I love Mark and Lexie soooo much, and I'm sorry if they're a little OOC.
This just came to me, so I had to write the drabble.
Shondra owns her characters, I don't.
Those were just some of the feelings that Lexie had been feeling when Mark had broken her heart the first time. Perhaps she needed to grow up and get over it, but deep down those feelings had stayed and after everything that they had been through after this second time around, there was no reason for her to believe that they could fix anything. They'd been through too much, right?
Lexie shook the thoughts away and looked up at the ceiling as she lay there, glad in her heart that Jackson wasn't there that morning. She had needed the night to herself after her long day at Seattle Grace, and she was looking forward to spending her rare day off on her own. What she needed was to find a balance again. She needed to tell herself that she could unlove Mark Sloan.
"I love you, and I'm always going to love you, but I don't want to love you. I want to be happy."
Tears Lexie didn't know she had were forming in her eyes and so she closed them, taking in deep, ragged breaths to try and let it go. Truer words had never come out of her mouth and yet remembering them made her feel like she had stabbed herself in the heart and twisted the knife around. Her stomach felt queasy and she wondered if she should have admitted all of that to Mark.
"If you keep pulling at me…I'll come back to you!"
Maybe that was what she wanted. Deep down maybe those words had spilled out in her rant at him because as infuriating as he was, she wanted him to fight for her. She had thought that everyone was fine until Jackson had told her that Mark had given them his blessing and then she had just felt brushed aside again. Traded off. After all this time, and Mark being there, it was like suddenly it was really over and maybe that's not what she wanted.
Maybe she didn't want to bury these feelings for him.
Maybe she simply wanted some kind of assurance and grand gesture.
"I'm letting you go, Lexie. That means you have to walk away…"
A tear or two leaked out of her closed eyelids, sliding down her cheeks and hitting her pillow, making no sound at all. When she inhaled, she could hear the sniffling began and she realized that her heart was broken into a million different little pieces. It wasn't that Jackson didn't make her happy…it was just that Jackson wasn't Mark. He didn't challenge her like Mark had.
Mark had a habit of always making Lexie work harder. He made her feel like anything was possible and he helped her to be a better surgeon. Lexie missed the bickering, and the sweet moments just kissing and stroking between the sheets. She missed how Mark's smile made her stomach erupt into butterflies, and the way just being near him made her happier than ever.
So why did it all have to fall apart?
Why was she so afraid of this kind of commitment?
That was it. When things got too deep, Lexie took off running. It didn't matter that her heart was in her vagina…she was afraid of being a mother and having children. How could she not have noticed that before? She was so eager to have someone, but the moment it came down to marriage and starting a family she ran the other direction.
Why was that?
Deciding that she no longer wanted to lay in her bed and cry, Lexie reached up and wiped the fallen tears off of her face, heading directly into the bathroom. Everyone else was at work and she wanted to shower and wash her face and get dressed and greet the day. She wanted to know exactly what she was going to do with her life and this seemed the best way to do such a thing. Go out, be happy, put her life back together…move forward.
She missed him though.
She missed him so much that she couldn't stop thinking about him as the hot water gently scalded her skin in the shower. All she could do suddenly was cry a little bit and she hated that—but being frustrated about it just made her cry some more. Would this feeling never go away? Was she always really going to love Mark Sloan? How was that even fair to Jackson?
"You think you broke me, Little Grey? You're the one that put me back together."
Lexie stood there, frozen in the shower as the memory hit her, and suddenly all bets were off and she was incredibly upset. How dare Mark do this to her? Get inside of her heart just to hurt her, and then not leave her thoughts alone. How in the world was she going to cope with all of this when she still had to see him every day? It was almost like he had planned the whole thing. Maybe he was doing all of this on purpose somehow.
She was certain of that and she didn't know why because that notion seemed ridiculous. At the same time, once Lexie grabbed onto something she didn't let go, so she finished her shower and got dressed, heading for the hospital. It was supposed to be her day off to figure out her life and yet she was going to the one place where it had all somewhat began—the place where the hurt settled in and festered.
Lexie wasn't the only one who was hurting though. Mark was hurting just as bad even though he did have practically everything that he wanted. He had a family, and a beautiful little girl and a place to belong. People to come home to that would always love and respect him…he just didn't have Lexie. Lexie was the one that made everything better—made his life feel like it had some sort of meaning, and he'd never had that before.
Not like this.
Not this way.
"She makes me happier than…anything I've ever known, and if I can have a part in making her happy again, that's all I want to do. That's all I want to do for the rest of my life."
Lexie was the one that had made him feel alive—made him feel like a better person. She made him reach for the sky and she made him feel honest to God happy. Lexie had been the one to put him back together, and she was the one that he wanted to have by his side even though he was convinced that Jackson was better for her. That's why he had let her go…even when it had broken his heart.
"Since you, I know for the first time in my life what the right thing is."
It was right for him to let Lexie go…wasn't it? It was right for him to let her be happy even when he wanted to be the one to make her happy…right? They loved each other, so wasn't that enough? Couldn't she put her fears aside and just be with him? No. No, that wasn't fair and he knew that. He had let her go because it was the right thing to do and he wanted nothing more than to see a smile on her face. If she smiled all the time because of Jackson, then so be it.
It was worth it to him to see the smile on her face.
Still, he missed her, and he had to clear his mind of her before he started working. So he pulled his surgical blue scrubs on and put the white coat on, caught by surprise when he felt someone's hand on his arm. He glanced down to see that it was Lexie, and he was even more confused—but highly amused—when she started to drag him towards an 'On-Call Room'.
Lexie had told herself that she could do this on her way to the hospital, and she started to feel like her stomach was done for. It was nervous and she felt sick, but she had to get this off of her chest because it had been too long. She'd been keeping all of this in and she was fairly certain that she knew who she was and she knew what she wanted and she had to let Mark know.
"If you were looking for a booty call—"
"—Mark, for once, just shut-up."
Mark raised his eyebrows as the words came out of Lexie's mouth, but he closed his mouth as she dragged him into the room and shut the door. He looked over her jeans and tank top, taking in her curves and smirking a little bit at the sweater jacket that hung over her shoulders. She knew that look and immediately started shaking her head, not having any of it.
"No…no, Mark." Lexie said shaking her head. "No, I came here because I have something to say and nothing you say or do is going to stop me, got it?"
He wanted to say something too, but he nodded, letting Lexie have her say.
"I was scared, all right?" Lexie began, shaking her head. "I don't have a good family life, Mark. I'm not stable—I'm not ready to be a mother. Maybe none of us are, but you have a family and you can't be with someone who isn't stable. Someone who has this many issues to figure out. I meant what I said. I meant all of it. I just…what is this? What are we?"
Mark took a deep breath. "Lexie…I let you walk away because that was what you wanted."
"Was that really what I wanted?" Lexie countered him. "I don't know what I want half the time, I just know that not being with you makes me crazy! Yes, I can move on, but do I want to? Do I want to lose us? Mark, I miss you. I miss you constantly."
"You love Jackson." Mark tried, wanting to know exactly what was going on there.
It was taking all of his willpower not to just kiss her as he had done at Joe's and take her right then and there, but she had come to talk. She was in love with him, and she missed him, but could he do this to her? He wasn't the one to make her happy and he knew that—they had too many issues to sort out. At the same time wasn't it worth it to try? Wasn't it?
"I love you both!" Lexie said, rather disgusted with herself, tears coming to her eyes for the third time that morning already. "I am a terrible person…"
She slumped down and sat on the edge of the bed, Mark shaking his head and sitting down next to her. He reached out and rested his hand on her back, pulling back when she flinched a little bit, then resting his hand back on her again. She wanted his touch, but at the same time she didn't want to give in. Mark? Mark just wanted to feel her touch again.
"You're just human, Lexie." Mark told her, his fingers stroking her through her layers. "Just tell me what you want."
"No, no—I am not that girl." Lexie said quickly, standing up. "I am not going to tell you what I want you to do and then expect you to just do it! You are your own person! You make that abundantly clear. Are you…are you laughing Mark? This isn't funny! I came here to bare my soul to you and you are not allowed to laugh!"
Mark nodded and tried to stop laughing. "I just…you're so beautiful when you're mad and I get it, Lex, I do—you're scared and I'm not helping. You have to decide if you want this or not. You have to decide if you want to be part of my life. I'm either a part that gets to stay, or I'm a part that gets to go."
Lexie nodded slowly, letting the words sink in, Mark nodding as well, she had come to say something to him, and he had let her. He got it, and it was more than she had been expecting. All she really wanted from this was for him to know that she still cared. She just didn't know if Jackson was actually what she really wanted in her life. It was hard having feelings for two people at once…but she knew which feelings were stronger.
She would have to accept the consequences of her actions.
"Yeah…I'm going to go, Lex," Mark told her slowly, turning to leave and opening up the 'On-Call Room' door.
"Wait!" Lexie said quickly, chewing on her bottom lip and then giving in. "Please…stay."
Mark smiled a little as he nodded, shutting the door and turning to face her.
Her words meant so much more than just wanting him to stay in the room—they were both aware of that.
Note: Just a drabble…I apologize that it sucks. Feedback is always appreciated!