A Christmas Accident

Finland accidently puts a homemade video in Germany's Christmas present. Prussia finds it and decides to share with his friends.

I don't own Hetalia.

Finland hadn't really been um, "in the mood", per se, but he was rifling through his and Sve's "special collection" because it was January and cold and maybe a little bit of homemade porn was exactly what they needed, okay?

Don't judge him! He's blushing bad enough without your giggling! Just let him root through his porn in peace, geez Louise.

Anyway, Finland and Sweden kept all their inappropriate DVDs in their closet on the highest shelf in a cardboard box labeled "taxes" where Sealand had no chance of ever stumbling upon them. (The VHS tapes had been converted to DVDs; that had been a fun chat with Estonia. "Hey, buddy, how do I transfer VHS content to DVD? Why? Well, I wanna save all my porn, you see…")

Anyway, Finland had one specific DVD in mind. There was this one, um, it had been filmed maybe five years ago on Sve's birthday and Finland had bought him a new Volvo and, well, you can't just not have sex in a new car, you know? But Finland had secretly stashed camcorders throughout it and then edited the video (he had asked Estonia for tech help, but hadn't let Estonia actually work on it for reasons he hoped were obvious!)

It was hot. Really hot. One of Sve's favorites.

Finland dug through the box, focusing on the unofficial DVD containers. He couldn't find it. Where the hell was it? Oh god, what if the last time Sve dug it out it had accidently gotten mixed in with family stuff? What if it was in Sealand's room, oh god.

Finland left the box sitting on the floor of the closet and hustled to Sealand's room. Fortunately, Sealand was visiting England at the moment and Finland could dig fervently through his video collection.

Finland opened every case just to make sure, but he didn't find it. He was a bit relieved that at least Sealand hadn't found it, but was also a bit worried because where else could it be?

He had wanted to surprise his man, but decided to ruin it and ask Sweden because it was just bugging him.

"Sve." Finland poked his head into the kitchen where Sweden was washing dishes.


"Um, I can't find something." Finland blushed.

"What are you looking for?" Sweden glanced over his shoulder and noted his wife's blush. "Porn's on the shel—"

"I know!" Finland interrupted, embarrassed. "I know where the porn is!"

Sweden turned around and leaned against the sink, arms crossed and very amused.

"The one with the Volvo." Finland mumbled, staring at the floor to avoid his love's gaze.

Sweden frowned in concern. "S'not in Peter's room, is it?"

"No, no. I checked."


"I know."

Sweden chuckled. "In the living room with movies?"

Finland perked up. "I didn't check there. Thanks, Sve."

"Should I make popcorn?" Sweden asked mischievously.

Finland winked back at him. "We'll have other uses for our mouths."

Finland dug through the movies with gusto, but even after checking every case he did not find the DVD in question. He sighed.

"Any luck?" Sweden asked from behind him.

"No." Finland said. "Okay. When's the last time we watched it?"

"December." Sweden said. "Before Christmas."

"Oh. Oh, fuck." Finland cussed. "What if I put it in Germany's present by mistake?"

Sweden frowned. "I'll email him. I'd like a copy."

"That's not the point, Sve!"

Prussia was digging around in his brother's room.

Why, author. That seems awfully convenient…

Shut up! You don't even know what Prussia is looking for. Maybe Germany stole something precious. Maybe Germany is hiding something from Prussia. Maybe Germany lost something and has asked his beloved brother to aide in his search.

No, you're right. Those reasons are bullshit.

Prussia was searching for porn. He knew West had the biggest collection, because West was just kinky like that. Prussia had found his brother's stash before and it had kept him and his friends entertained for quite some time. At least until West moved it. And it was January, which meant that West had probably gotten new stuff for Christmas.

What did Prussia get for Christmas?

Fuck, not fucking awesome porn. Santa had brought him a fucking birdcage and birdseed. Okay, Gilbird loved the shit, but that wasn't really a gift for Prussia, you know? That was a gift for Gilbird. So Prussia had taken it upon himself to regift Santa's presents, meaning he was going to take some of West's porn. Just fucking seize that shit, Prussia. Get it, motherfucker.

He eventually found it, of course, because Prussia is awesome like that. It helped that the newest editions to West's collection were still in a box wrapped in brightly colored Moomin paper.

Prussia decided to take the entire box. West would demand it back eventually, and Prussia figured that if he just watched porn for the next day or two he'd see it all. And then he could give the shitty ones back.

"Guys, guess what?" Prussia cackled into his phone.

"What?" Spain's cheery voice asked.

"Oui, you sound… excited." France said.

"I found porn!"

"Um, okay? I have some porn if you needed it that badly." Spain replied.

"This is something special you found?" France questioned.

"You won't believe it. Come over. Now."

"On my way~!" France hung up.

"I'll come too! Something new?"

"Trust me."

"So what is so magnifique about this video?" France asked as he poured himself another glass of champagne. The three friends sat around Prussia's TV, Spain sprawled out on the floor and France sipping on the couch while Prussia played with the DVD controls.

"It's homemade." Prussia cackled.

France stood a little straighter. "You and your frère?"



"You'll never guess."

Prussia flicked off the lights and cackled. Then he pressed play.

"Is that Finland?" Spain croaked.

Prussia just laughed.

"Sweden and Finland." France breathed. "Mon dieu! I never thought I'd ever get a chance to see…!"

"I know, right? How fucking awesome am I? So fucking awesome!"

"Mmph." France replied, transfixed. "Be quiet. Where are they?"

"A car. Apparently Finland gave him one for his birthday and they're fucking in the backseat."

"What are they doing?"

"Making out."

"I know that! What's Sweden's hand doing?"

"Massaging Finland's ass?"

"What a fine ass."


"Take it off! Baby, baby!"

"His ass is better naked."

"Fuck yes it is."

"Fuck, is that a butt plug?"

"What—in Finland's ass?"

"Pause it! Pause it!"

"Can you zoom in?"

"Yeah, hang on."

"…Looks like it."

"It's blue and white!"

"Do you think it's glass or rubber?"


"Yeah, you don't see swirls like that in plastic plugs."

"Press play again!"

"They use a lot of tongue."

"Sweden has big hands."

"Finland is just small."

"Now Sweden's fucking him with the plug!"

"Get it, Suède!"

"Finland's moaning is kind of hot."

"'Kind of'?"

"Romano is sexier."

"Romano is louder, that's for sure."

"Nothing wrong about loud sex!"

"Whoa, that was a moan."

"Sweden better fuck him soon, he looks pretty ready."

"Annnd the plug it out!"

"Cock? COCK?"

"Just fingers."


"I know."


"Still no cock."

"Fucking hell. He fucked him with the plug."

"That ass is ready for cock!"

"I know! Look at it!"

"Just fucking fuck him already."


"About damn time."


"Shut the fuck up!"

"Both of you shut the fuck up! Sweden's dick is out."











"Why can't Romano ride me that eagerly?"

"I've never seen anyone that eager."

"I wonder if they switch positions?"

"Finland's a total bottom."

"No, I know. I meant like—"





"You are awesome."

"I know. I'm so motherfucking awesome."

"I like the noise Finland's ass makes when it slaps Sweden's thighs."

"Don't we all."

"His little exertion noises are cute."

"Really, France?"

"Sex can be cute!"

"I like when Romano wears cute things."

"You two are nut jobs."

"They're rocking the car!"

"I hope Finland got insurance."

"And they'd better watch the upholstery!"

"What the fuc—why do people always announce when they're cumming?"

"They just do."

"It's not like you really think about it—you just start saying shit."

"And you can't stop. It's fucking word vomit."

"Maybe for you uncouth barbarians."

"Fuck off."

"SHIT—rewind. Let's watch that again."

"Turn the volume up!"

"What, are we being quiet while Finland cums?"


"What about Sweden?"

"He hasn't yet."

"No, I meant the 'quiet' thing—"






" … Okay, he's done."

"And will Sweden follow?"



"Mon dieu."

"Is that his cum face? That's priceless."

"And fucking hilarious!"

The movie came to an end. The three friends looked at each other and burst into laughter.

"Again!" Spain demanded.

"On it!" Prussia snickered, grabbing the remote and jabbing buttons furiously.

France busied himself with more champagne.

From: Konungariket Sverige

To: Bundesrepublik Deutschland

Subject: Have you got my porn

I want the Volvo one back.

From: Bundesrepublik Deutschland

To: Preußen

CC: Konungariket Sverige

Subject: RE: Have you got my porn


From: Preußen

To: Bundesrepublik Deutschland

CC: Konungariket Sverige

Subject: RE: Have you got my porn

I have no idea what you're talking about, you fucking pervs.

From: Konungariket Sverige

To: Preußen

CC: Bundesrepublik Deutschland

Subject: RE: Have you got my porn

At least make me a copy.

From: Preußen

To: Konungariket Sverige

CC: Bundesrepublik Deutschland

Subject: RE: Have you got my porn


A/N: Just me. Being a pervert. You know. ;D