparently it was only two because as soon as I answered she huffed.
"So, what was that about anyway? I mean, Maggie thinks that you're just insecure and are trying to stake a claim on him even though he doesn't want you to," she said, leaning in closer to me. And you have got to be fucking kidding me right now. That bitch must have a fucking death wish.
I laughed humorlessly. "Did she send you over here?" I asked. "Because if she did then you can leave here and not worry about the repercussions. But if you came over here with that shit all on your own then I will have no mercy on the embarrassment that I will inflict upon you," I said seriously.
"She sent me, I swear," she cried. "Please don't pussy punch me," she added, causing me to laugh.
"Get the fuck out of here before I change my mind," I said, flinching at her. I mean, fuck it, it wasn't like there was a fucking hill I could fall down this time.
I told Edward about my little skank encounter, but he just laughed at me. I guess I could understand, I mean he was the one with shit all over his face.
"I'm going to take you somewhere," he said out of the fucking blue while we were walking to his truck after school.
"Yeah, where?" I asked linking my fingers with his.
"It's a surprise," he said, smiling at me.
"Well fuck, I love a good surprise, but I'm also an impatient little bitch. So don't be surprised if I bug the shit out of you about it either," I said, laughing. "When are we going?" I asked, already starting my interrogation.
"This Saturday if that's okay with you," he said, bumping my shoulder. And fuck every moment with him was fucking okay with me.
"Sounds good," I said instead so I didn't sound like a punk ass bitch.
The rest of the week was pretty much the same. Edward's face art faded a little more each day, I bugged the shit out of him about where we were going the coming weekend and I gave Maggie and Jessica the stink eye whenever they dared to come across me.
The weekend came and I couldn't have been happier that Edward would be by to pick me up any minute. Of course, that could have something to do with Jane having another sleepover with Charlie. As happy as I was for him, the idea of Charlie getting laid was going to take some getting used to. But at least I liked Jane, crazy fucking hippie that she was, so that made it a bit easier.
I pulled on a navy jacket and a lightweight scarf before pulling my hair up in a ponytail. I slipped on a pair of sneakers since Edward said to dress comfortably and headed down the stairs. He'd be here any minute and the quicker I could duck out of here the better my chances were of avoiding Charlie. Not that I didn't just love some father/daughter bonding, but I preferred at least one of us to be high, it was less painful that way.
A horn honked out front just as I cleared the last step and I darted to the front door not bothering to cast a glance towards the living room. If I don't make eye contact then I didn't really see them right?
I jogged up to Edward's truck as he leaned over the seat and popped the door open for me with a huge smile on his face. Was he high? He better not have smoked without me...
"Hey Bella." He smiled. "You look really pretty today."
"Uh...thanks," I replied dumbly, because really what else do you say to that.
"So, where exactly are we going?" I asked because he had still yet to tell me.
"It's a surprise," he said. Just like every other time I'd asked. I huffed feigning frustration that he wouldn't tell me, but really I could care less where he was taking me as long as I got to look at him, and maybe smoke some more killer bud. Okay, definitely smoke more killer bud.
"Have you ever ridden a four-wheeler?" he asked, causing me to stare at him like he's an idiot. Because really, do I look like I've ridden a four-wheeler? Does he not know me at all?
Edward regarded the look on my face as confirmation that no, I have not.
"Well, we're about to change that. The place we're going is pretty deep in the woods. You can't get there in a vehicle and walking is out of the question; it's too far."
"Where the hell are you taking me?" I asked a little nervous all of the sudden. Why would he want to take me back in the woods where no one can come get us? Is this how they do it down here, draw you in being all friendly, get you high to bring down your defenses making you feel comfortable, then BAM your face is on the side of a milk carton and your body is fertilizing the ground.
Edward looked over at me and busted out laughing, "Bella, you really need to get over this fear that every person in the country is a serial killer. That's only in West Virginia," he finished, still laughing at me. Well, damn it I can't help it, all the silence and freaking trees wigged me out.
"Whatever," I pouted waving him off because I know I'm being ridiculous. We pulled up to the side of an old barn and Edward got out of the truck and motioned for me to follow. I climbed out of the truck and walked over to him as he opened the door to the barn.
"Where are we?" I asked.
"This is my grandparents place. They don't really use the barn for anything other than storage. It's where I keep my wheels." He grunted, giving the heavy door a good yank. I knew that grunt, that grunt made me think very dirty thoughts. And just like that, alone in the woods didn't seem so bad anymore.
As he pulled the door open, I peeked inside and saw, well, a bunch of junk. Oh, and the death trap we were apparently going cruising on.
"Here," he said flinging a pair of...pants at me? What the hell?
"Okay, first, what the hell are these and second, why the hell do I need them?" I questioned because good lord these things are huge. They were camouflage, the legs were really thick with lining and they had...suspenders? I didn't know he was into role play, but I can think of much better options than a onesie.
"They're coveralls. You'll want that to cover your legs so you don't get scratched up from any stray limbs or bushes," he said while slipping into his own pair.
Well damn, even Edward in coveralls and a trucker hat turns me on. Who knew? Maybe I have a fetish of my own. I pulled the big ass pants on and followed him over to the four-wheeler, climbing on behind him. Well, this may not be so bad after all. Winding my arms around him I linked my fingers together and let them slide a little lower. You know, to get comfortable and all that. Edward laughed and placed one of his hands on mine halting my movement.
"Bella, I don't think I have to tell you you're going to get yourself in a world of trouble if you don't stop right there," he said turning and smirking at me. Promises, promises.
"Maybe I want a world of trouble Edward, ever think about that?" I sassed. He shook his head and muttered something about death, but I couldn't take the time to worry about it because we were suddenly moving.
We rode in relative silence, navigating through trees and around stumps. After about fifteen minutes I realized that we really were way back in the fucking woods and I started to wonder if I really am crazy, because no one would here me scream out here. God, please don't let me die. Amen.
Before I had a chance to think about it anymore we came to a stop. Edward hopped off and grabbed my hand, helping me climb down. We stood in a thicket of trees and branches and brier bushes and I couldn't distinguish this place from anywhere else we'd been except it was even more condensed.
"Wow. Edward, this is...something else," I said sarcastically, because what the fuck was so special about this?
He sighed and pulled me towards him. "Not this silly. It's over through those trees right there, this is just as far as we can go on the four wheeler," he said rolling his eyes at me.
Well, how the fuck was I supposed to know that?
"This is a very special place to me. I've never brought anyone here before," he said, sounding nervous. "You can't tell anyone about this place okay? Not even the guys." He finished, looking a little more stern. What the hell?
"Then why on earth did you bring me?" I asked. Because if his friends who have been in his life forever didn't know about this place, then why would he trust me with this knowledge?
"Because I want to share this with you," he said quietly and used his arm to push the branches in front of us to the side.
I gasped, my limbs frozen as I stared in awe at the beauty in front of me. The sun was shining brightly onto the area and the colors reflecting from the field ranged from bright red to a dark violet color. And the smell - my God - I must've been in heaven.
Edward stood beside me shifting nervously from side to side. "Well? What do you think?" he asked, laughing at me. I know my face must have looked like a fucking kid on Christmas morning.
"Edward," I breathed in complete fucking awe. "This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Is all of this yours?" I asked because oh my fucking Jesus; if there was a heaven, surely this was a preview.
"Yeah," he said, smiling.
I stepped away from him and further into the sunlight, transfixed with the beauty surrounding me. As far as I could see, beautiful marijuana plants stood tall and proud. The scent wafting from them was enough to give me a full blown contact high. I noticed there were stakes that seemed to be sectioning off different areas. I also noticed that each section had buds that varied in color and size. Fucking hell, there was a shit ton of weed here in every strain you could imagine, and here I stood in the middle of 20 to life and all I could think about was the fact that Edward had brought me here when he had never told a soul about it's location.
I turned to him with tears in my eyes. "Edward. Not that I'm not fucking stoked you brought me here, because I am and in a few minutes I expect you to let me pick out some buds like I'm picking out a fucking Christmas tree and lighting that shit up, but I have to ask you again- why? Why me?" I realized that as much as I wanted to know the answer to that question I was also terrified of it. I had a feeling whatever answer he gave me was going to change things for me and damn it I was already fucking struggling with shit as it was.
He walked over to me and grabbed my hand, lacing our fingers. He stared at our joined hands before looking at me. "You know why Bella, I mean you're cool as fuck, you put up with my pranks without bitching too much, you're hot, and you have good taste in weed." He paused. "Oh, and I'm pretty fucking sure I like you more than all of the other fuckers we hang out with."
I stood there staring at him for a minute. What do you say to that shit? I don't have all my shit figured out yet? I really want to have sex with you right now? I really fucking like you too?
Damn it, this was not part of the plan. I wasn't supposed to find cool ass people that I actually enjoyed hanging out with. And I sure as fuck never expected to meet someone like Edward in this shitty fucking town. A stupid boy who wears stupid trucker hats and smokes stupid awesome weed. I wasn't supposed to care about his friends or what happened to them after we graduated or...anything. I wasn't supposed to care about anything.
But I did. And shit, I needed to fucking smoke before I lost my mind.
Could I deny that I didn't feel the same way? Could I be that much of a bitch? Fuck no. Besides, I'd just be lying to myself anyway, and hadn't I already done enough of that?
"Well, Edward. You're right." He stared at me blankly as I said, "I am hot and awesome and have good taste in weed. And...I can't be certain, but I'm pretty sure that I like you more than all of the other fuckers we hang out with too," I said and smiled, cause that was kind of sweet, right? Right.
And apparently my answer was okay with him too because he pulled me to him and kissed me. It was warm and wet and soft and we were so going to have sex in the middle of this fucking field.
Right after I picked a bud off each kind of plant out here and we smoked until we forgot our own names.
Half an hour later we're laying on our backs trying to determine if the cloud above us looked more like a horse head or Julia Roberts, I mean really, it could go either way.
"So, I have a question for you," I said, rolling over to my side and propping my head up on my arm.
"I'm all ears." He smiled and mimicked my position.
"Charlie wants me to invite you and your parents to our house for Thanksgiving," I said quickly, well as quickly as someone can with cotton mouth so bad they can barley move their mouth.
"Shit, for real?" Edward laughed rolling back onto his back. "You sure that's a good idea Pockets?" he asked, cutting his eyes over to me.
"Fuck no, it's a horrible idea and the entire fucking day is going to be a disaster, but if I didn't ask you I was scared Jane would corner your dad," I said, still freaking out at the fucking thought. He laughed at me then pulled my arm till I was settled against his side.
"Oh, it'll be a fucking disaster all right. You probably don't know this, but someone from the gang always ends up having dinner with us for some reason or another so it won't be just us, we could end up with Emmett at the table as well." He grimaced rubbing his forehead that was finally marker free.
And Jesus fucking Christ, all I could see was Emmett acting like Robin Williams with the lost boys flinging food all around the damn table like a fucking savage. This was finally going to be what did me in; I was going to be fucking traumatized for life. I'm ready for my check mark, Jane.
"We can't tell them," I said seriously. "If they don't know about it then they can't come." I rambled, thinking of all the ways to make this shit just go away. Edward sighed next to my and shook his head.
"Emmett works with my dad. There is no way in hell he won't find out. Face it, we're going to have front row seats to the most inappropriate, bizarre, fucked up Thanksgiving in the history of Intercourse." He sighed, resigned.
"We're going to need a bigger bong," I said seriously.
"Yes, yes we are," he replied just as seriously.
I'm never going to be able to afford all of my therapy bills.
Liv- So snot face, you breathing any better?
Meg- Screw off. This blows. Or...doesn't blow. Allergies suck :'(
Liv- Testy, testy.. So this chapter..any comments?
Meg- Yes. I want a weed meadow for Christmas. Make it happen, please.
Liv- Dude, it will be my life's mission. I promise.
Meg- Are you excited for the fuckery that will go down when I spend Thanksgiving with you?
Liv- Fuck yes! I wish we could prolong the dinner in this fic for after we get together. Cause you know we'll have some material then.
Meg- One word- outtake.
Liv- And back road QB, cause you're doing that shit.
Meg- I'm nervous but I know with the help of your liquor closet (yes, CLOSET, not cabinet) I can achieve anything.
Liv- Yes, drunken debauchery in abundance.
Meg- Isn't that the theme of this story? Enjoy!
Thanks to left1215 for pre-reading this bad boy and catching all our mistakes. And thanks to Twilly for her super awesome review on IndieFicPimp! We offered her an outtake and she requested Esme's discovery of Edward's post coital glow. Outtake will be sent out with review replies, so hit us up suckas! See you next Tuesday!